My heart in flames

Chapter 7

This was the most devastating moment in my life. I was very confused with the whole episode. I found my head spinning round and round. My vision was at its lowest. It was like I was watching a terrible love movie on the TV screen. I cried and it was like rain water pouring down my cheek, down to the ground.  

As I moved out of the hotel, I tried to suppress my tears from leaking out while my mind seemed be out of my body. I could see that a few hotel staff including the waiter that had served us food were peering at me. They fixed their faces on me and I found their glare so tormenting. It was obvious that they knew what I was going through and it was not possible to know whether they sympathized with me or they were just thrilled by the event. 

The question that kept tearing my head into pieces was why would Sammy play this dirty trick on me? “Who is this man Sammy after all? What was his mission?” It was sad moment for me to feel betrayed by a man in front of me. And who was this man? These questions packed my mind at every second throughout my journey home.

I arrived home just before 5 pm while weak and lacked energy to propel me further. At my doorstep I met my son and Mary playing but they realized my depressed mood and got concerned. 

“Mummy you seemed tired, what has happened to you? Are you sick?” Marry asked. Before I replied my Peter shouted,

 “Mum is sick," as he embraced my legs in happiness. Instantly I acted fast to diffuse the tension in their minds. 

“My dear, I am just feeling a bit of headache and I have bought some drags and I will be well soon.”

 “Sorry mummy please you need to have some rest after the medicine.”

"Thank you for your concern please get me some water.” Mary edged into the house to draw water while I remained standing at the door way playing with Peter. Within this brief moment, I found my soul had some breathing peace. It seemed that the play I had initiated with Peter was the great medicine for my toxic mind. 

Soon Mary walked with water and she was about to reach me at the door way when I interrupted her. “Please just put it on the table I am just coming in right away. She obliged while Peter kept on interacting with me. Soon I excuse myself in order to take water and the medicine. Since I had felt a cute head rambling on the way, I decided to buy pain killers to take at home. After taking the d**g, I waved to Peter who was still standing at the doorway and he returned my greetings with bubbling enthusiasm. Then I walked to my bedroom with half of my mind relieved of the ghost that was meandering inside my mind.

 I rolled on my bed and laid on my back staring at the ceiling. I inadvertently placed my hands on my chest and all over a sudden my condition worsened. My head started to be flooded with the kissing and hugging I witnessed from the man that had called me for a date. It was the most sinful and ugly scene to watch. How could a normal human being do such a thing to a person he himself pressed for lunch. I still could not understand the whole thing. 

I grinned a little to imagine how lucky Sammy was. The fact that I am married had worked to his advantage. This was why he could molest and degrade me in public and did away with it. But if I were not married the situation would have been different. He would have regretted the whole of his life why he dared me. But then I could not leave this total humiliation to go unchecked. 

I must pay irrespective of how long it would take. 

Momentarily, a bad reflection cropped up in my mind. Why did I do it in the first place? What was I lacking that made me to betray my husband in such ungraceful manner? Why did I not heed my internal warnings from deep inside my soul? The warnings were prominent and real. I was warned by my doubting mind but I failed to get anything out of the free warning. I felt tears coming out of my eyes as the fleeting feelings of betrayal hanged in my mind. I had betrayed everyone I loved. My child, my husband and of course Mary, my house help. I had betrayed myself and the warning signs that had popped into my mind in the initial stages. 

I now realized that I was the most stupid woman on earth and I didn’t deserve to be forgiven. I cried as my heart burned in pain. I rolled in all sides of the bed to appease my soul which appeared to be inflames, but somehow the booming voice of betrayal jammed my heart and catalyst my pain. I heaved heavily in my bed as my burning heart just increased and not even the pain killer I took could not take away the flooding images of a man and a woman kissing in front of me. It was as if I was replaying a move in my head.

 “Who is Sammy in the first place? Is he a p********e or a loose man who could not zip his pants?"

 It was a great conspiracy that after living a life of self-respect and faithfulness, my first attempt for a date outside my marriage ended in a disaster. Inwardly I knew that having a date with Sammy was going to make me give in easily to the man to fulfill his dirty desires. I regarded my body as holy and could only be touched by a man none other than my husband.

 But then the urge to do what my mind warned me against was too difficult. My dominant feelings override all the warning thoughts that I had. At this moment, I thought of my child playing with me outside laughing and cheerfully. I thought of my husband calling every second and each time showering me with romantic expressions and eager to know my welfare.  

It was at this moment that I realized that I deserved what happened to me. I cried and cried until I had no tears to shed. All because of a man who was emotionally distance and who was just out to humiliate me.

 After severe trouble with my thoughts, a catnap stole my soul and my happiness was back once again in the dreamland. The dreamland was quiet and sad at the same time. In my sleep I could hear my own voice yelling Sammy why did you a shamed? why did you tore my life a part me? "I will kill you, I will,"  

Just then a picture my husband Jim appeared beside me and I felt a shamed once again that Jim might have heard my voice shouting to kill another man for love betrayal. My own voice arose me from my sleep and I found myself sweating. I sat at the edge of my bed with eyes full of sleep but panting heavily. I was almost running out of breath. I screened around me with my eyes with fear within the darkness but nothing fascinated my curiosity, everything was still. I sat for some time contemplating however soon another sleep attacked my eyes. I laid on my bed and within no time I was in the fairly land again.

 Soon I saw a vision of Jim besides me. He was staring at me with searching eyes. I remained quiet to gaze his reaction. I felt enormous guilt spread across my face. Maybe he had heard my loud vision. I waited nervously with anxiety.  but I was deceived once again. I saw Jim rose up from bed and held my hands passionately. He led me to the floor and switched on a music and played my favorite.  

We embraced each other lovingly as we swayed our legs, slowly and steadily knocking each other with our legs and somehow trying to imitate the tune of the music. We sang the song and danced and danced until sweat poured out from our skins. 

Then the music stopped, Jim embraced me with his both hands and for the first time his warmth was real. I found my heart skipping out of me as I could not contain the excitement elicited by that simple embrace. Suddenly he held my hands and broke his silence at the c****x of our wonderful fantasy.

 “My sweetheart I love you so much.” 

Then he kissed me as he still sustained the hug. I felt high and I shed tears as merriment overwhelmed my soul. I also had to return the wonderful gesture by saying.

 “My sweat, I am yours with all my soul and heart. I love you-----” 

I failed to say the last words as Jim kissed my cheeks again and I got confused with wild imagination. My own amusement led me to burst into laughter and it was loud enough to make me arrive suddenly from my dreamland. 

I leaped out of the bed sweating rapidly. I looked around for the presence of my husband but I realized that the house was empty with one person standing. I screened the house carefully but I was alone. I felt lonely at once and I realized that the sweet moments that I had just had were nothing but a dream. Instantly it occurred me that I had been shouting to myself and it was my voice that I was listening to. 

At this moment it popped in my mind that my problems were far from over. Suppose I was calling Sammy and saying I would kill him beside my husband what would have happened to me? It could have been big embarrassment which could have created chaotic reaction. I now wish that it would not happened again. It was running to 7.am when I woke from my dreamland to join my family with still heavy head.