Loved But Broken

Chapter 17 Finally Going Home

Stepping off the plane back in Sydney was a sight for sore and tired eyes. I was dreading going back to my little home town but that journey was only just beginning I still had a train and bus to catch first. The trip was long. William was still back in Townsville he would still be asleep waking up shortly to find my letter I had left him.

Dear My Sweet Loving William,

By the time you wake and receive this I will be arriving back home

I know we always said we could get through anything together but,

I don’t know how we are ever going to be able to accept that we are no

longer going to be the family, we planned, I love you with all my heart

I appreciate that Bethany and Bobby love us both and they would have been

able to help us both get through this together but my mind is not in the right

space. I hope someday we will see each other again and we can

rekindle our love, there will never be another person that will

replace you in my heart. You are the love of my life. Losing our baby

has taken so much from, my last piece of hope.

I feel like I need to do this, I need to go home and finish my schooling

It is only a couple of years left and I am sure I will be able

to achieve greatness. I know you will be reading this and feel the

pain that I have felt these last months because it pains me

to write this to you. We were forbidden lovers, you were my prince

that came and rescued me in my time of need, I love everything about you,

don’t look at this as goodbye because it definitely isn’t. You are now

and forever more my family that I will always return to.

Please give my love to Beth and Bob I love them like

I would my own grandparents, Beth will always be my kindred spirit.

I know that I am strong and I will get through this. I just don’t think I

can stay where my happiness was taken away because nature decided to be

cruel to the both of us, I will always remember our trips to the

sea on our days off. I have so much to thank you for and I know

I don’t have to tell you just how much I love and appreciate you

One day I will return to you and we can try again, my feelings will

always be with you. I will never forget how your golden eyes

sparkle when your happy or the silver flecks that you get

when you are elated. The way you hold me close in your arms

and the security that they gave me when I felt like there

was no one else for me. You have saved me many times over

and I know in my heart we will get through this in the end.

For now, though I need to do this. I need to know that I can

survive the strength of being without you. Our memories will

live on forever in my heart and soul. You are my heart and soul

I will never stop loving you. But I want you to know that

It is ok if you choose to move on with someone new. It will

break my heart knowing that someone else will be yours but I will get

through. I’ve made arrangements to be picked up from the depot when I

get closer to home, you will be pleased to know that it won’t be my family

I have arranged for one of your friends to pick me up.

They are taking me the rest of the way and will watch over me for

you. They were happy to hear that we were both doing well

and were just as devasted as we are that things didn’t turn out how we

hoped. I know you were able to talk to them about our baby and I

know how hard it is for you too that we lost that chance. I’m giving you a get out of jail free card like you had given me the day we left.

Forever and always my saviour, my light at the end of a long winding tunnel.

I love you today, yesterday, tomorrow always and forever.

My love will never die

Love Sophie xxxxxxxooooo

P.S Stay the way you are always forever my prince.

Lifting my backpack up over my shoulder, tears in my eyes I walked out of the airport towards the train that would take me to Central Station to get the train out back to the country. I tighten the hair tie that was holding my long golden hair in place in its messy bun. I walked away from the steel plane that had carried me this far. Heading back to where things would not have changed in the time I have been gone. I had rung my mother and spoken to her for the first time in six months she was shocked to hear from me when I told her I was coming home she didn’t know what to say. I had emailed all my previous teachers and they were aware of my return and set me up my own lesson plan for when I returned to school next week to begin my final years of schooling. They like myself had hope that I would achieve greatness and the next time I would leave my home would hopefully be under different circumstances. I wasn’t going back to live with my mother and she accepted that after trying to talk me into it. I wasn’t even going to live with Delores. No, it was Mrs Landon that had graciously asked me if I wanted to live with her and her family. She was aware of the way that I had grown up and she knew that I couldn’t return there. She was devastated when I left with William and moved to the farthest point away from the horrors of my childhood. She was the reason I made the decision to come back, she wasn’t aware of the exact circumstances of the loss of my child or exactly why I left that day with the intention of never returning. I was nervous as I boarded the train. I knew eventually I would have to see and speak to my own mother but only when I was ready to.

Usually, the trip by train took forever this was not the first time I had done this trip, years ago I made the journey for a school camp that was held for kids like me that never had much money or got away much. That trip full of learning, I remember it like it was yesterday it was that trip that killed my love for seafood, and ever since I lost the baby I couldn’t stand the taste of any seafood not even seafood sticks which I could handle.

Arriving back mid-afternoon wasn’t so bad, as arranged I had Peter waiting for me on the platform. He stood at six foot one tall, his dark hair was messy like he styled it by brushing his finger through it, he was dressed in his usual dark jeans and flannelette shirt. Seeing him reminded me of William in so many ways. Doubt began to run through my mind if I was doing the right thing. In my heart though I knew I had to.

“Hey Soph, how are you feeling Hun, come here and let me see you,” reaching his arms out to greet me, he pulled me into a tight embrace. “William rang about an hour ago he is a mess dear, you should try and call him, he loves you so much Sophie he said he found your letter and tried to call you but couldn’t get through to you. He didn’t even know you had the money to make the trip his worried terribly about you. Bethany and Bobby were trying to calm him while he was on the phone his simply devasted. Ring him the minute you feel up to it, promise me dear, you’re like a little sister to me you know, as his like a brother to me.” He whispered in my ear while embracing me tightly, tears welling in my eyes again, wishful thinking that I had none left to give. We started out towards his car an older white commodore, it was well looked after, I knew for a fact he rarely used this car because he didn’t like taking it out to any of the farms that he and William worked at together over the time they spent with each other before we left. “Peter, you know you are like to a brother to me too, I know William told you a little about what happened, I will call him when I’m able, I just don’t know what to do. His as lost as I am about what happened up there. I just don’t want him to feel the need that he owes me anything. He is free to move on if he chooses to do, he won’t be able to though if I stay in his life. I know he will only regret it, I’m cursed forever to stay alone, and be unhappy. He deserves to be happy; we had our life planned out and in a cruel moment it was ripped away from us both. I have tried for three months to accept the hand the fate dealt us. I feel like I was swept up in this fantasy and I’m not meant to be happy. You know what it was like for me before here you seen what Dad was like and Mum, she just let it all happen. The day I left with William was meant to be the start of something new.

A fresh beginning for us both. You know we weren’t meant to be together we had to sneak around behind everyone’s back just because we fell in love with each other. How do you get pass all of those obstacles just to have more thrown at you? William deserves more than anyone more than me even to be happy. For that to happen he needs to move on. As I said to him, he will always be the love of my life, my saviour and light when things were so far out of my control. I just need time to adjust to this life now without him. He needs to try to forget me too, I just want to see him happy, he is happy up there despite what happened he is in heaven. My time with him will never leave my memories they will forever be engraved in my heart.”

“But Sophie,” he began to say, “William has only ever wanted all of what you just said for you. It broke his heart seeing you hurt whenever your Dad as you call him would abuse you, he tried so many times to step in but he knew he couldn’t, if he could have taken you away sooner than he did he would have, as far as the loss of your child goes I know the pain you are both feeling right now having been through it as well it is hard to talk about and someday I hope you and I will able to talk about it, you need to talk about it dear for you will always remember and ask yourself a lot of what ifs don’t dwell on the what ifs. He didn’t save you sweet girl, you my dear you saved yourself the day you finally stood up and fought for yourself.” I looked at him shocked how did he know about that day I fought back no one knew not even William knew exactly what happened that day only the last few minutes of my tyrant with my mother and father, that fight was the one that led me to stop talking to them and forced to leave it was weeks later that William and I went back to get a few things and left for Townsville. I wondered just how Peter had found out. I know William couldn’t have told him everything. The only people there that day were Mum and Dad, who were friends with Peter too. No, they couldn’t have I couldn’t believe the betrayal I was now feeling deep inside. They tried to put all of this blame on me. When all along it was them to blame. They knew what they were doing this whole time. All these years I endured the belt, or jug cord, the verbal assaults’ for being the person I am. They had known all along the pain it was causing me.

How could they do this to their only daughter, my mother only had the one daughter but she let it go on for so long would I ever forgive her for what she has done. Peter drove down the country roads lined with over towering gums the whole way the distant gigantic pink round silos seen as you came into the smaller towns was a welcomed sight for sore eyes. I could never forget the feeling of living out here. They say you can take a girl out the country but not the country out of the girl. In this moment I truly understood what they meant by that. For the last six months I had been living on the outskirts of a city and I never felt once there what I felt right now. It was like falling in love for the first time all over again. Slowly I started to smile, Peter glanced at me slightly while still concentrating on the road ahead. “Penny for your thoughts, Soph” he said gently.

In that moment I knew what I had to do, pulling out my phone, I’d upgraded from the brick I first owned before I left here not long after we arrived at Townsville, William had taken me into town to get supplies when I wasn’t looking, he had purchased the latest Samsung D900 slider for me. When he had given me the box, I was shocked to see what it was. My old Nokia 3120 was out of date and barely got any reception anywhere you went, He had even gotten me a new number to go with the phone so I didn’t have to worry about anyone I didn’t want to hear from contact me. After the horrible ordeal with Billie, I was pleased to not have to worry about him getting to me ever again.

I began to dial Williams number, I let it ring once twice three times as I was about to end the call losing my nerve, he answered me. “Sophie what the hell babe,” he said frantically, worry was written in his voice, my heart broke hearing him.. “Sophie, baby please explain to me what is going on. I woke up you weren’t here, I found your letter on the night stand, baby please come back home. You don’t have to do this. Please sweetheart I love you we can get through this baby but only if we are together.” He continued frantically he had been crying I could hear the sadness in his voice as he pleaded with me for my explanation.

“William, please hear me out before saying anything else, yes I’m with Peter now, babe please listen before saying anything else. I’m ringing you now, I’m almost back to the shithole I called home, babe I’m not going back to my parents’ house. I refuse to be put through any more pain there. I needed to leave you babe you deserve so much more than me, I know my leaving is hard for you it broke my heart leaving in the middle of the night, this is something I need to do on my own though. I need to prove to myself and everyone that has known me that I Sophie Louise Porter am capable of making the hard decisions I’m going to finish my last school years and prove to myself that I can make it through anything. Babe promise me to move on. Don’t dwell on what we have lost, everything is written in my letter and William my love please take it easy on Beth she only did what I asked her to do. I’ve been saving money for months I was saving to buy special little things for the baby but we both know how tragically that was taken away from us.

I realised that I could never be truly happy away from the country as I was coming into the small towns out here, I suddenly felt homesick, I love you that will never change. You will always have a special place in my heart. I need to be here. When things settle and I’m ready to talk about it all, you will be the first person I will call.” The line on the other end was silent except from the faint sobs that could be heard gently, “Babe please don’t cry for what we have lost be happy for what we have. Our love was what gave me the strength to fight when I felt like I couldn’t stand up. You babe, you are the one that was able to give me that strength. You have always encouraged me to stand up for what I believe in. I realise it was us that saved me. You gave me a reason to fight. You will always be my reason to stand up for I believe in is right.”

“Sophie, sweetheart, you didn’t have to leave to realise that, I knew that the first day I laid on eyes on you and you didn’t give me your name that you had strength beyond what even you realised, I could see that strength the first time I looked into those sea green eyes, pain and endurance to handle anything that was thrown your way. That day I fell in love with you, I knew it was wrong, I know you felt it as much as I did. Even when you tried to deny your feelings and held back every time, we came close to that first kiss. You have always been the one that was going to save yourself you just needed to believe in yourself. When you finally did, I wasn’t shocked like others were I was so, I am still proud of you. You give your whole heart to everything you set your mind too. I’m not going to try to persuade you to come back but my dear I will make this promise to you I will never be able to move on from you. You are and will always be the only one for me. But if you feel that you need to find yourself and be with others than I won’t stop you. But if I know you like I’m pretty sure I do you won’t move on.” We finished our conversation promising that we would speak again soon. After ending the call, I felt a sense of peace wash over me. We were going to be alright I just know in my heart that things would work out the way we hoped it always will. Peter pulled up to the curb I thanked him for the lift and promised I wouldn’t be a stranger and I would visit soon.

Walking up the steps to my new home I was unsure of how things would turn out in this phase of my life.