In His Eyes

Chapter 14

Max's POV

I've never felt so stupid my whole life. The one I like is already out of my reach just because of that stupid answer of mine. I should have said more. I should have told him my side. For once, I wished I had the courage to do so.

"Are we really just friends?" his question kept repeating inside my head. I was taken aback the moment he asked that. If only I can smack my head at that time, I may have had the courage to answer him truthfully.

No, Axel, you were never just a friend to me. I should have said that. I could have said a lot of things rather than yes. But I got scared, Axel.

"It's a simple yes or no question, Max," the look on his face was as if he was pleading to no longer prolong the agony of waiting. I guess in the end we would get tired of the waiting game we have.

"I just assumed that we were more than just friends," we do have something more than just what friends do. It's me who's the problem, Axel, I hope you can understand. But, how can you? I never told you the problem anyway.

I can never forget your face the moment you apologized for how you felt. Axel, I never meant for it to be this way. I just wished I had the courage to be with you. No, Axel, it's not your fault for feeling that way, it was because of my cowardice. I just can't face reality just yet.

"Are you sure about what you're planning to do?" Dani asked me with a serious face. I sighed and focused my attention on my coffee. "You have to be sure or you'll really regret everything."

I told her about my situation with Axel and the moment she heard it, she went and drove herself to my place. I'm thankful to have a friend like her because I need one right now.

"I think I'm sure," I looked at her, and she looked at me with pity in her eyes. I can't blame you, I look like a wreck ever since with what happened with Axel.

We were talking about my plan to move on. She thinks it's a bad idea because there will be no resolution and that Axel will never know how I truly feel.

I know what they said about buried feelings, and that it's never a good idea because it tends to grow. These feelings grow. But what do I have to do? I'm a coward and he deserves better than that.

I looked around the café when my eyes met a pair of dark brown pools. In that moment, everything froze. I was about to call him when he disregarded me. I deserved that. I looked at Dani and she was looking at me worriedly.

"Screw the plan," I said, a bit louder than what I expect it to be. I looked at Dani and she smiled.

"Do what your heart tells you to do so, but protect it at the same time," I nodded at what she said. Thank God, she's here because I couldn't even think straight.

We spent the time talking about different things and parted ways when it was near evening. I walked my way home and decided to text Philip to get Axel's address. I have nothing else to lose. I walked my way towards the address given to me.

I held my phone looking at his message.

Axel: I'd rather not, I still need space and time to think Max.

I didn't know I was crying until I saw a teardrop on my phone. I immediately wiped the tears falling down my face. I was too late, I already hurt him and I don't want to hurt him than I had.

I decided to walk away, glancing back at his house. I guess this was what I deserved for being so coward, scared to come out to my family and to the world. Axel, you deserve someone who would scream your name without any cowardice in it. You deserve the most.

~*~

Weeks passed by and classes already resumed. I focused on it and decided to move on from the feelings that are holding me back.

The university is big so I don't see Axel that much. I gave him the space and time he requested, but can I really move on from him? The person who made me believe in love at first sight?

I may have had many relationships in the past but I don't know what is it in Axel that somehow makes me weak. Something in you, Axel, makes me forget how to be stronger and that made me the coward that I am today.

If only I had the strength to come out to the world. But I don't think I could ever. I'll forever hide in the closet that this world has reserved for me, not knowing what to do. If only I could come out of it, maybe then I could be with you without any regrets holding me back.

I'm sorry Axel, I know it's too late, But I really am.

Months flew by quickly and I'm still trying to move on from him. I wish it was easy because it wasn't. This is life, nothing is easy. Loving you was not easy, Axel. It's not your fault, it's mine.

I was walking the campus when I heard you shout my name. I felt everything stop and that's I knew when I lost it.

"Hey Max," Axel said as if nothing happened the past months. He gave me his million-dollar smile, flashing it brightly. My heart aches at the sight, I should be the one making you smile like that.

"Hey Axel," I said, scratching the back of my head, trying to fight back the awkward feeling crawling up my neck.

"How are you doing, haven't seen you these past few months," he said, smiling at me. I swear I can never get tired of seeing that smile. I fight the feeling of wanting to pat his head, hold his hands, and walk as if nothing happened between us.

As much as I wanted to deny everything in the past just to be with him, I guess I couldn't. All I could do is move on, just like how he is successfully doing right now.

"Axe, I'm really sorry–"

"Max, don't," he started, placing his finger on my lips. I nodded, as he removed it, waiting for him to continue. "It's okay, I have forgotten all about it."

"Oh"

"Besides," he said, starting to walk as I follow him. "I have moved on."

That's when I heard my heart shatter into a million pieces. The way he said it like it was no big deal. If only you could hear it shattering, but who am I to ask you for that?

"That's cool," I muttered silently. That's cool? After all this time that's all you could say, Max?

"Anyway," he said, looking at his phone. "I have to go; class is about to start."

"Okay, bye," I waved him off, just as I was about to leave, he grabbed my arm.

"If ever you need anything, you can always come to me," he said, his eyes looking sad. I need to get out of here I don't know what I'm about to do. "We're friends, right?"

It feels like a slap in the face. But I deserved it. No matter how harsh his words are, I will fully accept it, it's my fault he's feeling this way.

I waved my goodbye as I walked the way home. I can't help but remember the look on his face the moment we spoke. I was waiting for that moment to talk to him again, but I guess I really lost my chance.

It was my defeat, a war that was meant to win. How could you win a war if you bought a sword to battle a gun?

I lied on my bed as I listened to the song playing on my phone.

"If this is love, why does it break me down?"

I felt tears threatening to fall down my eyes. This time I didn't hold back and just let it go.

"We're friends, right?" your words kept ringing in my head, how I wish I could remove it.

I don't blame anyone for the pain that is here in my chest but my own. I don't know how to deal with it, but I know I can.

You've moved on Axel. I know what we had is more than just friendship but I hoped it could be something more. But I was scared. I was scared of the judgmental world and the wreckage it could bring to me. I was selfish because I thought of my sake more than I thought of yours, more importantly, ours.

I guess I have nothing else to turn to but go to the last resort. I know I should just accept the reality and just move on. Just like what you did Axel. I'm letting you go. I'm moving on. Without you knowing how much I love you. I'm moving on from this story of ours.

~*~