Then, Now, Me

Chapter 6: Then

"Hey, this is really good," I say over a bite of pasta. "What did you put in it?"

Emily is twirling her fork and then piercing mushrooms to prepare the perfect bite. "Well, there"s some cream for the sauce, chicken, parmesan, mushrooms, green peppers, tomatoes, garlic, oil… You know, all the good stuff, really."

"Thanks, Ems," I say, looking up at her and tapping her lightly on the arm. "It means a lot that you would come down here. I can"t remember the last time I made myself a good meal."

Emily smiles. She goes on to say, "So did I tell you the rest about Andrew and me?"

"No," I say, a little curious but not wanting to pry. "You"re staying at a friend"s house now, right? You can always stay here, you know," I look down a little embarrassed. "I know it"s awkward with the way things are, but I would love for you to be here. It"d be nice to have some quality sister time. And Tristan would love having you around, too."

"It"s okay," she says. "I"ll just come visit."

"Anyway, tell me about Andrew," I say, taking a sip of the white wine she brought along for dinner. Tristan is in bed for the night, so I don"t feel too guilty about drinking a little wine.

"Well," she starts with a deep breath. "All kinds of crazy stuff happened after I moved out. He"s all over the place, actually. Like, writing things about wanting me back one moment, and then writing things about how he"s happy to be rid of me and he can"t wait to date and stuff."

"Do you know if he"s getting help for his anger issues?" I say, reflecting on how crazy it is that our situations are similar.

"Not sure," Emily says, sitting back in her chair with her glass of wine. "His brother talks to me, though. He"s super concerned about him." She"s quiet for a moment and says, "I still can"t forget the look in his eyes when he like, exploded at me by my car. I just wanted to leave and I really knew he was going to hit me." She shakes her head, "I actually can"t believe he didn"t. He was definitely winding up to do just that."

"Yeah, I know the feeling," I said, taking another slightly larger sip of wine. Scott"s whole body would ignite in anger and with the way he tossed things across the room or slammed a chair down and then towered over me, I was convinced the next step was physical beatings.

I didn"t want to stick around and test that particular theory.

"Anyway," she says, "I think since he"s in the military, they offer really good counseling for those guys who have been affected. I hope he does something about it." And it seems with that comment, she"s done with the conversation.

"So what"s new on the job front?" my sister is graduating from her many years of school and looking to be a school psychologist somewhere. I"m hoping she decides to move from Rhode Island to Massachusetts. Considering the circumstances, maybe we could even be roommates.

My sister, Emily, is essentially my best friend. She may be close to a decade younger than me, but for some reason, we"ve gotten incredibly close. It"s been a little strange lately what with my marriage to Scott unraveling and her relationship to Andrew taking a dramatic turn, but I still consider her to be someone I trust the most. It"s funny because I was supposed to have a twin in the womb, but the second baby never fully formed. Emily and I like to tell people that we"re twins - just separated by nine years.

Emily continues talking about her job prospects, "Well, I"ve applied to a bunch of different places. Somewhere in Massachusetts, Rhode Island, and actually, Colorado, too."

"To be near Matt?" our brother, Matt, moved out to Colorado a couple years ago chasing a great job offer. Unfortunately, that fell through, but he still managed to land a decent job out west. He loves it there, but from what I gather, is a little lonely.

"Yeah, I figured I"d apply to places near family, you know? See what happens."

Unable to feel fully enthusiastic about the possibility of not just Matt but also Emily living that far away, I have to force a smile and nod. My selfish fear creeps in at that moment and thinks, But who"s going to be here with me? Am I really going to be all alone? Do they even care?

Because I"m a poor actress and because I have to be honest, I say, "Oh Emily, I"m happy you have options. I"m not going to lie and say I"m happy you might be leaving. I would really love to have family nearby, you know?"

She just nods and doesn"t say anymore.

And with that small gesture, my stomach drops. My intuition is shaking her head at me in pity.

OOOOO

Within weeks, I"ve lost touch with my sister.

How did this happen? I keep asking myself.

I found out - via f*******: no less - that my sister got the job she really wanted out in Colorado and she was going to move in another month or so. Truth be told, I am crushed. But, I congratulated her and said how much I would miss her and even though I was happy for her, I was still so sad she"d be leaving. Maybe I was too honest.

Soon after that, she became radio silent. I think something about me saying this prompted a kind of guilt in her that she didn"t want - I even feel a little resentment from her because I said those things.

I smile down at Tristan sitting on the floor, playing with his toys. Occasionally I have to put him in his pack "n play so he doesn"t wreak havoc around the house while I"m trying to get things done. The boy can really move these days.

So while he"s playing, I quickly log in to my f*******: profile and scroll down the news feed.

"Hey, guys! I need your help! I"m leaving for Colorado in less than a month and need to complete my "bucket list" before I go. Who wants in?"

Emily. The one I hadn"t seen and had barely heard from in a couple weeks posted on f*******: a desire to go down a list of things she had to do before leaving New England.

I close my laptop with a sigh. Was it selfish of me to need my sister right now? She"s the only family I have nearby and I need her so much. I"m taking care of Tristan mostly on my own right now with Scott having moved in with his parents, and I just need her in so many ways. Mom and Dad...well, they"ve drawn their lines. Even so, they wouldn"t fly out from Indiana for me. That"s not speculation; that"s a fact.

With another sigh, I realize deeply and truly, that I"m alone in this.

OOOOO

Weeks fly by. My sister texts me occasionally, but never calls again, which is weird since we used to talk all of the time. Scott continues to give me a hard time and talks with my lawyer are getting more intense. Still nothing from my parents, except the occasional guilt-ridden texts from my dad: "At least tell us that Tristan is okay" "Do you know what this is doing to your mother?" And I simply cannot bring myself to talk to them at this point. With everything that has happened - in relation to this situation and frankly, throughout my whole life - it"s time I put some distance in our relationship.

Come to think of it, I haven"t heard from my brother either. It"s been months, and I never got a call back after I tried calling on Easter. Strange.

I login to my f*******: account once again - my weekend morning ritual.

I click on my sister"s profile, and it is littered with pictures of her out with friends, and at all kinds of different places of interest all over New England. Her smiles plaster the computer screen in various backdrops, surrounded by equally happy faces. My heart sinks, realizing that I wasn"t invited to any of it. And then finally, I see her most recent post:

"Off to the airport to start my new life in Colorado! Giddy-up! Love you all and thanks for a great month."

I didn"t even know when she was leaving. Is she gone already?

Her f*******: profile shows that her flight was early this morning and she should be touching down later this afternoon.

She left without saying goodbye? Huh?

As the lid of my laptop slams shut, so do my eyes. I think solemnly with tremendous pain, Am I invisible?