For You

The blame game

'What the hell is happening? first Dave and now her?'

My room is a complete mess. I am throwing clothes and books on my bed out of frustration. I couldn't stop yelling at myself. It is not calming me down rather driving me crazy. I thought Dave agreed with me about forgetting the past. Then, why is this tangled history still following me?

Now it feels like I don't know him anymore. Like the Dave I knew is lost.



The day was gone and I couldn't step out of my room. I don't think I can face the real world anymore.

'He wants to leave Abby but she doesn't.'

I couldn't stop cursing myself because all of this happened because of me. I can't believe I actually was on Abby's side all this time. Because, she had a terrible past relationship. I can't believe that I hooked them up because I thought Dave could make her happy again. But, I didn't know that she couldn't make Dave happy.

I shouldn't have let this happen. Shouldn't have brought them together.

Sometimes this question pops in my mind, 'Why did I let this happen?'

I shouldn't have fallen for him.

Shouldn't have kissed him.

Shouldn't have told him those things.

My mom knocks my door couple of times for dinner. But I don't have the energy to answer. I don't want her to see my nose red and my face soaked up because of crying.

Few minutes later, she eventually stopped calling when my crying gets louder that even the song couldn't cover it. The red lights were dimmed making my room environment more sadder. I wished him to be here beside me. Right now, I feel like I need him. But I can't have him.

Minutes later thinking about him he calls me. It was like fate was playing with my heart. My hands were trembling, desperate to answer, to hear his voice; to tell him to leave her. But my heart knows it won't happen. Because, he's not the type of guy who would ever hurt any girl. Maybe that's why he forgave her so easily.

Maybe someday she will break up with him by herself. Maybe someday she will realize that his soul doesn't belong to her. But it's just another 'Maybe' and Maybe's aren't always happening.

I look at my phone buzzing continuously and this is the 11th call of his. Every time the phone rings I see this picture flashing on my phone screen, me kissing him on his cheek. It was taken 2 years ago when he wasn't hers, when he was just my best friend. I see the sun rising presenting a little glimpse through my window. I realize it's past 4am already. My stomach starts growling making me feel empty and ravenous. I realize I only had two bottles of water the whole night after reaching home. It was a usual scene for me. After the summer, I can't remember having a proper meal nor a hearty sleep. I sneak to the kitchen climbing downstairs, slowly tiptoeing . The sun rays flows through the kitchen window making it more prettier than the usual. I roam my vision to inspect for food as my hungriness expanded making my skin crumble. I see some cookies and milk on the table, probably mom kept them for me. I run to catch them as if they were going to disappear . Like always, I take one, then two and I couldn't stop eating. Was it the hunger? Or was it the guilt?

I simply decided to eat my feelings away.

Suddenly, dad turns on the kitchen light thereafter sees me stuffing my mouth with cookies.

"You didn't sleep the whole night?" He asks frowning.

"Umm..." I smile putting the cookie jar on the shelf.

I look at him responding, "No."

Dad looked furious as his eyebrows meets together.

"I couldn't sleep. I wasn't feeling okay." I explain immediately . I say again with a spark of sadness in my tone , "I think I am going to miss school today."

One thing about my parents I admire , they don't complain when I miss school. They understand me. Except for some particular times, which will be discussed later.

Dad didn't ask too many questions. When I try to leave the kitchen he pauses me.

"Wait"

I turn around to face him, "Yeah?"

"Take some meds if you feel too sick."

His expression changes to normal saying that. I nod positively as I left for my room quietly . I thank mom's cookies since my stomach was full. But little did I know, there was something else ravishing coming for me.

Around 6 am when dad is busy getting ready for work and mom is in the kitchen cooking breakfast, I hear the doorbell.

'' Coming! ''

I reach downstairs to open the door and I see the right face I wanted too see. Just didn't know how 'right' it was.

He was wearing a leather jacket with his favorite brown ankle boots. But, my eyes were committed over somewhere else.

"You brought what?"

He had a meatloaf from Harry's on his right hand and a mocha on his left hand. I couldn't stop smiling and forgot all the mess that happened yesterday.

That's what he was best at. Making me forget my miseries by his presence.

My eyes finally traces his face. He had his exhausted messy caramel brown hair covering his forehead.

The moment he looked into my sad green eyes my stomach did a back flip instantly . It was like he was lost in the evergreen forest inside of it. Our eyes were stuck on each other momentarily.

"Are you going to call him in?"

Mom talks from behind with a spatula in one hand. I leapt in that second collecting my thoughts out of there.

"Good Morning Dave," she says.

"Good Morning Lily," Dave replies as his lips twisted into a smile. Mom leaves for kitchen while I give him some space to enter. He puts the packets on the table and I shout, "What are you doing?" He looks confused, then realized what I meant.

"Oh ...of course I am bringing them upstairs."

He gives me a cheeky smile making those butterflies reappear as they flutter in my stomach.

As we enter my room, I don't say anything. I jump on my bed beginning to open the food shamelessly . I start eating and he just looks at me at the whole time.

I don't feel a bit embarrassed.



Watching me eat like a pig he ruffles my hair as if I was a kid. I fix the mess he did immediately pursing my lips. He collapses on my bed which he usually does. Then, rolls over onto his side to look at me. He tucks his elbow under his head as he continued to eye me sharply. I stop before my last bite to frown, '' Come on! I don't eat that badly. '' I crinkle my nose being a little annoyed.

He laughs preciously.

My eyes fixed on the loaf. But, I feel his still occupied on me. I don't complain this time. Because, maybe I am enjoying that kind of fondness too.

"Did you draw that?" he points out to yet one of my disgusting paintings.

"Yeah?" I say mouthful .

"It looks good." He smiled.

The last time Dave was in my room which seems like ages ago, I had stopped doing my pointless paintings. But after that one summer, the obsession knocked my door once again.

Swallowing the food I laugh," Can you guess what it is?" I ask testing his capability. I know it will be hard for him to differentiate my outlandish way of stroking paint. The mere thought of it makes me smile in relish.

He answers through his gritted teeth, "a bird?"

"Nope." I reply fast chewing the last bite. I scan my eyes around to say, "You brought coffee right?"

"Yeah," saying he slips the cup of mocha in my hand.

After breakfast we go the same spot, our favorite spot, the rooftop; where he looks at me the same way I hadn't see him in these two years.

"Thank you," I tell.

"For what?"

I look at him removing my gaze from the tree covered with fog answering, "For being with me in this situation."

He entangles his fingers with mine soothing my soul, "Of course, we are best friends."

The word 'best friend' throws me off the loop. I don't know what to label this thing between us anymore. I don't know if 'friends' is even the honest word for us.

He observes me looking upset.

"I am sorry," he says.

I was mute for a moment.

"I shouldn't have put you in that place the other day."

I was frustrated. He keeps apologizing as if whatever happened was a mistake. When to me, it was a blessing. Because that summer, not only did I lose my Best friend . I gained a soul mate. I gained the knowledge and capacity to love someone completely . I learned to be myself and able to represent everything going on my mind.

He waits for my response. I inhale and then finally put my chin up viewing at him, striving to speak from my heart.

" If we are playing the blame game Dave , then you are not the only one responsible."