Myla's Depression

Kabanata 1

May

"What?" I clarified.

I just wanted to make sure if I heard it right. O baka naman imahinasyon ko lang ang mga narinig ko sa kanya?

We were inside his bedroom. We just woke up after a very long night of making love that always happens whenever I am here in his condo unit.

"You heard me. We are done, go home.." He said as he put on his pants.

I sorted the shirt I was wearing. Bigla akong nakaramdam ng ginaw dahil sa sinabi niya. Done? Like.. what does he mean by that? Hindi ko maintindihan.

"D-Done? A-Anong ibig mong sabihin?" I clarified again.

He turned his back on me so I was not sure if he was just tripping or something. Pero napakaseryoso ng boses niya, imposibleng biro lamang niya ang mga iyon.

"Done!" He shouted.

He looked at me once again and his eyes were very aloof, at hindi ko iyon kayang tignan ng matagal. "Go home. Get all your stuff here. I don't want to see any of it, even you.."

I suddenly felt a sharp pain in my chest. I can't believe he's actually saying these things to me, it can not totally enter my mind! Hinding hindi.

I opened my mouth but I shut it eventually because I realize that I have nothing to say. Ano ba ang pwede kong sabihin? Should I beg for him to stop?

I swallowed hard, at humugot muna ako ng lakas ng loob bago magsalita. "Nagbibiro ka l-lang ba?" Tanong ko kahit alam kong hindi siya nagbibiro.

Pero.. gusto ko lang manigurado. Umaasa parin ako na lahat ng mga sinabin niya ay biro lang.

He faced me. "No. I am more than serious, Myla."

I didn't talk.

Pero bakit niya sinasabi ito?

"I despise you," He hissed. Muli ay nagulat ako sa sinabi niya.

I got so confused at the same time.

"W-Why?" That was the only word that came out from my mouth because I really don't know why. I really don't. Wala akong ginawa para magalit siya ng ganito sa akin.

He came closer and looked at me. "Kinamumuhian kita.." He said it again, at mas masakit dahil kitang kita ko ang galit sa mga mata niya.

I looked at him. I wanted to make sure if those words were really coming out from his mouth.

"T-Travis. Pero--"

"Shut up! Don't call me Travis. Call me nerd boy. Iyon ang tawag niyo sa akin moon di'ba? What makes it different now?" He hissed, and he was very mad. Nanginginig ang mga boses niya sa galit.

Ngayon ko lang siya nakitang nagalit at ang totoo ay natatakot na ako.

Pero kumunot ang noo ko dahil sa sinabi niya. Nerd boy? Iyon ba ang rason niya kaya siya galit ngayon? And.. nerd boy? "Anong sinasabi mo?" I asked. I wondered if what else I've done wrong that made him very furious right now. 

He turned his back on me and picked up his shirt on the floor. He looked at me once again as he put on his shirt. His face was ruddy. Hindi ko iyon kayang tiisin na titigan.

"You used to loathe this face right?" He pointed his face. "But look at you now!" He angrily pointed his finger on me. "You look stupid when you can't have a single glimpse of me."

I took a deep breath. Yes, he's right because I always want to see him. 

"This?" He pointed on his abdomen. "You only want these right?" He was pertaining to his abdominal muscles! What?

I shook my head, hindi ako makapaniwala sa babaw ng mga sinasabi niya ngayon. Is he seriously pointing his abs?

"That's not true, Travis. I love you." I whispered but I know he heard it. I want to assure him, I really want to tell him what I feel.

The next thing I heard was his offensive laughter, and it was truly insulting. Gusto kong takpan ang teynga ko dahil doon.

"Then I succeeded!" he clapped his hand like he was cheering for something. And every clap of his hands broke my heart. His gaze was full of rage. "That's exactly my plan, Myla." 

He came closer to me, very close. I can even see his sweats in his forehead. Hindi ako makagalaw. "To make you love me like I loved you before. " He said lovingly but full of sarcasm.

The rage on his voice was still there and it's really penetrating my heart. Hindi ko alam kung bakit bigla siyang naging ganito ngayon.

My eyes began to heat up lalo na noong marinig ko ang sinabi niya.

Plan? He planned everything?

"And I succeeded, Myla." He withdrew a little but he was still staring at me. "Ang galing ko, hindi ba? I made you believe that I still love you." He smirked.

I bent down and shook my head. I can't believe that I was listening to his harsh words. I wish it was a just a joke.

My knees are trembling so I sat on the bed, the bed where we shared our love. Love? He said it wasn't real, he loathe me.

"But I'm glad that I am your first." He smirked. "Thank you, Myla. " He said sarcastically.

Yes he's my first, because all my life ay siya lang ang minahal ko ng ganito. Only him.

"P-Please tell me you're lying." My tears were dripping and my chest was still throbbing. Parang hindi ako makahinga.

He suddenly approached me."I'm not lying, Myla. I just want to f**k you since the beginning, that's all. I've planned all everything.."

I slumped. The pain in my chest were like punches, sobrang naninikip ang dibdib ko sa sakit.

This day is a nightmare.

"Look at me." He said.

I didn't look at him dahil para akong sinasaksak sa sakit. Hindi ko na kayang titigan ang mga mata niya.

"I said look at me." He tightly grabbed my jaw and lifted it up. It was so racking so I looked at him. His face was still burning red, he was really mad at me.

His forehead was full of sweats. Napangiwi ako dahil sa sakit ng pagkakahawak niya sa panga ko.

"Do you love me?" He asked.

I immediately nodded to show him that I really love him. I love him and that's the truth! Hindi ba niya iyon nararamdaman?

Tumitig siya sa mga mata ko pero mayamaya ay malakas siyang tumawa. He shook his head. "But I don't love you.." Sabi niya habang umiiling. That ripped my heart.  "Yes, you're absolutely great in bed, Myla.. but it ends there."

I closed my eyes. I don't want to hear any of it anymore.

"Yes, you can thank me. Did I amazingly f**k you?" He asked again. Ang mga ngiti niya ay parang ngiti ng isang demonyo, at sobrang sakit na sa dibdib ko.

I sobbed, hindi ko kailanman naisip na kaya niya akong pagsalitaan ng ganito. It could not enter my brain.

He suddenly released my jaw and I was a relieved for a bit.

"You can go now." he led the way towards the door. He opened the door and bent out but he stopped again.

"Bring all your stuff. Don't tell anyone about what happened because it was just a game. I don't want my girlfriend to know about this foolishness." He said and went out. 

Foolishness?!

As soon as the door was shut, I wept loud. At ipinagdasal na sana panaginip na lang lahat ng ito. Hindi ko alam kung paano ako nakalabas ng condo niya at kung paano ko naiuwi ang mga gamit ko.

Ilang araw ang lumipas at tama siya, hindi na siya nagpakita sa akin.

Then I became a mess. 

"That's enough, Myla. You swallowed a lot of scotch already!" says Chad. Nasa tabi ko siya at ang sobrang lakas ng boses niya.

He's a gay and I love him! He's one of my closest friend now.

Chad was our college mate too, and I introduced him to Travis dahil laging siya ang kasama ko kapag may dinner noon.

That was before, obviously.

"Relax, Chad! I'm fine." I lied. I bowed down my head because my head was really spinning.

This is just fine. Para makalimutan ko ang mga nangyari, kahit ilang oras man lang.

"Oh! Speaking of the devil, he's here." Agad akong tumingin kay Chad dahil sa sinabi niya, ngunit malabo ang mukha niya, damn, lasing na nga talaga ako!

I blinked my eyes three times and I noticed that Chad was looking behind me. 

Nang tumalikod ako at lingunin ang entrance ng club ay nakita ko si Travis na nakatayo doon. He's with someone, a woman.

The woman was wearing a red tight dress and she's stunningly beautiful, I admit. Nanikip bigla ang dibdib ko. Siya na ba ang tinutukoy ni Travis na girlfriend niya?

Pasimple kong inobserbahan si Travis. He looked the same, he didn't change at all. Nagkaroon lang siya ng kaunting balbas. Why the hell am I observing him?

Napamura ako sa iniisip ko, he is really killing me. May kasama agad siyang babae? That's his girlfriend?

"Tara na. Umuwi na tayo." Bumalik ang tingin ko kay Chad dahil sa sinabi niya.

Syempre ay sasabihin niya iyon dahil alam na alam niya ang mga nangyari sa amin. Oo alam niya dahil sinabi ko. Wala naman akong ibang pagsasabihan. Busy naman si Amy sa buhay niya.

"No. Bakit tayo uuwi? We are here to have fun. Not for him!" I mumbled and I was honest.

Chad stared at me.

Ilang minuto pa ay nagmura na naman siya. "He's looking at you." Sabi niya.

I want to clap my hands. Nakatingin siya sa akin? Then let him see me!

"Let him see me, let him see how miserable I am. Let him think that he really succeeded." That's what he wanted right? Well, I am giving him what he wanted.

"Aalis na yata sila.." Chad whispered that's why I looked at the back again.

Nakita kong nag uusap si Travis at ang kasama niyang babae. Maybe he was convincing her to go already, siguro ay dahil nandito ako. Natatakot ba siyang sabihin ko ang lahat ng nangyari sa amin?

Yumuko nalang ako at ibinalik ang tingin sa bartender na busy sa paggawa ng kung anu ano.

Alam kong nakatingin si Chad kay Travis kaya hinayaan ko na. Wala na akong pakialam kung umalis sila.

The pain in my chest is really killing me. Yes, it's killing me, literally.

"Uwi na tayo. Lasing ka na." Sabi ni Chad.

Hindi na siya nakatingin sa likuran ko kundi sa akin.

Napailing ako. "Ngayon lang ako iinum ulit no. Ano ka ba?" Huminga ako ng malalim. "Tsaka hindi ako pwedeng umuwing lasing. Isusumbong ako kina Mama."

Nagtaka ako dahil hindi sumagot si Chad. Tumingin ako sa kanya. Nakita kong nakatitig siya sa likuran ko na para bang may tinitignan siya doon.

Lumingon ako para tignan kung ano ang tinitignan niya ngunit nagulat ako dahil nakatayo si Travis sa mismong likuran ko at mariin akong tinititigan.

Napamura ako ng mahina. Kahit ilang araw na ang nakaraan mula ng huli ko siyang makita ay parang ganoon parin siya. Hindi ko alam pero nasasaktan ako kahit wala pa siyang sinasabi, parang tinutusok ang puso ko. Parang nauulit ang mga huling sinabi niya sa akin ng gabing iyon.

"What do you think you're doing?" Travis asked. Napakalamig ng boses niya. Bakit ba niya ako kinakausap!?

Tinaas ko ang hawak kong baso. "Umiinom?" Patanong kong sabi, bulag ba siya at hindi niya nakikita ang ginagawa ko?

"I know and I can see that." Umiling siya, alam naman pala niya, eh. "You have to stop following me." Tinuro niya ang sahig na para bang pinagbabawal niyang apakan ko ang sahig.

Uminit ang ulo ko sa sinabi niya. Following him? What the?! Mas nauna kami ni Chad dito! Gago ba siya?

Tumaas ang kilay ko at dahan dahan akong bumaba sa matangkad na upuan. Hinarap ko siya. Naramdaman ko ang kamay ni Chad sa braso ko, he's maybe helping me to stand up straight dahil para akong matutumba sa hilo.

Huminga ako ng malalim at pinigilan ang sarili kong magalit. "I am not following you." Malumanay kong sambit.

I was trying hard to calm myself because I don't want to scream.

Damn, pinagpapawisan ang buong katawan ko!

"Then why are you here? Bakit dito? Alam mong dito magaganap ang engagement party namin kaya dito kayo umiinom?" He asked again. It was very sarcastic pero mas nakatuon ang pansin ko sa sinabi niya.

Bumukas sara pa ang bibig niya ngunit hindi ko narinig ang iba pa niyang sinabi dahil nakatuon ang pansin ko sa sinabi niya. Engagement party?

"E-Engagement party?" I asked. Sana mali ang narinig ko. Sana hindi engagement ang narinig ko. Ikakasal na siya?

Biglang uminit ang gilid ng mga mata ko.

Tumingala siya at tumawa ng mahina. Anong nakakatawa?

"Yes. Now, go home." Sabi niya na parang wala lang sa kanya ang mga narinig ko.

Kung sabagay nga naman ay wala pala talaga siyang pakialam.

"You're engaged?" I asked again. I didn't mean to stutter pero hindi ko iyon makotrol.

Sumeryoso ang tingin niya. "Hindi pa nagsisimula ang laro natin, engaged na ako.."

That hit me really hard. Laro? He called it as a game again.

Natahimik ako at nagsimula ng mahulog ang mga luha ko. Tinitigan ko siya para makita kong masayang masaya ba siya sa mga sinasabi niya sakin. I shook my head, hindi talaga ako makapaniwala hanggang ngayon na nilinlang niya ako.

I saw his jawline tightened.

Akala ko ay nagbibiro siya noong una naming pag-uusap dahil gusto lang niya lang akong saktan. Pero ngayon ay pinapatunayan niya iyon ngayon.

I shook my head again. This is not normal. This is pathetic.

Dapat ay kanina pa ako lumabas ng bar na ito, dapat ay kanina pa noong nakita ko sila. But what am I still doing here!?

"Let's go.." Seryosong sabi ni Chad na nasa tabi ko. Thanks to Chad for reminding me that I am not alone.

Nanghihina akong yumuko at pinunasan ang mga luha ko ngunit tuloy tuloy parin ang mga iyon sa pagtulo.

Hindi ko na tinignan pa si Travis. Inalalayan ako ni Chad dahil alam kong hindi ako makapaglakad ng maayos.

"Get lost, bastard." Narinig ko pang bulong ni Chad kay Travis.

I tried to take a step pero biglang nanlabo ang paningin ko. Hindi ko na kayang tumayo dahil nanghihina ang tuhod ko. Hinanda ko na ang sarili ko sa matigas na sahig ngunit alam kong hindi ako nahulog sa sahig dahil naramdaman kong may sumalo sa akin.

"May.." A worried voice called me. I will never forget that voice and that endearment. Iyon ang tawag sa akin ni Travis.

Iyon lang ang huling narinig ko. Maybe Chad called me that dahil imposibleng si Travis iyon. Galit si Travis sa akin. Siguro imahinasyon ko lang iyon dahil nahihilo ako

All went black.