Roses and Flames

Chapter 36

“As did you,” Ambrose said, trying to sound more knowledgeable than she was.

“Then you did not expect much of me,” he said, still laughing. “That was over before it was begun. In the future, I shall try harder to please you.”

The future. They would have a future and it would be full of this. How wonderful that would be.

 “Of course, today, we did not have long. When we do this again, I will take my time.”

He stood, leaving her on the bed, and fumbling his way back into his clothes. She held out a hand to draw him back. ”where are you going?”

“I must check on my patient. He is most likely still asleep, for the doors I gave him was strong. But still, one must never assume.”

She sat straight up in the bed and felt the blanket fall away from her. She gathered it hastily around her. It was ludicrous to be embarrassed now, after what they had done. But she was.

She had forgotten Samuel.

But, clearly, her lover had not.

Once Patrick had gone, she gathered up her clothing, washed undressed herself. Then she sat down on the edge of the bed and waited. Patrick returned to the room shortly, and dropped his wag in on the floor near the door.

“The swelling increases, but that is to be expected. I gave him one more dose of laudanum, so that he will sleep through the worst of it. Later this afternoon, we will we can we will treat it more aggressively.”

He started the doorway, finally noticing her expression. “You are thinking of the engagement, aren’t you?”

Of course she was. And it was too late to be doing so. Her personal sense of honor should have reminded her of it an hour ago.

“I betrayed Samuel.”

“You have not married as yet.” Patrick was so matter of fact about it. And it was as if he was describing some easily cured disease.

“But I promised.”

“Then break it.” Patrick sat down beside her and put an arm about her shoulder. “You must tell him that you made a mistake. Or would you prefer that I did? I did mean to speak to him on the subject, when he was better.” His face clouded for a moment. “But then I had not expected things to move so quickly. Perhaps, when he weeks, I should---"

“No,” she interrupted. “It must be me.” She was so tired of being presented with a fait accompli. She would not be rushed into decision to part from Samuel, as she had with the one to accept him. “But it will not be today. He must be fully awake and healthy enough to understand.”

“Very well,” Patrick said cautiously. Then he stroked her so shoulders. “But let it be soon, Ambrose. I love you. And I know that you love me. Now that you have felt how it can be between us, do not deny those feelings.”

“There will be a scandal,” she said. Worse than that, her father would be heartbroken.

“But we do not have to stay in London to see it full run away with me. The arm above her shoulder pulled her closer so he could whisper in her ear. “Anywhere you wish to go. Scotland? Italy? The Americas? Name the place and I’ll take you there.”

“ Would you marry me, then?” For now that they had done the deed, he did not speak of a wedding.

“Of course,” he scoffed as if he expected her to know. But how could she?

“I must say, your story has changed, since the night he told me to accept the Duke. You swore then that you would never marry me.” She stared straight ahead, afraid of what his face might reveal.

His hands still on hers, and then dropped away. ”Things have changed since that night.”

She did not want change. She wanted the constant love that she had shown to him. And how do I know that they will not change again, once I have broken with the Duke?

“Because I have always been yours,” he said. “From the first, I have loved you.”

“Then why did you call it lust? And why did you refuse me, when I was free to offer my heart?” She turned to stare at him now and waited for some clue that would reveal the truth.

His face darkened. “At the time, I thought it was for the best. For the both of us.”

“You thought for me, did you? And was I not to be consulted in my own future?” It seemed, just as her father had with the Duke got that Patrick did not think her capable of making reasoned decisions. But if she was married to the Duke, then he would treat her the same way.

The situation was… he seemed at last four words. The problem was delicate. You were promised to another man when I arrived. I did not want to interfere.

“It is not interference if help is requested,” she said, exasperated. “If I was promised, it was by someone else. I had nothing to do with the decision but you must have known how conflicted I was. Why all but threw myself at your feet and begged you to love me.”

“Well… yes.” This seemed to make him more uncomfortable than ever.

“I waited for years, between heaven and hell,” knowing that he would come back for me and fearing that he would not.

“Can you not offer me any other explanation for my other than that you thought for it was for the best?” Despite that what just had happened, and act which should have answered all her questions, she was still angry at him. He had distracted her with sweet words and seduced her into breaking her promise. But it had changed nothing. He had left her without explanation. She had smothered the anger she felt, wrapping it in prayers for his safety and fantasies that he would return to her. But she remembered the letters as well as he, for she had written them. She had begged for explanations. She had called him out on his cruelty. And, for six years, he had said nothing.

He pulled her closed again, his arms about her shoulders and his lips on her throat, teasing the nerves until she shuddered. “I suffered as well,” he whispered. “There was no heaven for me. Only the hell of being without you. But now, everything has changed.”

She fought free of him and slid down the mattress to put distance between their bodies. “How has it changed? What is it so very different today from a few days ago?” But she feared she knew.

“I…I…I…”

Patrick, who was never at loss for words when he was refusing her, could not manage to speak.

“Is it because I’m engaged to your brother?”

“He is not my brother,” Patrick snapped.

“You of all people should not deny biology of this. You share your father.”

“But we are nothing alike.” Yet he sounded confused, as though he did not know who he was anymore.

“That is a shame,” she said. “The Duke is a wonderful man.”

“And thank you for reminding me of that now.” Sarcastic again, not the patient loving man he had been before he bedded her.

“Why does Samuel’s presence in my life suddenly bother you?”

“For it was past the point where that was easy to change. You approved of him when you met him.”

“I had no reason not to. He has no flaws, damn the man.”

“Jealousy is unworthy of you,” Ambrose reminded him.

“But it is well deserved,” Patrick said. “What chance do I have to be his equal?”

“You do not need to be. You are fine, just as you are.” Was that all this had been about?

“Oh really?” He said, with a cynical smile. “Because you cannot seem to be talking about him. Obviously there must be something wrong with me, because, I find, after all this time, that my father did not wish to acknowledge my existence.”

“But you must have known… for how else did want end up in a foundling home?”

“That I’m a nameless nobody. And he is a Duke. What could I ever do to compete? What do I have that he does not?”

“Other than my Maidenhead?” She asked, her stomach feeling sick and strange. “You have that now. And my husband never shall.”

He realized what he had said and his face seemed to crumple. “That is not what I meant. Not at all.”

“But it is true, is it not?” It seemed quite obvious, now that she thought of it. The moment he learned the truth about himself, everything had changed.

“Ambrose, it is not as you think. I have long to lie with you, of course. Dreamed of it my whole life.”

“In lust,” she reminded him.

For had he not admitted it before?

“Love,” he insisted, now that it was too late. “I have always loved you. When it comes to you I am unchangeable,” he said. “I thought I was not worthy. And I tried, all my life to avoid this moment. And I failed.”

It had been the most wonderful thing to have ever happened to her and yet he had fought against it. But once they were in bed, he had just known what to do to her to render her senseless with desire. So senseless that she had forgotten her duty to Samuel. Those lessons had not been in medical books.

“In this time you were fighting your love for me, were you innocent as well?”

“What?” There question seemed to confuse him.

“Like a monk,” she supplied. “Celibate. Waiting in chastity for the time that we might be together.”

“Of course not.” She saw his lips twitched. He had almost laughed at her question. “That is quite a different thing. Because you are a man. And because I thought that I could never have you.” For him it must have been an easy decision. He could not have her, but he must have someone. Now that the thought was in her head, she could not help but imagine him with others, doing what they had done. And, worse yet, he had done it even as he claimed to have loved only her the whole life.

“So you console yourself with others, until the very hour that I gave up waiting, at your suggestion…No. At your demand, I publicly and I accepted another man,” she reminded him. “And then, suddenly, you rediscovered your love and seduced me.”

“Ambrose. Ambrose, no.” He was shaking his head, as though he could not believe the word she was saying. “That is not how it happened at all.”

Then tell me, Patrick. Why now? If you had a better reason, he must tell her.

But he offered her no defence. If you have nothing to say for yourself then I must assume that I guessed the truth.

He shook his head again, as though trying to turn from something unpleasant. “I cannot tell you. I simply cannot. You must trust me when I say that it was a horrible misunderstanding on my part.”

“I must trust you?” She stood and backed away from the bed. Even now, after all she had learned, she was not sure that she could resist him if he kissed her again.

“I trusted you before, when you said that it was never going to be. And look where it has got me if I’m dishonoring myself and betraying a man who needs me, who wants me and who, as you have pointed out, has never given me a reason to do this. Worse yet, he is ill.”