Then, Now, Me

Chapter 7: Now

Behind my eyelids, I feel the sun lighting my face. Slowly emerging from sleep, I take note of other sensations: Soft bed, warm room...

Hard body wrapped around me?

My eyes fly open, and the events of the previous night come flooding into my consciousness. Jem and I on the couch in each other"s arms...somehow making it to the bed...kissing…

And then, thankfully, passing out.

To confirm this fact, I look down at myself: Yes, still fully clothed. Thank the Lord.

I slip out of bed, wrestling slightly out of Jem"s arms, and tip toe around the bed to go to the bathroom. Before leaving the room, I glance back and notice Jem repositioning himself on his back with a deep sigh. He really is a beautiful man, I think to myself.

Straightening myself out in the bathroom and doing the usual quick morning routine, I begin to feel anxiety creeping in. I really didn"t anticipate sleeping anywhere other than by myself last night, and now I"m faced with a potentially awkward confrontation this morning when Jem wakes up. I still can"t believe that magnetic pull toward him - he must have felt the same, considering. As I towel my wet face, I think back to the night in more detail…

OOOOO

Jem is spooning me? My brain can barely keep up with my reality.

"What are we doing?" I whisper out loud, and feel Jem pulling me in tighter. "I thought we were just friends."

"I don"t know," he says, sounding slightly bewildered, despite his actions, which seem very much certain. "I just feel this pull toward you."

"Me too," I admit, stroking his arm, now tightly wound around my middle on the couch. "What now?"

Jem pauses, and kisses my hair, nuzzling his nose against my ear. I shiver. "Should we…?"

And I instinctively know what he"s asking me. I tense up, not sure how to respond. I know what I want to do, but I also know what we shouldn"t do.

Jem feels me stiffen, "Oh, no. Not that," he actually laughs slightly. "I won"t do that with someone until I can say that I love them." Again he squeezes me tight. "I was just wondering if we should go to bed."

Oh boy. Now how do I interpret that?

"Um," I manage to say, my judgment clouding with the warmth of his arms and the tingly feeling that is slowly snaking through my whole body. "I guess so." And then, reaching for logic through the fog, "I"ll take the couch."

He actually shifts his body to look down at me. "Are you kidding me?" And then lightly strokes the side of my face. "You get the bed. I"ll take the couch."

"You sure?" I say, and I can"t help but lean into his touch and look up at him with concern.

He smiles with an affection that surprises me and says, "Absolutely, Hun."

So, I slowly - and regretfully - untangle myself from Jem"s embrace. Standing up, I look down at him, who is now pulling a blanket down from the back of the couch to get more comfortable.

He reaches out and grabs my hand with a smile, "Goodnight, Elizabeth."

I smile too, with a little sadness, "Goodnight, Jem."

I make my way to the bedroom, pull down the covers, and climb in under just a sheet on this warm night. I am painfully aware of Jem"s presence in the living room on the couch - and my body is on fire. How am I supposed to actually sleep like this? I wonder to myself.

I hear him shift and cough slightly in the living room. I take a deep breath, and think again to the quote from the movie about taking risks.

I make a decision.

Slipping from the covers, I lightly tread back out to the living room. Jem"s eyes are instantly on me and he sits up. "Do you need something? A different pillow? More blankets?"

I hold out my hand for his and say - with hardly a quiver in my voice, "No, just you."

He studies me carefully. He eases out his hand for mine, and says, "Okay. If you"re sure."

I nod once. "I"m sure. No funny, business, though, right? Just friends?"

Jem stands up, still holding my hand. "Sure."

We make our way back to his bedroom, and my body feels overloaded, like there"s just too much to hold in. We drop hands and make our way to our respective sides. Jem laughs.

"Good thing that"s your side," he adds, "I could never sleep if you picked this side."

I just laugh and snuggle under the light sheet on top of the bed. Jem takes a long swig from his water bottle, and climbs in beside me. We face each other, eyes on the other in the moonlight.

"Thank you for a great day," Jem whispers and reaches out to stroke my cheek again.

"Thank you for having me," I whisper back and cover his hand with my own.

And then, something happens. With that single touch, it"s like a switch has been flipped.

Jem and I reach for each other at the same time, and I don"t have the mental capacity to process the potential consequences these actions might lead to.

Our mouths meet, and we are frantically grasping each other. Jem"s hands are tightly gripping my hips, my back, my face. My own hands are drifting from the back of his head, his shoulders, his lower back. Our hands are desperately collecting every inch of each other"s body.

His kisses are hungry and I can"t help but respond. My hands are on his face, bringing him impossibly closer, and when our tongues and hips meet, he groans.

Suddenly, he flops backwards from his position that was slowly rising above mine.

Reaching out for my hand, he says breathlessly, "I"m sorry. I"m sorry. I"m so sorry."

Breathing heavy, my eyes search for a place to land in the dark, "Don"t be sorry," I manage.

He lifts himself up to a seated posture, pulling me up with him and gathers me into a hug. "For some reason I"m drawn to you," he whispers into my ear, lightly touching his lips to my hair. "I don"t want to do something we"ll regret. Can I just hold you?"

I smile and squeeze him in reassurance. "Sure," I say, relieved, but also disappointed at the same time.

We ease back down on the bed, and Jem settles onto his back. He raises his arm and draws me in close, so my head is resting on his chest. Kissing my head, and then lifting up my chin with his fingers, he looks me in the eyes and says for the second time in this early morning hour, "Goodnight, Elizabeth." And then lightly touches his lips to mine.

"Goodnight, Jeremias," I say back and snuggle my body in close.

My mind manages a single thought - Wow - before passing out into darkness.

OOOOO

Coming back to my current reality, I run my hands through my tangled mess of hair, and make my way back to the bedroom. I"m surprised to find Jem up and leaning on his side, scrolling through his phone as I step back into the room. When he sees me, he looks up and smiles at me sleepily.

"Wanna go to church with me?"