My Second Chance at Love

Hard conversations

Emma’s POV…

“Ummmmm are you sure you want to have this conversation right now?” I’m giving him an out. This is going to be intense.

“That’s why I asked. I want to know,” he replied so arrogantly.

“I’ve been to three fertility doctors over the last four years or so. I can’t have kids without major medical intervention, like IVF. If I’m going to spend tens of thousands of dollars on a chance for a baby, I’d rather just adopt.”

I know some men have to have their own flesh and blood. I’ve never understood it, but maybe it’s the teacher in me.

“Oh s**t, Em, I’m so sorry babe. I didn’t know. That had to of been hard. Did you have to do meds and all the s**t?” He’s genuinely concerned. Not for how it physically affected me but for how it emotionally affected me and still affects me.

“Yeah, I did clomid for six months. Three times during that six months the doctors told me there was no way I wasn’t pregnant. My hormone levels were insanely high. Then I’d start my period and cry. I’d mourn the baby that never was. After that, they wanted to put me on some breast cancer drug that promotes random ovulation. I refused. That’s kinda crazy. The clomid made me gain weight. My ex acted like I did it to gross him out. I’ve never felt so ugly and deformed in all my life. He told his whole family that I was messed up. He left out the part where over ninety percent of his swimmers were not even egg seekers.”

I don’t even realize I’m crying until a tear hits my pillow and makes a noise. I leave out the part of two probable miscarriages. I leave out having them pass on the toilet and holding the very large clumps of tissue in my hands.

I hear sniffling and look to see it’s Andrew. He’s crying. “Babe I’m so sorry. s**t. My mom has had some real messed up ex’s in her life. It messed her up but nothing like this s**t. You really believe that you aren’t gorgeous, don’t you?”

I just shake my head. I cannot even respond. The level of empathy he is showing me right now has me willing to drive to damn Orlando and call a substitute for Monday. How could I have been married for seven years and feel less than I feel for this man in one freaking day?

“Why do you keep saying you’re an asshole? You’ve told me two or three times in one day. It’s like you’re warning me. What’s the deal?” If we’re having the air your dirty laundry moments then I want to know about his dirty laundry. Not the laundry I helped him dirty, but the real stuff.

He nods and looks away from the camera. When he looks back there’s a mask there. “Don’t you dare, Andrew. I told you mine. Tell me yours.”

“I’ve never been in a relationship with a faithful woman. Every single one has cheated. Every one. s**t, my mom even cheated on my dad. When they do finally cheat, I’m relieved. It’s like I knew it was coming and started locking and guarding my heart. I push them away. They blame me but I’m not the one out screwing others.”

“Who wrote cheater on your truck?”

He smiled and laughed. Smart ass. “My ex fiancé, Katy. She swore I was cheating on her with my almost step sister. My dad dated her mom but they never got married. We were raised like siblings. Kris is my sister. Katy swore that we were screwing. So, she went out, cheated, got caught, yelled at me, bit me, called the cops on me, then wrote cheater on my truck while I was at the bar one night.”

Oh. My red flags are coming down. Maybe he isn’t just a walking s*x god. “Andrew, I’m sorry. That’s got to mess with you. You know you’re good enough to deserve a faithful woman.” He looks at me like he wants to believe me and in that moment I make it my hearts mission to make him know that his deserve fidelity and trust. I want him to know he doesn’t have to be an asshole anymore.

“A faithful woman? A faithful woman? You were faithful even when you had every right to stray, why?” He looks genuinely confused.

“I was raised to stick with it. I just kept thinking that if I tried harder it would be enough, that I’d be enough. I was so invested. Why would I explode that?” I’m so confused. Why would I stay and not stray but then again, what benefit would I have in straying?

“You didn’t need to try harder. You’re enough already,” he huffs out almost in a whisper. If I wasn’t listening so closely I’d have missed it. He thinks I’m enough, that I’m worth choosing. He doesn’t even know me. Well, he knows how big my ass is, he knows I can’t have kids.

“Do you want kids?” The question leaves my mouth before I can stop it.

“Yeah, but I don’t care where they come from. Except I can’t do the whole stepdad role. I’m not made for that s**t. I’m good with fostering or adopting. I’d love my own, of course. Kids are kids. I want a bunch.” How did he know exactly what I was asking? He knew I wanted to know if he’d be okay with only adopting kids.

“What time do you have to be up? It’s getting late and I’m exhausted. You drained me. I drained me? You made me drain me? I have no idea who did what.”

He cracks up and his laughter warms my soul. His blue eyes crinkle with joy and he smiles so big. His smile is gorgeous. Those blue eyes and auburn red hair, mmmmm.

“You did it. You walked by that mirror. You’re to blame. I was an innocent bystander.” He shaking with laughter. If I wasn’t so tired I’d engage him in this banter but as it is, I can barely keep my eyes open and tomorrow will be another busy day.

“If your innocent, I’m a supermodel.”

“Don’t cut yourself down. Don’t. Please. You may not be a swimsuit model, that’s just cause the world is f**king crazy and doesn’t know beauty, but babe, you’re gorgeous. You’re legs are so amazing. Those are the thighs a man could get lost in. That ass has me wondering how many ways I can bounce my hips off it. Those t**s, mmmm, squish them together and I can glide right between them. That belly, oh I have something to grab when I pound into you, and believe me, I will. Your mouth, s**t, I cannot wait to find out what it can do, other than talk s**t. And those eyes. Those eyes haunted my dreams last night. I’ve never seen anything like them. They’re exquisite. How can you have green eyes with blue specks? I just want to stare at them all day, so please don’t cut yourself down.”

I’m speechless. I don’t have words to say back to him.

“Yeah, babe I’m not innocent. Is that what you wanted to hear? I was so happy when you walked by that mirror I thought about staring and screaming all at the same time. I hoped you’d drop something.”

Now I’m laughing. “What did I have to drop?”

“Your panties.”

“Goodnight Andrew. Talk to you tomorrow?”

“Goodnight Emma. Talk to you tomorrow. I cannot wait.”