Then, Now, Me

Chapter 2: Then

"Scott, I don"t know what you want me to say," I say quietly, desperately trying to deescalate his anger. I"m wringing my hands in front of me, trying to remain calm in the face of his tirade.

Looking down at me from his 6"5" frame, he projects in his typical stern tone, "What kind of home are we bringing this child into?! How could I even think that you were ready to be a mother when you"re so incredibly selfish? Do you know how much I do around here and how good you have it? Do you?!" He stops and looks down at my hands, "And quit holding your hands like that. You make it seem like I"m a parent lecturing you."

Breathing in deeply, I pull my hands behind my back and say as gently as possible, "Scott, I"m sorry. I didn"t know when you"d be home and - "

"I"m so sick and tired of that excuse! Why do I come home to the mail unopened, still in a pile? Why do you never have dinner ready for me? Is the laundry even done? What have you been doing?" He pauses to ironically laugh to himself and says, "Oh right. You need your" - he adds air quotes for effect - ""down time" after work."

"Scott, I had a really long day at school, and I just got home - "

"Well, Elizabeth, I just don"t care anymore. You are a selfish person, and I should have known from the start this was a bad idea. You don"t really care about me," He goes on, seeming to seethe with anger now, "You only care about yourself! You"re going to be a horrible mother."

"Please don"t say that," I whisper, with deep-seated self-loathing bubbling over in my heart. "I"m sorry." I add, against my better judgment, "If you could just tell me when you"ll be home, I can make sure - "

Scott laughs, bitterly, "You think that will help? You"re just making excuses now. You know I work late during this time of year. I shouldn"t have to tell you exactly when I"m coming home," he seems to rethink his comments and adds, "but honestly, I do tell you!"

I am compelled to add, "But you"re rarely home when you say you are and - "

"You know what? Just leave me alone. I"m sleeping downstairs tonight. I can"t even stand to look at you right now."

OOOOO

"Come on! It"s not me with the problem!" Scott shouts from the other room, barely able to contain himself.

As the tears roll down my cheeks, I can hear Scott"s dad, trying to talk him down, "Well, son, it takes two - "

"Yeah, but it"s more her! Do you know what she expects me to do and I get barely any help in return?" Scott, again, shouts, unable to stay seated at the dining room table. "I do everything!"

I look up at Scott"s mom, sitting on the couch, while I"m sitting on the floor with a 1-year-old Tristan. I look at Scott"s mom and say, "All I was asking was for help outside with the yard, and he just blew up at me. I don"t know how to manage him when he gets like that."

Scott"s mom, Nancy, simply looks down at me and says dismissively, "Don"t worry about it." As I begin to stand up to go into the dining room, Nancy shakes her head and says, "Just leave them alone. The first year after the baby is born is always one of the hardest times. It"ll pass."

I"m not so sure about that, I thought to myself warily, as I heard Scott launch into another round of attacks on my character.

OOOOO

It"s after Tristan learns how to sit up by himself and I"m showering his little cheeks with celebratory kisses that Scott unexpectedly walks in the door from work, with a slam and a heavy sigh.

It"s been an especially hard year or so for our marriage, but I try to muster up the energy to ask him about his day. My heart is racing, unsure of the kind of reaction I"ll get from him today. From the scowl on his face, I"m pretty sure I know what will happen next.

"Hi Scott! How was your day?" I ask with barely concealed exhaustion.

"Well, I would talk to you about that, but the mail isn"t opened and dinner isn"t made, so I have to do that first."

And with that, he turns his back to me.

OOOOO

"What is this?" Scott asks accusingly, as I walk in the door from picking up a few grocery items Scott had me pick up with coupons he clipped.

"Umm, I don"t know," I say, instantly panicking about what I did wrong this time. Scott"s whole body is rigid with tension and anger.

"How late did this bill go out? Why is there a late fee?" He continues to interrogate me as I try to wrap my brain around the piece of paper waving in my face.

And suddenly, my heart sinks deeply in my chest when I remember that I was a couple days late on a bill last month. "Oh, I"m really sorry. I forgot about this one bill and - "

"I ask you to do one thing, and now we have to pay a $25 fee?" He asks, looking at me with the kind of incredulous expression that might have been hysterical to anyone else, but to me, utterly terrifying.

I have nothing to say in response, except, "I"m sorry, Scott."

He rolls his eyes, tosses the paper on the counter and then, unfortunately, turns to me again. "So, what did you get?"

Already wary, I say as I hand him the receipt, "Well, I didn"t see the yogurt you were talking about, so I picked up this other kind in a 4-pack that looked like a good deal."

"Beth, why didn"t you call me?" He says, winding up again after looking at the receipt, "This isn"t a good deal. At all! There are only four yogurts in this pack, and for this price, you"re paying more for them than what you could get with this other deal. Plus, these yogurts are all one flavor!"

"I"m sorry. I didn"t think it was a big deal," I say, trying to smooth over what appears to be another tirade in the making. "I don"t mind that they"re all the same flavor, and it was only a dollar difference."

"Not a big deal?! Only a dollar difference? I clipped this coupon specifically for these yogurts. Why didn"t you try the other market down the road? You"re so impatient!" he borderline shouts, "Let me remind you, this yogurt is not for me. It"s for your lunches. The least you can do is follow my instructions when I ask for just a couple groceries to be picked up," he says with unfathomable disgust toward me. "Nevermind. I"ll just do this myself from now on, since you can"t do anything right."