A Trip Abroad

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Sydney Renea Mkhize

*Shy*

.

She's here, laying naked next to me. Her glorious body is tangled up in mine as I touch every part of her in disbelief and in attempt to remember every scratch and scar she had. Her black silky hair still smells of amla oil. It still sticks on her face as she sweats from the love making. It's incredibly insane and every part of my body feels at home. It feels like I belong here with her, where it's just us two and no one is there to disrupt. We're not counting hours or watching the sun, it's just her and I holding each other walking around naked and kissing every part.

I arrived during morning check-in time. I had to briefly turn on my cellphone to check the booking and I saw her missed calls. I left her a message that I made it safely to Pretoria and that I love her. It wasn't a lie. What I told her last night was not a lie too, it was the truth. I feel deeply for Lisa. And Khira feels like coming home. I'm not allowing myself to feel the confusing feelings. At this point, I've thrown logic and caution to the wind and I'm breezing through without overthinking.

Khira joined me a couple of hours ago and we haven't had a conversation. She walked in and my heart leaped in joy as I pushed the door to lock and threw myself in her arms holding her tightly and crying. I didn't believe it. She still wore the same perfume, her voice sounded pleasantly in person. I missed her. I cried for her and had cut myself in grievance of her. It's a surreal feeling that I asked to take off her clothes and remind myself of her body. Her scars. Her marks and the burnt skin on her lowerback which never regained colour. The tattoo on her scalp. It's indeed, my meala.

“What happened that day?” I ask. She shifts on the bed to face me. Her beautiful big dark eyes get glossy and I'm drawn towards her even more. The way her eyelashes curl reminds me of Lisa’s. I realise, I have a type indeed.

I dip my head down and kiss her lips tasting the cherry lip balm. She quickly climbs up on top of me deepening the kiss.

“Meala…” she whispers in-between with her hand traveling down to part my legs. She brushes my thigh gently.

“Let me take care of you,” she adds.

I pull back from the kiss and sit up. She looks at me with confusion.

“I want us to talk. You've been running away from this conversation ever since we arrived. The s*x is nice but now it seems like a distraction,” I tell her.

She sits on her heels as I cross and fold my legs. She sighs and brushes her hair back.

“Okay. We can talk Syd.” Her accent is a mix but the Arabic side in her pronunciation is present.

“I'm waiting,” I say. Her eyes pull big and she laughs..

“I can't talk while you're naked. Right Infront of me. It's distracting.” She looks around and says, “let's shower and talk a walk. The jacarandas are blooming outside and Pretoria is….” I shake my head at that.

“Khira, please stop trying to delay. We need to have this conversation.”

She gets up in frustration and pulls a t-shirt from my bag. It's big on her slim body. But it's perfect. She looks perfect. She wears her underwear too and walk to the hotel phone to order food.

I sigh and also get up and throw in the hotel robe. I walk to where she's standing and hug her from behind.

“We need to eat first. That's the least… and I need cigarettes.” She whispers to me and then back to hold for her order to be confirmed.

“Sweet darling. Why are you delaying this?” I ask. She turns and rests her head on my chest as she continues to tell the person on the other side of the phone that the burgers must be vegan. She says her thanks and shuts the phone. I take it from her hand and place it on the console table. She sneaks her hands around my waist from inside the robe.

She take a deep breath. We hold the position for a bit until I notice sobs and the warmth of tears.

“Hey baby.. don't cry please.” I cup her face and wipe her eyes, “I'm here. You're with me. Okay?” She nods.

I kiss her forehead and she pulls her hands out. We move to sit on the hotel floor balancing our backs on the bed. I hold her hands and ask her to breathe as she's transported back to the day.

“After they took me away from you, I went through the darkest time of my life. I always knew that if my dad finds out about my sexuality, things would turn for the worst.

I guess I never imagined that the worst of it would be being violated that much. I was a disgrace to everyone. I had embarrassed the palace. Infact, being dead would've been much better than the torment I lived through in the palace.

The guards were sworn to never tell about what had happened. Apart from the guards that were there and my parents, no one else in the palace knew what we did. Father said the guards were sworn to secrecy by sacrificial death. Meaning, they voluntarily killed themselves. Our secret never left those walls.” She looks at me. I can sense the heaviness of her heart and I squeeze her hand reminding her to take it slow and breathe. She pulls away and hug her knees and then continues…

“They made a deal with me. My mom convinced him that I'm a better asset alive than dead as the deal to marry the prince would help them gain more power in the community. Mom knew you wouldn't stay away and said to fake the death. She'd give you a tranquillizer that would send me into a temporary coma. The guards would act as if they're there to stone me, mom would put up an act. You'd be banned and flown out of the palace as soon as the next jet's available.

That's how I survived. They didn't stone me, they brutalised me, yes, but the amazing thing about the body is that it heals. And I did.” She takes a deep breath and looks at me. Her eyes are glimmering with tears.

I pull her to my side and her head rests on me.

“We can talk more another day. I'm glad you survived and you're here but…”

“But we can't Syd. Too much is at risk and we both can't lose what we have for something we aren't sure would make us happy. So much has changed since Saudi and I don't want us to end up resenting each other.” I feel a lump in my throat. It's exactly what I wanted to say but I had hoped she'd say the opposite.

“It would kill me to be away from you. I understand we can never be romantically together but I'd like you to let me into you life, I'd like to be part of it and be present. Not to hold the candle but be the godmother to your child. Be there when you celebrate milestones. Khira, I've missed you terribly," I say.

She straddles me and cups my face. Her lips curl in to a smile and my heart melts. My meala is here.

“I think you're the perfect godmother for my daughter. Renné will love you.”

I gasp in shock and she laughs.

“You gave your daughter my name?”

“I had to keep a memory of you. It was fading, sweet darling. And hers is spelt differently from yours. Perks of the English language.”

“Didn’t your wife complain?” I question and her eyes brighten up as I mention her lover.

“No, actually it was Zara's idea to name her like that. Based on an artist she loves but I'd like to say it was fate.”

Her wife's name is Zara. Beautiful.

“Zara seems like a wonderful person,” I answer. I'm envious of Zara, she gets to love my love. I got to grieve for her, maybe that's something.

“She’s awesome, truly.” Her eyes glimmer with love. I remember when they used to do so for me.

“What's your “good” friend's name?” she asks.

I release a huge sigh..oh dear.

“Her name's Lisa and she's 10 years younger that me. My honours student.”

“Sydney!!” She exclaims and then giggles.

“No judgements please!” I say and she shakes her head smiling.

“I'm not. But I wonder if you were dating a younger person because you were frozen in time?” That's a first. I drop my head down, breathe and then look up at her.

“Well, at first I thought so too. I thought I was searching for a replacement until I allowed myself and got to know her for who she is. And I realised I was pulled to her because we had so much in common and I got comfortable. I liked having her around. I enjoyed her presence even as destructive as she can be. I loved her for the first time since Saudi happened. She's the first person I can confidently say I wasn't frozen in time. With others before her? Well, obviously.”

She nods.

“And tell me about your husband. You two are suited for each other.”

“Well, Richard's bisexual and we got in marriage of convenience because he offered comfort and security and I was a good front for him. We hardly get intimate, it's more platonic love than romantic. I guess I can say.”

“Does he know about Lisa?”

I shake my head and she nods.

“No one knows, right?” She questions and I nod once again.

“Oh Sydney!” she whispers. There's a knock on the door and she gets up.

“What if it's a man?” I shout before she can open and get up.

“Your hijab is on the other side of the room sweet darling.” She rolls her eyes and smile.

“Room service” the guy voice calls. I shrug my shoulders and she laughs walking to the bathroom. The guy in a tuxedo pushes the tray trolley in, explains the order and I pull money from my wallet to tip him.

“Thank you so much,” I say as he walks out the door. Khira comes out and we serve the food. We sit on the floor once more and eat.

“Don't hide her, Syd,” she says. “Don't love her in the dark please. Don't ask her to sacrifice a huge part of her like that, to hide. Give her the bright warm days. The kisses under the rain and the sweet memories of outside land. If she's as pure as you make her seem, I think she deserves to be loved loudly, f**k what the people say. Okay?”

I nod.

“But when the time is right, Khira. I still have a lot to fix and set in place.”

She huffs. And shakes her head.

“If you want to make space for her, you will. Make sure it's before she leaves you for someone who won't be shy to seen with her in public. Claim her between the masses. No matter what's at stake. I'd think at our age, hiding is not cool.” I lay down on the floor and look at Khira with a smile.

“Funny enough, she calls me “Shy” and it was weird at first but it's kinda sweet now.” I laugh.

“She loves you Syd. She deserves better than what you're currently giving her.”

I nod and watch her as she enjoys her food. I don't think I'm ready for a public relationship. The sacrifices are way too much and I'm worried that our love isn't yet strong enough to survive the scrutiny. I don't think it is fair for Richard too. It's just…. Complicated.

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