Losing You

sin

Valeria

I open my eyes and feel the room spinning, so I shut them tight.

F*ck my life. Why do I keep doing this to myself?

I get the sudden urge to puke, so I quickly get up and rush to the restroom. I release everything until my body feels like there is nothing left.

I do not feel any better. I feel disgusting and disgusted with myself. I am too damn old for hangovers. My head is thumping, my body feels weak. I feel my whole body shaking. I grab an extra blanket and throw it over myself. I close my eyes. Maybe if I take a little nap, I will wake up feeling better. I need to stop feeling sorry for myself and get it together. I can't continue this way.

"Mom, are you okay?" My daughter calls out. She walks in and is already dressed for the day. She looks around the room, then her eyes land on me. "No, I feel like death is trying to take me," I say. She laughs, but I see the concern in her eyes. "Oh, so you are hungover. That's what happens when you drink too much and mix different alcohols," I groan and throw a pillow at her. She tries to avoid it, but it hits her leg. "So, I guess I'm working alone again today," It's not a question. I hear the disappointment in her voice and it k1lls me inside. I should be the one stepping up since her father stepped out. Instead, it seems like it's her picking up all the broken pieces. She keeps us going.

"Oh, stop talking about work," I try to say jokingly, but honestly, I can't focus on anything right now, except trying to stay alive. "Stop being dramatic. Plus, shouldn't our roles be reversed? Me the drunk one, getting scolded by you for getting this drunk and not making it into to work?" She can smile and act like she is joking, but it doesn't reach her eyes. I know she means every word. That hurts even more, knowing what my daughter really thinks of me. I am an alcoholic, careless and irresponsible in her eyes.

"I made you some greasy breakfast and a green juice that should help with the hangover. It's in the kitchen," her phone pings, and she pulls it out of her back pocket to check it. I watch as she unlocks her phone and smiles brightly at the screen. She giggles and begins texting back. "Who is that?" I ask. "Oh, um, just a customer wanting to know at what time I will be arriving," I know she is lying. A smile that bright, accompanied by giggling can't be due to a customer, but I will let her think I believed her. I will just keep an eye on her. After Noah, I never want to see my daughter hurt again. I hate that she doesn't trust me to tell me these things, but I chop it up to girls wanting to keep their little secrets. I mean, I wouldn't tell my mom everything about myself. I always kept my secrets too.

"Well, I have to go. I just wanted to make sure you were good," she says. "I will be fine," I say. "I hope so, mom, you are the only parent I have left. You are all I have. Please take care of yourself," she tells me before she walks out and slams my door shut.

Those words rock my world more than anything else ever could.

Delilah

I walk to the living room to get my purse so I can leave, when my phone pings again. I went to sleep to the sweetest good night text and woke up to a good morning text that has me floating on air. Bryant and I have been texting since I woke up. "I have to get to work. I will try to text you whenever I can, but it's a busy day, so sorry in advance if I can't respond quickly," I send the text and head out.

I arrive at the clubhouse, and hop out. "Good morning," I am surprised to find Bryant here, instead of my grandfather and the prospect. "Good morning beautiful. Thanks for gracing me with your presence this early in the morning. My whole day is now made," I am not sure if I should be concerned. Some might call this love bombing, weird, or doing too much too quickly, but honestly, I love all the attention he is giving me. Does this mean I have daddy issues if a little attention from a man makes me happy? No, I think it's more so who the attention is coming from.

Attention from other men doesn't make my heart race and my cheeks burn. Attention from other men annoys me. It makes me view them as creeps.

I smile widely. "You really have a way with words," I say. "Only with you. I don't talk to anyone else this way. There's just something about you. Something special," I have no clue what he is talking about. I am just a normal girl. "Thanks, well, I wish I could stand here and talk to you, but I have to get going. Have you seen the prospect accompanying me today?" He nods. "Well, where is he?" I look around and see no-one.

He grins. "I gave him the day off," he tells me. "Excuse me?" I look at him confused. "I gave him the day off," he repeats. "Does my grandfather know you did this?" he shrugs. "I told your grandfather not to worry about you, that I would be here early and help you get your job done. No prospect needed. He agreed and put the prospect to work on something else. Since I am new here, I haven't gotten any assignments yet. I am free until further notice, so I will be with you all day long," my stomach flips at his words. All day long. "You really don't have to. I'm sure you have better things to do," he shakes his head. "Didn't you just hear what I said? I am free until further notice, and no, I have nothing better to do. There is nothing better than being around you. To me, you are like the sunshine coming out after a stormy day," he says. How am I going to get my work done around him? The things he says, the words he uses, are slowly breaking down all the walls I have built around me. I just met this man, and he has me believing things I never thought possible.

"Alright, so do I follow you, or do you just want to hop in the trailer and I drive us to the first location?" he asks. I really should drive myself there. That's what I normally do when a prospect is with me. Plus, a little distance would be good, so I can think, but I find myself doing the opposite. "We can both go in the trailer. It will be faster that way," I find myself saying. He smirks. He knows I am full of it. Oh well, yes, I want to be close to him. Is that a sin?