End of days

Chapter 12

Chapter 12

"But, once we have been saved, our correct response to God's love is to surrender all that we are, and all that He has given us, back to him. All your life, you have made your own plans and lived by your own will. I fear for you if you do not surrender yourself completely to your Lord. I believe God allowed your severe injuries to get your attention. He wants all of your heart in total submission to Him."

"Submission? Surrender? I might as well have died, if that is what God requires of

me."

"I know 'tis hard for you. You are used to being in control, to being a leader of men, and you are not accustomed to submitting your will to another's. Denying yourself does not mean losing your identity. Jesus tells us that he who finds his life will lose it, and he who loses his life for my sake will find it.' God created each of us with unique characteristics and personalities, and He treasures our individuality."

"Why should I submit to God?" His tone was no longer sullen, but rather perplexed and questioning. "You already said that I am saved, that I am going to heaven and nothing I do will affect my salvation."

"Nothing you do, except completely disowning God, will jeopardize your salvation. But is not your refusal to surrender to God a sin against Him, a rejection of Him? Because He first loved us, do you not want to love Him and serve Him? Jesus proved that real leadership is found in humility, and real power is found in submission to God and in service to others."

Margaret waited, giving Rayford time to think about her words, praying that Rayford would open his heart and his mind to the truth.

"How do I submit my will to God?" obligation. Just a Tis like taking a fealty oath to the king. Submitting your will to God is the duty you owe Him. But such a submission must be made out of love, not each time the king calls on you for service and you must do what he requires of you, so too the Lord will call upon you, through His Holy Spirit, and tell you what service He requests of you. But unlike the king's demands, God makes requests that you are free to ignore or to disregard. "Tis a daily, continual process to deny yourself and to your will to the Lord. Submitting your will to God frees you from yourself, frees you from the need to always be in control. Surrender to the Lord brings freedom and peace." submit

She smiled tenderly at him. "Rayford, I can see that you are tired. Just think about what I have said. Better yet, pray about it and ask God to give you the gift of discernment. I will continue to pray for you. Rayford, I love you." "I love you too, Mother."

laric pushed the bedding out of his way and stood. When his shaking legs buckled, he grabbed onto Leah Rose's shoulder while she put her arm around his Ab waist to help support his weight. He gritted his teeth, sweat breaking out on his forehead. "Twould appear you were right. I am still too weak to walk by myself. Please

help me get to the chair." Leah Rose held him as he walked the few steps to the chair and eased him gently down

into it. "I am still weak as a baby," he muttered. He laid his head back against the chair and watched as Leah Rose returned to the bed to strip off the linens. "What are you doing?"

"I am taking advantage of your being out of bed to change the sheets." Rayford watched her silently for a few moments before speaking. "Leah Rose, I am sorry for my rudeness. I am not used to being an invalid."

She finished her task before coming to his chair and dropping onto her knees before

him. "I was so afraid you would die." She took his hands in her own. "Please try not to

push yourself too hard. I fear you might have a relapse."

Rayford raised her hands to his lips, dropping a kiss on each of her palms before releasing them. "Thank you for your care." "You are welcome." She smiled at him, then rose to her feet.

"I hope you will not take this the wrong way, but I find I need some time alone."

She frowned down at him. "I am not sure that is such a good idea."

"I will be fine. Just half an hour."

"Only if you promise not to move from that chair."

"I promise."

"As you wish, then. I will be back in half an hour."

Rayford watched her gather up the dirty linens and, with one last searching look, departed. He sighed as the door closed behind her. He had had a lot on his mind since his mother's visit yesterday. All night long he had mulled over her words. At first he had been defensive and resistant. He saw now that he had reacted to God's call on his life with defiance and resentment. He did not want to give up his own will to his Creator. Facing the fact he was so selfish and self-centered had hurt.

His mother was right. Everything he had done in his adult life had been the result never requested His guidance, never waited on His plan, never trusted his life to Him. of his own will, his own desires, his own ideas. He had never consulted with God, The only times he had turned to God was when his own guilt and shame had overwhelmed him. He would ask for God's forgiveness and, once it was granted, he would go his own way once again.

Control. He had to be the one in control. If things did not go his way, he reacted with anger and resentment, lashing out at others in frustration when they did not do as he decreed. He had hurt Leah Rose in his attempts to rule her, and he had willfully caused the death of Bernard, Gordon, Roger, and the others. Guilt engulfed him.

"I am so sorry, Lord. I have resented You. I have been proud and arrogant. I have put myself and what I want above You, above others, even my own wife, even above

the lives of the men who serve me. Please forgive me." The words of a familiar psalm came to him:

Create in me a clean heart, O God, and renew a right spirit within me.

Cast me not away from your presence, and take not your Holy Spirit from me. Restore to me the joy of your salvation, and uphold me with a willing spirit.

Deliver me from bloodguiltiness, O God,

O God of my salvation,

for you will not delight in sacrifice, or I would give it; you will not be pleased with a burnt offering.

The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit; a broken and contrite heart, O God, you will not despise.