Then, Now, Me

Chapter 11: Now

From the moment we leave church to the moment I deem it necessary to leave, time passes by in a blur.

We"re honestly not sure what to make of each other. At times it feels awkward, as though we"re wondering how to behave around each other, and at other times, it feels as though we"ve known each other for years. I wait for him to grab my hand walking into the mall - which he eventually does - and then wait for him to move in closer as we sit down to eat our food - which he also eventually does. We joke, we tease, and tell more about ourselves in the short snippet of time we"re allowed before I have to drive back to Massachusetts.

"It really feels like I"ve known you," Jem stops to think of a time frame and continues, "well, let"s just say it feels like I"ve known you way longer than just a day." He laughs.

I nudge him with my shoulder as I take another bite of my slice of pizza, and agree, "I know." And then, despite my inner self warning me to slow down, I say, "I"m going to miss you, I think."

He looks at me, smiles, and says, "You ready to go?"

A little disappointed at his lack of reciprocating a response, I internally shrug it off and nod my head.

OOOOO

Back at Jem"s house, I linger by the doorway with him, my things gathered up and ready to head out.

"So, will I see you again?" I say, feeling anxious about my growing feelings for him and not knowing whether or not I can trust this situation.

Jem looks at me for a couple of seconds and says slowly, "You know, we"ll just have to see how we feel and go from there, I guess." He adds, seemingly an afterthought, "I know I don"t want you to go, though."

I smile and move to give him a hug goodbye. He reciprocates, holding me tight.

I begrudgingly start to pull away, when Jem pushes his body into mine and presses me up against the back of the couch. Holding my face in his hands, and looking at me with a fierce intensity that lights me up inside, he kisses me. It"s slow at first and then quickly escalates into a kind of desperation. His hands are tense and gripping me tight - in a way that makes me feel like he"s afraid to let go. I encircle my arms tighter around his neck, welcoming his advances.

Kissing this man is intoxicating, I manage to conclude through my loss of coherent thought.

He finally pulls away, and we"re forehead to forehead.

"I guess you have to go," Jem says, not moving to allow me to go, though. Not in the slightest.

"Yeah," I whisper back. I bite my tongue before I ask if I can see him again for the second time. I close my eyes tight, forcing the wall in my heart to clamp down. I cannot afford to get my hopes up and get my heart broken. Again.

I"m done with that.

And it"s those thoughts that help me be the one to push away - literally and figuratively - and start to move toward the door. I can sense that Jem is confused and maybe hurt by my sudden retreat. Inside, I"m conflicted. A big part of me is feeling a sense of grim satisfaction that I can turn off my emotions, and another part - the ever hopeful part of me - is disappointed. Ultimately, though, my desire to avoid further romantic pain overrules any other, and I begin my exit back to reality.

I look back over my shoulder at him, and actually feel a little sorry about the look on his face. Since shutting down my feelings, though, I"m able to dismiss any sympathy quickly. I give him a small smile, and say, "Goodbye, Jeremias." And then throw back casually, as I"m about to close the door behind me, "It was lovely to meet you."

With that, I walk swiftly to my car, toss my bags inside, plop in the driver"s seat and with smooth precision, leave without looking back toward the house. Not even once.

There, I think and continue to lecture myself. That"s done. Do not hope for anything. Do not contact him. He said he"s not ready, and you"re only setting yourself up for heartache. He lives far from you anyway. Just let it go.

And yet, I still can feel the niggling voice in the back of my head squeak out, Yeah, but, what if...?

Growling to myself before the thought develops into something harder to dismiss, I flick on my radio, and banish all memory about the past 24 hours.

You will not do this to yourself, I think angrily. Never again.

OOOOO

I pull into my townhouse condo an hour and a half later, and let out a loaded sigh. Somehow the song lyrics, "Back to life, back to reality" pop into my head and with them, comes a deep sense of loneliness. At least I get to see Tristan tomorrow - the now leading man I can accept in my life. I get to have him a few days this week and then also the full weekend.

That one realization unexpectedly leads my brain to a fleeting sense of disappointment - if I have Tristan, I probably shouldn"t even consider seeing Jem again this weekend. In no world is it appropriate to bring a two-year-old to meet a guy I"ve only known for a day. My disappointment turns to a kind of resignation; it"s just another reason why Jem is simply a bad idea.

Yes, my reality indeed.

Ironically, it"s at that moment, my phone buzzes. Looking down, I see it"s one from Jem.

Jem: u home yet ?

Tempted to play the avoidance game, I put the phone away in my purse while I unpack my belongings from the car. I am legitimately and actively trying not to consider the possibility of anything with Jeremias at all, and in order to do that, my mind wants to ignore all attempts at making him more real.

In my life, all situations with men have ultimately resulted in variations of disaster. Why would this one be any different?

That"s my logic, anyway.

And yet, as I"m unpacking my clothing about twenty minutes later, I revisit my phone. My need to be polite outweighs my need for avoidance.

Damn morals.

Me: Yeah, got home a few mins ago.

Surprisingly, Jem responds immediately.

Jem: Oh good. How r u?

Me: Alright... tired. And you?

Jem: I keep thinking about the past 24 hrs... Feels like a movie lol

In spite of myself, I chuckle at the comparison.

Me: Ha yeah, I guess it kinda does.

Jem: It"s weird

Me: Hmm weird? How?

Jem: Uh well... I miss you actually

Taking a deep breath, I force my heart back to its normal rhythm. Again, I lecture myself to keep my emotions in check.

Me: Miss you too

Jem: What happens now Hun

Fighting off more feelings of anxiety, I try not to let my thoughts go into spiral mode and provide the only answer I can manage: a vague one.

Me: Not sure... :-

OOOOO