In His Eyes

Chapter 13

Yes. I never knew a word like that could send daggers to my heart. Yes. His answer kept repeating inside my head. I never knew a three-letter word that many are waiting for can hurt this much.

I heaved out a loud sigh and rolled over my bed. It's been a week since that confrontation happened and I still can't get it off my head. I walked to my bathroom and looked at the mess in front of the mirror.

Wow, I'm a walking travesty.

I sighed at the sight and decided to get my act together. He's just a guy among millions. Why should I feel heartbroken because of him? I looked at the black-haired guy in front of me, with bags in his eyes and looking pale than ever. I brushed my teeth and my hair and decided to not look at the mirror anymore.

The sight is very depressing.

I grabbed my phone from my bedside table and sent a message to Philip to go to my house. He quickly accepted the invitation. I changed into black pullovers and pink shorts. I grabbed my glasses from the table, not wanting to wear my contacts, and went downstairs to tell my parents that Philip is visiting.

We still have a week left before classes resume that's why I'm at my parents' house and not at my dormitory, where I usually am.

"Sure honey, I'll send you food to your room later," my mom said, smiling at me. I returned the smile and went back to my room.

It's been a week since that confrontation with Max and I still can't remove his face from my memories. No matter how hard I try I to forget but I'm still disappointed in him. Not even an explanation, which is what I'm waiting for these days.

I sat on the edge of my bed and let myself collapse. I closed my eyes but all I see is his image when he told me his answer. Yes. How can the world be this cruel?

I heard my phone beep and I grabbed it to see if Philip sent me a message. It was a message from Max.

Max: Let's meet before the class resume?

I sighed and I don't know what to do. I don't know what to answer so I left it on read. I focused my interest on the ceiling, wondering when this game will end. I just want this to be over with.

I heard a knock from the door as I decided to sit down. "It's open."

The door opened to reveal Philip, wearing a yellow shirt and black shorts. His hair not styled like it usually does. I looked at him and gave a smile.

"So, what's this about?" he said, sitting down on the bed beside me. I looked at him and I felt tears about to flow so I brushed off the thought of crying. "You can cry to me you know."

"It's about Max," I said. He nodded, wanting me to continue. I sighed and lied my back on the bed, looking at the ceiling. "I asked him if we're just friends."

"I'm guessing you got the answer that you didn't expect," he said, looking at me with all seriousness.

I closed my eyes as a tear fell down my eye. I immediately wiped it off. I looked at him and he's looking at me with pity in his eyes.

"Yeah," I answered. "He just said 'yes'."

"Just that?" he asked, looking confused. What's there to be confused about? It just means all he sees in us is just friendship. I nodded at his question and he heaved out a sigh.

I closed my eyes and that's when I couldn't hold it anymore. I sat down and rest my head on Philip's shoulder and cried. I felt him pat my head and said some soothing words that I can't comprehend anymore. Even these feelings I have, I can't comprehend it anymore.

"There must be a reason why he said that," he suddenly said. I looked at him in a questioning manner.

"Why?" I asked. In all reality, that's the question I want him to answer. The why to his yes.

"I don't know what it is," he started saying while patting my head. "But I see the way he looks at you."

If the way he looks at me is different from others then why is he making me feel this way?

"He looks at you as if you're the only person in the room, he looks at you the way my parents look at each other," he looked at me before continuing. "He looks at you with so much affection."

"Phil, I don't know what to do," I said truthfully, letting the tears fall even harder.

"You can either ask him why or move on" he said, emphasizing the last part.

I removed my head from his shoulder and lied down on the bed, my face on a pillow. I really have no idea what to do.

"I think I'll do nothing and just move on," I answered. "If all he sees in me is a friend, then I'll just have to deal with that."

"Hmm, okay," he said, standing up. "Now stand your weeping ass up, we're going to a café, I want iced coffee."

I laughed at how he quickly turned back into the sassy best friend I have and stood up. On the way to the café, we talked about requirements we haven't finished yet during this Christmas break. I stopped in my tracks when I saw the persons inside the café.

"We can have coffee in a different place," Philip said, holding my shoulder. My eyes still looking at the two persons talking. It was Dani and Max. I froze the moment I saw at how pale looking Max is. He lost a few weights just as I do, and at that moment I want to hug him. I resisted the thought and looked at my best friend.

"No let's just get take out," I said. This is the first step in moving on, not letting the existence of someone bother you.

We ordered our drinks and when we were about to leave, our eyes met. Everything froze in an instant. I can see regret and guilt in his face but I couldn't let that bother me any longer. I removed my gaze and looked at the door as if I didn't see Max about to call for me.

~*~

"Maybe in another life everything worked out alright."

The song played on my phone. I sighed as I washed my face to remove the thoughts lingering.

"And things that made this harder passed us by."

I sat down on my bed and scrolled through my twitter while the song is playing. I see a picture that Dani tweeted. It was a picture of her and Max from earlier.

"But there's no bad dream to wake up from."

I sighed at what's happening. I'm having a headache with all this problem. I shrugged the feeling off and decided to tweet a picture of me and Philip from earlier.

"You can either ask him why or move on," his words kept ringing inside my head.

"Know I got it bad when it's the morning and you're all that's on my mind."

I sighed as I kept listening to the song. It speaks well to what I am feeling right now.

"If I don't have you, at least I'll still have me."

I grabbed my phone from the bedside table and I looked through my notifications. There was a new message from Max.

Max: Let's meet before the class resume?

Max: Axe?

I heaved out a sad sigh as I typed on my phone. Brushing off the thoughts that are still there. I've made up my mind.

Axel: I'd rather not, I still need space and time to think Max.

I turned off my phone and watch the screen go black. I closed my eyes and wait for sleep to take me. In the end, all I'll have in this war of love I have with Max is me. I may be the only casualty but, in the end, all I can rely on is myself. I can't lose myself in you any longer, I'm sorry Max. 

~*~