Hidden River

Face It

Michael Inside The Book

Alisa is more restless than I've ever seen her, tossing and turning through the night. She wakes up rushing to and from her bathroom several times, sick to her stomach. The words in her mind are bouncing around above my head, creating the perfect storm.

Alisa

---

Car accidents...

Damn stupid, my fault, his fault, my heart...

My Dad...

Nothing is safe...

Nothing means...

What am I doing? I'm just...

I mean... Peter

---

I slept with him, and now he's dead. I don't know what bothers me more. The fact he's dead or the fact that I'm crying more for Peter than I ever did for my Dad. What's up with that? Oh, my stomach. Come on, Alisa, get up; you have to rehearse. My feet hit the floor with all the high-powered force of a sloth. I step out onto my balcony like I always do. The day is a perfect temperature, but the blazing sun is making my pounding headache even worse.

Oh no, I'm going to be sick again. I just barely make it to the bathroom when it hits me. No, no, I can't be... I can't be. What am I, an i***t? Of course, I can be. What was I thinking? Freddy is going to hate me; why wouldn't he? I slept with Peter when I knew, really, if I'm honest, I know that Freddy likes me, maybe even loves me. I just mess everything up; I never used to. I start to head down to the stairs that lead to the walk way but have to run back to the bathroom with another stomach emptying up heave. He doesn't have to know right now.

We can just work until I can't work... What am I thinking? That's not fair to him. He's been nothing but kind and generous. But God... will he ever forgive me? If I had just... But he's never...Yet again, stomach contents that I will not describe for the sake of decency come out of my mouth... I cover my face... Oh God, my stomach... I'll manage, I have to. I pop a mint in my mouth and leave my bathroom.

"Stomach, you will behave now. That's an order." I voice out loud.

I ease my way down the stairs, walk across the boardwalk. I turn my head away for the curious onlookers. Everyone knows me by now. I'm a dancer for the dinner theater. I try not to be rude as people greet me asking me how rehearsals are going. I answer with as few words as possible.

I get a peppermint, ginger and lemon tea from the cafe on the main floor and head up the stairs to the practice rooms. Again my stomach turns and I rush to the bathroom. After my stomach settles a bit more I splash water on my face,the refreshing cool calming my senses. Okay... Let's go, stomach. Time to tell Freddy what an i***t I've been. I walk into the practice room, dread pooling in my stomach. Freddy walks towards me.

Freddy

She's sick; it's written all over her face, then it hits me... No, no, she can't be... What am I saying? Of course, she can be.

"Are you okay?" I extend my hand she takes it.

"I," she says, looking down ashamed.

"Alisa?" I ask.

"I have to tell you something," she practically whispers.

Here it goes, "Okay."

Then she says the two words I dread hearing, "I, I'm pregnant."

As much as it breaks me, she doesn't need my judgment right now.

"Oh, Alisa," I pull her into my arms. She tries to pull away, but I pull her closer.

"I'm sorry."

"How can I help?" I put my hand on the back of her neck.

"It's Peter's, still want to help?" I'm conflicted. Not because I didn't know; I do. I always have known.

---

Does she know I love her? I don't know... I'm never sure of much with her. She won't let me get close, and then she goes and sleeps with the one person that... well, I knew that, but still, it hurts. It hurts all over again, and now he's dead... and she's alone... whatever I'm feeling right now, she's alone.

I don't know what to think, but I do know what I can do... No one should have to go through this without support. I can be her strength. It kills me that she slept with someone that I have... had no respect for. Breath, Freddy, that's all you can ever do when you don't know what to do. But Alisa, why did you have to...

---

Alisa

He's not saying anything. Say something please, say anything... I made the worst choice I could have; I know that. I knew that when I made it, but I couldn't face... I can't face it now. Say something. When he finally speaks, he insists that I stay with him. He says the condo is no place to raise a baby, and I'm not about to go back to my mom's farm, so I agree. We spend the rest of the day moving my stuff and settling into the basement suite where Phoenix lives as well. I tumble into exhausted slumber.

Freddy

As wonderful as it is having Alisa so close to me, I can't seem to stop the burning sense of betrayal in my chest. I have to keep reminding myself that she was never mine, and I never made a move, didn't even try. I just wanted to give her space since it was clear. Really, it's still clear to me that she was and is struggling with something, and I didn't want to pressure her.

After I get ready for the day, I make my way downstairs. Phoenix and Alisa are sitting in the kitchen preparing breakfast. Everything in me wants to walk over and kiss her, but I hold myself back and give her a quick hug instead. Phoenix glances at me sideways when Alisa has her head turned, and I shrug.

"Good morning," I chime

"Morning," Alisa returns.

"Settling in okay?"

She nods, "Yeah, thanks". Then it occurs to me that she is fully dressed, and her dance bag is next to her on the floor.

"Wait, why are you... are you still...?" I'll admit I'm surprised.

Phoenix laughs. "Full sentences, brother."

I shake my head at myself. "Right, I came down to see how you're feeling today." They both nod.

I finally pull my thoughts together, turning back to Alisa. "So you're still going to work?"

She nods. "Yeah, till I can't anymore."

"Don't look so shocked, Freddy. I'd do the same if..." Phoenix doesn't complete her statement. I nod, understanding.

I drink in the sight of Alisa as she looks at me. I can't help it. She is so beautiful. She burns my heart to a crisp, refusing to at me. I look away glancing over towards Phoenix. She tilts her head. I shrug willing myself happy. I look back at Alisa she has already finished eating and is making her way to the patio door that leads out to the lake facing patio.

Both Phoenix and I follow her out heading down to the train line that will take us to the performance center. Walk down and since we have some time, we take it around the long way around. The half full train car is nicely noisy the other passengers talking in moderate tones.

Clouds scatter across the sky, sun and rain mingling to create a misty brightness on the lake that rotates in circular patterns as the poles on the train cast shadows on the floor.

"Alisa?"

She turns and looks at me "Why don't you hate me?"

"What?"

"I mean I would if I were you."

"How can I hate you? No... There's no answer to that. I never could. I never will."

"You don't mean that. You can't"

"I do." I don't know what else to say. I'm in love with her though she would never accept that.

She turns back to the window hardening herself against anymore from me.