I want my life back

CHAPTER 1

            I vaguely remember being a person full of life. I loved life even though I did not know how to live it. I loved everything around me, and I fed on the love of the people around me. 

        I needed them and their love to learn to live, but I did not think I needed their wickedness. I did not ask to come into this world, nor did I ask to be trampled on. An uncommon evil and indescribable selfishness. 

        This what loved ones offer and especially to those who expect only good things from them. I thought I could not live without someone around me. 

        I was always obsessed with wanting to have someone with me all the time.  I wanted to be able to rely on someone, to know that someone was always there to help me when I needed to.

        Every day, each of us makes a lot of choices that will impact our lives. Some of these are of minor importance and will influence us in the next few minutes, hours, or days, while others will completely change the course of our lives. 

        Some choices are easier to make, others harder.  Some will lead us directly to success, while others will lead us to failure.  Some will seem overwhelmingly important, while others will seem completely insignificant. 

        But what we need to know is that every choice, important or not, easy or difficult, that we take individually or collectively changes the course of our lives.  The quality of our choices will decide if we will deal with the frustrations or live an extraordinary life, the life of our dreams. 

        Our ability to make choices implies certain rights and freedoms. If we can choose, we can determine what decisions to make concerning our bodies, health, relationships, finances and careers, social lives, and spiritual beliefs.    The option allows us to choose, to select, to decide between the possible ways to go. 

        To go right or left.  Go forward or backward; be happy or sad, loving, or hateful, satisfied, or dissatisfied.  Choosing gives us the power to be successful or unfulfilled, be good or extraordinary, and feel pleasure or pain. 

        We can be held responsible for our actions or victims.  We must give up the idea of always victimizing ourselves and blaming others for our choices.  We are our own masters and the only ones we can choose as far as we are concerned. 

        We can be busy or not, faithful or not, disciplined, or lazy.  We can go on a path that reflects our higher self or one that reflects our lower self; we are the ones to choose in the end.

        If anyone asked me at this point, what is dissatisfying me in my life or what I feel like I am missing, I would answer briefly and dryly: myself.  How is that coming?  Just like this. 

        I miss myself, calm, and patient, tolerant, and understanding. I lost it, and I do not know when and do not know where and in what conditions. 

        I miss the spontaneous person I used to be, the person who was replaced by someone I no longer recognize, someone who was always stressed and tired. 

        Free time has turned into a time for lying and for loneliness because I have come to prefer loneliness instead of people hoping that I will find my joy and longing for life in absolute peace.  I feel like a pot under pressure or rather like a potato boiled and forgotten in the pot under pressure. 

        I seem to disintegrate piece by piece. I have no power over me anymore.  People around me always have expectations, criticism, and dissatisfaction.  And me? 

        What about me?  Who heals my soul every time he is trampled?  Who suffers in my place?  Who is fighting for me?  I still.  With each new fight, I lose a little bit of myself.  And I got tired.  I do not recognize myself anymore.  And I want me back; I want my life back. 

        Maybe if I knew the moment or the day, I lost it would be much easier to find the reason I used to be.  I do not know if I got lost on my own or was forced by the consequences and people in my life.  I do not know where I am stuck, in what country, or maybe in someone's mind! 

        I have traveled through so many countries and so many human minds that I do not know where I have stayed.  Maybe I am only tired or sad.  Maybe there were storms in me today, and a new rainbow will come tomorrow. 

        Maybe I just lost my way and have not found it yet.  Maybe ... nothing, leave.  Just talk to me a little.  Sometimes I even talk to me for several reasons.  One of them would be that when talking to me, I am my own critic. 

        Nobody hears me, and no one can judge me. I have lost so many times myself and always born another version of me, either worse or better.  I even lost my soul.  I think it would have been a lot easier if I had sold it to the devil. 

        I would probably have had more satisfaction or more opportunities to succeed in life.  Maybe if I had made a pact with the devil, I would have managed to control my anger and disappointment. 

        I think we all want to succeed in life, and often, we do not even know the plan with which we started.  Maybe today, we want something, and we plan to get to that, but after a few days or even weeks of testing, we realize that we want something else.   This is how we run our whole life after the illusions that, at one point, make us realize that we have lost the path we started. 

        We want so many things, and we realize that we have not managed to get even one.  I have so many words in my brain that I wonder how it still stands.  If I did not talk to myself, I would probably go crazy. 

        My soul can no longer bear a heavy burden.  Some words cannot be uttered, and there are painful words.  Why don't we have the courage to tell them?  I have tried a few times.  I like to be a sincere and direct person. 

        A good person with a good heart.  I have done enough bad deeds, but not so serious as to burden my soul.  Whenever I tried to be honest, to say exactly what I think and feel, people misunderstood me or did not understand me. 

        I can count on the fingers of one hand the people who really understood me and did not feel offended by my words.  I hurt people just because I was honest, just because I had the courage to say exactly what I was thinking and feeling in those moments.  I was always disappointed and sad. 

        I did not understand why people cannot accept the truth. I did not understand why people like to be lied to and told what they want to hear.  This, I think, was the culminating moment when I started to lose myself. 

        The fact that I could not say what I was feeling and what I was thinking.  It was crushing me a lot, and I did not know how to act.  I did not know when to talk or when to shut up.  I did not understand if it was time to be me or someone else. 

        That is how I became more and more sad and silent.  I, who once radiated happiness, even when I was not, who smiled beautifully and honestly, became over the years a person I no longer recognize. 

        My soul bears heavy burdens, words, wishes, and feelings that leave deep wounds.  I have tried a few times to exteriorize some of them, to allow them to come to light; maybe my life will be easier. 

        Indeed, I felt much better; I really felt like I was floating.  It was as if I had lost a few pounds in weight.  I felt incredibly good at saying words that hurt me too much, words that I noticed I was hurting others. 

        Maybe I felt better, but when I noticed that others were not good, my well-being disappeared.  And so, little by little, I learned to silence.  I see my being groans in pain as a dwelling in which it does not shine even the slightest light, like a house lost in the fog. 

        However, the fire can be reborn from the ashes. The main conflict in our consciousness is between what we are and what we want to be.  Life and death, good and evil, hope and resignation coexist in all people and manifest themselves in all aspects of our lives. 

        If we did not experience fear, we could not know the courage.  If we did not face dishonesty, we could not recognize honesty. And yet, most people challenge their own dualistic nature. 

        If we live with the presumption that we are a unitary being with a limited range of human qualities, it is worth asking the question of why we are no longer satisfied with our present life. 

        Why do we have access to so much wisdom, but we lack the strength and courage to put our best intentions into action and make inspired choices?  And more importantly, why do we continue to act to the detriment of our value system and the principles we believe in? 

        I believe that the answer to the above questions has to do with our dark self, known in psychology and under the shadow self (or shadow, simply), which contains within us all our unclaimed power and of which we are not aware because we do not know our own life well enough. In this place where we would never have thought, there is the key that can unlock our full power, happiness, and ability to live our dreams openly. 

        We have been conditioned as a child to fear our lives' shadowy side and our unknown nature.  Whenever we encounter a dark thought or behavior that we consider unacceptable, we run away, taking refuge in our shell again.  Scared, we hide here, praying and hoping that the thought or behavior will disappear by itself. 

        Why do we do this?  Because we fear that no matter how hard we try, we will never be able to escape this dark part of our being.  Although everyone ignores or suppresses their dark side, the reality is that avoiding the shadow only amplifies its power.   Her denial only leads to even more suffering, more regret, and even more resignation. 

        If we refuse to take responsibility and extract the wisdom hidden beneath the surface of our conscious mind, the shadow will take control over us and will unleash, doing whatever it wants with us. 

        This is the effect of the shadow.  Under its influence, our dark side makes decisions in our place, thus seizing our right to make conscious choices about the food we consume, the money we spend, our dependencies, etc. 

        The shadow encourages us to act in ways we would never have thought of, and it wastes our vital energy through our bad habits and repetitive behaviors.  It prevents us from manifesting ourselves as we would like, to openly display our inner truth and live an authentic life. 

        We will never free ourselves from behaviors that can harm us if we do not accept our own duality.  If we do not recognize and become aware of everything we are, the shadow's effect will continue to blind us and control our lives. 

        The effect of the shadow can be seen everywhere.  It is practically ubiquitous in our lives and can be recognized in all aspects of our lives.  We read about it on the Internet. 

        We see it in the evening news and in our friends, family members, or strangers on the street.  But most significant is the fact that we recognize it in our thoughts, behaviors, and interactions with other people. 

        Unfortunately, we fear that if we project the light of consciousness on this darkness, we will feel ashamed, or even worse, that we will live the nightmare of our lives.  The thought of what we might discover inside us frightens us, so we prefer to bury our heads in the sand like ostriches and refuse to face our shady side.

        We all feel a need for order, but also a need for chaos.  When you feel the need for order, use order, that is, the conscious mind; when you feel the need for chaos, unleash your subconscious and bring chaos into your life. 

        The plenary person is the one who can be used equally by both aspects, which does not allow the interference of the conscious mind with the subconscious plans, but neither of the subconscious with the conscious plans. 

        In the totality of life, I believe in the alternation between days and nights, between sunny and cloudy days.  I believe we can enjoy all that life has to offer.  All we need is a little lucidity to be aware of what is going on in our lives and enjoy it.  We are not one with the mind, nor with the body. 

        There is a witness within us who can look at his mind, emotions, physiological reactions.  This witness is our true self.  Has the ability to enjoy everything once we focus on it.  It is the mind that feels the pain, the suffering.  Is the one who feels all emotions, attachments, desires, and lusts. 

        But all these are only projections of the mind; behind our mind is our real self, which never disappears.  It is always present, here, and now.  If you feel angry, be angry, without judging yourself, without condemning or justifying yourself. 

        I lose control very rarely, but when it happens, I explode.  I am just starting to scream and throw everything I can find around the house.  No matter what I break or destroy, the anger darkens my mind and my thinking so much that I do not even realize where I am. 

        I say almost everything I have in my soul.  Even in those moments of anger, I have restraints in saying everything I think and feel. You must know that you will feel much better if when you get angry, you break something, anything. 

        It is more advisable to point your anger at an object than at a person.  One object will break, and you will be able to buy another, but if you physically hurt a person, you will regret it later, and you will not be able to live peacefully with the loaded consciousness.

        Our present is based on the choices we made yesterday and those of three days, three months, or three years ago.  We cannot get huge debts because of one extravagant expense. 

        We do not even weigh 10 pounds because we eat copiously at one meal.    And our relations, of course, do not end overnight, following a single heated dispute.  We are where we are due to inappropriate subconscious choices that we make absolutely every day, which come to form the reality we are in. 

        If we want to understand better how we created the present reality, we need only to see the choices we have made in the past.    Examining the current conditions will show us that we have reached where we are, following the results of the decisions taken yesterday before yesterday and in the previous days.    Similarly, if we want to see what our life will look like in the future, we must study our choices today. 

        Perhaps we have never thought of our life in this way.  But our future will certainly depend on the decisions we make right now.  So, why is it that most of us spend so little time thinking about the choices we make? 

        Why, often, do we not look in both directions before we go ahead and weigh all the possible options and their consequences?  Our lives are not a gamble that we are unlucky or because of our parents, husband, or boss. 

        This has its advantages and disadvantages.  The disadvantage is that we are the only ones responsible for our lives.  The advantage is that we and only we have the power to change our lives, and we can do it at any time.  It is quite simple: if we want our lives to be different, we must make other choices. 

        Most of us continue to make the same choices, as usual, comfort, fear, or laziness, and then wonder why we do not get different results.  The truth is that we are so busy with survival that we do not even realize that our choices and actions do not lead us to fulfill our hopes and dreams. 

        We are too preoccupied with our daily routine and prefer to go on the easiest, best known, or least resistant path, even if it leads us to a place we do not want to reach.  Many of us stumble every day, trying to do everything we can, without being aware of and having the tools to change the course of our lives. 

        Then we are amazed when we wake up and discover that we have been fighting for the same goals and desires for years, and we are still not where we would have wished.  I used to be the kind of person who will do whatever the obstacles when she sets out to do something. 

        I used to be very spontaneous, which allowed me to realize what I was proposing at the moment.  These are the most important times when a person can do something without restraint and obstacles.  Spontaneity brings great success in our lives. 

        When I plan to do something, I cannot get the plan to the end because I turn it all over until I change my mind or think it may not have been such a good idea.  But when I am spontaneous, I manage to get to the end, which I have just proposed for the simple fact that I do not stay a seamstress; I think too much or plan what I want to do.