MiRanDumbIsh Journey

BACKSTORY part3

A couple of years came and went before it became too much to handle themselves, resulting in the decision being made to put Gma in a nursing home. I grew distant to her. I left her alone. I hated going there. I hated having to sit in that room. I loved seeing her. I hated the environment. It smelled. It was filled with death and decay. Lost hope and dreams, abandoned elders who were too much for their children, too time consuming, too hsrd to handle or maybe just maybe they were not enough for them to care about. They were not good enough, not rich enough, not stable enough, or whatever enough wasnt enough while they were able resulting in them dying alone in a room with a complete stranger. It's almost as if they were imprisoned for aging.

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Youre old now. You can't do for yourself. Im not gone do it but ill pay these random ass strangers to see bout you here. A lifetime away from the home you took care of. A lifetime away from the family you started all those years back cause im grown now and I dont have time for you anymore.

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Thats how it felt. Thats what I saw. Elders left for dead in a random facility on a sketchy part of town. It was heartbreaking. It was painful to watch. All my senses said no but what could I do? I was a kid. I had no money. I had no power. I had no voice. Seen, not heard, the same way I live my life majority of the time now, well not now but in the last decade or so. Floating thru life being seen by many yet quiet until spoken to unless I was drunk.

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I figured out at an early age that alcohol gave me the confidence of the gods! That feeling of superiority I lacked due to age, I made up for in beverage consumption. I could drink with the best of 'em. Strong Davis trait. Passed on from the Davis bloodline, thru the Davis bloodline, from Buddy Davis and ancestors themselves. I jumped in that pool Kendrick spoke on and felt like Micheal Phelps. Its truly sickening how delusional those spirits make you. I suppose it's really a possession. Youre no longer you instead you're in the sunken place while that entity does it's damage using your body as a vessel.

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False sense of beauty, personality, attitude, and confidence. Think about it. Would you honestly do half of things you've done while intoxicated completely sober? On a normal day, would you get up blast the music and dance in the streets alone? Would you drive your car at top speed on a busy interstate with no concern for others well-being? Would you take off your clothes and lose them; completely forgetting you took them off to begin with ? Honestly, would you?

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See, during the time when I was supposed to be figuring out who I was and what I wanted to be I was drinking every chance I got. It all started when one returned home from their adventures. My first black, my first shot, my first four loko, my first cigarette... it was all with you. There was no force. There was no hostility. You showed me something that looked good. Something that looked fun. I was around 14 or 15 maybe and it glittered so yes I thought it was gold. I thought I'd found the key to life. Then you left again and I found myself more lost and confused than when you first came back.

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I allowed the temptation to take over. I allowed my path to be altered. I went from bad seed, to oreo, to good two shoes, then finally entered f**k up and that's where you left me. Alone in a f****d up mental state that continued for years. It got worse overtime. I couldn't see it but I became your mirror. I became the version of you that nobody was ever supposed to see. The uncontrolled tyrant destroying everything in her path. I wanted to be like you but I didn't see that you weren't the person I should be.

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Now that im on my own path, you want me to keep the parts you played a secret. I cannot do that. I won't say your name but I will never forget. I love you and wish you nothing but the best but I can never consider you my hero or idolize you again. I see that we are not the same. I am not perfect. I am a f**k up. I am the black sheep. I made me choices and decisions in life, the same as you, however I got caught. God told me no while he allows you to continue unscathed. For now at least.

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You may have the houses, the wealth, the money to spend on random trips, bags, clothes, and whatever else you may want to buy but I look around me and I see that I have love. I have unconditional love from people I never thought could or would love me after everything I've done. Its heart warming and makes me want to change for the better. I no longer feel the desire to find my joy, my comfort, my happiness from inside a bottle. I can now live life sober and content as I work on myself publicly.

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So to you, my past hero, I wash my hands and wish no harm or ill. I just know that we will never be the same. I cannot hide with you. I never thought you would be the person who I would have to distance myself from but I can't become as selfish as you. I cannot let your inner instabilities and personal battles continuously affect my life.

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Strangers were not the people who I should have been protecting myself from. Sadly, it was some of my family memebers who caused the most pain and traumatizing experiences. From drinking, to drinking and driving, to uncomfortable s****l experiences that altered my reality and my reality alone. Keep that in mind the next time someone says dont talk to strangers. You never know who you might meet. That stranger that your close family and friends warned you about might just be the angel God sent to guide you. Jealously and envy knows no bounds. Keep your head down... well no, an old teammate...correction a seasoned friend reminded me recently to keep your head up instead... so keep your head up and do the right thing. Integrity takes you far. Secrets, deceptions, and lies will only last for a second in comparison. It really ain't worth the headache.

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