For You

Prologue

(Disclaimer: The story isn't related to my personal life nor any of the characters potray me or people known to me . This is just a teen fictional story. I originally wrote this story when I was 15 so the first chapters are gonna be too dramatic . But I assure you the rest are fine . You've been warned .)

Is it okay being both selfish and caring at the same time, for the same person?

Can you have so much emotion synchronously?

I wish I could go back in time to change in someone's eyes the ruthless person I am today. I wish I could make the old me realize that I was not prepared for this.

At least, then I could have saved myself from the never ending 'Hopes' . But life isn't meant to be that easy on you . It's purpose it to make thorns for you . But, this story is neither about me or my thorns in life . It's about my stubborn heart.

For which , now the past still haunts me in multiple ways.

My story starts at 12:30 am Thursday, when I receive a call from my best friend.

"I need to tell you something important."

I was getting ready for bed and I didn't know what was coming for me, didn't know that I was going to be to hurt.

" I saw your ex with someone else at Chris's party ."

I rolled my eyes grimacing, "That ain't a news , he's always with someone."

"Uh not that."

I sarcastically question, " Then what?"

I was kind of feeling this might be coming someday , just didn't know that my feelings would be so messed up about it.

" I saw him cuddling with a girl and he looked happy."

I was about to roll in my bed and climb under my comfy blankets but after hearing the word 'happy' my nervous system just stopped . I just stood there beside my bed with an opened mouth ceasing myself in a moment of silence.

"Hello..."

She was still in line waiting for my response. I fix my throat and I knew this question would be probably really really mean to ask since he doesn't belong to me anymore but I had to say it. Otherwise I won't be able to sleep the whole night and thus I can't give my math test tomorrow.

"How happy was he?"

Like my asinine question my facial expression was like also the devil .

"Very happy" she answers .

The word 'Very' which I didn't wanted to hear. Also it includes 'happy' because how could he happy when I am not and I was never .

I didn't want to sound like a green eyed monster so I had to say the complete opposite of my opinion. "That's good right, " I mouth as I sat on my bed slowly. My best friend knows me too well which is why she gives me a dramatic pause, "Yeah but..." I knew what she was about to say.

"Are you okay with it?"

A question which I didn't want to answer. So, with a heavy heart I disconnect the call saying something far-fetching.

"Sorry gotta go . Mom's coming."

There were no footsteps heading to my door. I lied to her. Because, I am denying the truth. I know she will not call me back. She knows I need space specially in this situation. I lay down on my bed as I release a deep breath . That's how he taught me to deal with heavy situations,"Don't cry , Don't cry . Deep breaths only."

The answer of the question is , of course I am not okay with it . I let him go. Let him turn into a monster and this didn't happen once but twice with the same being. He returned to me so many times craving to hear the three words which I never told him in this two years of us and the last time was on June 15th when he told me he still loves me . But me , being stubborn tried to change the conversation leaving him clueless as always . Then, why am I not okay ? He deserves to be happy, deserves to be loved , deserves to be cared for . Like he did for me . But, it was then too late . Too late for him to realize my importance and too late for me to stay . But this isn't the reason of our separation, this it's just a tiny bit of it .

Now , I blame that one kiss that ruined it all. One kiss that took my best friend away from me . One kiss it all took to change everything around me.

My sleep was disturbed as my friend insomnia had attacked me once again. I don't sob like the other times. Because, I have cried enough for this guy and I need to put a stop on it. The words were repeating in my head the whole night 'Very happy'. Why am I so jealous? And not of the girl he's with. I am jealous that he's happy .

I completely sound like a crazy ex girlfriend but trust me this only started since last year. When he told me that me leaving was best decision for his life. Now, it's hard for me to believe those words including the 'I still miss yous'. It's hard for my mind to keep up with everything including the truth , the reason I am not with him anymore.

I know he's always going to love me and so am I . Because I feel that we have something really special, really different which only blooms once in a blue moon. I believed we were soulmates . Actually I still do and I hope its mutual .

I think the most weird part of this special relation we have is that I can feel what he goes through being miles away from him. Like I knew after the separation he was home drinking while I was out partying . He was losing friends and I was making . He was getting frustrated and I was getting freedom(which feels like a jail to me now) . I don't actually feel bad about it when I think about the main reason. Because something worse could have happened and I am glad I saved the situation. But again, I need a person like him in my life again. A best friend like him . But I don't deserve that . Because the pain he got through because of me doesn't wanna make me stay with him.

I know if I open up my feelings to him right now he will come back or maybe give me a chance to fix everything. But that won't be right . Because, let's be honest he deserves more than that . He deserves happiness.