Writing Alone and Other Group Activities

Dead Air

Dead Air

Team: Lexical Literati

“Really, Dave? ‘Love Shack’?”

“What? I give the people what they want. We get any callers yet?”

“You know it. We got a Barbara from Chicago, a Jim from 42nd Street, and in case they both fail you, a Carlie from Columbus.”

“Carlie from Columbus, too bad she isn’t first. Love the sound of that. But Jim from 42nd? What city?”

“Didn’t say. Hey, care if I sneak a smoke break after this?”

“I thought you were quitting.”

“Huh.”

“I thought you were quitting...you there?”

“Sorry, thought I heard someone at the back door.”

“Not possible. We don’t even get a guard on Sundays anymore. Not after the latest budget cuts. Probably just your imagination. And a good way to change the subject. You promised you’d give up the cancer sticks.”

“I’m a big girl, Dave. I’m weaning off, and I really did hear something.”

“Since when do big girls ‘wean’?”

“You got five seconds, smart ass. Three, two, on air.”

“All right, that was ‘Love Shack’ by the B-52s. Interesting note, the love shack mentioned in that song there was actually based on a real shack. It even had a tin roof. It’s where the band conceived ‘Rock Lobster.’ But you all know that ‘Love Shack’ was really about having a little kinky fun, right? That’s what the ‘rusty’ implies. Hope you like that little tidbit for our Roll It Back Sunday here on KWZE. Speaking of fun facts, we still haven’t had anyone guess our city of the day. Just a reminder, the city we are looking for is named in the same song with Ugly, Texas, and Peculiar, Missouri. Let’s go to Barbara from Chicago, Illinois. Barbara, you with us?”

“I sure am, Dave!”

“All right, Barbara, do you have an answer for us?”

“Is it Last Chance, Iowa? Kind of like my love life at thirty-five? Last Chance....”

“Ah, sorry, Barbara, no. Though I imagine that’d make a good song.”

“Yeah, I’ve got loads of material, like that time that I—”

“Sorry, we’re out of time, and sadly that isn’t the answer I was looking for. Thanks, Barbara, let’s go to our next caller. Hey, Jim, you’re on the air!”

“Hey, Dave.”

“You got an answer for us, Jim?”

“You could say that, Dave.”

“All right, well, you got us on pins and needles—or should I say you’re on ‘Needles and Pins,’ like Smokie in their chart-topping UK hit? That’s a 1977 song reference for our youngster listeners. Okay, Jim, let’s see what you’ve got. What place is mentioned in the song along with Ugly, Texas, and Peculiar, Missouri?’”

“I hate how you try to confuse callers Dave. Now it’s a place? Earlier it was a city and before that a town.”

“Are you stalling for time, Jim? Waiting for the Google to load? If you don’t have an answer I’ve got a Carlie from Columbus who’s dying for a cha—”

“Ah—Dave!”

“Alice? Uh, my trusty broadcast assistant, Alice, is weighing in today folks! Why the, um, interjection Alice?”

“I just, wanted to—make sure you let Jim answer, Dave. He’s waited...a long time....”

“Well, Alice. Time’s running out, but I’ll give him a couple seconds more. Again, for those of you at home, that lovely voice is Alice. Remember that! Could be a quiz question someday! You don’t usually get to hear Alice on the air, but she must be really excited to hear Jim’s answer. Like I said, we’re all on needles and pins! Jim? You, ah, gonna make our lovely Alice wait any longer? What’s the city?”

“That’s cute, Dave. I think Alice is on something a little sharper than needles and pins, and she’s also done waiting.”

“Da—”

“What was that? Jim? You sound out of breath. You calling from the gym, Jim? See what I did there?”

“I’m multitasking. The answer is Nameless, Tennessee. Though you cheated, Dave. It isn’t a city at all, it is an unincorporated community. That’s a big difference, don’t you think? That’s the s**t I was talking about earlier. But I wasn’t going to let you trick me this time.”

“Oh whoa, there Jim. Don’t forget, this is a family show. Sorry folks. Hopefully Alice caught that one. Also, I think I said ‘place,’ technically, so....”

“You said town first, Dave, then city, then place, and you circled back to city just now. As usual, your wording lacks precision.”

“Hey, well, city or community, a right answer is a right answer.”

“Unincorporated community.”

“Right, right. Alice, you forgot to mention where Jim is from. Alice? Hmm, must be on that break. She’s got wacky timing sometimes, folks. You know, Jim, Alice didn’t tell us where you were calling from. You from around this unincorporated community? From someplace ‘Nameless’?”

“You could say that.”

“I could, huh? Man of mystery. Well, all right then. You know what song that’s from, Jim?”

“‘My Dark Life.’ Elvis Costello. 1996. Back when singers told stories and DJs knew when to shut their traps.”

“Spot. On. The. Nose. Too many DJs just run at the mouth. Not me, though, I stick to the music as much as possible. So we’re going to play that now! And Jim, if you could stay on the line and let Alice get your contact information, that’d be just swell. Jim here is winning a twenty-five dollar gift card to Subway, and speaking of Subway, here is another interesting fact: there are three Subways that surround Nameless, one at the north and two at the lower east and west ends. I guess they really like their sandwiches down there in Nameless. So here’s the song, and we’ll be right with you, Jim.”

“Okay, Dave. But one thing before you hang up. Are you going to promise to stop cheating callers out of their prizes?”

“Jim, we’re already off air now. I’m going to transfer you back to Alice to enter your information and get you that gift card—”

“No you’re not, Dave.”

“I’m not, huh? Not a fan of Subway? Maybe Alice can throw a different card at you. I don’t mean to brag, but half a dozen local restaurants sponsor us.”

“Yeah, you could say I wasn’t a fan of Alice either. Though that’s unfair, really. She’s rather pleasant now. Doesn’t talk. Doesn’t smoke anymore, either.”

“I’m not sure I follow.”

“Don’t worry, it’ll become clear soon enough. See, this is the problem, Dave. You take a half-set of information, you draw conclusions, and you think you know it all. In reality, you’re little more than an amateur trivia nerd who feels robbed when he comes in third on quiz night at the Retake Room. Isn’t that right, Dave? Isn’t that how you spend your Wednesday nights?”

“You must have been there yourself. You take fourth place or something buddy?”

“I was there to check in on you, Dave.”

“Oh criminy. Alice, we’ve got a stalker on our hands. This is just great. Cut the line and call the cops, please.”

“I told you. Alice can’t do that. Focus, Dave. We’re here to discuss your indiscretions. Take this contest, for example. You cheated again. You asked for a city. Nameless is an unincorporated community, Dave. It isn’t a town or city. This isn’t the first little error—”

“All right, thank you and goodbye.”

“Don’t interrupt me Dave.”

“Dammit, my switch isn’t working. Alice?”

“Dave. Focus. Your errors. I’ve caught you making so many on this show. You must be more precise, Dave. It’s only fair. You’re sloppy and careless. It makes every riddle a muddied trick.”

“I think we’re talking semantics here. Look, guy, it’s a stupid radio quiz. One you won, I might add.”

“But could Barbara have won if you hadn’t mis-worded the question? Would she still be a fan if she knew the truth?”

“Town, city, ‘unincorporated community,’ aren’t they all the same thing? Take your average listener—they’d never know the difference. Clearly Barbara didn’t know the song. She just wanted her chance at fifteen seconds of fame, and I can’t say I blame her, and I—can’t believe we’re arguing about this. Alice, can you cut the line? My switch isn’t working.”

“I told you, Dave. I already transferred Alice to the next life. Alice doesn’t have to listen to your s**t anymore. Look around, Dave. The control room’s gone dark. Do you see anyone here to save you?”

“O-okay, nice try. Okay, I get it. I give. Alice, is this just to get back at me for that prank at Halloween? This is a bit dark, but payback given. Come on now, this is getting a bit too creepy. Alice? You hearing me, Alice?”

“Dave, Dave, Dave. Is this denseness the reason you’re so crummy at trivia, too? Alice has gone dark. There’s only me now, Jim, and ‘You Don’t Mess Around With Jim.’ You see what I did there?”

“Yeah. You’re a real clever one. Alice, last chance. I’ll tell them who’s leaving cigarette butts in the rain barrel, I swear it. You hear me? The song’s almost over. You can’t take this prank live!”

“Enough! Look at the control room now Dave.”

“Holy Hell! How did you get in there. Where’s Alice? What’s in your hand? Is that a knife? Jesus. Fuck.”

“Do I have your attention now?”

“Look, guy, Jim, I’m sorry you don’t like Subway or radio games or…or me. If that’s the case, just don’t listen! You know what I’m saying? f*****g Christ, this better be a goddamn prank. Alice!”

“Forget Alice! Focus. I love radio games, Dave. I am a big fan. But not of yours. You smudge the rules. Get inaccurate. You thought no one would notice how unfair you were being, Dave, but I did. Do you remember last year, Dave? When you asked who played the riff in ‘My Guitar Gently Weeps’? I called in, Dave, do you remember? I told you it was Eric Clapton, Dave, and you laughed at me. Laughed. Told me that would have been a ‘hoot,’ and when I tried to educate you, Dave, you said that it was a crazy little ‘theory.’ The whole county heard you make a joke out of me.”

“Uh, okay, okay. I remember that. It was an interesting theory.”

“It was a fact, Dave. A cold, hard fact. Clapton played for Harrison, and to return the favor Harrison played uncredited for Clapton. If you really knew music the way you pretend to, you would have known this. You should know this, Dave, especially since you proclaim yourself to be a fountain of musical knowledge. But you didn’t know. And you gave my prize away. I’d promised my girl we were gonna eat at the steak place on that prize, and you stole the dinner right out of our mouths. Tina left me the next day, Dave, and it wasn’t my fault, it was yours. So I looked into you. Did you know in the past year, you’ve made 113 errors, Dave? That’s a lot for a daily quiz question. It makes you a sham, Dave. A fraud. Alice, too. She keeps each day’s list of questions and answers right in front of her! She clearly let them all slide or was just as ignorant as you.”

“Look, I’m sorry, is that what you want to hear? I’m sorry you felt like I robbed you. I’m even sorry your girl left you, but it’s not like it was over a stupid gift card, I can tell you that.”

“You’re live in five, Dave. Better not f**k this up, or I’m coming in there.”

“Jesus.... Hey, everyone! Uh, miss me? That was, was, where, oh yes. That was Elvis Costello and ‘My Dark Life,’ which is also turning out to be a bit of a, uh, theme for today, not to mention the song for today’s radio quiz, where he names three odd cities—”

“It is not a city.”

“No, no. Get out of here. Help! Call 911! It’s a f*****g radio quiz! He’s got a knife!”

“It’s an—”

“Arrrrrrrrrgh—”

“unincorporated—”

“Arrrrrrrrrgh —”

“community!”

“Arrrrrrrrrgh....”

“I am sorry dear listeners of KWZE, but Dave has signed off, for good. I know I shouldn’t speak ill of the dead, but what the hell. Dave was a liar and a cheat. I could enumerate all of his errors for you, but I haven’t the time. Dave isn’t the only sham on air, and I intend to rectify that. Now that he’s gone though, the KWZE prize drawer is wide open. And Tina, baby, I hope you’re listening like I asked you to. I told you I’d make this right. I’ve already grabbed the card that was rightfully mine. The rest of you lovely listeners, sorry, but I’ve got to run. I’m going to leave you with the legendary Jim Croce, and his classic, ‘You Don’t Mess Around with Jim.’ My sincerest apology for the dead air that follows.”

ABCD

For this prompt, the stories needed to focus on four separate characters. Each character had to seem independent, but by the end, all four storylines had to collide into one in a completely unexpected way.