What Am I?!

Brianna

Anxious Mom

Okay, my daughter has found the "LOVE of her LIFE!" I'm a little, okay a lot, more skeptical. She's only 15! Sure, I had her 19, after my first semester at college and my parents' death in a car accident, but I was a little naive back then. I don't want her to make the same mistake. SHE is not a mistake, but my choice of boyfriend left much to be desired. I want to be there when he breaks her heart. I remember being "in love" and being so sure that the special "he" would not hurt me on purpose. Then he did. I hope she's right, I'm going to have to hurt him. Still, some mistakes you need to learn for yourself.

My name is Brianna Sanderson and I was in a phase of teenage hormones. Yes, I went out drinking with a few close friends. I was 5'5" with a decent chest and backside and felt good about myself. I wasn't an athlete, but I had two girlfriends with whom to get jogging, to the cafe/bakery, twice a week.

One night, before leaving for college, I decided to sneak out of my second story window to go see my boyfriend, Mark. I was determined to lose my virginity. He had no clue until I showed up. That was the night that Natalie was conceived.

When I got home, the police were there. I believe that my parents had called them and I was pissed off! I stormed past the officers and ripped down police tape while I went through the whole house. It was then that I realized the car was gone. My parents were not anywhere in our home.

I demanded to know where my parents were. The detective sat me down in the living room to tell me. My anger dissolved into grief in seconds. I was interviewed by a detective and a grief counselor. When I paused to ask my own questions, I found out that they had been rear-ended into a cement construction divider at an intersection of Barton Street. There was evidence, but no suspects. No one to pay for the lives of my parents.

As the anger subsided, reality set in. I was not part of a crime series drama. My parents were dead. The worst part was that it was my fault. They were looking for me when they got in that accident. Had I stayed home, they would still be alive.

The following day, I woke up at 10:00 a.m. I checked my cell phone. I had forgotten to charge it the night before. I have been slept in the clothes I wore out last night. I went downstairs and entered the kitchen. Nothing was cooking, no coffee brewing. There was no smiling, overprotective mother, no doting father with bad jokes. After crying at the breakfast counter I decided to pull myself together - as much as possible - and make myself toast and coffee. I had to be responsible for myself. I had to get back to my life or disgrace my parents. At least, that's what I told myself... every... single... step.

I showered and dressed and decided to go see Mark. Maybe he could help me keep myself together. Maybe he could help me through the next steps of my life - burying my parents, sorting through their lives and keeping the bills paid. I hoped that he could lend me a shoulder while I needed the stability.

On trembling legs I walked down the street and around the corner, following the route I'd walked last night. I turned left at the corner and looked four houses down on the right. There was no car in the driveway, nor in the open garage. In the cleaned out, open garage. I tried the door from the garage into the house and it opened. In the house, more of the same. There was no Mark, no Mark's parents, no furniture, nothing. The only indication that anyone had lived there were the unworn spots on the carpet where furniture had been. I don't know when I started to laugh.

'This is ridiculous! I can't believe my luck!' I thought. I laughed until I collapsed in the middle of the living room and I cried again. 'I'll be alright,' I thought, 'but I'm going to need a minute.' My inner voice responded, 'This sucks big hairy balls!'

I had finished high school six months before my 18th birthday. That's the benefit of being born in late December, you can be put in one school year or the next. My parents had helped me get into George Washington University for my first year in college. They had met there and wanted me to have the on campus experience, too. Everything was ready, except for minor details, like my own car. Thanks to the help of friends I was able to finish my plans in Arlington, Virginia and make it to school. After I started showing signs of my pregnancy, the friends walked away, unable to see themselves on the same path as me. We just grew apart.

Natalie was an easy baby. When she smiled, she lit up a room. When she cried, she was likely to stop as soon as she was taken care of. That's not to say that she was perfect, but her charm showed brightly. "Santa" always got one gift from the wish list and she never acted disappointed when she didn't get much else. I've always told her that she's my "baby" and always will be. She rolls her eyes, but understands. I just want her to have everything her heart desires, as any mother would.

I don't want her to settle right away. Leo is a good boy, there's no doubt in my mind about that, but he's her first. I don't want Natalie to miss out on other experiences. I also hoped he could wait for her to grow up some more before... you know.

Leo is telling me all the things a mother wants to hear: "Education is important, We will be home before curfew, Do we have permission to go to my house," etc. He has introduced her to his extended family. He would like to introduce me, too. In all honesty, how many 18-year-olds consider marriage after a week of dating? Still, if that's my only concern with him, he may be a keeper. He seemed to make Natalie really happy, and that is truly what counts.

I understand that his family has money and his father is some town leader/mayor type. He knows that the only reason we can afford this little house is that I sold my parents' house in Arlington and we lived in lower end apartments until we found the perfect house here in Kenova, West Virginia. I work in Huntington, about 20 minutes away, at a diner owned by a woman named Joyce with whom I have become friends. We have no pets. The cats in the neighborhood hate me. I don't know why.

My house was my refuge and I had a sun-filled plant room that I had filled with herbs. I also planted a cherry tree out front as a nod to where I lived in Arlington, and a couple of honeysuckle bushes from grafts of a bush from my parents' house. It calmed me to care for the plants and tell them about my day. I loved the smells of the soil and the different herbs as I harvested them. Natalie had helped me since she could help without eating the soil.

Right now, Natalie was out with Leo. He spoiled her and always agreed to let her get something for me. Natalie had told him that if she gets spoiled, then so do I. Leo had invited us to a formal family banquet. He had rooms for Natalie and I to stay the long weekend. I kept telling myself I'm not nervous. 'Yeah, right.'

Natalie was more important than anything else to me. When she found the right guy, she would have a home and a family of her own. I hoped that I could find a place in the background while she shined. Lord knows I'm not ready for this. Heaven help me!