Code Blue

Lexi vs. The Beach House

He kept his fingers intertwined with mine for the entire drive. He didn’t look at me, though. He didn’t really speak to me either. He didn’t really speak in general. The most I heard him say was telling me that I could choose the radio station and giving his order at the drive through window of a burger joint on the way. The rest of the one-and-a-half-hour ride, he kept his gaze intensely focused on the road, his thumb absentmindedly rubbing up and down the side of my wrist.

I understood. He was in the process of making a gigantic decision; one that would change his life in ways he couldn’t even imagine. In ways that it made my heart ache to think about. Because although he thought that he was on the verge of baring his soul and hoping that the truth might actually set him free, he didn’t realize that it was that honesty that would be his downfall.

But I couldn’t stop him. I couldn’t warn him that confessing the details of his family business to me was a bad idea without having to explain why. And then there was the fact that this was exactly the moment this entire mission had led up to; the moment where I get a firsthand account of the truth, which meant that if I stopped it from happening, I’d probably be pulled from fieldwork indefinitely.

The clock was ticking. Every second that passed was one less moment I would spend with Max still having positive feelings towards me, so I needed to cherish all of it. So I relished in the feeling of his fingers intertwined with mine and enjoyed the comfortable silence, even when we pulled off on the side of the road to scarf down our burgers and fries and sip our sodas.

It wasn’t until we reached our destination – the Stafford family beach house – that he finally spoke.

“So,” he said quietly once we were inside, sitting cross legged and facing each other on the large black leather couch in the living area. Under different circumstances, I probably would have enjoyed the space and the view of the beach through the glass doors a lot more. Right now all I wanted to do was run into the ocean and disappear. “We should probably talk.”

I nodded, feeling my heartbeat becoming faster and faster with each passing second. “You said there was something you wanted to tell me.”

“There is,” he replied, though he paused, as though he wasn’t sure how to continue. I’m sure he’d spent the past couple hours mentally rehearsing exactly what he wanted to say, but in the moment, he couldn’t remember any of it.

And that seemed like a blessing. Because if he couldn’t say it, then maybe we could push this conversation to a later date.

“Max, it’s okay,” I assured him, reaching out to grab his hand, knowing that if Evan or the Director knew what I was doing, I’d be out of a job. “If you’re not ready, you’re not obligated to tell me anything.”

“I know,” he nodded, inhaling deeply, “but I want to.”

“Why?” It was a fair question, I thought. I knew I was Max’s girlfriend and that meant that I held some sort of power over the people in his father’s organization, but it didn’t mean that I deserved to know the details of said organization. Max was raised in a world of criminal activity, which meant that he was probably taught from a young age to be careful who he trusts. Although I knew that getting information out of him was my mission all along, it still made no sense that he would trust me, someone he’d known for only a few months, enough to reveal that kind of secret.

He placed his free hand on top of mine and spoke earnestly. “Because I care about you, Evie. And if we’re ever going to have a shot in hell of having a successful relationship, then we need to be honest with each other. So I want to tell you the truth.”

A successful relationship. God I was an awful human being. He was on the verge of revealing a deep, dark secret to me because he thought that we stood a chance at being together for some time to come, because he thought it would bring us closer together. Little did he know that it would be this revelation that tore us apart.

“And when you’re done, will things be the same?” I don’t know why I asked, when I already knew the answer.

He whispered his response, sounding almost scared. “I think that’s up to you.”

No, it wasn’t. Maybe in this moment, but in the long term, it was his choice. He would have to be the one who decided how our relationship played out. But I couldn’t find any more excuses to stall, so I nodded once and said, “Okay.”

“Okay,” he exhaled, pausing to collect his thoughts before he began. “So I guess I always knew that my family wasn’t normal. But when you’re young, you don’t really consider how your family gets wealthy, just that they actually are. It wasn’t until I was fourteen that I was let in on the secrets of the family business, that I was told a large part of what my family does is completely illegal.”

Since I was supposed to be surprised, I furrowed my eyebrows to look confused. “Um, you might need to elaborate a little more.”

“My father is the head of a crime syndicate that specializes in providing firearms to people who probably shouldn’t have them.”

And there it was. Plain as day. Said clearly and concisely and without very much emotion, considering the heaviness of the content.

I should have felt some sort of peace. Because if Max was willing to be that honest about the family business, it meant that if I asked the right questions, he’d probably give me specifics as well, to corroborate any information I’d already given to Evan.

But I wasn’t happy. My heart felt heavy and my stomach was in knots and the most I could get out was, “Oh.”

“Yeah.” He sighed, apparently not sure what else to say.

Knowing that he was probably trying to gauge my reaction, I kept my tone neutral and said, “So when he made you his number 2…”

His tightened a little on top of mine and I could tell it was taking all of his willpower not to roll his eyes or sound too angry. “He told all of his associates and everyone who works with our family that when he eventually decides to step down, I’ll be the next head of the syndicate.”

“Damn,” if I could whistle, I would have let out a low one, “No wonder you were so against it.”

“I know right,” he laughed softly, which was probably strange, given the circumstances, but I was grateful that the mood was lightened. Drawing his eyebrows inwards in concern, he kept his gaze direct and spoke softly. “This isn’t freaking you out?”

“A little,” I lied. I had to seem at least somewhat spooked, because no normal person would discover something like that about the guy they’re dating and not have some sort of feelings about it. But I also needed to do my job, which involved figuring out how much he knew about me and exactly what suspicions his father had. “So that guy who took me, who was he?”

“He works for my dad,” Max shrugged, tensing at the mention of Lowry. “They were under the impression that you’re a cop.”

“What? That’s ridiculous,” I sputtered, hoping I sounded convincing.

“I know,” he replied, and I relaxed with relief, grateful that thinking everything over hadn’t caused him to come to the conclusion that maybe his dad was on to something, “My parents have a habit of being paranoid, a trait they passed on to me, which is why I don’t really get close to people.”

That made sense. Besides the one flaw in that way of thinking. “Except me.”

It was tragic, really. Max had spent his entire life keeping people he hadn’t known since he was in diapers at a distance and then the one time he decides to let someone in, it’s the one person who has the means to destroy everything he’d ever known.

I hadn’t actually meant to point out that I was the exception to his usual rules, it just sort of slipped out. But his face lit at my words and his expression softened, the corners of his mouth lifted into the slightest smile as he leaned forward and spoke softly. “Except you. I’m falling in love with you, Evie.”

Shit. I knew that, too. Because why would he go through this much trouble if I was just someone he enjoyed hanging out with. It was always going to be deeper and more complicated than that. It had to be, if I was going to get the information I needed.

And I should have known that from the beginning. I should have been the one who kept my guard up, who didn’t get emotionally attached, who told herself every day that none of this was real, that everything we did and said was just part of the job, that way if it ever got to this point, I wouldn’t feel as shitty as I did right now.

Everything would have been so much easier if I hadn’t fallen in love with him.

I knew this was the part where I was supposed to say it back, but I couldn’t. If I told him I was falling for him too, it would be the truth and that would make our relationship real. And it would mean that when it all inevitably crashed and burned, I’d be left permanently scarred.

Luckily, he didn’t seem eager for me to respond, instead squeezing my hand gently and saying, “You don’t have to say anything, I just thought you should know.”

Leaning forward, I pressed a soft kiss to his lips, knowing we didn’t have very many kisses left, and sighed as I pulled away. “Well, now I know.”

“Now you know,” he grinned, only momentarily, before his face was flooded with concern once more. “Are we gonna be okay?”

“Yeah, we’re gonna be just fine,” I assured him, wondering if I should be concerned with how good I was getting at lying.

“Good,” he smiled widely, letting go of my hand so that he could shift positions, resting his back against the couch and swinging his arm over my shoulders to pull me into his side. “Because I’ve grown quite fond of you.”

I rested my head against his shoulder, enjoying the warmth of his embrace and doing my best to memorize the feeling of being in his arms. “Can I ask you a question?”

“Sure,” he replied, turning his neck to press a kiss to my forehead.

“This might sound really naïve, but have you ever thought about just saying no and walking away?” I knew Evan wasn’t a fan of this idea, but maybe Max had a different point of view.

He contemplated the idea for a moment before responding slowly. “I’d be lying if I said the thought never crossed my mind. But it’s easier said than done. There’s nowhere I’d be able to go where they wouldn’t find me. Besides, this is my family we’re talking about. For better or worse, they’re my family and they’re all I have.”

I hadn’t thought about it that way. I’d been so concerned with keeping Max safe in the midst of Daniel’s takedown that I hadn’t considered what all of this would do to the rest of his family.

“You have me.” I shouldn’t have said that, because it wouldn’t be true for much longer. But it was how I felt right now, in this moment, so I couldn’t help but blurt it out.

I could feel him smiling against the top of my head as he pulled me closer into his side, his fingers dragging lazily up and down my arm. “I know. Thank you.”

Breathing deeply, I relaxed against him, closing my eyes and allowing his warmth and comforting scent to surround me, wishing that I could freeze this moment in time, because come tomorrow, the world was going to be a very different place.