Breaking The Cycle

Chapter 11

Austin's POV 

*Present Day*

    I start the truck and pull from the parking lot heading in the direction of Sarah's house. As I drive, I can't help but to think about what just happened. Did I really just pour my heart out to her, the girl I've had a crush on since grade school? When she climbed out of the truck, a nervous wreck before her interview, I couldn't fight the urge to get out and comfort her. I was only planning on a quick kiss and some words of affirmation, but when I looked into her eyes, my brain quite working and my heart took over and I told her I loved her. Before she could reply and went around to get back in the truck. I watched her standing there for a few seconds in a daze before she walked in the building, but I couldn't read her face to know what she might be thinking. After a little while, she came out the front door practically skipping and jumped into the front of my truck doing a little happy dance. Seeing her like that, happy and carefree, made me fall for her even more and again my brain gave up and let my heart take over. In less than a days time, I had told her of all my feelings and now there I was laying my heart out in front of her, completely exposed. After everything she has been through, I honestly expected her to run, but even with fear in her eyes, she looked at me with so much love in her eyes and took my heart and gave me hers in return. Who would have ever guessed that after all this time, I would finally get the girl of my dreams. The same girl that I spent the last 6 years thinking I lost for good, but here she is, sitting next to me and loving me.

    "Hello? Earth to Austin! What's going on in that head of yours?" Sarah says squeezing my hand gently to get my attention.

    "Oh, I'm sorry angel. I was just lost in thought, thinking about how lucky I am to have you." I say looking at her smiling.

    "As sweet as that is, you missed the turn for my house." she chuckles softly.

   "s**t! I'm sorry baby. Hold tight and I'll turn around really quick." I whip the truck around and turn down the little dirt road that leads to her house. Just as we turn she lets go of my hand and runs her fingers down my arm.

    "Austin, my sweet handsome man, can you pull over really quick?" she asks smiling devilishly at me through her long eyelashes.

    "Uhh sure angel. What's wrong?" I ask in reply as I slowly bring the truck to a stop on the side of the dirt road, just about a mile from her house.

    "Nothing's wrong babe, I just had a question for you.." her devilish smile growing. She takes her hand and places it on my chest, caressing my arm with her other hand, "I was just curious, if maybe, you would pretty please, let me drive your truck the rest of the way home?"

    "Are you crazy woman?! Ain't no body driving my truck except me! Why would you even ask a question like that?!" I laugh at in amusement at her question think she must me joking.

    "Seriously?! You're a f*****g asshole Austin!" she says angrily yanking herself away form me and turning to look back out the front window.

    "Sarah, baby, look at me. You know I don't let anyone drive my truck. Come on, look at me." I reach over and try to turn her face to me gently, but she rips away from my grasp and turns her body to look out the side window now.

    "Just take me home, Austin. Now."  arms crossed over her chest and anger rolling off of her like steam. I sit back in my seat and slowly pull back out onto the road making my way down to her house. When I pull into the driveway, she has her seat belt off and door open getting out before I can even cut the truck off. I hurry and rip the keys from the ignition and jump out of my seat taking off after her as she storms across the front yard. Finally reaching her, I grab her arm gently and turn her to me, but she rips from my grasp and just stares at me.

    "What do you want Austin?" 

    "What's going on, Sarah? Are you really mad at me right now?"

    "I'm not mad at you, okay Austin. I'm frustrated with myself."

    "But why? I don't get it? What's the problem?"

    "Nothing, Austin. Not a damn thing! Now please leave me the hell alone.  I need some space. Thanks!" she turns and walks away from me going into the house with me following behind. She walks right past John and Abby and the kids sitting in the living room and goes straight to her room slamming the door behind her. Abby and John give me a confused look as I go to sit on the couch across form them. I simply shake my head, not wanting to talk about this kind of stuff in front of Lizzi and Cameron. They've seen more than enough of their fair share of a man hurting their mom and I didn't want to show them the same.

    "Lizzi? Cameron? Why don't y'all go out back and see if grandma needs some help in the garden?" Abby suggests to the kids as she ushers them to the door helping them slip on their shoes before sending them out.

    "Alright man, what's going on? I ain't seen Sarah this mad in a long time." John says as Abby comes to sit back down beside him.

    "I don't know, dude. One minute things are great and then the next she hates my guts." running my fingers through my hair I let out a sigh of frustration.

    "Tell us what happened, hun and start at the beginning." says Abby looking at me sympathetically.

    "Well, obviously I took her to her interview and she was a nervous wreck, but we talked and she calmed down. When she came out, she was dancing and over the moon with excitement because she got the job. I was so proud of her and seeing her in a state of bliss, I couldn't control myself and told her I loved her. I was worried at first, but then she told me she loves me too and we both out ourselves out there and everything was absolutely amazing. On the drive home though, when we turned down y'alls road, she asked me to pull over and got all sweet and weird on me and then asked if she could drive my truck, and John, man you know I don't let anyone drive my truck. It really caught me off guard and I kinda went off a little, but I didn't mean to and I didn't think I reacted that bad. When we got here she said something about not being mad at me, just frustrated with herself and now she won't talk to me or look at me and it sucks."

    "Oh, sweet Austin, you have so much to learn." Abby chuckles quietly and gets up to come sit next to me. My head is hanging down in my hands and she places a hand on my back, rubbing soothing circles. "Just give her time and she'll come around. All you need to do, is try to see things from her perspective. I have a feeling that when you answered her that you probably raised your voice a bit and maybe even showed a bit of protectiveness over your truck and in her eyes, would show you place the truck at a higher importance than her. Think about it, Austin, you feel you reaction was normal, but to someone who has been abused and rejected, your reaction was everything, but normal. Give her a little bit of time and she'll come around. I promise."

    "f*****g s**t! I'm a f*****g i***t! How did I not think about how my actions would effect her? She was right; I am an asshole." I lay back on the couch defeated, running my finger through my hair.

    "You're not an asshole, Austin." I sit up immediately hearing my name. Sarah is standing in the kitchen looking over into the living room. "Can we please talk?"

    "Yes, of course angel! I want to make this right, please!" I beg as I jump from the couch and go over to where she is standing. She takes my hand in hers and walks us to her room and shuts the door behind us.

Sarah's POV

*Present Day*

    "Okay Sarah, calm down. It's not that serious. You're just overreacting." I try to talk myself down in the mirror. I hate the way I acted, but what did he expect? I trust him with my heart, with my deepest secrets, more importantly, my children and he can't even let me drive his damn truck less than a mile down the road. If he can't trust me with his truck, then how am I supposed to believe he trusts me at all? I know this is irrational thinking to some, but to me, it's just how my brain works. When he raised his voice at me, it scared me and I know he didn't mean to scare me, but he did and I instantly went back into my shell; the same shell that I've worked so hard to pull myself out of. I closed myself off from him and everyone else in that moment and locked myself in my head, the only safe place I have. His words and his actions affected me in such a bad way, but it's not my fault I'm damaged. It's not his fault either, though.

    I can hear Austin in the living room talking with Abby and John, sadness filling his voice and I know I need to go out there and talk to him like an adult. I walk to the door and c***k it open just enough to see and hear what is happening in the living room.

    "....... She was right; I am an asshole." Austin lays back on the couch defeated, running his  fingers through his hair.

    "You're not an asshole, Austin." he sits up immediately hearing his name looking up at me standing in the kitchen looking over into the living room. "Can we please talk?"

    "Yes, of course angel! I want to make this right, please!" he begs as he jumps from the couch and comes over to where I am standing. I take his hand in mine and walks us to my room and shut the door behind us.

    "Sarah, I am so so sorry! I don't know what came over me and I never meant to react the way I did. I promise it will nev.." I interrupt him before he can finish.

    "Please Austin, let me talk. First off, you have nothing to be sorry for. Second, you did not act out of the ordinary or anything. You reacted the way anyone else would have and if I wasn't so damn screwed up, I wouldn't have lost my s**t on you. I am sorry for how I acted back there, but please understand where I am coming from. Loud voices, sudden movements, all those kinds of things scare me, they send me into a world of fear that I can't escape and I react the only way I know how; I get defensive. I know it's not your fault that I am f****d up and you have done amazing things for me to help me heal from all my past hurt, but in that moment earlier in the truck, none of that mattered. All that mattered was that all I could see on your face was outrage and it scared me and then you lifted your hands in the air and I know for you it was an innocent action, but to me I had flashbacks to all the nights when I Mark would hit me for asking "stupid questions" and all I could do was turn away and pray you wouldn't hit me. And before you say anything, I know in my heart you would never hit me, but my head doesn't know that. All my head knows is abuse in all forms. I am sorry again Austin for my actions and words to you earlier and I hope you can forgive me, but before we get to that, I need to make something clear. Obviously, I am an absolute disaster of a human and I have more problems than I can count on both my hands and feet, but I do love you. What I need from you is patience and understanding with me as I try to learn how to be normal, whatever that means and if being with me and all my baggage is too much for you, then I need you to tell me now. If you don't plan on sticking around because I am unstable and a total mess, than just leave now so I can try to move on with my life." I finish off my little speech and just stare into Austin's deep ocean blue eyes. I don't know what I'm looking for, maybe disgust or hate, I'm not sure, but all I see is love.

    "Sarah, my love, I'm not going anywhere. I waited all my life to have you and i'm not gonna give you up. When I thought I lost you 6 years ago I never expected to have you come walking back into my life, but here you are and I'm gonna spend everyday of the rest of my life showing you how much I love you and treasure you. Whatever happened earlier is done and there is nothing we can do to change it, all we can do is move forward and learn from it. We can do this, Sarah, together. I will be by your side cheering for you on your best days and holding you tight on your worst days. You will never have to go through any of your battles in life alone again. I am sorry for how I reacted earlier and I understand the consequences of my actions and I pray that you can forgive me for my ignorance and carelessness." he says coming towards me taking my hands in his. "I'm never going to leave you unless you tell me to go and even then I'm gonna argue with you till the end, my love." he chuckles softly at the last part before kissing the top of my hands.

    "I love you Austin."

    "And I love you Sarah, with all that I am and more."