A WHIRLWIND OF COLOR

6

Just the thought of disappointment on their faces made me know how impossible being pregnant was. I’d never get pregnant out of wedlock. I wouldn’t be able to handle upsetting them. That was why I always followed the rules. And got good grades. And did everything I was supposed to do. It was also why I was on birth control and made Austin use a condom. No mistakes. I lowered my hospital gown back down over my stomach.

I must have had something wrong with my intestines or liver or something. Liver. It definitely had to be my liver. I’d drunk alcohol before I was 21 and this was my punishment. When was the last time I had something to drink? When was the last party Melissa dragged me to? I doubted I had more than one beer either way. Could that have made my liver fail? Or maybe it had been two beers. I couldn’t remember. Either way, that was probably what did it. And my stomach was swollen because of whatever the doctors did to fix my failing liver. I was fine now. No one said I was dying so they probably didn’t have to remove it. They had just opened me up and poked around a bit. Everything would go back to normal soon. How important could a liver be?

Or maybe all of this was a bad dream. A horrid dream and I’d wake up in the morning in my dorm room and everything would be okay. I was just stressed out over finals. Knowing me, I had probably fallen asleep in the library with my head in a book and was just dreaming away.

I stared at my reflection. The reflection I didn’t believe. It’s all in your head. I switched off the lights. It’s all in your head. I climbed into bed and pulled the covers up to my chin. It’s all in your head. But I couldn’t erase the image of the city street below. Or ignore the sounds of the cars. Or the fact that a woman had stared back at me in the mirror. Not the girl that I knew.

Wednesday

I had never felt so safe and secure in my entire life. Like I was wrapped up in a cocoon of warmth. I squeezed my eyes shut. I didn’t want to face today. The nightmare from last night was so vivid. And I was glad it was just that. A nightmare.

Today was a new day. And I needed to get up before I was late for my exam. But I loved having Austin’s arms around me. It was the one time when his feelings about me were obvious. When he was sleeping, he clung to me. He held me close. I didn’t know why he couldn’t do that during the day. Why he couldn’t see us as more.

These were the moments I held close to my heart. They were the reason I stayed. The reason why I was patient with him. Melissa said I was a pushover. And maybe that was true, but it didn’t take away from the fact that I liked him. I truly did. I was just waiting for him to realize that we were on the same page.

I took a deep breath. He smelled different, like he'd started to wear cologne or something. But I knew for a fact that he didn’t wear cologne. For a second I wondered if it was another woman’s scent on his skin. The thought quickly faded. This scent was all man. Deliciously male. Maybe it was a new body wash. Whatever the change, I liked it. He smelled like a million bucks. It made me feel slightly dizzy like I was intoxicated by him. I turned in the bed to nestle into his chest.

His arms wrapped tighter around me. “Penny.”

That was not Austin’s voice.

My eyes flew open at the same time my heart stopped beating. A man’s chest I didn’t recognize was pressed against my face. I screamed at the top of my lungs.

“Penny, it’s just me.” The man pulled away, releasing me from his warm embrace.

I screamed again even though I recognized him now. James. The man that claimed to be my husband. The man from my nightmares. The man that couldn’t possibly be real.

“It’s me.” He grabbed both sides of my face and tried to force me to look at him.

I was supposed to wake up from this dream. Why hadn’t I woken up? I tried to push his hands away from me, but he gripped my face harder.

“Penny.”

“Don’t touch me.” I clamped my hands on his wrists, trying as hard as I could to fight him off.

“Look at me, baby. Please just look at me. Look at me and try to remember.”

“Help!” I screamed. “Someone help me!”

He removed his hands from my face like I had slapped him. And we stayed like that for a moment, with my hands clutched tightly around his wrists. Frozen in the bed staring at each other.

The dark circles under his eyes and the frown on his lips weighed on me. And I had the same sense as before. That he was broken. I wanted to help, but I didn’t know him. I couldn’t fix him. I immediately let go of his wrists and scooted away from him. “What are you doing here?”

“I can’t sleep without you beside me. You know that.”

I hadn’t meant in my bed. I meant here. In existence. “I know nothing about you.” I inched farther away.

“Penny, you know me. If you’d just take a second to truly look at me I know you’ll remember.”

I kept scooting away from him until my ass was hanging off the edge of the bed.

“Look in my eyes and tell me you feel nothing.”

I locked eyes with him. It was true, his arms had made me feel safe. Secure. Warm. But I hadn’t known it was him. I thought it was Austin. That was the only reason why I had felt that way. I tried to ignore the nagging thought in the back of my mind. The one that was screaming that when James released me from his embrace, I had never felt so cold in my entire life. My skin pebbled with goosebumps. It was like my body was trying to tell me I needed him. I stared into his eyes, willing myself to remember him. To remember anything that he claimed to be true.

But there was nothing there. Yes, he was handsome. I couldn’t deny that. Any woman would be lucky to have him. But he wasn’t mine and I wasn’t his. Everything he claimed was true couldn’t possibly be. I scooted even further away, forgetting that there wasn’t any more room, and started to fall off the bed.

He grabbed my waist before I fell, and pulled me back onto the mattress. This time I didn’t think his touch was comforting. It was electrifying. Like he had just slapped me with a bug zapper. What the hell was that?

I climbed off the bed, pointing at him accusatorily. “You can’t just sneak in here and…and…hold me in the middle of the night, you psycho.”