Flames and Feathers Book 1

Acceptance

Morgan had to see if Lilly could make any progress with the help of her doctors, now that she had been taken out of her elements.

With a change of scenery and new opportunities for a better life, we were both hoping that with medical treatments available, my mother might have a chance at learning to cope with her depression and finally be able to move on with her life.

Lilly sat by the window tightly gripping a picture of her family, our smiling faces frozen in time, Dad wore a blue button down dress shirt, mom was in a beautiful pink sundress, and I still had pigtails.

Those were much happier times then, when we were all just a family, living each day as it were like any other. We never would have known that in just a short year latter, daddy would be ripped from our lives forever, in only a matter of a few precious moments. Those were all mere memories now.

Mama, was staring out half opened window of her small scantly decorated bedroom. She only been in the group home for about a week now, so there were no signs of improvement yet. She was beginning to forget about everything around her and purposely letting life and days pass her by.

A seemly kind nurse with blond hair and a sweet smile, watched over her from through a wide open doorway. None of the homeowners in the building had any locks on their doors, as they were free to roam the whole household, no area was off limits. Everyone who lived at Evergreen Ridge, was treated as though the were a poisoner, this was their home. Nurses and docs were on site to keep an eye out of course just incase a patient got out of hand or needed individual care. Lilly was one that had to be on full watch, she refused to eat, bath, drink, she'd lost all will to live, and for safety, she was watched closely.

Security systems were in place just incase a someone tried to slip out, but chances were very low for something like that happening. Mama wouldn't go to the restroom on her own, her spirt has been broken, and her the spark that once filled her soul was now tainted in darkness. Even if her husband was standing here now I think it might be to late to bring her back, she was lost.

Her personal care giver Shirl, she said it would take time and to not give up on her, just yet but things were looking pretty bleak and until she starting showing improvement, Aunt Morgan refused to let me visit her. I didn't blame her, I'd missed my mother, very much, but the women that resided in my mothers body, was not my mom... She was pretty much dead to me now and had died a long time ago.

Another week went by, and still nothing... Aunt Morgan pleaded with doctors and Nurses at the facility to do something, anything but they all wanted to give Lilly a chance before trying any medical intervention.

" This is pure s**t! " Morgan explained, " Look at her! She might as well be in diapers at this point and put into a nursing home." Morgan pointed at her sister as she stood in the doorway or her room. Shirl , her caregiver and nurse, was in the middle of her room changing her bed sheets. Stopping what she was doing she came and stood by Morgan's side, her expression kind and heartwarming.

A dimple on her right cheek sparked to life, as she smiled, " Sweetie, you've got to give your sister a chance, she is fighting something inside her head. Sometimes they can find their way out of the maze and sometimes they can be trapped forever, but I have hope Lilly will make it back. " She patted Morgan on the arm, trying to show her compassion. " I have faith your sister will make it, I will pray for the both of you, that things will work out."

" Isn't there anything we can do to speed up the process? Her daughter misses her and I refuse to bring her here, I don't want her to see her like this." Morgan threw her hands up in the air, she felt defeated and at a loss.

This was her older sister, she's always looked up to her as a child, they might have only been half sisters but she loved her like no other. She was the strong one, why … was this happening?

" You do have power of attorney correct?" Asked the sweet nurse.

Morgan nodded.

" Well then, you are fit to make her medical decisions, she obviously is not in sound mind. I would advise you, to talk with her doc, Mr. Stevens, he can give more information and talk with you about other treatment options that are available. " Nurse Shirl, smiled as she went back to changing the bed sheets.

A psychiatrist began seeing her on a regular basis and she was put on a strong anti-depressant among a few other prescriptions I could not pronounce.

Mr. Steven's seemed to actually be able to get through to her, when no one else could. Subtle changes occurred at first, instead of sitting at the window she actually began walking around her room. Then in the next few days, she started exploring the interior of her home and making small talk with employees.

By the end of the week Lilly was beginning to be more receptive to the tasks asked of her, she was finally starting to make real progress.

Her medical team could not be more happier to find that she was starting to come back to the land of the living. It was an answered prayer, Nurse Shirl had been right, she just needed alittle time to find her way out.

The next week, things began to take a turn in a weird direction, Lilly started talking to the others residents. in the complex. She became obsessed with conversations about angels, demons, heaven, hell, and then the voices came. The Doctors couldn't explain it, she was on so many medications, they had no idea which one was causing delusional episodes. They reassured her sister it was only a reaction to a recent med change and would have no ill lasting effects.

" You assured me, my sister would get better ! " Aunt Morgan blurted out a worried growl into the telephone she held in her outstretched hand. She had it speaker, she assumed I was still asleep otherwise she would never done it. Laying in my bed, blanket tucked under my chin, I pretended to lie still, eye shut.

We were staying in a hotel for awhile, an older couple bought my childhood home and now we were seemingly homeless. We were only about thirty mins outside the tiny town where mama new home was. Aunt Morgan wanted to stay close for the time being until we knew mother was getting better, then she would give her a choice.

She could either stay or come with us to Washington, start fresh, and slowly find her way back into the ways of life. It would be her choice in the end, with everything she had been through, her doctors thought it would be best for her to be around family, if she were to leave the protective walls of the institute.

" I am sorry, Miss Griffin! We are doing everything we can to..".

Morgan interrupted, " That isn't good enough." Letting out a loud sigh, she continued, " Please just, let me know if things get better. " Aunt Morgan practically slammed the phone down, that made my fake sleeping act completely fall apart. I flung myself into a seated position, and stared at my aunt with concern. I didn't dare say a word, my aunt looked upset and I didn't want to add to the fire.

Lilly's doctor's frantically tried to find a diagnosis for her very odd behavior, as she continued to get better but her behavior more strange and erratic.

Lilly began describing in rather great detail how these evil voices were whispering in her ears and they were calling for her, chanting her name.

" So Mrs. Ellis, you say there are creatures talking to you. What do they tell you, have they shown their true form to you yet? Are they human, Lilly? " Asked Mr. Steven's, in one hand was a pad of paper, in the other, a black ball point pen, tightly in the other.

He was a hansom man, his hair full of salt and pepper, cut short and clean at the ears. He wore a more casual attire of blue jeans and a sea foam green t shirt. His face had a full thick bead of hair and his green eyes focused on Lilly's dim mucky blue.

Lilly's face turned red as she held the all familiar picture of her families frozen smiling faces upturned and facing the wooden beamed ceiling of the living room of the facility. It used to be a overly large Victorian style home. The ceilings had exposed beams of beautiful dark wood. The house was remodeled to fit the residents but kept the old world flare.

Lilly twirled her forefinger in a piece of golden hair that had fallen out of her makeshift ponytail. Her voice was shy and soft, nothing it had been before the breakdown.

" They are not of this world, I can tell you that. They want me to come home, say this was not where I belong anymore." She said calmly but very quietly, her voice was was alittle muffled do to her right hand clutching the picture now close to her chest.

" They, seem to know me, everything about me. " She explained everything she could in every obscure detail, of how their eyes were like black holes, full of colorless emptiness. She talked about how they released her momentarily and it would only be a matter of time before she would not part of this world before long but she wasn't scared. She belonged there, always had...

Most of her active responses were totally outlandish, but at least she was starting to come back to reality, well her reality, which was out of this world, as per what the Psychiatrist's cat scratch notes implied. Mr. Steven's had a long draw out written report sent out through fax. Mr. Brooks replied within the hour, explaining that she was experiencing a form of psychosis that A script was also attached to the report for a medication that could possibly help counter act another medication that could be adding to her obvious delusional hallucinations.

My aunt said she was beginning to come out of “hibernation”. Being stuck inside your own head does things to a person, it messes you up, and it changes you in ways no one can understand, unless you’ve gone through it.

Two weeks flew by, Lilly's medication seem to slow down the " Whispers". She joined a small bible study group, had daily meeting with a therapist, and began talking with a fellow roommate on the second floor.

She called him, Cam, he was a few years old then her, he had had a mental breakdown after being kicked out business he and his family shared. He lost all his money due to playing in all in the stock market scheme. He not only lost the business but all of the money his family had piled up in a back account.

Needless to say, he lost it and ended up in Evergreen Ridge. Lilly assured her sister, he was only a friend and she needed someone to talk to. He was easy to talk to, especially since he hadn't spoken one word in over a year. He only nodded or shook his head, he was a great listener.

Doctor Steven's call my Aunt about a few days into the second week of her being on the new meds and informed her, it would be safe enough to bring down her daughter. He wasn't sure if this new drug, was the fix all end all, but he was hopeful.

The day I finally got to see my mom again, would be sadly be the first in months, and the last.

“Hey honey wake up! I've got some great news.” Morgan was standing at my bedside as my eyes lids fluttered opened. A big smile appeared on her face as I slowly lifted my arms above my head to yawn.

“Hi! Auntie! What's the good news ?” I giggled as I gave her a soft morning hug, she smiled down at me as she sat down beside me on the bed.

Aunt Morgan pressed a kiss on the very top of my forehead and took my hands in hers.

“Well sweetheart, I just got word Lilly is talking and is excited to see you. You are all she has been talking about. Would that be okay sweetie ?” Aunt Morgan squeezed my hands in reassurance.

" She is really excited! They say she is doing really well honey."

Sweeping the hair from my eyes, I reached my hand up to wipe the tears from Aunt Morgan's cheek. “ I miss her so much! Of course, I want to see her, as long as she actually wants to see me. ” I let a let a tear fall down my left cheek, but Morgan wiped it away as soon as she saw it and softly pulled me against her chest in a hug.

Gently tilting my head up I gave my aunt a kiss on the cheek before wiggling out from underneath her arms.

“Well, let's get you dressed little lady and we will see how it goes.” She picked out a pink skirt for me to wear with a pale white lace top to match.

We drove through town while a soft rock music station played quietly in the background. I watched as light appeared every now and then as we drove through the tree lined streets. The evergreen leaves made an arch over the road which blocked much light from entering. It seemed quite dark even though it was early morning.

Two white kittens payed in the grass beside a huge weeping willow as we neared the house. They were trying desperately to grab hold of the dangling branches. It was adorable, I couldn't help but giggle, I wished I could go play with them. As we approached the concrete walkway their ears darted up. As they saw us they ran out underneath the white wooden fence that led into the backyard.

"Aw, bye my kitty friends" I silently sobbed inside my head. "Boy, I wished I could have petted one of you".

Morgan turned her glacier blue four door sedan, into a long pebble driveway. Parking was onto the left or right of two large brick pavers beside the huge White three story home. It looked like a mansion among the small miniscule buildings down the block. There was a white picket fence surrounding the building, with large trees and bushes of red roses positioned against the fence line. Large boulders sat along a pathway leading up to the front door.

Standing at the front of a big dark wooden door, were stood hand in hand, ready to see mama. A young tall blond lady with a pony tail answered the door. She had beautiful bright blue eyes and a lovely smile. I couldn't help but smile back. Her voice was high pitched and sounded southern, like a cowgirl too, I liked that.

“Hi, there! You must be Emma, how are you sweetheart ? I love your little ruffled skirt darlin. Pink is my favorite color." She smiled down at me, a dimple on her cheek indentation was clearly visible and her eyes were like the sky.

"Your mama is sitting in her bedroom , if you want to head in, you cant miss it, it has a big wide wooden door way, with a beautiful cross hanging from it. She has been waiting for you sweetie." The sweet nurse lady continued to chat with my aunt while I shoveled my feet slowly against the wooden floor below my feet.

Looking across the room, there was a twisty cherry wood spiral staircase in the far right corner. A huge crystal chandelier hung in the very center. It gave off sparkling beams of light along the back stark white walls of the room.

There was a huge bay window in the center of the building, a seating area with tons of colorful pillows sat below the window and a black metal bookcase sat beside the window seat.

The shelves were filled with many different sized books, some old, some new. Between each booklined shelve were some cute ceramic elephant figurines. Possibly someone collected them or just thought they were an added decoration.

I shifted my gaze towards the far end of the front foyer, for my mothers room. There was only a doorway, there was no door.

It was right in the direction I was heading, and just as Nurse Shirl had said , there was a beautiful silver necklace dangling from a decorative batch of silk pink roses, which were attached to the very top of the wooden door frame.

I looked up at the dangling sparkling piece of jewelry as I passed through, it was a cross in-laid with tiny chocolate diamonds, with a moon and stars hanging at the edge.

It was a peculiarly odd piece, if I had ever seen one, but it was gorgeous.

I shuffled my feet as if to slow myself down, anxiously fumbling with my skirt. I brushed my fingers nervously against the wood grains in the doorframe, finding anyway to linger, avoiding going any further.

I was kind of scared and a tickly prickly feeling ran down the back of my spine, to the very tip of my toes. The need to run away and never look back, hit me hard but I ignored the strange feelings, and urged my subconscious to be quiet, to push my feet to move forward.

There was a weird smell in the air that I could not quite put my finger on and there was a slight breeze blowing through an slightly opened window in the corner of room.

Lilly was siting on the edge of a queen sized bed, a baby blue crochet blanket covered her knees. She looked like she had aged another two years.

Beside the bed, was a small nightstand with a silver framed picture of us, as a family. Beside the bed, sat a wooden rocking chair with a pastel purple fluffy blanket thrown atop the back of it. A green corduroy loveseat sat on the far end of the room, sitting on the arm of it was a tan stuffed teddy bear I bought her a month ago, she still had it.

The room was sparsely decorated but is suited mothers sense of style, quaint and plain.

Lilly turned to look at me as I walked in, her muddy blue eyes locked on mine and the tears welled up.

The light that had once filled her was beginning to flicker back to life, her soul that had once been held shackled with heavy chains, were starting to lift, It was mama, she was back.

I ran into her arms pressing my face into her chest, my tears falling hard soaking into her white cotton shirt.

Mom kissed the top of my head several times before running her fingers through my thick golden hair. It was her way of making me feel comforted, and I missed it so much, I missed her so much.

Then I felt mama's soft thin fingers pull up at my chin until my blue grey eyes were looking straight into her own.

“ Baby, I've missed you so much.” She wiped the tears from her face with the back of her hand and kissed me several times on the nose. “I’m so sorry I hurt you, I never wanted to hurt you, I love you so much. Just know your Mama will always love you.” She took my hands in hers and helped lift me up onto the bed with her.

I jumped up with my toes on the floor and landed next to her, the mattress softened under my weight. It was almost too soft for my taste but from the look of mama, she was so frail, she needed the extra softness.

Aunt Morgan was standing just outside the door, silently sobbing into the palm of her hands. She was standing back, giving us some alone time. Time was certainly running short, it would be mere moments before I lost my mother forever.

Time with my mother was very precious, and would cling to her memory for as long for all time.

I reached up to touch my mother’s face and to feel the long golden locks of her silky hair running through my fingertips, to smell the peach soap she used, and feel her heart beat one more time.

I missed her so much and I hadn't t wanted anything more then I wanted to be in this very moment with her.

Mama tucked her chin into the top of my head holding me close to her. I was closer to her then I'd been in years, so close I could hear her the of heart beat against my own.

“Baby I love you, I've always loved you, I hope you know that, you my little Emmy. I want you to know that you will always be my little girl! "

I gulped in air, my eye large, listening to every word she said, not sure where she was going with but so happy she loved me, still loved me.

I have a few things to tell you.. You are not going to understand all of this right now but you need to remember, remember every word. Okay baby? “ She grabbed both my hands and intertwining her fingers with mine, and waited patiently for my response.

“OK, Mama! “ I nodded in approval and understanding, she nodded with me, tears in her eyes.

“You are so young baby, so pure of heart, don't ever loose that my little Emmy ! You need to always keep love in your heart and you will always be ok. Don’t ever let anyone take that away, you need to be strong don't ever stop being my strong little lady ! “ I just nodded in understanding, looking into my mama's teary eyes I finally could see her love for me never faltered, she never stopped loving me, even at her worst.

She kissed my hands multiple times, washing the tears from her eyes with a tissue she had sitting at her side table.

I smiled as I listened to her beautiful voice, soaking in every word, every moment, she had my full attention. Loosing her grip on my hands mama drew in close and alittle to hard.

“There are things out there baby, things that can hurt you in this world. Keep your eyes and ears open, believe no one, the only one you can truly count on, is you. They are things in this world that don't male sense, and there are things out there that we can’t explain. Look around you Emmy and around every corner, and then look again. If you see something or feel scared, run and don't ever look back Emma, promise me baby.” She pleaded with me, her grip becoming to tight, making it hard to breathe, but mumbled " I promise!, against the soft white gown she was wearing.

Pushing against her I tried to loosen her hold on me, only to be pushed into her chest further.

" Mama, I can't breathe!" Gasping, Lilly immediately loosen her grip, her shaky hands pushed me to the side of her. Her eyes were wide, the blues of her irises had evidently melted away.

Her lips trembled, and she mouthed the word "sorry". She looked ashamed.

I stared at her, confused and overwhelmed but nodded, sniffing as I let some tears fall. “ It is okay! " I wiped my nose with the back of the material of my blouse and smoothed my messy hair with my hand.

"Now it's your turn, you promise me, you will never leave me again? “ I inched my body closer to my mother until my head was on her lap.

Lilly ran her fingers nervously through my hair, the way she used to, when I was much younger. It soothed me for the time being. If only it could have lasted just a bit longer, it abruptly ended rather harshly. Without warning, mama's hands turned rough as flicked her fingers and nearly tossed me off the side of the bed. I caught myself, so instead of falling, I ended up sliding down of off the edge, so my feet hit the floor first.

Shock and hurt filled my face, " Why?" was all I could say but it only came out as a whisper.

“Baby, I just,.... I can’t! I won't be in this world much longer. They are coming for me, I knew they would, it was only a matter of time honey. I can hear them, can you? They are coming for me. I can hear them whispering, they say I have to go. I don't want to go baby... but They say I must.!!!!"

" Mama what, who ? " I tried to reach my mama's hand but she pulled back , she would let touch me even get near her. I insisted, as I moved back onto the edge of the bed and gripped her arms in a small hug.

" I don't know how much longer I have. I love you so much; I am so very sorry baby. Don't ever forget! I never stopped loving you.” Her arms stiffened, becoming ridged beneath my weight. My mothers head then drooped to one side, and then her whole body became limp.

The scream that came out of me, was deafening..... Pieces of glass lay at my feet, crying and then there was the utter void of blackness that surrounded me. I could not remember anything past that, I was beneath a void of nothing, everything had gone completely dark.

I woke up in pain, finding myself in the back of Aunt Morgan’s silver station wagon, bags and boxes were packed to the ceiling on each side of me and in the hatchback trunk. I was nudged between pillows, a blanket, and a large brown stuffed Bunny Rabbit, his name was Mr. Bunny. A large bruise was spread out along on my arm, it hurt. I was sore and even more so exhausted, what had happened to me?

Where was my mom?

Morgan watched me through the reflection of her review mirror. She seemed quite distressed but I wasn't quite sure why.

“Auntie Morgan, What's wrong? Is the baby okay? Is baby Kimberly okay? “

I sat up setting my arms out in front of me and rested my chin on the front seat chair back.

“The baby is fine." She patted her tummy, " still cooking. " Shifting in her seat, hand on the steering wheel , she looked behind her shoulder at me before returning her attention to the road.

" I am more worried about you! Are you okay? How are you feeling? You've been asleep a long time Emma. Do you remember anything about what happened the other day sweetheart ?” She adjusted her mirror, trying to keeping her eyes on the road but she was far too concerned about me.

Looking out the car window, I pressed my face against the glass so I can peer out into the dark night, stars blanketed the sky above, nothing but the darkness and the road ahead. Soft music played melancholy melodies and subdued voices. It coaxed me to succumb to its hypnotic tune, yawning into outstretched arms, I laying back into the pillow beside me and fell back asleep.

My dreams were vivid, filled with twinkling stars, musical shapes, rainbows, and butterflies.

My eye lids fluttered before opening to the sun rising above grey storm clouds beginning to fill the sky. Mountains lined the distance road ahead, as the landscape changed dramatically, from rolling plains to mountain peaks and desert cactus.

I scratched the top of my head and pushed my bangs out of my eyes “ Where is mama? Is she okay? Where are we? Need to potty Auntie. ”

She sniffed as if she had allergies, rubbing her nose against the back of her hand she replied “Don’t worry about Lilly, she told me to tell you she loves you very much and to have an amazing life in Washington. I can pull over, we are near Nevada dear."

The car slowed down and pulled over to the side out highway and stopped to standstill. Pulling at my door I hightailed it out near a mesquite bush.

Morgan watched from the widow of her four door wagon, smiling as I returned closing the car door behind me. We were back on the road before I could say a word, I sat between the middle of the front seats, the air-conditioner made my ruffled hair move about. Morgan had been crying, I could tell,

her hazel eyes were blood shot like she'd been crying most the day.