Sleeping With The Moon Goddess

Panic Attack

We all woke up early and had breakfast together before Aiden left for the office and Damien, Ian and I left for Stone Creek. It’s just over a five-hour drive and we were hoping to make it there around noon. I mostly sat quiet in the back listening to Ian and Damien talk, they spent some time reminiscing about their childhood and growing up together.

I used to think my dad was pushy when it came to learning how to fight, but it sounds like that is what their entire childhood revolved around. Fighting, training, working out and then doing it all over again until they were exhausted only to be pushed to do it some more. The images of a young Damien and Ian being pushed to that extreme, broke my heart.

“Can I ask you guys something?”

“Of course, baby girl.” Damien says, flashing me a smile from the rearview mirror.

“The kind of training that Ian did with me, learning to get rid of the physical pain and give it to your wolf. When did you guys learn how to do that?”

Damien and Ian gave each other a look and I’m sure my question triggered a not-so pleasant memory. “You don’t have to talk about it” I add, feeling slightly guilty for prying into a sensitive topic.

“No, it’s ok, you can always ask us anything.” Damien says. He gives Ian a look and nods, letting Ian know that he can answer.

“We had just turned 14 and . . .” Ian started.

I couldn’t help but interrupt, “That’s so young!”

“Well, I killed my first rogue when I was 12”, Ian replied, like it was just a normal part of their life, fighting and killing from such a young age. I pictured my own life growing up and my heart hurt for them, but I didn’t reply, I just let him continue.

“So, Damien and I were sparring and, as usual, our fathers were there. They were the two who really pushed us, and they said that it was time that we truly learned how to fight. As we were fighting, they kept ordering us to fight harder. We would fight hard but we had learned enough control that we wouldn’t break each other.”

“At one point, they had Damien stop and just stand still while they ordered me to break several of his bones. It was a long day until he figured it out.”

“Hey, you weren’t any quicker” Damien said, almost laughing about it.

“I wasn’t saying I was”, Ian defended with a chuckle.

I couldn’t believe they were joking about this, being forced into severely hurting each other by their fathers all to make them better warriors. They were children! It was hard for me to wrap my head around. I guess that is why they were known by most for their fighters.

“The next time we fought, it was my turn. They had us fight this way until we both had mastered it. The next summer we taught Aiden.”

“That’s horrible.” I couldn’t help it; it just came out of my mouth.

“Maybe to most, but for our pack growing up, it was our way of life.” Damien said, looking over at Ian.

“Well, that explains why you guys are so built”. That made them both laugh “I mean damn, you guys are each like the size of two Alphas put together!”

“Awww, don’t tell us we’re too much muscle for you baby girl?” Damien said in a joking manner.

“Oh, hell no!” I was quick to reply, making them laugh even harder. “Trust me, I could look at you both naked all day.” I leaned forward and gave them both a kiss on the cheek, “I guess I just never really thought much as to what it took for you guys to get this way?”

“A lot of hard work, with no days off. But honestly, we wouldn’t change it.” Ian turned around to look at me again, “because it brought us to you; and if we can help keep you safer because of it, then it was all worth it.”

“Is that how you’re going to want to raise your son?” My question surprised even me when it left my lips. We hadn’t really talked about pups much at all, but I couldn’t help but wonder.

The car swerved slightly as Damien jerked the wheel, clearly my question surprised them just as much as me, but the more I thought about it, the more questions I started having. Damien and Ian both looked at each other, both unsure how to answer.

Were they having the same questions and thoughts that I did? I know they have accepted Ian as a mate, but how did pups fit into that? Would Damien and Aiden only want a pup that came from their line as an Alpha? Usually, we could only get pregnant when we were having our heat, so when I’m in heat would they keep Ian away so that he couldn’t be the father? It’s rare to get pregnant outside of one’s heat but it can happen. Would they even accept a pup from Ian? How would we even know who the father is? Would they be ok not knowing?

I hadn’t realized that I had been hyperventilating with a mini panic attack. I couldn’t hear them calling out my name, I was too overwhelmed by the plethora of questions invading my mind. Next thing I knew, the back door was swung open, and Ian had grabbed me and pulled me out of the car that had since stopped on the side of the road.

“Breathe baby, just breathe. It’s ok.” Ian was whispering into my ear as he held me.

“How do pups fit into all of this?!” I blurted out to Ian, unable to contain myself.

Ian continued to stroke my hair and my back, helping me to calm down. I looked up at him, my eyes still pleading, waiting for an answer. “I don’t know,” he finally admitted, and I could tell that he was just as unsure as I was about his future role in our life, “I can’t speak for them.” He looked up at Damien who I realized was standing right behind me. I turned to look at him and he opened his arms, gesturing for me to come to him, and I did.

I buried my face in his chest, breathing him in. All the questions that had been circulating through my mind came out rapid fire and muffled as I cried into his t-shirt.

“I’ll be honest, I haven’t thought much about pups, or the future. I’ve been too focused on the now. But I can tell you one thing baby girl”, Damien put his hand under my chin and forced my chin up so that way he could look into my eyes, “We all love you, so much. Aiden needs to be a part of this too, so when we get back, we can all sit down and talk about this and together we will figure everything out. Okay?”

I simply nodded; I didn’t dare risk trying to speak for fear that what tears were already running down my cheeks would turn into full on sobs. I did not give Damien and Aiden enough credit. I had never known any man, let alone an Alpha, to be as understanding and kind as they were to me and every time I questioned them, they proved themselves again and again that their love for me was unconditional.

I reached up and threw my arms around Damien’s neck and whispered how much I loved him in his ear.

“I love you too, baby girl.” He then looked at Ian, “Would you mind driving the rest of the way?”

“Not at all”, Ian kissed my cheek and then walked around the car and got in the driver's seat, letting Damien help me into the back seat where he got in beside me and pulled me tight against his lap; holding me for what was left of the drive.

I didn’t bring up pups again but instead asked them more about their lives growing up together. I enjoyed listening to them talk, it was obvious they had a strong brotherly bond from a very young age.

“We always did everything together” Ian said, finishing a story about a time they got in trouble together at a*****e.

“Did you guys ever share women?” I realized I was changing the topic slightly, but if I was already asking all sorts of personal questions I might as well keep it going.

“Once”, Ian said after Damien didn’t answer for a few seconds. The way he said it made it sound like there was a story behind it, probing my curiosity.

“Just once? What happened?”

Damien looked down at me, studying my face for a moment, “Do you really want to know?”

“Yes” I answered honestly.

“This is all you, Damien” Ian threw out.

Damien sighed, “Thanks for that buddy”. He shot back at Ian before turning back to me.

“We were young and, as you put it earlier, we were well built from a young age. One night we were out at a party and this she-wolf was making it known that she wanted the both of us. We brought her back to my place and things slowly got out of hand. We were raised to be violent and while we knew how to control ourselves during sparring, so we didn’t kill one another, we never really learned how to be anything other than what we were trained for.” Damien looked down, a haunted expression on his face.

“We were both too rough with her, we hurt her. Pretty bad. We ended up taking her to the hospital that night.” I noticed that Ian’s grip on the steering wheel tightened, his knuckles becoming white listening to Damien talk. “I refused to touch another woman until I learned how to control myself and we decided that it wasn’t safe for both of us to take women together.”

“But you both have been with me?”

“We’ve learned a lot since then baby girl,” Damien said as he kissed the top of my head.

“We’re here”, Ian announced, changing the subject.