Sweeter than Cake [MxM] [English Version]

06 / Unspoken Feeling

"...That strange girl deliberately showed off her closeness to Lynx after saying that she was Lynx's future wife. If she really believes that she can become Lynx's wife one day, how could she say that to me three times?"

"... She always even wanted to take a seat next to Lynx. Even when I was in the car, I wanted to change seats in the front seat, but Lynx forbade me. I can't imagine what Lynx's father said to his son yesterday, that Lynx couldn't help but accept that strange girl's presence beside him continuously."

"... But strangely... starting with the lunch incident, that strange girl started to approach me. Is she no longer suspicious of me? Did she choose to change her strategy to be able to observe my movements, or for some other reason? I still have a lot to think about, but I'm sure it's weird that she was the same as our age. I still remember I saw her on television about three years ago and her face and body haven't changed until now. It's weird that an artist's fashion doesn't seem to change between the ages of thirteen and sixteen."

".... If you could see her attitude, Mom... she asked me to wait while she finished her lunch and even made me accompany her to eat five kinds of cakes she ordered until the recess bell was over. What annoys me was Lynx casually let us alone... .."

After I talked at length non-stop with overflowing emotions, Mom couldn't hold back her laughter. After Mom noticed that I had stopped talking, she tried to cover her mouth with her hand even though I could tell that her gesture was still laughing.

"Sorry... At first, I felt like my son was falling in love when talking about a sexy girl that made many boys stunned. But in the end, your story will return to that one person. I laughed because I ignored my instincts which said your story must end at Lynx's back," Mom said, making me frown.

"It means that I have no other life than with Lynx, doesn't it?" I asked after I had tried to digest Mother's words for a few seconds.

"Yes, that's it."

Mom replied while gulping down the remaining water in her glass. Hearing the tone of confidence in Mother's answer made me pause to think further. The atmosphere at the dinner that was originally noisy with my long story now felt awkward because the atmosphere suddenly turned silent.

"Sometimes you just need to stop thinking and ask your own heart, Rui."

Mom looked at me with a different smile than usual. Not an ambiguous raised half-lip smile, but Mom was smiling wholeheartedly with a shady look in her eyes. Since I rarely saw this sight, I was a little taken aback by the aura of beauty emitted by Mom.

"But still...."

"Not even five seconds from what I just said, you've used your brain again," Mom said, stopping my sentence with her palms pointed in front of my face. Mom's face immediately turned to disappointment. Her eyes narrowed. Her brows furrowed. "Stop analyzing."

"It's not fair.... I even have to first analyze all your words before doing what you say, Mom!" I said in a voice like someone whining.

Mom rose from her seat, cleared all the cutlery on the table and began to wash it in silence. I watched all the activities that were done by Mom but she seemed not to want to give me room to talk.

Stop thinking? Stop analyzing? How come. Even to digest Mom's words I have to think.

Asking my heart? What do I mean when I talk about Vanilla and Lynx? I'm not comfortable because Vanilla bothers me so much. Why is there an uncomfortable feeling? What's bothering me that makes me feel uncomfortable?

"I felt uncomfortable when Lynx hid something from me yesterday and I'm uncomfortable with Vanilla's presence today. You mean I have to ask about that uncomfortable feeling?"

My explanation this time succeeded in making Mom stop her activities. We both looked at each other.

"Yes, that's right. You've always been thinking about whether this is logical or not. But you've never questioned...whether it hurts or not," Mom said in a soft voice as she put her right hand on her hand on my chest. "If you feel uncomfortable at that moment, ask why you don't feel comfortable. Not just question whether the other person's actions are logical or not."

When I began to understand the meaning of Mom's words, little by little, suddenly the cellphone that was on the dining table vibrated and emitted light from the screen. The name Lynx is listed in the middle of the screen with two red and green buttons at the bottom.

"I'll take the call first, Mom."

Mom replied with a smile and gave me a few light pats on the head. Then I shifted the green button on the cellphone screen while moving from the kitchen to my room on the second floor.

"I have just finished dinner. Sorry I haven't had time to reply to your message," I said while sticking the cellphone screen to my left ear.

I can imagine the exact face of Lynx being silent with the intense look in her eyes as if I was face to face with her right now. "Having a conversation with your mother?" Lynx asked with a short pause after I initiated the conversation.

"Yes. We chatted for quite a while. Previously, I had to prepare dinner so I didn't have time to check the contents of my cellphone," I said spontaneously, giving an excuse even though I wasn't asked. I was in front of my bedroom door and as long as I opened the door until I sat on the chair in the room, there was no sound coming out of my cellphone speaker. "What's the matter, Lynx?"

"I was just worried that today's incident made you uncomfortable, but it looks like you've spilled it on your mother."

Lynx's words made me quite shocked. The two closest people in my life can judge that I'm not okay, whereas I've never thought that way for so long. At least until two people reminded me today.

"My mother said more or less the same thing as you. Please give me a clue as to what exactly is making me uncomfortable."

"Because maybe I could just leave you."

Now it's my turn to be silent for a long time. Mom's words came to my mind again. Actually, what do I feel at the moment?

"I've had the experience of being almost abandoned by you and it really made me uncomfortable," added Lynx afterwards.

"You mean... when I was sick that time?"

Lynx didn't answer my question, but nothing else had anything to do with what Lynx was saying at that point other than when I was out of school for a few days.

When I was nine years old, my mother was not allowed to leave my room because I had a high fever. It was the first time Lynx had to refrain from seeing me after we saw each other almost every day for two years. For a child our age at the time, it was only natural that Lynx didn't see me and chose to stay at his home. But then he insisted on coming to my house, waiting in the living room for hours until my mother finally gave in and let him into my room.

During that high fever I was very weak, so I don't really remember what we talked about. But one thing I can't forget is the expression on Lynx's face, which was initially trying to be strong until she sobbed on the edge of my bed. My mother said she sat beside the bed holding my hand for hours while I fell asleep again. After I recovered, I had time to ask Lynx why she cried like that when I was sick. Lynx replied that he was very afraid of me dying and left him.

"But the conditions were very different between when we were kids and now," I said, finding something odd about Lynx's comparison of conditions.

"Why is it different?"

"Yes, of course it's different! At that time you thought I might die, so it's natural to feel left out. This time it's different... So, is actually that strange girl really your future wife or not? You even let us eat together, right? The reason must be because you don't want to be bothered by that girl. It is impossible that you want to avoid your own wife-to-be, isn't it?"

"You still insist that you don't feel like you're going to be left behind, but even then you're still hesitating. Tsk tsk...." Lynx clucked loudly with the intention of trying to corner me right now.

"Besides, if that strange girl is indeed your future wife, I can still see you, right?"

"Again, there is doubt about your words."

"Actually what happened? Why did your father suddenly come to my house yesterday? Why did that strange girl suddenly come and say that she was your future wife? Why didn't I know everything? Why..."

"Hey, Rui." The bass sound of the Lynx stopped all my thoughts and emotions that were gushing out from their source. "I called to check on this. Turns out you weren't all right."

"Yes...." I answered briefly while taking a deep breath.

"Listen to me..." There was a long pause before Lynx continued. "Someone threatened my father by saying that he would reveal the secrets of the Olivine family to the public. All the relatives of each family member, all the employees who work for the company and our family have been named suspects by my father. Maybe your mother hasn't told you yet, but my father also came to your mother before meeting you yesterday." My chest suddenly felt tight. For the past two days, I didn't realize that while I was telling Mom about the various problems that had happened to me, she was actually covering up the same problem so as not to worry me more.

"Your father suspects my mother too? Then what did he get from my mother?"

"Nothing. Since your mother worked with my father, my father trusted your mother quite a bit. Then the place where a lot of people can be suspected again is our school. And Vanilla was sent to watch the movements of those around me."

"By saying that she is your future wife?" Again a long pause. I was getting impatient with Lynx's response and started babbling. "At least I have to know if that girl is really your future wife or not. If she really is your future wife... that means... I'll try to be friends with her... yes... maybe you're right, one day we're both going to have a girlfriend and... leave each other... I'm... just quite surprised that my worries happened so quickly," I said nervously and my voice stuttered. Good thing I said it over the phone because I would be too embarrassed to go face-to-face with Lynx right now.

At first I thought our phone was disconnected, but when I looked at the phone, nothing had changed on the screen other than the number on the call that changed every second. And one minute passed without any conversation between me and Lynx.

"Hello? Lynx, are you still there?"

"Yeah..." Lynx answered briefly, clearing her throat.

"Was my voice not heard just now?"

"No, I heard it."

"Still don't want to answer it? Well... never mind..."

"Wait a minute, Rui. I'm just still stunned that you were so honest about your worries." Lynx's words again made me nervous and this time I chose to be silent before uttering other words that made me more embarrassed. "I wish I could go over to your house right now," Lynx said in a volume so low it sounded like a mumble to himself.

"Wait a minute... you want to come to my house..?"

"Vanilla is very good at distorting the fact that someone is going to threaten me in public while at school. And the only way for her to stay around me is to pretend to be the person I'm closest to," said Lynx, ignoring my petty question and giving me the answer to the question I'd been waiting for.

"Ah... well... it's appropriate that I don't see her as a person who is just making small talk. But am I still suspected of being a suspect?"

"Yeah. Vanilla'd better keep an eye on you too, so there's no conflict of interest when she reports information to my father."

"About the secret... you don't want to tell me yet, Lynx?"

My question made Lynx pause again. I don't even need to check my cellphone because I'm getting used to this long silence.

"Sorry, Rui. I know this makes you uncomfortable too. But I mustn't take the wrong step regarding this secret because it's going to be a high risk that I might not be able to handle."

"It's okay... I just questioned it too many times in my head. At least I know now that you can't tell me because the risk is high," I replied with a smile even though my interlocutor couldn't see it. "I guess I have to thank my mother for telling me to listen to my heart."

"Inner voice?"

"Yeah . . . I didn't think that saying what made me uncomfortable would actually make me feel relieved, even though I still didn't know everything I wanted to know."

"Your mother must understand you very well."

"Yes, of course. My mom used to say that when she talked to me she seemed to see a reflection of her past self. That's why she knows what I need when I'm in trouble."

All this time, I've tried to ignore my feelings and not tell Mom, because I know that Mom is the one who has been suffering being a single parent and struggling about a lot of things. My mother's family did not approve of my mother's marriage to my father, so from I was born until now, my mother and I have never met my mother's family. Father and his family disappeared and never looked for me and my mother, as if our presence had never existed in their minds. So it was my only mom who had been struggling for the purpose of both our wealth until now.

I felt I had to be a strong person for Mom, so I didn't rely on my feelings at all that time. I thought that I had to understand that one day I too would be abandoned by the two closest people to me, Mother and Lynx. But I never thought that a small thing like Vanilla's arrival could trigger the worries that had been buried for so long.

My conversation with Lynx on the phone tonight has replaced the time I missed with Lynx because of Vanilla's arrival this morning. I never thought that I could be so worried about losing my best friend like now.