Poor Me

Chapter 9

Dylan

I'm still giddy when I get off work the next day. I can't stop thinking about my kisses with Dylan which is not good since I kept messing up at work. I wish she'd let us have fun and stop worrying about everything. I know that if this 'thing' doesn't go well we'll have to end our friendship. My mother always said you can't be friends with the person you dated if you truly loved them. So if we're to be together and break up we'd have to break our friendship up and I'm not having that. Ever.

Besides Tommy, Mica is the only person who I truly love and who is always with me and supporting me when I need her. So as much as I want us to have a chance I don't want to ruin what we have. So I'll kindly back off. But if I'm not with Mica then I'll need to find someone soon. Saint Adis is not that big and I've been hearing what Tate has been up to. So I'll admit I kinda feel pressured to find someone soon so people will stop pitying me about losing my kids, my mom and my fiancee. I want to show everyone that I've moved on or at least that I'm capable of it. So I've hatched a plan of going on dates with anyone who'll take me —or allow me to take them— to a one.

I know it's sounds like I'm doing this for other people rather than myself but I need this too. I need someone who will kiss me senseless, hold my hand, tell me she loves me and mean it.

To start a family with. Maybe.

I already have to deal with being alone on the birthday of the twins with is coming up in a few days.

There are more dates like that, that I dread. Like the date of the day they died, moms birthday and the date of which she died. I can't go through those alone. I know Mica would gladly be with me but what happened between us we'll need some time apart to get things to cool down.

Since I started dating I've never went a year without being in a relationship. I'm just not used to being alone. No one to talk to intimately, to kiss, to hold or to have s*x with. It's already been long since I had s*x and my kisses with Mica definitely reminded me how much I missed it. I'm not one for one night stands so this is proving to be harder now that I had to relax for two years knowing I already had someone. Putting myself out there again will be hard but I'm willing to find myself a beautiful woman who will sweep me off my feet. I just hope it doesn't turn out like my other relationships.

Which brings us to the reason I'm racing to my apartment today. I have a date. If I want to move on with my life I have to get Mica out of my system as soon as possible. Because what we did keeps on playing on loop in my mind and I can't always touch myself thinking about how hot and bothered she makes me feel. So I chose the best way to deal with it.

A replacement.

I don't wanna be late so I take a quick shower spending extra time on my hair making sure it smells and looks good. I lotion and dry my hair then I put on my favorite short peach cami dress, my gold necklace and earrings. I wear my thigh high boots which is a struggle but I pull through. I don't feel like makeup so I just put mascara and red lipstick. I pull my hair into a ponytail leaving some strands to fall on my face, too lazy for edges.

I grab my phone making sure my date hasn't called yet. I'm still 15 minutes early so I have time to drink a glass of wine and relax a bit. I'm about to pour it when I hear a knock on the door.

I go to open thinking it's Mica. But it's not.

It's Cruse.

He's with Tommy and Lenny but still. What the f**k does he want. I want to shut the door in their faces but I don't.

"Look whatever it is you guys have for me it has to wait. As you can see I'm on my way out" I tell them in a cold voice. I'm not ready to talk to Cruse. I'm still angry so I don't want to say things I'll regret later on. They can't just appear unannounced like I don't have a life.

"Please Dylan don't be like this atleast let us in" my brother begs.

"I'm leaving and I can't exactly leave you alone in my apartment" I say even though I open the door wider letting them in.

"Just hear us out Dylan" Lenny pipes in.

"Make it fast I don't want to be late for my date"

"We think you and Cruse should sort things out. Make peace and move on" Tommy adds.

"Easy for you to say, you didn't find him f*****g Lenny" I snarl.

"Tate came to me. I wouldn't have done it if she didn't" Cruse finally says something, something really stupid it makes me want to kick him in the balls.

"But you're not sorry and you don't care how I feel because you think it's fair that I lost her too after losing my kids and my mom. You're don't care because I took your meal ticket and now you have to stop being a low life and grow the f**k up" I breathe through my nose trying to remain calm "Well I don't care because you lost your real meal ticket, Tate didn't want me anymore and I only have one family member left in this world so it's fine. Just like you wanted I didn't get married anymore. I almost lost everything even my life for something I had no control over. Mom killed herself not me, it was survivors guilt nothing else. I didn't blame her nobody did but herself. So kick me while I'm down and call it revenge all you want but we both know I never killed anyone."

The is a long silence the three of them just staring at me. "Seems like we're done here so can I get on with my plans like I was. I don't want to keep my date waiting"I say at last.

"Why do you only put the blame on me. Tate came to me not the other way around. It's not fair that you are angry at me but not her."

Unfuckenbelievable. I seriously can't with this guy.

"I'm done talking to you just get out"

"What, just like that"

"Yes just like that. Cruse I don't think you realize what you did to me. You're not Tate or anyone else. I needed you to be there but you chose to do the most stupidest thing ever. I can't have someone like you in my life, someone who thinks is entitled to my help, to me sacrificing my feelings for him just so he can feel better about himself. No f*****g way."I get in his face."Tate is not related to me you are. Me and her are done but you... even if I don't talk to you I have to see you in family gatherings, thanksgiving, Christmas and birthdays. Do you know how that feels, looking at you and knowing what you did. And don't you dare say I'm exaggerating, my feelings are valid you're just a piece of s**t for not seeing that. Now you can leave because you're clearly not sorry about what you did and you don't care"

I turn to my other uninvited guests "Tommy. Lenny. Thank you for trying to sort things out, mom would have been proud but I won't forgive someone who doesn't want to be forgiven. I really have to go somewhere in like ten minutes ago"

"Fine we'll leave but please call if you need anything Dylan. You can even come visit us for a while" says Tommy.

"Okay thanks I'll think about it" Lenny gives me a hug and Tommy just pats my shoulder.

"Take care sis. I love you"

They leave while I just stand there completely knocked out of my element. My date is probably not interested anymore but I still send her a text telling I won't make it. Then I grab my bag and jacket making my way to my car.

I drive to Mica's place rushing to nock a couple of times. So much for putting space between us

"What happened?" she asks opening the door wider. it's almost funny how I always end up here when s**t goes down.

"Nothing I just...I need my friend right now"

"Of course, sit down I'll get you something to drink" I take off my jacket, necklace, earrings and boots.

"Can I sleep here today." she frowns a little "Don't worry I'll sleep on the couch"

"No you can take the bed I don't think I'll sleep much today I'm binge watching Attack on Titan season 4"

"What is that, is it good"I ask her.

"Well you could watch with me and decide" she offers.

"Okay can I borrow something to wear" I agree because sleep doesn't come easy these days so I can use a distraction.

"Sure, go find something. I'll make us sandwiches" she makes her way to the kitchen.

I decide I'll wear her over sized shirt that falls between my thighs and wipe the red lipstick off, let my hair fall. I make my way to the couch, Mica already sprawled on top of it Sandwich on the coffee table. I lie down next to her then she hugs me from behind.

I'm not paying attention to what we're watching but i am paying attention on the fingers that keep making little circles on my tummy. This is not what I had in mind for tonight but it's beats everything i would have had with someone else.