MiRanDumbIsh Journey

BACKSTORY part5

I allowed the temptation to take over. I allowed my path to be altered. I went from bad seed, to oreo, to good two shoes, then finally entered f**k up and that's where you left me. Alone in a f****d up mental state that continued for years. It got worse overtime. I couldn't see it but I became your mirror. I became the version of you that nobody was ever supposed to see. The uncontrolled tyrant destroying everything in her path. I wanted to be like you but I didn't see that you weren't the person I should be.

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Now that im on my own path, you want me to keep the parts you played a secret. I cannot do that. I won't say your name but I will never forget. I love you and wish you nothing but the best but I can never consider you my hero or idolize you again. I see that we are not the same. I am not perfect. I am a f**k up. I am the black sheep. I made me choices and decisions in life, the same as you, however I got caught. God told me no while he allows you to continue unscathed. For now at least.

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You may have the houses, the wealth, the money to spend on random trips, bags, clothes, and whatever else you may want to buy but I look around me and I see that I have love. I have unconditional love from people I never thought could or would love me after everything I've done. Its heart warming and makes me want to change for the better. I no longer feel the desire to find my joy, my comfort, my happiness from inside a bottle. I can now live life sober and content as I work on myself publicly.

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So to you, my past hero, I wash my hands and wish no harm or ill. I just know that we will never be the same. I cannot hide with you. I never thought you would be the person who I would have to distance myself from but I can't become as selfish as you. I cannot let your inner instabilities and personal battles continuously affect my life.

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Strangers were not the people who I should have been protecting myself from. Sadly, it was some of my family memebers who caused the most pain and traumatizing experiences. From drinking, to drinking and driving, to uncomfortable s****l experiences that altered my reality and my reality alone. Keep that in mind the next time someone says dont talk to strangers. You never know who you might meet. That stranger that your close family and friends warned you about might just be the angel God sent to guide you. Jealously and envy knows no bounds. Keep your head down... well no, an old teammate...correction a seasoned friend reminded me recently to keep your head up instead... so keep your head up and do the right thing. Integrity takes you far. Secrets, deceptions, and lies will only last for a second in comparison. It really ain't worth the headache.

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I didn't know who you really were growing up. I never knew you until we got older. The person I saw then was the s**t. The person I see now, s**t aint it. I love you. I always will. I have to be more now. I have to be more than you think I can ever become. I have to do this for me. Everything I am saying is the truth. God kept me alive all these years for a reason. I could have died the day you pushed me down the stairs but I didn't. I'm still here and you have something of mine. I want it back but I will not fight you for it. I will tell the truth, my truth, my memories, my stories, and then reclaim what I have lost.

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God woke me up early. My phone was dead. Nobody else is awake. No alarm went off. I dreamed of marriage. I dreamed of happy times. I saw who was there and who wasn't. I hope that isn't accurate but if it is so be it. My focus is to heal from everything. I wanted to focus on yhe last decade but as I started to write I saw it. My last decade is a reflection of the lifestyle I grew accustomed to. The isolation, the drugs, the drinking .. I am merely a product of my environment just like everyone else. I refuse to remain the same. I must reach higher so I can go further. If that means I ger ridiculed and isolated again then oh well. It aint like I've never felt it before. This time I dont have Gma here to stand up for me and talk to me but she walks with me in spirit. She watches me from above. She's at peace. It's time I find my own.

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