Everything I Need

Part 10

Her mom clicks her tongue and then shuffles up the bed until she can sit beside her. She reaches to stroke Shela’s hair. Her hands press surely and encouragingly and there’s a part of Shela that doesn’t want to give her mom this power back yet because she’s not sure if she trusts her with it. But it’s inherent, this need for comfort from the broken woman beside her. Shela thinks she might get it, this forlorn, thick feeling of being lost that kept her mother from her for so long. She thinks she might understand what could make someone lose who they are completely.

It scares her enough to give in and finally bury her head in her mother’s chest after so many years of not wanting to.

“You’ll figure it out,” her mother whispers once she’s got over the shock. Shela aches when she kisses the top of her head. “You always do.”

//

“You’re sick,” Jackie tells her, two days before she’s due to return to school.

Charlotte feels like there isn’t a muscle in her body that doesn’t hurt, that her nose will never know oxygen again, that the constant need to cough will never stop.

She also knows that being sick is not something she can afford right now. She feels betrayed by her own immune system for putting her at risk after so many years of being able to fight off anything.

“Shut up,” she hisses as she falls to lay sideways on Jackie’s couch. “I’m fine.”

Jackie clicks her tongue and tries to touch her forehead. Charlotte slaps her hand away and glares. “Charlotte.”

“I’m fine. I just need some Theraflu and maybe some NyQuil or something, I don’t know…” Her eyes flutter as she lets her body sink further into the couch cushions. “I’m fine. I’m fine. It’s just a cold.”

She’s sure that it only feels as horrible as it does because she’s not used to it. She hasn’t had a cold since she was really young and her immune system wasn’t like an iron fortress. She doesn’t know why she’s getting a cold now all of a sudden but it’s enough for Jackie to frown at her on the morning she’s supposed to be heading back to school and tell her that she’ll drive her back.

Charlotte tries to refuse but Jackie pretty much packs her bags and puts them in the car. She’s not sure if the movement of the car is soothing but she’s glad when Jackie pulls into the parking lot by her dorm. She helps her up to her room and Charlotte winces a little that Shela’s already there. Jackie puts her bags next to her bed as Charlotte falls into the pillows. She already feels better and only opens her eyes when she hears Shela speak.

“Hi, I’m Shela,” she says stepping closer.

“Jackie. Charlotte and I grew up together,” Jackie says politely. She has that tone that they all have, treading lightly because they’re not sure what people know. “She has a cold and it’s completely knocked her on her ass.”

“I’m fine,” Charlotte mutters but she doubts they believe her because she’s already falling asleep.

Jackie pushes her hair back and leans over to press a lazy kiss to the top of her sweaty forehead. “I’ll see you soon, kid. Promise you’ll actually call this time.”

Charlotte nods but they both know she won’t. She hears Jackie say a polite goodbye to Shela and then the room lapses into silence. She feels Shela hovering around by the foot of her bed and Charlotte ignores it because she’s too exhausted to do anything else.

“Can I get you anything?” she whispers eventually.

Charlotte shakes her head and turns over without a word.

//

It’s been two and a half days and Charlotte hasn’t said anything to her. She’s been asleep for most of them but she still hasn’t said anything. She just sleeps and lies on her bed and Shela doesn’t know what to do. She doesn’t know what to say to make everything okay.

She’s sure that most of it is probably because Charlotte’s sick but there’s also a part of Shela that wonders if Charlotte’s just really good at holding a grudge.

When she watches Charlotte drag herself out of bed on Monday looking like death just threw up on her, she also wonders if it’s because Charlotte is incredibly stubborn.

“You shouldn’t go to class,” Shela tries to tell her but it’s no good. Charlotte goes to shower and comes out looking a hundred times better than she did. She doesn’t give Shela a second glance and grabs her books as she heads out the door.

It makes Shela feel like she’s been slapped in the face but she decides to try again when Charlotte comes back after her class anyway.

Shela finds her when she comes back to grab a book. Charlotte’s laid on her bed, obviously trying to grab a nap between classes, but all she can do is cough instead. Her voice is hoarse and her cheeks are red. Shela leans down to check if she’s okay and tries not to feel hurt when Charlotte rolls away from her.

“It’s just a cold,” Charlotte croaks when Shela ignores her attempts to scare her away and presses the backs of her fingers to Charlotte’s forehead.

Shela hushes her and holds her head still when she tries to move. “You have a fever. A slight one but a fever nonetheless.”

“I’m fine,” Charlotte coughs, finally shoving her away. “I’m fine. I can look after myself.”

There’s a bite to her voice that has Shela retreating. She reluctantly heads to class without another word and tries not to worry about her the whole time. Charlotte isn’t there when she comes back and Harper tells her later that she saw her in the library, sharing her germs with everyone else. She hates that it worries her and she doesn’t think twice before heading to the dining hall once Harper leaves. She gets a cup of soup and asks for some hot water and dry toast to go with it.

Charlotte’s in a corner all by herself when she gets there, mid-cough as her face looks paler than Shela’s ever seen it. She doesn’t ask permission or even say hello before she grabs Charlotte’s bag and finds a packet from the box of Theraflu she watched her put in there this morning. Charlotte looks up at her angrily and Shela ignores her as she puts the soup and toast in front of her.

“Eat,” she demands as she stirs the Theraflu and places it in front of her. “All of it. Because I can’t stop you from going to school, but I can make sure you’re at least trying to look after yourself.”

Charlotte looks up at her and shakes her head. Her jaw quirks and Shela tries to remain steadfast as Charlotte looks like she’s about to bite her head off.

“You worry about you, Shela,” she hisses, breathlessly. “And I’ll look after myself.”

She gathers her things and stomps away. Shela watches her leave before gathering up the food and tossing it in the trash.

Each night, she listens as Charlotte tosses and turns until dawn and struggles to sleep. She listens to her cough and whimper with struggled movements. She listens to her wheeze like her body’s about to give in during the short periods of rest she manages to get. She wishes she could do something, wishes she could stop Charlotte from being so stubborn, wishes she could make sure she looks after herself.

She wishes that Charlotte would just let her in.

//

Charlotte thinks she’s starting to feel better. She’s coughing less and her body doesn’t ache as much. Her cold is pretty much gone and she feels relieved because it’s been over a week and she never knew someone could be sick so long.

She feels even more relieved that she was still able to manage going to class everyday.

For a while there, she was worried that she’d miss school, that she’d lose participation and attendance points. She was worried that her scholarship would end up in jeopardy and she’d have no idea what she’d do. The last five days have possibly been some of the worst of her life.

“You look better,” Shela says as she comes out of the shower. Charlotte’s packing her books into her bag and breathing easier, purely for the fact that it’s Friday and she gets to rest the entire weekend. “When’s your last class today?”

It’s something that Shela’s asked her every day this week, like there isn’t two schedules pinned to the wall still. Charlotte knows she’s checking up on her, making sure she knows where she is at all times, and that’s why she never answers. Today, however, she doesn’t feel like making Shela guess.

“I finish at six-thirty,” she says, her voice still gravely and thick. Shela looks up at her in surprise. “And I have every intention of being in bed by seven. So if you’re planning on going out and partying tonight, please respect that.”

She tries to ignore the simultaneously hurt and amused look that crosses Shela’s face. She shakes her head out the corner of Charlotte’s eye and Charlotte swallows thickly, even as she tightly grits her jaw.

“It’s okay, Charlotte,” she murmurs. “I have no intention of going anywhere tonight. You’ll have to suffer my presence but I promise I won’t ruin your beauty sleep.”

She leaves a second later and Charlotte’s still too tired to think or feel anything at all.

Her Friday morning classes are long and hard. She’s pretty sure her professor has the heating off because it’s freezing cold or maybe it’s broken because the room becomes stiflingly hot a while later. She shivers against the feeling of it and barely gets anything done because she’s too preoccupied with the irregularity of her body temperature. It probably doesn’t help that it’s cold and ready to snow outside either. The sharpness of the air makes it difficult for her to breathe and she practically collapses into a chair in the library once she gets there. She lays on one of the sofas on the second floor and tries not to fall asleep as she finishes the reading for her next class. It’s uncomfortable because it feels like there’s a damn elephant sitting on her chest and she starts coughing only to find the grossest looking stuff coming out of her.

It makes her hurt and she props herself up to give herself a pep talk, reminding herself that she just has two more classes this afternoon until she can go back to bed. Her body is already aching again and she tries not to whimper in disappointment that maybe she isn’t as better as she first thought.

The truth of that underestimation doesn’t become clear to her until she stands up and instantly feels lightheaded. Her chest suddenly aches and she only manages to make it halfway to her class before she’s breathing unsteadily and needs to sit down. It takes her ten minutes of sitting there to feel like she can get up and she’s almost late to a class for the first time in her college career. Her professor doesn’t even look annoyed, but concerned instead. Charlotte sits in the back and spends most of the time with her hand pressed to her chest as she tries not to fall asleep.

By the time the class finishes, all she really feels is scared. She can’t stop coughing, can’t stop feeling like she can’t breathe as her body shakes and shivers, cold and hot and achy all at once. She’s not sure if she’ll make it to her next class but she gives herself the same pep talk, tells herself that it’s just one more hour before she can go back to her dorm and find Shela.