Safe now

SAFE NOW

JAZZ

It's freezing out. Mid October,

 id been made to get my coat and shoes on to get get milk, 

my stupid younger sister finished it off, 

knowing damn well that she wouldn't be the one made to go out in the pissing cold

 to get some so dad can have his brew before work in the morning.

 Selfish b***h!

I tried to get out of it and I sulked.

Huffed and then stomped upstairs, defeated.

 I was going to the shop whether I liked it or not.

“You're the oldest it's what you were born for” my mum and dad joked, they are both funny like that.

They're good parents.

 I know people who aren't as lucky as I was in that gamble called life.

They were only young when I was born. 

Practically kids themselves, but they did okay in my book. 

Not to be biased or anything.

My dad is a grafter. 

Works all the hours he can, to provide us with a comfortable life, although sometimes i think work was a welcome break. 

Mum can be a bit nutty at times.

We never wanted for anything, 

but we were taught that nothing comes for free.

You want something then you earn it.

 You do not take what does not belong to you.

My mum, well she is a character, the best woman i know.

 Heart of gold but damn you if you piss her off. 

She’d snap you down with an acid tongue before knocking you out in a punch. 

There was no in between with my mother, 

she either liked you or she didn't. 

She's my best friend.

 I tell her anything and everything, well ok not everything,

 but I'm fourteen, there's nothing to tell.

I've been given my list, and stepped out into the dark October night.

Again it's flippin freezin. 

The shop is only round the corner, 

ill be there and back in ten minutes.

I'd done this little jaunt many times, 

I just had to go through that pitch black alley with the garages.

 For some reason the council deemed it appropriate to leave the eerie walk way without lighting.

 It takes thirty seconds to walk it but man are you holding your breath.

Its scary as f*****g s**t!

I borrow deep into my cool jacket my mum bought me last week, 

Well I think it's cool, don't care about anyone else.

 And brace myself.

I'm in. 

jeez it's dark tonight. 

Head down.

 I can't see a thing until I almost walk right into it. 

Him.

 a man stood in my path, he swayed, obvious that hes been on the sauce. 

I go to swerve, he swerves with me

 i'm not dancing pal its cold. 

I swerve the other way, he follows,

 what the f**k! 

Dude there's a Aero waiting with my name on it!

 I look up and he's definitely drunk.

 It's dark.

 I'm alone.

 He laughs.

 There's voices…. 

Phew…. 

Pisspot goes on his way

. I breathe again to see my best friends brother Leighton and his mate,

 who i don't know. 

“Jazz, what are you doing hiding in the alley?” leighton follows the drunk with his eyes, 

“you okay?”

He's my best friend Amelia's big brother, he's Sixteen, and fairly good looking,

 for your best friend's brother. 

The lad he's with looks older maybe that's because he's taller than leighton…. 

Now he was good looking, and not like your best friend's brother…

“Yeah, I'm good.” 

i'm trying to stay cool,

 little fourteen year old me wanted to impress this stranger.

 “Just going shop.” i rolled my eyes,

 i knew leighton had been doing the late night shop dash for years,

 with him being the eldest in his family.

“You want us to come? In case anymore alchis are about?” the stranger asks

, how chivalrous. 

I want to impress him more.

“Nah i'm okay… anymore and i'll just kick em in nuts” 

I say that and I mean it. 

Stand up for myself.

 Always have. Always will.

They both laugh and leighton grabs the strangers shoulders 

“ dude shes not lying, 

I once watched her knee Zac Connors in his nads for grabbing her ass by accident…

 was the funniest..”

 The stranger looks at me with eyes wide.

 Im proud that i stand my ground,

 fair enough zac did not deserve that knee in his groin

 but i thought he'd acted inappropriately…. 

So I kneed him in the balls….

“Well we best go check on the sleazeball that just walked away then…” the stranger laughs. “Im Trey…. 

Mates call me Webber though….”

 they both left laughing about my ninja skills and I went for my aero…..

Fast  forward twenty years……

The alarm is blaring, 

steam everywhere. 

Stuff everywhere, 

kids screaming,

 alarm shrieking

“SHUT!THE f**k!UP”

 I scream.

 To the alarm.

 To the burning pans. 

To the kids. 

Yeah not my finest moment.

I'm a thirty two year old single mum of two gorgeous and loud girls. 

Taylah-leigh and Keira-Jo. Eleven and eight.

They are my heart and soul, 

my universe,

 I adored them.

They were also the cause of my rising blood pressures and creeping migraine. 

They bickered, non stop!

I've raised these munchkins on my own since Tay was five and Kee was two.

 I had to get us out of that house and their father

, grade A psycho. 

I still had to deal with him, the joy of kids,

 but I tried my best to have as little contact as possible.

The kids stop dead, 

I take the pans of the stove and waft the fire alarm.

 Wanting to rip the thing from the roof but safety and all that.

“I'm sorry girls, I shouldn't have shouted. 

Get your things away and get ready. 

Tea be done soon”

 I hope I can salvage the steaming pans…

 oh well.

The door goes, I'm not waiting on anyone. 

Wonder who it is.

I'm in my cookie monster pjs, red sports bra with my cookie monster vest over, 

hair looked and felt like it hadn't seen a brush in a couple of days,

 it was stuck up in a scruffy mum bun.

 Don't act like you don't know what i mean.

 I was having a slob mum day. 

I opened the door and there stood the perfect specimen of a man.

I looked at his face again and stark realisation hit me.

Hotty was him.

Stranger was him.

Trey….. Webber….

Shit

 I hadn't seen him in almost five years.

 Not since that drunken night. 

I had a party phase after getting rid of the shitstain,

 and Trey Webber happened to bump into me

 on one of those rather drunken adventures.

And that is one adventure I will never forget….

Trey fuckin Webber is standing at my door…

. And I look like s**t.

Webber

Of all f*****g days for me to get a piece of s**t hire car,

 today had to be the day.

I wanted to get back home, 

The flight had been a b***h. 

Sixteen hours travelling, 

seven of those in a Chinook with seventeen, grouchy,

 sweaty ball sacks.

My regiment had four weeks leave, after doing a six month stint in Afghan.

 Longest tour for some of my newbies.

Me, well i've been doing this almost twenty years,

 but the commute to work could be a pain.

I'm a Sergeant in The British Army. The SRR.

So from cold bitter North of England to Afghanistan or Belize is a royal nuisance.

I normally don't actually come home..home. 

When I have leave.

Nothing in that little dingy village, in the middle of s**t city, 

but I had to.

My sister is getting married,

 the fool that she is. 

Don't get me wrong her fella is top end husband material,

I know that for fact.

 I've known Leighton since I was fourteen.

And Jess was head over heels, puke in a bucket in love with him.

 I just think marriage is for morons.

Who needs a piece of paper to say you love someone?

Or a legal document to state who gets your crap when you're gone.

When I'm gone, 

my wife,

nooo... partner….

 will get the lot no matter what a piece of paper says.

I look around and all I can see is the little lonely farm house, 

It looks homely and inviting.

As I get closer I see the garden is full of girls toys.

 Prams and dolls. 

An outdoor house and scooters. 

It's a home with children,

Great. 

I only need to borrow their phone to ring Leighton to come grab me.

My stupid phone died half way over the Atlantic. 

I knock and stand back.

I'm wearing my khaki army pants and my grey training shirt. 

Comfiest clothes to travel in. 

we travel light so not much choice in outfits.

I hear noise…. 

Shouting…

 alarms….

Fuck its a mad house ill just walk.

Then she opens the door, 

Cookie monster staring right at me.

Hair gathered on her head all crazy,

 sexy and shock in her eyes.

I'd not seen her in years.

 Not Since she got smashed at Amelia's 25th birthday party.

She was so f*****g sexy that night…. 

I got the best blow job of my f*****g life in the bathroom at that party.

Cookie monster she certainly was.

And here she is again…..

Looking a hot f*****g mess.

“ i can wait in my car, 

it's no bother ''

 I can see she is uncomfortable,

 keeps running her hand through her mass of red locks.

“No course not.

 You wanna drink whilst you wait for Leighton?” she smiles and doesn't wait for my reply,

 she turns and goes into the kitchen,

She hands me a bottle of lager….

 I didn't take her as a lager drinker.

 More a s*x on the beach cocktail.

Unless she had remarried whilst i've been away,

and these are his beers. 

But I would have heard if she had. 

 It has been six years though.

“Muuuuum… tell her! She's annoying me,,,,” a little blonde gets Jazz’s attention and she rolls her eyes. 

She has the look of a mum now i look at her properly. 

The tired edge round her eyes now she has other people to worry about other than herself.

 I get it myself, especially if I like the newbies. 

She has two girls and is divorced, 

i know this because Amelia tells Jess and Jess fills me in with her ten page essays whilst i'm away. 

That's why she was so hammered that night. 

Celebrating her freedom whilst mourning her marriage.

I'm ashamed i let it go as far as it did with her being so intoxicated,

 but i wasn't far behind her. 

And f**k it was good.

“Listen, kee my friend here,

 is waiting on uncle Leighton,

 his car broke,

 here's your tea,

 go sit and eat and give your mama bear ten minutes of peace.

 Can you do that honey pie? She strokes her daughter's cheek, as she speaks to her so sweetly,

 but as an adult i knew she was basically saying

 get the f**k out and give me a break. Diplomacy.

I had it when the company bickered and I had to get out the big boy vocabulary and stick my size elevens up their arses.

“ yeah course mum… 

looks well good, thanks…. 

Oh hi Sir”

 the sweet cherub addresses me with the correct formality,

 not that i imagine she knows that.

“Hey blondie, looks good right!” I nod at her plate as she smiles and leaves.

Jazz drinks her bottle, 

not taking her eyes from me.

JAZZI can't believe he's sat in my kitchen, 

with his mouth round my beer.

He looks good, yet he always had.

Ever since I saw him that day in the dark and s**t scary alley.

I've been tuned to how gorgeous he is.

He's six foot 3 maybe 4,

 muscles that covered his body, 

if i remember rightly.

Dark brown cropped hair, almost black and the deepest brown eyes 

you can melt in. 

they are like the s*x and chocolate of the eye world.

His lips are full, plump and god damn delicious, 

even when they tasted of jagermeister and cigarettes.

I shiver with the hazy flashbacks.

Fuck i was hammered that night!

“Cute kid!” he pulled me away from the bathroom at the party in my head.

“Yeah, i've done alright when it comes to those two. 

Best thing to come out of this s**t show of my life” i say honestly.

It hasn't been a walk in the park, 

i'll tell you that for free.

I've had my fair share of bad luck and disasters.

And that's just my non existent love life.

He laughs and looks around my modest little farm house.

I loved this place, it was secluded and mine.

My gran left it to me when she went to the pearly gates.

She had set me up for life, had granny Glenda.

“Doesn't look too much of a shitshow to me…

 great kids, gorgeous home,

 and that's what it feels like, jazz, a home. 

You're kids adore you….

 And you wear sexy as hell pyjamas at four in the afternoon” he's belly laughing now and I'm unsure as to whether he is complimenting me or mocking me.

“Ha! Yeah my homes my home i love it, 

my kids are my kids, i more than love them,

 there's no words to describe that feeling…. 

But the ermm pjs, well they're four years old and I wear them on my period…. 

But thanks for seeing their potential” i couldn't stop myself quipping back at him.

It's that gleam in his eye, challenging me.

Wonder if he's after a kick in the balls …. Masochist!

Hes stood right in front of me glaring down,

 laughter in his eyes.

“Hey soldier boy”

 I placed my hand on his chest…

Fuck its solid…

And gently shove him away..

“Personal space dude….ha” 

There's that challenge in his eye..

“You want me in where?

 Did you just say?” he raises his eyebrow, and winks.

Shit… no… yes… no…. Men are off limits forever!

After shitstain and all the pain.

 I refuse to be another mans punchbag and s*x slave again.

The door opens,

 Leighton and Amelia are there.

I squeeze each of them in turn.

“Hey guys, it's been a minute…

 you good?”

At that second Taylah and Kiera run and jump on Leighton giggling and hugging.

“Mama friend's car broke….

 He's been doing something in her personal space” keira tugs on Leightons arm as she explains why Webber is in our kitchen,

 but i didn't know she was eavesdropping.

Everyone laughs as I shake my head.

“Gotta love kids!”

 I sigh, holding in my smile.

Webber

My home,

 The home I grew up in is heaving.

My sister hugged me for ages when I arrived. 

Then fluttered off in a flurry of wedding preparations.

Leighton had gone straight back to the tasks she had set him..

Bridezilla my sis, always been neurotic.

 She even writes it in her weekly catch up letters and care packages.

It’s always been me and her and she worries about me more than both our parents combined.

I love seeing her in love.

And I absolutely adore how Leighton knows what he’s in for and he doesn’t give a s**t!

Good man!

I’m in my old room, nothing has changed much.

Childhood crap that holds hundreds of memories.

The walls scattered with pictures of my years in the army.

Starting as a private aged eighteen right through to Sergeant. 

It’s been the most rewarding, regimental and terrifying years of my life.

But that’s for later….

There’s also pics from parties and family and friends.

Me and my sister at the fair- my treat as she’d aced her GCSE’s.

The lads playing footy.. 

me and Leighton at Amelia party… 

and she’s there in the background looking sexy as f**k, 

dancing,

 pissed.

Jasmine Rhodes!

The hot f*****g mess! 

From what I’ve been made aware of Jazz.

 Her life hadn’t been easy at all.

Baghdad had less explosions then her s**t choices.

But damn she made it look good.

I saw that fierce warrior when I first met her,

 proud of herself for respecting her body and kneeing the jerk in his bollocks!

I’ve witnessed her fire and seen her stupidity. 

I’d love to smash that right out of her!

My sister hadn't left me a list of crap to do. 

She knows me too well.

My job is to walk her down the aisle and hand her over to Leighton.

My pleasure, she's your problem now my man.

I couldn't wait,

 seeing her so full of life and in love is cute.

I won't tell her that. I'm a man.

I'm not great with crowds, 

all the years spent in enemy territory takes its toll.

It takes a while to climatise back to civilian life,

 especially after a rough tour.

Which is what we had just had.

It was f****d up. 

I've seen some things in my career but this one was up there with the scariest s**t in my whole life.

It still takes me a minute to get my bearings and relax. 

Except this time i have Jazz on my mind setting me on edge too.

And she's going to be there… at the wedding. 

I hope she wears those cookie pyjamas…. 

You never know with Jasmine fuckin Rhodes. Ha.

Everyone is meeting in the local pub.

Last minute shindig for everyone.

It's a cosy, typical english village pub.

Mike and Hilary have run it since we were all kids. 

Let us have our lock ins at seventeen,

 but shhh do not tell the authorities.

They gave us somewhere to be kids.

 I think it's because they never had children of their own.

The business was their baby and all the village kids, 

myself included.

I made sure to send HIlary a postcard from every country I get deployed too. 

She worries about me too.

She's fussing around us all,

 in her element.

I grab her to perch on my knee,

“Hils…

 i'm a man now… 

i think it's time you got rid of Mike….

 Run away with me…” 

im jesting with her and she flushes

“ Trey.Webber! You scoundrel” she berates me feigning shock, 

then winks,

 “he's getting on is old mike, few more years, my soldier boy”

She vacates my knee and carries on fussing. 

Mike is laughing and shaking his head. 

He's very much used to me and his wife having our love affair in the open…. 

And by love affair, I mean i love that lady like a son loves a mother, 

well how i believe a son should love his mother.

I feel relaxed.

 I've had a couple of pints but feel sober as a judge.

Everyone is catching up and laughing.

The whole wedding entourage and in walks the Hot Mess….

Looking far from the wild eyed woman who opened her door to me two days ago.

She was fire. f**k me…….

 please!

She was wearing a tight fitted black dress, 

her t**s looked impressive. 

You would never guess she had birthed and fed two children with those hot tamales…

 her ass looks like it good crack nuts and her legs…

fuck me they are amazing.

 Her wild red hair is down and free.

 Framing her gorgeous made up face. 

She has the right amount of makeup on. 

Not too much. 

subtle and sexy.

I hated when women took their faces off and looked completely different under all the slap and paint.

That was not Jazz. 

she didn't need make up… 

fuck she could be dressed as coco the fuckin clown and id still nail her.

She sees me and walks right up to me…..

JAZZ

Come on girl you can do this,

 I tell myself walking up to him.

I know he has such a mixed impression of me and it bothers me.

I don't know why but I don't want him to think I'm some sad, single mum who sits and slobs in period pjs and four in the afternoon.

I made up my mind as I was getting ready to get this impression he has of me out of his head.

I'm not a sad act that sits at home and slops.

 I'm also not a raging alcoholic that gets out of control in a bathroom. 

That night I was going through some of the lowest moments of my life.

I'd found my husband nailing the local babysitter…. 

Yeah i now, get pornhub round eh!

And the shitstain had the audacity to blame me.

I was at my lowest at Amelia's party and I needed a distraction and damn Webber gave it.

That is not who I am.

I am a responsible adult that's got issues. 

Sex makes me feel better, for a little while.

Alcohol is my comfort and s*x is my vice,

 especially if im having a s**t time.

I hadn't seen Webber since, 

well once but I hid with embarrassment. 

Amelia was pissing herself. 

He didn't see me then and I'm glad he didn't. 

He had returned from Afghanistan with shrapnel in his leg and back from an IED on the road,

 I overheard he lost some men.

 He did not look in his right frame of mind.

 I suppose war will get inside your head.

He only stayed with Jess for a week then he disappeared. 

He didn't like to be home much, I never knew why.

“Hey, you…” I approached him … smooth.

 He smiles at me, it's a gorgeous smile.

“Hi right back” he nodded to my empty hands “drink?”

“Not tonight. Not drunk much in a few years” 

i admit and he smirks and i think he knows exactly what night was the last time i got blind drunk

… yep… amelia's party.

He laughs and leaves me standing there.

What the f**k…. Rude!!

Suddenly he's back and handing me a bottle of Bud… 

“Don't worry. One wont have you on your back in the bathroom!”

I blush bright red. 

The t**t! Okay….

“Well what can i say…. A night like that turns you away from alcohol”

 i hand him the bottle back and turn and walk over to Amelia and Jess. leaving him stood there staring.

It's been a really good night.

Reminiscing about the past, planning our futures.

Talking about Leighton and Jess having the cutest babies ever. 

I hadn't noticed Trey had found his way to my side as we were all too wrapped up in the laughter, including Trey.

He rested a hand on my thigh and made me jump out of my skin…

 he removed it straight away.

“Sorry! I didn't mean to scare you” he looks like he's had the wind knocked out of him.

“Webber, it's ok…. I just never realised it was you sat there.”

 he smiles and relaxes,

“Yeah too much laughing going on.

 Not used to seeing so many smiling faces in one place… 

im used to grumpy sweaty privates…..

i mean soldiers you wrongen”

 he laughs when i raise my eyebrows on the word privates.

“Well your sister is selling her soul. 

We are allowed a night off from our lives to enjoy her happiness with her.” 

He grabs my hand..

“Come with me!”

We're off before I have a chance to answer.

 He leads me to the car park.

“What… no bathroom this time Webber” i laugh, out of breath.

“No… we are both sober these days by the looks of it” 

he giggles back at me.

Touche soldier boy.

“Then where are you dragging me to?”

 I ask, I stop and take my heels off, they're killing me. 

He grabs me fireman style over his shoulder, laughing, pulling my dress down to hide my ass.

The gentleman.

I notice his hand remains on my backside.

“Trey Webber put me down!”

 i can't stop laughing and i have no idea where we are going.

Then he puts me back on my feet and turns me around.

We are on a hill overlooking the village. 

It's so quiet and peaceful and beautiful,

“I come here to get away, y’know. 

When it all gets a bit crazy inside to deal. 

I come here.” he says it earnestly, i just want to hold him.

I pull him down to sit near me.

“Trey, it's beautiful. 

I don't know what goes on up here…” 

i touch his temple and stroke his face

 “ All I know is that whatever it is.

 You have a good heart, you just don't like showing it!” 

since we are being honest with each other…

“Trey… that night…

 you know…” 

he puts his finger on my lips.

“Shh… we dont have to talk about it!”

“ No, I  want to. 

I was in a bad place.

 I had everything going wrong in my life and I used drink to get me through…..

 And you…

 i should never have thrown myself at you like that” 

I feel my cheeks are crimson, and a tear sneaks out of its place. 

He wipes it away.

“Jazz, don't…. 

You did not embarrass yourself…. 

Okay maybe the table dancing part… 

but not with me… 

do you want the truth?”

 he's staring right at me, with my head in his hands, 

i manage a giggle and nod..

”yeah” i whisper

“That night has been on my mind for six f*****g years! 

I knew you were wasted,

 I was wasted myself. 

But I took advantage that night.

 Not you. Me!

 And I was dealing with my own s**t.

I'd been on a crazy ass tour and seen and did things…. 

Well nevermind… 

but Jasmine i am sorry and i take full responsibility for the bathroom……. But f**k girl… 

that is still the best blow job i have ever had!”

 He laughs and lightens the mood instantly.

My mind is racing at what he has just said and I suddenly feel less embarrassed about the incident.

And I rocked his world…..

 I don't actually remember giving him head… 

its all a blur.

He goes to get up and i grab his hand stopping him,

 i don't know why..

 Maybe the scenery, maybe the admissions….

“Well… 

we are sober now….”

 Before I finish he has me on my feet and his tongue down my throat.

The kiss is absolutely amazing. 

His hands are all over me, 

Stroking me through my flimsy dress.

 I can feel my hard n*****s and he can see them.

He pinches one as he kisses me again,

 lowering his hand to my thigh and up to my lacy black underwear. 

He roams his hand over me then takes it away. 

Breaking the kiss he looks at me

 “jazz… I'm a mess…

 i can't give you any more than this…..

what we have right now”

 I kissed him deeply.

 Letting him know that it's enough.

He lays me down on the grass, it's cold but dry. 

His kisses are unreal. 

I feel myself get lost in them as he moves his hand back to my thigh, slipping his fingers into my underwear,

 I gasp as he massages me with his fingers.

Im so wet it's not possible.

 I can feel the orgasm build in me, the heat rising from my toes.

 He pulls away and looks at me,

 he has a look in his eye I have never seen.

“f**k me jazz” 

he licks the finger hes just had inside of me

 “you taste so f*****g good”

Then he was gone, 

his face buried in my heat as he makes the earth move with his tongue.

I grab his hair holding him as i f**k his face filling him with my orgasm as he drinks me in.

I dont think ive come that hard in forever, 

we lie there as he holds me.

 I did try to initiate s*x…

 in for a penny in for a pound and all that.

But he stopped me from touching him. 

“Hot mess…. 

That is for another time”

Then reality calls, well Amelia but close enough.

We head back and rejoin the party.

WEBBER

I can't see in front of me. The smoke is too heavy.

I'm looking through the magnifier of my rifle.

Scanning for movement.

My finger is on the trigger.

Where are my men?

“Sarge?”

I hear Private Jackson but i can't see them.

We have been backed into a corner.

At least 70 Taliban surround us.

Where the f**k is air support?

Where the f**k are my comrades?

Where the f**k has the smoke got so thick?

Bullets zip by my head as I duck into a small trench like ditch.

Private jackson is there. 

He's been shot in the leg.

A gaping hole is present on his left calf.

“I see you have been busy Private…. 

Stay with me…

 look out.” I give him his orders as I take out the first aid kit in my pack.

I flush his leg with water, 

yep that looks bad.

He doesn't flinch, adrenaline has this soldier numb.

“Well done private Jacko…. 

Give shooting the bastards.” 

“Yes sir!” he replies. 

Good lad.

I take my belt and tighten it around his leg, as the bullets are whizzing in the air.

I can now hear my other men retaliating.

“How's that Jacko?

 Lets gets this f*****g A holes and then get Medi to get you sorted!” 

I can see he has lost plenty of blood but he has the look in his eyes.

 The war look.

 He's not giving up this fight without taking some of the opposition out.

“Yeah thanks sarge but i'm alright. 

These fuckers are getting it. 

They messed up my leg sarge!

 I'll never get those hot pants on again” he laughs.

Yeah the lads okay….

 Probably shocked but he's a soldier and we have this dark spirit in us that we hide behind when we are scared.

And right now I am terrified.

“Okay your ass would still pull the tighties off ha!

 Now let's get these fuckers and get back to base.”

I hear the air support as my radio goes,

 telling me that an air strike is imminent.

“Right squad….

 Let the metal burn and retreat 500 yards…

 the birds are gonna light these scumbags up!” 

i shout over the battlefield.

Bullets erupt.

Chopper blades whip above us.

I grab Private Jackson over my shoulder and run…

 he shoots from my shoulder to cover us.

I'm almost at the chinook. 

The firing from my shoulders stops.

As the birds drop their bombs behind me. 

Blowing our battle field and the Taliban to bits. 

I lay Private Jackson on the ground as medics run towards us.

He's gone.

A bullet has ripped right through his left eye, leaving a wide gaping hole.

A huge explosion as the last of the air support drops and the surrounding area is alight with fire and smoke.

And he is still on the ground.

 Dead.

I shoot awake. 

Sweat drips from me.

The sheets are soaked. 

I can't catch a breath.

 I know I'm about to have a panic attack.

After eighteen years in the Army I know the signs.

I also know I had not attended the battle debriefing when we touched back down in England.

I had to come straight home for the wedding.

Shit the wedding is today.

I grab the whiskey from the cabinet.

 It always helped calm me after the flashback dreams.

Nobody goes to war and comes home unscathed.

My nerves feel shot remembering Jackos missing face.

He was the 127th man I had lost serving in the Army.

Friends and colleagues.

I can't even count how many close calls I had over my army life.

Too many.

I take another swig of the whiskey and check the time.

 4.00am.

 I managed almost two hours, an achievement.

All I had to do was get through this god damn wedding.

After this attack and not having the debriefing i knew it was going to take all i had in me to get through this day without breaking.

 And I will do it. 

For jess.

The church is beautiful.

Jess has gone all out.

It looks elegant in creams and lilac colours. 

Flowers adorn the pews.

Jess is currently freaking out in her gorgeous dress.

“Sis, breathe…. 

C’mon everything is beautiful” i embrace her.

I could hear the church filling up with guests.

Laughter and chatter.

A loud bang.

 I jump!

Just someone dropping a bible.

“Trey? 

Are you sure you're going to be okay?”

 my sister, the beautiful bride, is looking at me with big round blue eyes.

She is the only one that has seen me at rock bottom.

Four years ago.

I didn't think I was going to recover from that tour.

I did…. 

Just about.

“Jessica…. Im fine. Stop worrying about me. 

I just want this day to be perfect for you. 

I want you off my hands woman ha” 

i squeeze her to me careful not to crease her wonderful princess dress.

“You do know, married or not that you are stuck with me big bro!

 Let's do this” she squeezes me once more and puts on her war face.

She's ready to conquer this day.

Well done little sis!

The music starts and the bridesmaids are off. 

Marching down the aisle.

I'm in my Army Formals.

I take Jess’s hand and set off on our own march.

A parade to celebrate my family and my friend.

Leighton is staring at his bride like it's the first time he is seeing her.

I feel a lump start to build.

I know she is going to be happy and have a wonderful life with Leighton.

And I'm a great sniper shot if he hurts her.

I hand my sister off and turn to take my place.

She's stood there looking like an angel.

She's wearing a beautiful black and white skater dress with red roses all over.

 It's strapless.

 She looks so demure and sexy and I can't help remembering lying in between her thighs three nights previous.

I look away quickly and find my place.

I had been so wrapped up in the panics and flashbacks i didnt even think about her being here.

of course she is here, she's our friend. 

I dont have the brain space to deal with the feelings the hot mess riles in me.

I know I'm barely hanging on to my sanity.

I've decided i'll get through the ceremony and my speech at the reception but then I'm leaving.

I have already been in touch with the Psych department at the barracks.

I need a debrief and I need it ASAP.

I can feel her eyes on my back and I know I should turn around and at least acknowledge her, but I just can't right now.

Not when I know I'm heading for the abyss and I can not drag her into this.

I'm a special kind of f****d up.

“You may now kiss the bride!”

 the vicar announces and I realise i've missed the entire ceremony in my own head.

Fuck!

Just the speech to go and I can get out of here.

JAZZ

I haven't taken my eyes off him since he started his walk down the aisle with Jess.

She looked beautiful. 

He looks unreal in his uniform.

 Decorated with his medals from all the years he had served.

I knew he had been enlisted most of our adult life.

It wasn't something we had really spoken about though.

He doesn't look like himself.

He seems stressed and tired.

Probably the wedding stress.

He looked at me once with incredulatation when he saw me there but then nothing.

No acknowledgement of me at all.

I couldn't see him at the reception either.

Not until the speeches started.

We all sat to listen.

He keeps looking around the room.

 Eyes darting and not focussing on anything.

I wonder if he's taken something….

 No he wouldn't risk his career for a high or pick me up.

He stands. 

He locks his eyes on me then turns away.

“Ladies and gentleman. Family and friends.

We are here today celebrating my darling pain in the ass sister and my patient and slightly nuts friend. 

Jess and Leighton.

We have been family since we were kids, 

and i couldn't have chosen a better person to deal with her neurosis.. Haha..

On a serious note.

Our parents aren't here and we are feeling it today.

 I was just a stand in for my dad today but he was here, 

right beside us….” 

Jess is crying now,

 I look around and there are a few tears going on.

“They would be so proud of the woman you have become Jess and well we all know they looked at Leighton as another son…. 

Their first one was a bit nutty haha”

I laughed at him mocking himself.

 He looks at me and I see a smile, but then it's gone.

“I want everyone to raise your glasses and give these two lovebirds a night to remember.

 Or i'll be back with a platoon…. 

To Mr and Mrs Leighton Jones.

 May you always be happy.”

Everyone toasts.

 All i can think is he said hell be back,

 is he leaving already?

The speeches and meal finish and the disco is up and running.

Everyone is having a great time and I spot Webber looking around at his sister's wedding and he wipes a tear and walks out.

I follow.

“Oi! Soldier boy!”

 I shout and he whips round.

He does not look happy to see me and I don't know why.

Did he think I was some raging w***e now that I'd let him give me an orgasm on the grass.

I don't think my intention of changing his mind about me worked.

“Oh… hey…

 gotta go.

 Got a train to catch.” he turns to walk away.

“Oh.. i didn't realise you had to go back so soon.”

 I know I sound dejected.

 “Well ermm… be safe. 

Was ermm nice catching up” i turn to go back inside.. But i can't help myself.

“Wait…. Listen. 

I'm not the girl I can imagine you think I am!” 

I had to get this off my chest.

“I have to go. Jazz!” he sighs, bored of me.

“f**k you Trey!

 I'm trying to …

 i don't know, have a civilised conversation with you but you're obviously a d**k….

 And well I'm a d**k for wanting you.”

 I blurted out with tears in my eyes.

He looks angry as f**k. 

He pulls me into the alley behind the reception.

“Yeah.

 I'm a d**k. You're a d**k. 

We are all d***s….

 It's f****d up jasmine. 

Im f****d up!” He looks wild. 

I place my hand on his chest.

“Were all a little f****d up Trey…. 

Life has a way of creeping up and shafting us. 

What has you so …

 i don't know… amped up?

 Why are you leaving?”

 I am pleading now and I hate my weakness.

“Oh for f**k sake jazz.

 I ate you out,

 I didn't ask you to marry me.

 It was fun. But ….” 

he walks away and I'm flabbergasted at his rudeness…

“But what webber?

 Finish what you were going to say….

 Don't be a coward. 

I've dealt with worse assholes than you. 

Yeah you're a tortured f*****g soldier…. 

The brooding act is getting tired now… 

so yeah f**k off Trey Webber!”

 i've never felt this angry with anyone before, not even the shitstain when he was at his worst.

He whips round and grabs me roughly by the arm…

“Where's your car?

 Where are the kids?” he demands and I point to my little silver Mini. “keys?” i hand them to him getting in the car.

“Where are your girls Jazz?” he asks, stone faced.

“At shitstains for the week.

 It's a school holiday.

 Why Trey?”

He nods and starts the engine.

We drive to my farmhouse in silence. 

My mind is reeling with questions.

We enter my home and I remove the black heels that are nipping at my toes. 

He takes off his jacket and tie.

I make us a whiskey and he sits at the kitchen table. 

I handed him his glass then put the bottle in the middle of us.

“You going to tell me why you kidnapped me to my own home?”

 I have had enough of the silence between us.

 “Why here Trey?”

“ sit down jazz.” 

I do. 

I drink my whiskey and refill my tumbler.

“ i'm sorry. I know I'm being an arse.

I kinda have… 

well i suffer PTSD. 

It always gets worse the few weeks back from a tour.

I normally spend a week in psych on debrief but I didn't this time…

 the wedding!”

 he looks like he is about to break.

I never had a clue.

 I mean i knew he'd been affected by the war but i dont think id ever thought about it and all he must have been through.

 I reach for his hand but he pulls it away from me.

Ouch!

“Sorry.

 I'm on flight or flight right now. 

My head is on a million things at once.

 I lost a man eight weeks ago.

 I've lost lots of men. 

But this one was my friend, and he died in my arms.

 I thought I could handle the wedding. 

Its one f*****g day but the nightmares started last night and i know i have to leave.”

 his honesty is making me weep and he wipes the stray tear away.

“Trey, I never knew. 

Im sorry.

 Im so f*****g sorry.” I reach for his face and he lets me.

 “ I knew you were a bit f****d but I never knew how much. 

You are human.

 You see things and do things that my tiny brain can't even begin to comprehend. 

Thank you for telling me Trey.

 I thought it was me. 

My behaviour when we are alone that had… well…. 

Yknow, given you this wrong impression of me…” 

i feel shame admitting all this to him.

He stands and pulls me to him and holds me to his chest.

“ babe… 

you are a Hot f*****g mess…. 

But do you know why i wanted to come here? 

To your farm?” i shook my head, i didn't have a clue.

“I meant what i said last week when i showed up. 

You have a home here Jazz. 

It feels like a home. 

You are one helluva woman and you don't even see it.. 

This… here.. With you…

 feels safe now”

My head is light and my ears deceive me.

 He strokes my face and kisses me.

“The only time… 

this week…

 I have felt silence and safety here. 

With you… 

the other night… tasting you… was like medicine. 

You make my mind quiet” he lifts me onto the table and I wrap my arms around him and kiss him deeply.

“What about your train Trey?”

 i stop the kiss, i know he is getting the train to help himself.

“f**k the train…. 

I want you… 

Now…

 Here.

 We are both sober.

 I saw that you never touched a drop till we got back here. 

I want you Jazz… 

NOW!”

 he rips my dress completely off and lays me on the table as he removes my lacy underwear with his teeth,

 not taking his eyes from mine.

He massages my core with his finger, making the juices coat his fingers.

He buries his face in me again.

 And the heat is climbing immediately.

 I pull him from me before I explode. 

We've been here before.

I stand and kiss him before I go to my knees.

“Oh f**k Jasmine…. “

 he moans as I take him in my mouth. 

He holds my hair in his fingers as I move my lips up and down his shaft.

His breathing hastens and his grip tightens as he f***s my mouth.

He growls and lifts me up and bends me over the table, 

he spreads my thighs and places a hand gently around my neck as he enters and fills me.

He's well endowed and I gasp.

 He growls in my ear

 “i need you so f*****g bad…. 

I think i knew it from the moment i met you”

We come together,

 him behind me bent over the kitchen table. 

Spent we lie naked on the floor, I'm lying on his chest.

“f**k me Jazz. 

that was so worth the twenty year wait” he laughs and kisses me. 

“Where's your bedroom?

 I'll catch the train tomorrow!” he laughs as he carries me to the direction of my bedroom.