Will You Be Sorry When I'm Gone?

Chapter 17

Before

Present

“There’s been a development in the case of missing Almeda woman Amelia Davenport.”

No one turned the TV off anymore.

“As it turns out, the car that was found at the bottom of the embankment near the Almeda exit was registered to Matthew Davenport, president and CEO of Davenport Industries and husband of the missing Mrs. Davenport. The registration matches the indigo Miata the missing woman was reported to have been driving on the night she is believed to have disappeared.”

“There was no body found with or near the car,” the police officer who had brought the news to my family said on camera from our driveway.

Officer Shelton had become a fixture around the house. The kids and Matthew called him Aaron. He called the kids, Matthew, my in-laws and my siblings, and of course Emily, by their first names.

“We are asking the public to please keep their eyes and ears open. Mrs. Davenport, Amelia, could be injured, confused, and lost. We are asking everyone in the area to please check their sheds, pool houses, garages, any place on their property that Amelia may have sought shelter. She may be frightened and she is most likely grievously injured and will require immediate medical attention.”

The camera panned across our property, showing our home and driveway.

“Amelia Davenport’s car was found at the bottom of the embankment near the Almeda exit, and it is unclear if the car was the cause of last week’s bush fire, or destroyed by the fire itself. A purse was found in the car and what was able to be salvaged was indeed ID belonging to the missing woman.”

“She has no money on her, no credit cards, no identification. She may have her phone with her, as that was not found with the car or the purse, however her family states it has been going to voicemail since Founder’s Day and very likely may not have any battery left, or may have been damaged in the crash. It is thought that Mrs. Davenport’s car was somehow pushed off the road and through the barrier where it rolled down the embankment before coming to rest against a tree. From the state of the car, the damage it sustained and the grade of the embankment it is highly likely that Mrs. Davenport has some severe injuries. We need to find her and get her to medical treatment.”

“Shopkeepers in the area are also being asked to be vigilant and report any suspicious activity in or around their stores in case Mrs. Davenport seeks aid, food, or shelter. They are being asked to check their garbage sheds, dumpster bins and alleyways.

“Volunteers and police have been canvassing the neighborhoods and searching the area where Mrs. Davenport’s car was found. So far there has been no sighting of the missing woman.”

Alex got up and went outside, dropping into a lounge chair by the pool. Seline, who continued to show up, went outside to him.

“Alex?” She said quietly, while sitting down beside him. “What’s up, sweetheart?”

“Don’t call me that,” Alex said tersely. “My mom calls me that. You don’t.”

“Alex,” Seline said.

“No! Don’t you understand? It’s because of you she’s missing!” Alex snarled.

“Alex, I had nothing to do with whatever has happened to your mom.”

“For years you treated her like s**t. You pretended to forget her name, you belittled her. You flaunted your relationship with Dad. You made her feel like she didn’t have any worth!”

“Alex, you don’t understand my relationship with your dad,” Seline said.

Oh, Seline. I think he does.

“Your dad and I, we grew up together. We went to school together. Our parents often joked that they’d get us to marry each other and blend our families. I grew up with that as the plan. We dated in high school because it was expected. I love your father. But I knew he loved, loves, your mother more.”

Wait, what?

“Then what was all that s**t you pulled? The bra in the apartment? Showing up everywhere? Never remembering her name? Or pretending? Showing up in Paris? Klosters? Colorado? New York? And Mom put up with you. You ruined their marriage! You made Mom feel like she didn’t matter!” Alex cried.

“You and your sister and your father aren’t innocent either, Alexander Davenport! I saw how you all pulled away from Amelia. You all left her behind when you went on ski trips. You complained about her to Daryl and your friends,” Seline said.

She hadn’t been invited on those trips? She’d simply inserted herself into my family’s activities? She hadn’t gone to Paris with Matthew? She’d just taken it upon herself to go?

“I didn’t say we were innocent. We f****d up, too. We ignored her. But that’s on us. And even still, even though we didn’t treat her as well as she deserved, she still loved us. Loves us. She always made sure to keep us informed about what she was up to. I never thought I’d miss those paragraphs of texts but I’d give anything right now to read some drivel about art class or the Angels’ record.”

Alex broke down sobbing. Seline, in an act of sympathy I didn’t think possible of her, moved over beside him and wrapped him in her arms, letting him sob on her.

“No!” Alex shouted, jumping up. “You don’t get to play at being the emotional support for us now! You contributed to Mom’s misery! You made things worse last year at New Year’s and this year after Daryl’s graduation!”

Seline had invited us to Daryl’s graduation party, where she had drawn Matthew and my kids into a sphere where she acted like she was also my kids’ mother. She had fawned all over them, had touted their achievements with pride as though she were the one who had spent hours trying to explain legal concepts, math equations, biology assignments and edited English papers. As though she had worried nights over exam results and waiting for acceptance letters from universities.

As had become the norm, I was shuffled off to the side. No one spoke to me except a couple of women who asked me my name and then looked confused when I mentioned I was Matthew’s wife.

“What’s going on out here?” Matthew said, coming outside and looking between Seline and Alex.

“Alex got upset and came out here, so I came to make sure he was okay.”

“Seline, why are you even here? You’ve never liked Amelia. Are you disaster touring or something? Don’t you have a child of your own to tend to?” Matthew asked.

“Daryl’s with his dad,” Seline said. “And I wanted to be here for you, Matty.”

“This isn’t a picnic, Seline. This isn’t a ski trip you can just invite yourself to. Do you understand what is happening here? Do you understand that Amelia is missing, Seline? It’s been two weeks and we have no clue where she is. What are you hanging around for?”

“Matty,” she said.

“Stop calling me that! We aren’t 16 anymore. We aren’t dating. I’m married, Seline. I’m married to Amelia. I’m sorry your marriage blew up and you’re alone, but I married Amelia because I loved - I love - her. I’m sorry if you can’t accept that but it isn’t going to change,” Matthew said.

“You could barely stand her, Matty, Matthew. You complained about her all the time!” Seline said.

“I vented some frustrations. That doesn’t mean I stopped loving her,” Matthew said.

“You have a funny way of showing it,” Seline crossed her arms. “You pushed her aside at every opportunity. You went away with the kids without her. You ignored her at every turn. If that’s love, I think I dodged a bullet.”

Remember when I was gobsmacked earlier? Yep. Same now. Seline was standing up for me? Sort of.

“I know,” Matthew said, looking at his feet. “I took her for granted. She was always there so I guess I just assumed she would always be there. She took - takes - care of the house and the kids and she never complained about it. I made her stop working when the kids were born and I never encouraged her to go back to work. In fact, last year when the kids went away to school I actively discouraged her from going back. I did that. I made her feel undervalued. I left her to fill her days with whatever she did to fill her days. I didn’t encourage her to do anything and I stopped listening when she would tell me what she did. But that’s on me.”

Where was all this honesty when I was alive, Matthew? Why, if you knew how you were treating me, how I was probably feeling, how lost and alone you were making me feel, how you pulled the kids away from me, the older they got, did you let it happen?

Why did you let me think you were having an affair? Why did you let me think you had invited Seline to Paris? Did I matter so little to you by that point that you didn’t think that I was affected in any way? Did you take my silence for acceptance?

“Dad, we were really mean to Mom. Why? How come we stopped taking her with us? She wouldn’t have been bored while we were skiing. She always had a book, the resorts had all sorts of things she could have done. She could have learned to ski,” Alex said.

“I thought skiing was kind of our thing. You, me and Anna. It was our trip to connect,” Matthew said.

“Yeah, but we didn’t do anything like that with Mom. Any time she tried to get us to go away with her we always found excuses not to,” Alex said, tears coming to his eyes. “Dad, I really miss her. And I’m scared something happened to her. Something really bad.”

Matthew went over to Alex and pulled him into a hug. Alex cried into his father’s chest. My heart broke. My poor son. I wanted to wrap him in my arms and tell him he was going to be okay. He’d learn to navigate his world without me. Hopefully, he’d remember the lessons I tried to teach them, even as Matthew undermined my discipline at every turn.

Anna came outside.

“Dad? Alex?” She said, approaching them. “Are you guys okay?”

“No,” Alex said from Matthew’s chest. “I miss Mom and I’m scared.”

“Me too,” Anna said, wrapping her arms around her father and brother.

“I’m going to go,” Seline said. “I’m sorry about everything. I’m sorry I interfered and I’m sorry I treated Amelia so poorly. I really do hope that she is okay. Please, please let me know when you hear anything. I may not have treated her well, but I do care.”

“Thanks, Seline,” Matthew said. “We’ll let you know when we hear anything.”

“Would it be alright with you if I joined the volunteer teams on the searches?” Seline asked. “I don’t want to step on toes but I do want to help somehow.”

“Do what you want to do,” Matthew said. “Just stop inserting yourself into this. Stop pretending you are part of this family. You aren’t.”

“Yes, I get that, Matthew. You’ve made that loud and clear,” Seline said. She left, and I watched as she did.

I wasn’t sure what to feel. Seline had laid it all out. Her true feelings and the reason for how she acted. She didn’t hate me because she thought I was beneath her. She hated me because she had loved Matthew, and Matthew hadn’t loved her back. She probably would have hated anyone Matthew married. It wasn’t me specifically.

And to hear my husband and my children worry, to see them cry, to hear them realize how they had treated me, how they had left me behind, pulled themselves away from me as they got older, and the fact that they realize it now, even though it’s too late for them to make amends, well, at least I’m hearing it now. At least I’m here to hear it. But, I’m beginning to wonder how long I’ll be here to keep an eye on them, to hear their worry, and their love coming after so many years of feeling like I was just a piece of the furniture; that I held no more significance than the nanny or Mrs. Watkins.

Oh, Mrs. Watkins.

I’ve watched her as she watches my family worry, and cry, and as she tries my phone over and over, hoping maybe she would be the one to get through. I’ve watched as she kneels by her bed, her rosary in hand, praying for me. Praying for my safe return, or praying for my soul in case the worst had happened.

I’d known she was Catholic since we hired her. I always made sure she got Sunday off to attend mass at the Catholic Church she frequented. I made sure she was able to attend mass when she wanted to - for the holidays and observances that were important to her. I even went to Christmas Mass with her a couple of times when Matthew and the kids had taken off over the winter break, always leaving me behind. I wasn’t religious. I wasn’t raised Catholic anyway, but I respected Mrs. Watkins’ faith and when she invited me to join her on Christmas that first year I was left behind, I joined. I knew the carols they sang and the candles that lit the church. I felt welcome and warm. I went with Mrs. Watkins a few times over the years.

I wrapped my arms around my family anyway. All three of them shivered.

“Did you feel that, too?” Matthew asked the kids. “That sudden chill!”

“Yeah,” Alex said. “That was weird.”