Hearts In Winter Collection

Chapter 9

Finally, the day for Erin"s conservatory audition arrived. Clutching her hall pass in one hand, her oboe case in the other, Erin left government class and exited the main building, crossing a small courtyard that separated it from the arts complex.

She pulled open one of the big double doors into the music hallway and passed the choir room— silent for the teacher"s planning period—the orchestra room where the freshman strings made unpleasant scratchy noises on their instruments, and the band hall where trumpets blared loud enough to rattle the ceiling tiles while tympani pounded in the background.

Well, they"re certainly enthusiastic. After the football team"s win last weekend, I"m not surprised.

Well, they"re certainly enthusiastic. After the football team"s win last weekend, I"m not surprised.At the back of the building, past the bathrooms, she entered the tiny, whitewashed box of a room, barely large enough to hold two plastic chairs and a music stand. A stranger sat inside. Erin regarded the delicate woman whose face had been shaped by years blowing into a double reed. She extended her hand, and the two shook.

“Erin James?” The woman asked, somehow sounding like both China and Texas.

“That"s right,” Erin replied.

“I’m Dr. Louise Chen. Take a seat, please,” the recruiter said. “Why don"t you put your instrument together while we talk?”

Erin seated herself in the chair and set the case on her lap, opening the clasps to reveal the parts of her beloved instrument, each nestled in its spot like pieces of a child"s puzzle. She grabbed a double reed and stuck it in the corner of her mouth to moisten it before taking hold of the bell and fitting the lower joint into it.

“We have four possible majors available for musicians,” Dr. Chen informed her. “Performance, pedagogy, theory/composition and independent studies. Do you have any idea which direction you"d be interested in?”

“Performance,” Erin replied around a mouthful of double reed, sticking the upper joint into the lower joint.

The recruiter smiled at her decisive answer. “Excellent. For performance majors, while you still have theory requirements—as well as music history, piano and conducting, of course—we also arrange for summer-long internships at various professional music venues.”

“How cool is that?” Erin said with a grin. “Sounds great.” For a moment, the image of Sean floated up before her eyes. Going to Texas would mean not seeing him the entire year. The summer internships would take away my last chance to visit. Firmly she pushed the thought away. Focus, Erin.

Going to Texas would mean not seeing him the entire year. The summer internships would take away my last chance to visit.Focus, Erin.“And starting their senior year, we assist all our soon-to-be graduates to find positions with the smaller, rural symphony orchestras. With a few private lessons, it"s enough to live on while you gain experience. Most of our performance majors are playing in major symphonies worldwide within ten years.”

Erin"s eyes widened. “That"s quite a track record. No wonder admissions are so exclusive.”

Dr. Chen nodded. “Moving to Texas and working on your art for four years straight is demanding, and our professors expect the best. Some students don"t make it through the whole course of study and end up either switching to a pedagogy major or going home. We try to minimize that by carefully screening our applicants.”

“Good idea,” Erin said. “I like what I"m hearing.”

“And we also have senior performance majors who act as mentors to the freshmen, which seems to help retention rates. If you are selected, you"ll be paired with an upperclassman. When you become a senior, you"ll be paired with a freshman of your own. We also use the cohort system. Our woodwind majors take all their courses together so they can support each other.”

Wow, Erin thought, they don"t fool around. Sounds intense.

Wow,they don"t fool around. Sounds intense.All right, Erin,” Dr. Chen said, “do you have a piece prepared?”

“I do,” Erin replied.

“You may begin when you"re ready.”

So much was happening in Erin"s life that she didn"t have any extra energy to devote to feeling scared, so her hands remained steady as she removed the reed from her mouth and fitted into the opening on the top of her instrument. I"ll just do my best. Whether I get in or not, either way is an answer.

I"ll just do my best. Whether I get in or not, either way is an answer.She experienced the faintest flutter as she raised the oboe to her lips, but as the first notes of her piece washed over her, she ceased to exist. All was notes, tempo, crescendo and diminuendo and emotion until conscious thought became not only unnecessary but impossible. Every choice—done without reflection— was the only one possible for that moment. The terrible grief she felt for her friend"s continued suffering wound itself into her playing. The oboe raged and wept.

As the final notes faded away, Erin returned to awareness and glanced at the recruiter. Dr. Chen sat in silence for what seemed like a long time. Erin didn"t mind. She had to reassemble her composure.

Finally, Dr. Chen said, “That was very good.” She swallowed hard, drew a deep breath, and continued. “It will take some time for us to process the applications, but we will contact you one way or the other around Christmas. Thank you.”

Erin nodded, shook hands with the woman again, and left the room. I did my best, and it was good. The rest is out of my hands.

I did my best, and itgood. The rest is out of my hands.A couple of weeks later, Erin crept into her least favorite classroom and took her seat in the corner closest to the teacher"s desk, trying to become invisible. God, this is embarrassing every single day. Why didn"t I take health years ago? Here I am, a senior, stuck with the giggling freshmen.

God, this is embarrassing every single day. Why didn"t I take health years ago? Here I am, a senior, stuck with the giggling freshmen.Whispers emanated from the back of the room.

“Did you go to J.D."s party?” one immature female voice asked.

“You saw me there, dumbass. We talked,” another hissed back.

“I did? I don"t remember. I was drunk off my ass,” the first girl giggled.

“You sure were. Completely s**t-faced and hanging off some college guy. Did you score?”

“I don"t remember.”

Erin rolled her eyes. Was I ever that young? She supposed she must have been, but even at fifteen, she had been more interested in band than beer.

Was I ever that young“Listen, kids,” Mrs. Heath told them earnestly, cutting off the whispers with a narrow-eyed glare, “it"s not necessary for you to have s*x in high school. I have never heard of anyone who regretted waiting. Your mental and physical health will be much better overall if you do.” She paused for breath.

Erin fought the urge to roll her eyes.

“Remember, I"m not encouraging any of you to go this route. However, I am aware some of you will ignore my advice. If you feel you must be intimate with someone, please be monogamous, and please use protection. Free condoms are available in the nurse"s office, and can they also be purchased cheaply from any convenience or grocery store. Aside from the risk of getting pregnant, there are several sexually transmitted diseases circulating—yes, even in this school. Some are permanent and others are deadly. Protect yourselves with abstinence if you can, but please protect yourselves somehow.”

Erin could have recited this speech by heart. She had heard it at assemblies for years. Even Mom has been giving me the condom talk lately. I guess even someone that obtuse must have noticed I"m not talking to Danny half the evening. Or maybe it"s the late nights. She had never had a curfew, but she used to bring herself home much earlier on weekends. Erin smirked, remembering her own previous weekend. No beer, but she had certainly scored.

Even Mom has been giving me the condom talk lately. I guess even someone that obtuse must have noticed I"m not talking to Danny half the evening. Or maybe it"s the late nights.Well, Sean and I are monogamous, so at least we"ve got that covered. It occurred to her, however, that their actual condom use had been rather hit or miss. At Sean"s apartment, where the little box resided, they used them most of the time. But at Erin"s house, often they didn"t. Overwhelmed with passion, they didn"t take time to consider the consequences.

Well, Sean and I are monogamous, so at least we"ve got that covered.Suddenly, the mention of pregnancy struck Erin. It never occurred to me before, but we have done it unprotected at least a half-dozen times. For the first time, she thought about what that might mean for her. We"ve been quite careless, really, in the… oh Lord, in the five weeks since we got together. Five? Shouldn"t her period have come… three weeks ago? Yes, three weeks. This is not good.

It never occurred to me before, but we have done it unprotected at least a half-dozen times.We"ve been quite careless, really, in the… oh Lord, in the five weeks since we got togetherYes, three weeksThis is not good.Only by slowly pulling air into her lungs and just as slowly releasing it was Erin able to get through class. The second the bell rang, she bolted out the door and hustled down the hall. Collecting Sheridan, she all but ran her to the counselor"s office, where she sank into one of the stained and threadbare chairs at the huge conference table. They spent time in there so frequently, no one noticed.

“What"s wrong, Erin?” Sheridan asked, startled by her friend"s urgency.

“Oh God, Danny, are you feeling all right today? I have a problem,” Erin babbled in a nearly incoherent gush.

Sheridan"s eyebrows drew down with concern. “Yes, I"m feeling fine. I think I might be a little better. What"s your problem?”

“Are you sure?” Erin pressed. “I don"t want to add to what you"re dealing with.”

“You know, it"s kind of tiresome how everyone treats me like I"m about to break,” Sheridan replied in gentle exasperation. “Please, Erin, spill it. I"m looking forward to thinking about problems other than my own for a change.”

Erin attempted to answer but choked. Her voice fought her attempt to use it, and she forced the words out quickly. “I think I might be pregnant.”

Sheridan gave her a puzzled look. “Erin, you have to have s*x to get pregnant.”

“I know,” she wailed.

Sheridan"s mouth dropped open. “What? When? Who?”

The truth, a long-standing habit between the girls, nearly fell out of Erin unbidden. Don"t say it, she reminded herself. She’ll freak. Erin clamped her mouth shut so hard her teeth clicked together. “I can"t tell you. Oh God, I"m scared.”

Don"t say it,“Erin, you have to tell me,” Sheridan insisted.

Erin shook her head violently. “You"ll be mad. I can"t. What do I do?”

“First, you breathe and calm down.” Sheridan wrapped her arms around Erin, soothing her with a hug. “Panicking won"t help. Okay, do you have rehearsal today?”

Erin forced her racing brain to focus on the simple question. “No.” She rested her forehead on Sheridan"s shoulder.

“Good. Try to get through the rest of the day. After school, we"ll go to the store and get you a test. Then at least you"ll know. You"ve been late before,” she reminded her.

“Yes, but that was different,” Erin mumbled against her friend"s shoulder. “There was nothing to worry about then. Besides, I"ve never been three weeks late.”

“Okay, hang in there. Try to stay calm. We"ll take care of this today.” Sheridan squeezed her tight.

Nerves set Erin"s slender frame shaking by the time they arrived at her house. “Mom?” she called as she opened the door.

Silence.

Good, Sheridan thought. The last thing Erin needs to deal with is her mother, which is such a shame. I know if it was me, I"d be leaning on my mom for support. She"d be disappointed, but I know she"d be there for me anyway. She couldn"t imagine what flaky Valerie James would do under these circumstances. Something lame and pointless, no doubt.

Good,The last thing Erin needs to deal with is her mother, which is such a shame. I know if it was me, I"d be leaning on my mom for support. She"d be disappointed, but I know she"d be there for me anyway.Something lame and pointless, no doubt.Sheridan led her friend to the hallway bathroom and handed her the two-pack of tests they’d found on sale. “Do you know what to do?” she asked from the doorway.

“Kinda,” Erin replied.

Sheridan frowned. “Close the door.”

As Erin complied, she removed the instructions from the box and scanned them. “Okay, slow five count.”

A few seconds later she heard the toilet flush, and then the water running. Erin opened the door. Her normally pale face had taken on a ghostly hue, and her panic-stricken eyes had gone so wide, she resembled an owl.

Sheridan stepped in and put her arm around Erin"s shoulders. They watched grimly as the little window slowly developed a dark blue line.

Erin closed her eyes as Sheridan hugged her. Her body shook so hard she could scarcely stand.

“Let"s get rid of this,” Sheridan said at last. “Staring at it longer won"t change anything.” She wrapped up the test in the toilet paper and tossed it in the trash. Then she led Erin out of the room, down the hall and urged her to a seat on her bed.

Erin sank limply onto the mattress, lying on her side, her face in her hands, breathing slowly. Sheridan rubbed her back in soothing circles.

“I didn"t realize you were seeing anyone,” Sheridan said, her voice coolly neutral. “It"s not David Landry, is it?” I sure hope not, because he"s a nasty manwhore. Still, Erin is so… so traumatized. She might be susceptible to any attention.

I sure hope not, because he"s a nasty manwhore. Still, Erin is so… so traumatized. She might be susceptible to any attention.Erin made a strange sound that might have been a gag and peeked at Sheridan between her fingers. “No.”

Thank God. “Well then, I can"t imagine what you have been up to, girl. If it"s that clear, this can"t have been too recent.”

Thank God.“Five weeks,” Erin said flatly.

The thought produced a swoop of discomfort in Sheridan"s belly, and she frowned as she asked, “Around the time of… homecoming?”

“Yes. It could have been that night.” Erin pressed her hand over her mouth, head shaking from side to side as though to unsay words that revealed far too much.

“That night?” Sheridan furrowed her forehead, confused. “I don"t understand. You went with Sean. And you were with me…later. I don"t see how you could have been… busy in between. Did you ditch Sean? Go with someone else? No, that doesn"t make sense. You were with him at the hospital… OH! MY! GOD!”

The suspicious wetness in the corners of Erin"s eyes spilled over and her inhalation turned to a shaky sob.

“Erin, this might sound stupid, but… are you sleeping with my brother?”

Erin didn"t answer.

Sheridan picked up Erin’s cell phone, flipped it open and dialed Sean"s number. I"m getting to the bottom of this right now. “Big brother, I"m at Erin"s house. You’d better get over here right now. She needs you.” Let"s see what you have to say to that, mister.

I"m getting to the bottom of this right now.Let"s see what you have to say to that, mister.“Is she all right?” His voice sounded far more concerned than it should have when discussing his sister"s friend, someone he casually cared for but was not particularly involved with.

Busted, buddy. Oh, you"re in for it, Sean Murphy. “No, she"s not. Come now.”

Busted, buddy. Oh, you"re in for it, Sean Murphy.She hung up and lay down beside her friend, wrapping her arms around her.

Erin"s fragile grip on partial control exploded in a flood of guilt. “I"m so sorry, Danny,” she sobbed. “I swear, if I had known, I wouldn"t have let you go with him. I can"t stand it. I should have stayed with you. I knew he was no good. It"s my fault.”

“Where did that come from? Don"t be stupid, Erin. It"s his fault, not yours. Don"t waste another moment feeling guilty about it.”

Erin whimpered. “I can"t help it. I was doing… that, having a wonderful time and all the while…”

that“Enough already. You didn"t know,” she interrupted. “You’d no more hurt me than I’d hurt you, and we both know that. Jake is responsible. Only him, so let it go. I can"t believe you slept with Sean, though. I knew you two belonged together, but I didn"t think you would move so fast. What about preserving your virginity for your wedding night?”

Erin choked, took several deep breaths and managed to speak brokenly. “That was your deal, not mine. It wasn"t a priority for me, not with Sean. I never did it before because I didn"t care about anyone else, but I love him. Why do you say we belong together?”

“Just a feeling I have,” Sheridan explained. “I know you love him; you have for a while. That"s why I set you two up; I thought you would be good for each other. I didn"t think he would be…like that though. Did he hurt you?”

Erin"s lips turned upward, but her dark eyes remained sad. “No, Danny. It"s lovely when you"re with the right person and you want it so much. I hope someday you know that.”

“That day is not close.” Sheridan broke eye contact. Even the thought of s*x terrifies me. I can"t imagine choosing it on purpose.

Even the thought of s*x terrifies me. I can"t imagine choosing it on purpose.“Of course not.” Erin returned her friend"s hug, giving and taking comfort from the same embrace. They lapsed into silence, Erin"s eyes sliding closed. Her breathing deepened. She seemed to be falling asleep.

Sheridan stepped out of the room with Erin’s cell phone to call her parents and let them know where she was.

About half an hour later, Sean arrived. Using the key Erin had given him, he let himself in rather than knocking and headed straight to her bedroom. Sheridan sat beside the bed on the desk chair, keeping watch over her friend. He scarcely spared her a glance.

Erin lay on her bed asleep, her pretty face streaked with tears, her hair disheveled. My beautiful baby. The woman I never dreamed would come to mean so much to me. I wonder what’s wrong. He looked down with such a powerful expression on his face that he would have completely given himself away to his sister even if she hadn"t known already.

My beautiful baby. The woman I never dreamed would come to mean so much to me.I wonder what’s wrong. Sheridan left the bedside and beckoned him out of the room, softly shutting the door.

“What"s wrong with her?” he asked. She looked so… destroyed. It must be huge.

She looked so… destroyed. It must be huge“She"s pregnant, Sean. You made my best friend pregnant.”

It took several seconds for the words to sink in. “Oh s**t, really?”

“Yes, really. Why were you sleeping with her?” Sheridan asked harshly, her eyes filled with accusations against which there was no argument. “There are tons of women out there. Why Erin?”

“Hey, you were the one who set us up.” His defensive answer could not conceal the guilt that welled up in him.

“Yes, but not so that you could seduce her,” Sheridan protested. “She was a virgin.”

“I know.” He closed his eyes. It had made so much sense at the time. Now he felt like a bastard. “It"s not like I was just trying to score or anything. You know me better than that.”

. Her pursed lips called his assertion into serious doubt. “But, Sean, don"t you realize how susceptible girls are when their parents don"t love them enough? They"re getting divorced too. She"s so vulnerable. She would have done whatever you wanted. Did you have to go all the way?”

“I didn"t take advantage, Danny,” he vowed. “I tried to stop. She begged me.”

Sheridan made a disbelieving face.

“I"m serious. She wanted it so bad, and she"s so pretty and sweet. There"s only so much a man can take. Besides, everyone gives it up sooner or later. The lucky ones get to do it with someone who cares about them.”

Sheridan flinched.

“Oh God, Danny. I"m sorry. I didn"t think.” He hugged his sister in apology. “Anyway, that doesn"t count. Someday, you"ll meet someone wonderful who will love you, and it will be just as good for you as it is for us.”

She eyed him, growing more unhappy with every word.

You"re making excuses, his conscience snarled. He felt foolish, as though he were a naughty child caught with a cookie in each hand and chocolate smeared over his face. How stupid. No wonder you’re putting your foot in your mouth. Besides, it wasn"t like that, and I need to stop being defensive and tell the truth. “She"s not alone. I know how special she is. I want to keep her forever.” He took a deep breath. “I love her.”

You"re making excuses, How stupid. No wonder you’re putting your foot in your mouth.Besidesit wasn"t like that, and I need to stop being defensive and tell the truth“Does she know that?” Sheridan demanded, still eyeing him suspiciously.

“I"m working on it. She wasn"t ready to hear it yet.” And that"s the only reason I haven"t said anything. I don"t want to make my declaration knowing she"ll argue with me and reject my words. It"s not because she doesn"t want them, but because she has no confidence in herself.

And that"s the only reason I haven"t said anything. I don"t want to make my declaration knowing she"ll argue with me and reject my words. It"s not because she doesn"t want them, but because she has no confidence in herself.“Well, you need to work faster, Sean,” Sheridan insisted, not giving an inch. “She"s really going to need you now.”

“I"m not going anywhere,” he insisted.

“Good. You had better go and tell her that.”

He nodded and returned to the bedroom. Kneeling beside the bed, he stroked Erin"s cheek until she opened her eyes. She smiled sadly, her eyes wistful.

He kissed her forehead. “I"m sorry.” His regret bled into his soft tone.

“Me too.” She sat up slowly as though her body ached.

“I"m here no matter what,” he assured her.

“I know.” But the flatness of her voice held no assurance.

He drew her into his arms. She laid her cheek on his shoulder, shoulders shaking. “I love you, Erin,” he breathed into her ear.

Her head shot up and she stared at him with wide, haunted eyes. “What? Why?”

Such disbelief. It stung him, just as he had known it would. He trailed one thumb along her cheek. “Because you"re Erin. That"s reason enough.”

Such disbeliefAs the seconds passed, he felt the tension drain out of her until she lay limp in his arms. He stroked her back.

“What are we going to do?” she whispered, and the fear in her voice made his heart clench.

“I don"t know, baby, but we"ll work it out together.” He kissed her cheek tenderly, wanting to show her the love she didn"t know how to believe in.