Breaking The Cycle

Chapter 18

Sarah's POV

*Present Day*

    It's Sunday morning and I'm laying in bed dreading the idea of getting up and getting dressed. My mom came and got Lizzi and Cameron up and dressed for their day with Austin, but they keep begging me to go with them and as much as I want to spend the day with them, I'm just not ready for it. Austin has respected my wishes and the only time I've heard from him was Friday night and again once last night, but that has been it. I haven't left my bed since Friday night after a couple movies on the couch with Abby and the mom guilt is starting to get to me. It doesn't matter what I am going through, I am a mom and my babies need me, but I just can't bring myself to do anything more than lay here and only move from bed to use the restroom. I haven't slept, eaten, or even showered since coming in Friday and I feel like absolute s**t. Still no energy to move from bed, I send my mom a quick text.

Sarah: Hey mom.. I know you've already done a lot for me and I'm just being a cry baby, but will you please just tell Austin that I am sick or something and tell the kids I will make it up to them.. I just don't have it in me to go out today.

Mom: Sweetheart.. I'm worried about you.. I wish you would at least come out and eat or let me come in and talk to you.. I will talk to the kids and Austin, but I won't lie to any of them..

Sarah: I'm sorry mom.. Maybe after they leave, I'll step out for a bit and you don't have to lie for me.. Just tell them whatever you want..

    Suddenly, I hear my bedroom door creak open and a familiar smell fills the room. I roll over to see Austin standing in the doorway, worry written all over his face. In my hand my phone buzzes and I look down to see a text from my mom.

Mom: I'm sorry sweetie, I tried to stop him, but Lizzi told him everything and you rushed back there to you immediately.. That boy really does love you Sarah..

    I look back up at him, locking my phone and laying it down beside me before pushing myself up in a sitting position. He slowly makes his way across the room stopping at the foot of my bed, his eyes studying every inch of me. Standing closer to me now, I can see the bags under his beautiful blue eyes, but they aren't as blue as normal, a sadness consumes the sparkle that is usually there. I can tell he went a few days without shaving, but did this morning, I'm sure to try and look himself for the kids and he looks slimmer, like he hasn't been eating. I'm not sure why I'm questioning his appearance when I'm sure I look absolutely horrific. We stare at each other for a few more seconds till he finally breaks the silence.

    "Lizzi told me you aren't doing well and I just wanted to come check on you." his voice is hoarse.

    "I'm okay, just not feeling up to doing anything." I reply with very little emotion, trying to hold back the tears I can feel building in my eyes. Something about seeing him like this is killing me on the inside and I hate it.

    "You don't look okay, Sarah, but I understand. I'll let you rest and I'll have Lizzi and Cameron back in a few hours. We'll miss you today." he drops his head and turns to walk out of the room.

    "Austin, wait.." I call, pulling myself to the edge of the bed. He stops and turn around to face me. "I'm not okay. I miss you like crazy and I hate myself for it. I'm constantly fighting the urge to call you and forgive you and go running back into your arms, but I need you to know that it's not going to be that easy to fix this. I want you here every night next to me, holding me and calming me after a nightmare. I want to wake up next to you in the morning and see that amazing smile that I miss so much, but I can't. I haven't slept in days and I'm pretty sure if I don't eat something soon that my insides are going to start eating themselves, but just the thought of food makes me sick and every time I close my eyes, the images from your office haunt me and.. And.." my tears begin to roll like hot rivers down my cheeks and I can't hold back the sobs that escape me.

    "Sarah, angel.. Please don't cry. I can't stand to see you like this because of me." Austin moves in front of me, falling to his knees. He places a hand under my chin and turns my face to see him, "I know this is going to take a lot of work and I'm willing to work my ass off to make things right, but in the mean time, there is no reason why you should have to continue to hurt. I want to be here with you, Sarah and to hold you when you need someone, It doesn't have to be anything more than that and I promise I will keep whatever boundaries you set, I just want be here for you. I need to know you are okay. Please." his eyes are locked with mine, filled with pain that pulls at my heart strings.

    "I want to fix this, Austin. I want to be with you and forget everything that has happened, but I can't get her smug face out of my head." 

    "I'm sorry angel. I'm an i***t for everything I have done and I regret my actions more than you or anyone else knows, but I promise you that I will make this right as long as you let me. I need you Sarah.." the pleading in his voice breaks down the wall I've been trying so hard to build and I slide off the bed, crumbling into him. His arms wrap me in a warm embrace and everything in the world feels right again in that moment.

    "I love you Austin Anderson.." I whisper into his chest.

    "I love you Sarah Ann. You are the keeper of my heart." he pulls me closer into him, sitting us on the floor pulling me into his lap. We stay like this for a few more minutes before giggling is heard at the bedroom door. We both turn and see two little bodies watching us intently just as they run over jumping on us.

    "Mommy you're smiling again!" Lizzi cheer as her and Cameron attack us with hugs and kisses.

    "I sure am baby girl and it's because I have the best little family in the whole world." I kiss her cheek and turn to Austin smiling.

    "Hey you two, I thought we were going to see a movie, today?" Austin asks, picking Cameron up over his head and tossing him on the bed before doing the same with Lizzi.

    Cameron sits up on the bed and crosses his arms over his chest, jutting his bottom lip out. "I not go if mommy not go.." he pouts. I stand up from the floor and grab him off the bed swinging him around in my arms.

    "I'll go if y'all really want me to.." I smile at my babies.

    "YES! YES! Please come!" Lizzi, Cameron, and Austin all shout in unison causing me to burst out laughing.

    "Well mommy is stinky, so you'll have to give me a few minutes to shower." I get out through my laughter. Austin snags up the kids and kisses my cheek before heading out of the room with them telling them to give me a little bit to get ready and then we can leave. I go to my dresser and pull out a clean bra and panties and a pair of yoga pants before going to my closet for a t-shirt and then heading to the bathroom. I take a quick shower, jumping out and getting dressed. I throw my hair in a messy bun on the top of my head and brush my teeth, then head out to the living room where Austin and the kids are waiting for me. My mom is sitting there as well and by the smile I see on her face, I know Austin gave her a run down of what happened. I laugh to myself at how invested in my love life my mom is and walk past them to the front door slipping on my sandals. I turn back to where everyone is at just as Austin and the kids stand, telling my mom goodbye and walk towards me. With a quick bye and a wave over my shoulder we head out the door to the truck.

    After spending a ridiculous amount of money at the theater on every snack and drink the kids wanted, plus an hour in the arcade, we finally head out for a late lunch and ice cream. Of course since today is all about the kids, they get to pick where we go, so we end up at a pizza buffet, stuffing our faces. When we finish eating, Austin gives the kids each $10 for the arcade there and they use every last penny. On our way back to the house, we stop at our favorite ice cream parlor in town and I order a giant ice cream Sunday for us to all share. Cleaning up little faces and hands, we get our stuff together to head home.

    "You know, I had the kids beds delivered yesterday and they are made up for them already. If you wanted to go back to my house tonight. You don't have to, I don't want you to think I'm pushing you." Austin says once we are all back in the truck, the kids already falling asleep from all the excitement of the day.

    "I would love to Austin, but I'm not quite ready yet. Today has been amazing and it feels good to be moving around and spending time with you, but I still need a little time. I'm sorry.." I turn looking out the window.

    "That's okay Sarah. I understand completely, I just wanted to put the offer out there." he focuses his attention back to the road as we make our way to my house. It's complete silence as we drive and I can't help but to feel like I hurt him with the rejection, but I have to think about myself and my kids and I don't want to jump right back in with him, just to be hurt again. Yes today was great and we laughed and were happy together, but the trust is still gone. Pulling up to the house, he helps me get the kids out and carry them inside to their bed. After tucking them in we walk back out to the living room.

    "Well, I guess I'm gonna go ahead and go home. It's an early day at the store tomorrow and I haven't had a lot of sleep the last few days. Thank you for today though. I really enjoyed myself and I think I've had enough junk food to last me a lifetime." he chuckles softly.

    "I enjoyed myself too, Austin and yes, there was a lot of junk today. I'm gonna need to actually start working out to make up for it." I laugh a little. "Umm, maybe tomorrow you can come over for dinner? I know the kids will be excited and I would like your company as well." I try not to be awkward when asking. 

    "I'd really like that. So tomorrow at about 6 is okay? I'll bring a dessert with me." he smiles and leans in to kiss my cheek. "I'm gonna go now though. I love you angel." he says turning and walking out, back to his truck to leave.