The Wanted Girls

Chapter 4

The worst part is at night, when Nate still reaches for me as I sleep, and pulls me close. Or worse, half-asleep, his hands roam over my body and I feel myself becoming aroused by his touch, despite the turmoil of our lives right now. 

During the day, he barely touches me. In fact, he seems to go to any lengths to avoid any physical contact. Aside from a hand on my arm as he passes me in the kitchen, or a - what I feel is grudging - kiss on the top of my head when he leaves for work or returns, he does not offer any affection. I find myself craving his touch when we sit together on the couch, watching a movie, taking a couple hours to ignore what is happening, and just feel normal for a bit.

I catch him glaring in my direction when he thinks I don't notice. And I think to myself, over and over again, you are an asshole. And yet, I can't help hoping that things will improve and we will be together once more. Together, with our child, and everything unpleasant behind us. 

I hold on to the image of us cuddled up in bed together, our daughter - I imagine a girl, despite feeling only what I can describe as "boy vibes" when I think of the child growing inside me - resting between us, gurgling and kicking and smiling, and our eyes meeting over her tiny, impossibly adorable body, and the joy we would feel looking down at her and thinking, we made this.

And then I have to shake the fantasy out of my head. It hurts too much.

Because in the midst of it all, I still have to drag myself to work. 

My job is not glamourous, but I enjoy it and it pays very good money and I receive excellent benefits. It was a rare spark of joy, after Nate turned his back on me and our unborn child, when I remembered just how generous the maternity benefits are.

I work at a large law firm, doing largely administrative work, but in truth it is just glorified assistant work. I book travel arrangements just as often as I do legal research for the partners, or file with the courts. It isn't exciting, but I enjoy it, and since it rarely takes up any time outside of my regular, 9-to-5 hours, it affords me the time and luxury to pursue private enjoyments, like reading or sewing, or whatever hobby it strikes my fancy to pick up to keep my life interesting.

At work, I also lead a double life. Again, not nearly as glamourous as you might imagine. At least, not compared to my sister Sarah and everything that goes on in her life when she isn't schmoozing at her gallery.

No, my double life is surprisingly trite: everyone knows I am pregnant, no one knows what is going on at home. As soon as I started showing, a little before I was three months pregnant, all the other glorified legal assistants were giddy with excitement and happiness for me, and I played along with them. Booking a morning off for a visit to the OB-GYN, I would effuse about how I was meeting Nate, and we were going to the appointment and then out to a lunch where we would talk and plan the big changes coming towards us. I would gush over how he was being so attentive to my needs, rubbing my back when I had twinges or how, when I had morning sickness in the early weeks, he held my hair back when I vomited and made sure I not only always had a bucket nearby, but he cleaned it out, too, without a single complaint.

"You are sooo lucky," my starry-eyed co-worker, Lydia, would enthuse every time I told her the newest lie about Nate.

"Please tell me you are going to go with something that rhymes with Nate and Kate!" another co-worker said, "it would be too adorable! If it's a little boy, you could call him Tate!"

"And if you're overdue," chimed in someone else, "you can call him, 'late'!"

I joined in the round of laughter at that one, enjoying a rare moment of escape where I let myself feel excited for this new chapter of my life.

The only one who really knows what is going on is my friend Alex. But, he's different. He's not just a co-worker like the others, he is an actual friend. If I ever left this law firm to work anywhere else, our friendship wouldn't fall by the wayside like what happens so often with chummy workmates. In fact, he'd probably up and quit and follow me there, just so we could continue the pleasantness of working together. 

When I first started at Millar and Saulnier LLP, I was doing a co-op placement for my legal administration diploma, and he was an articling student fresh out of law school. Both of us thrown together as I was meant to provide assistance to anyone who needed it, even though I barely knew my way around, and he was looking for anyone to help him out without needing to seem like he needed it. You don't go to your supervising partner when you have no idea how to request copies of data for use in court, you find an assistant who knows just enough to help you get by. In turn, Alex sang my praises to anyone who would listen, and after my co-op placement was over, I was immediately hired full-time based on my glowing reviews. Alex, in turn, was chosen to stay on after his articling - maybe or maybe not with some remarks by me to his supervising partner - and even though I don't work directly for him, he manages every day to find some reason to stop by my desk and request my help.

It was just a few days after I found out that I was pregnant that Alex saw me coming out of the washroom with swollen eyes and a sniffly nose.

"You're doing coke in the office now?" he joked. "Get it together, Kate!"

I couldn't help but grin. As if I would ever do cocaine. 

Well, as if I would ever do cocaine now.

"Quiet you," I chided, playfully swatting his arm. Alex gave an easy-going chuckle.

"No, but for serious." Alex switched his tone from playful to somber and I smirked at his use of "for serious". 

"Is everything okay?" he continued.

Of course, I burst into tears all over again. Alex put his arms around me, and I let my head fall against his chest. 

"Hey, hey, heyyyyyy," he said soothingly. "Shh, hey. It's all right. What's the matter?"

I sniffled and mumbled that I wanted to go back into the washroom and get myself cleaned up. Again.

A few minutes later, I emerged from the ladies' room, looking a little better but not by much.

"Feeling better?" Alex asked. I nodded.

"Good." Alex started moving away from the washroom. "Come on, let's go and get you a glass of water and you can tell me all about it?"

We started walking towards the kitchenette, and once there Alex fetched me a glass of cold water. As I gulped it down he spoke up again.

"So, what's the trouble? Tell ol' Uncle Alex."

I groaned, and gulped more water. I was about to speak when a co-worker, Miranda, wandered in and saw my face.

"Kate! Oh my gosh! Are you okay?" Knowing Miranda, it was less out of concern and more about the possibility of some juicy gossip. Indeed, she followed with, "Ohmigod, what's happened? Tell me everything?"

"Just some bad news, Miranda," Alex spoke for me.

Miranda gave a subdued - for her - gasp. "Did you get fired?" she said in a stage whisper.

I shook my head and drank some more water.

Again, Alex spoke for me. "A dear family friend. Sad, but not unexpected. Still, though..." His trailed off sentence said more than enough. Miranda nodded knowingly. Even Miranda wouldn't press for details in a sensitive situation like - 

"Was it someone you both know?" Miranda asked. "Didn't you two go to high school together? Or something?"

Finally I spoke, "No, nothing like that. We both just started working here at the same time."

Alex added, "I was articling, she was doing her co-op." 

"Ohhhhh, right. Cute story." Miranda looked like she was getting bored now that she knew there was little else to be gleaned from this scene. 

"Well, sorry for your loss, sweetie," she said distractedly, as she grabbed her lunch from the fridge and made for the door. "Ta-ta for now."

Alex and I both instinctively waited a moment before he almost imperceptibly nodded, prompting and encouraging me to speak. 

"It's... well, it's about Nate," I began. 

Alex nodded again, as if saying, go ahead.

"And, well, it's early days yet, I just found out over the weekend... that I'm pregnant." I said the last words in an embarrassed rush.

Alex's expression was difficult to discern. Definitely there was excitement for me, but also, given my less-than-joyful reveal, I saw concern and dismay. 

He's so smart, I thought. He's already put it together.

I waited a moment, and Alex said gravely, "And? I'm just guessing, but... Nate's not thrilled?"

I lowered my head and shook it. "No. He's not. He's leaving me."