Conflicted Love

Doubts

My father was stood behind the front door when I entered the pack house, his face failing to hide his displeasure. 

"What is the meaning behind the drama at school today?" he demanded. 

"Hi father, nice to see you too. How was your day?"

"Enough!" he roared, "I've had just about enough of your attitude since you came of age! You might be an adult now, but you are still my daughter and as such, you will treat me with respect!"

I stared back at him. Quite honestly, I didn't know what to say now. I was irked at his greeting, but he was right - this attitude of mine had developed since my birthday and I barely recognised myself. Before the weekend, I would never have dreamed of speaking to my father like that. Neither did I like being blamed for events that were out of my control. So I stood my ground a little and just looked at my father, waiting for him to speak once more. 

After a time, he did, "I've heard about the commotion at school today - care to explain" he asked, calmly, but through gritted teeth. 

Sighing slightly, I did my best to tell the story in a way that wouldn't get either Jasper or Felix into too much trouble, making their rivalry sound more playful than it was and slightly dramatising Imogen's antagonistic nature. Felix still didn't come off very well in that version, but it was the best I could do. 

"I see," said my father, hooking his thumbs into the belt loops of his suit trousers, "So this Imogen girl just didn't like you getting the attention of two boys?" 

"Pretty much! Humans can be fickle," I rolled my eyes. 

"That may be so, but we still have to co-exist with them. Might I suggest you do your best to keep a low profile for a while?" 

"Again, it wasn't my fault anyway. But yes father, I will try." 

He pressed his lips into a hard line at my words, "Thank you. Have you anything else to tell me about the boys? Any idea of which way this is all going?"

I frowned, "No, not really. They both still make me feel the pair bond and I still don't know all that much about them. I need some more time." 

My father seemed resigned to my response before I even gave it. He took a small piece of paper from the inside pocket of his jacket. 

"Very well. Felix politely asked that I pass along his number so that you two can talk if you wish," he made to head back to his office after handing me the note, but paused and looked back for a second, "Probably not high on your list of rebellious agenda right now, but I do approve of the way that one conducts himself." 

With that, he was gone, his office door swinging shut behind him. I breathed out slowly, turning the paper over and over in my hands. 

~*~ 

Back in my bedroom after an awkward lunch with my family, where my father ate mostly in silence, my mother had fussed and clucked over all of us with vigour as her way of dealing with the stress and my younger siblings had teased me mercilessly, despite being chastised, I had struggled to keep my mind on my homework. Throwing my pen down with relief once I'd finally finished, I stared at the closed books for a while, mind racing. 

Absently, I picked up Felix's phone number and turned it over in my fingers as I stared at the wall. This was driving me crazy. 

Clearing away my books, I added his number to my mobile and pondered over what to text him. 

Hey, it's Erin. My dad gave me your number. 

There, keep it simple. I changed into some fresh pyjamas as my phone pinged with a response. 

Hi Erin. Thanks for texting me. I wasn't sure you'd want to speak to me after today. I'm sorry if what I did at school got you into trouble. 

It did, but it wasn't your fault. Imogen and I have history. 

It was sweet that he apologised, even though it wasn't his fault she kicked off. I flicked the TV on, but couldn't find anything I wanted to watch. I opened a book I was halfway through, but after reading the same sentence over and over without registering what it said, I gave up on that too. My phone pinged again. 

She and I have history too. I guess you'll have heard at some point. Look, I know you said you wanted to get to know us so if you want to call, or meet up at some point, just let me know. 

I read his message over a few times. He was much less intense than Jasper, but I couldn't work out if that was good or bad. I bit my lip as I pressed Call. 

"Hey!" his sultry voice sounded pleasantly surprised as he answered, "Everything okay?"

"Yeah, I just figured... no time like the present, I guess! Are you okay to talk?" 

"Fine, no problem," a door slammed in the background, "I just got in from work." 

"Oh, cool - where do you work?"

"Well, I work two jobs as often as I can arrange shifts," he sounded a bit awkward, "One place is the pet store in the next town and the other, the fast food joint on the high street. Neither is glamorous, but it's money in the pot." 

I got the impression this was an uncomfortable topic for some reason, "Fair enough. I can't wait to leave school and start earning my own money." 

"Yeah, it's... great."

I cringed, "So, umm, listen... I was hoping maybe we could meet up at some point. I wanted to talk more about what you said the other night."

"Okay..." he sounded tense, "Well, I'm free-"

My concentration was taken from the rest of Felix's sentence by a voice in my head, Erin, I'm back! Can we talk? 

What the hell? 

"S-sorry Felix, I didn't quite get that, what were you saying?"

"I'm free tomorrow afternoon if you-" 

Come on, don't ignore me! It was hell, leaving you earlier. Sneak out, I'll meet you in the farm building! 

Jasper! We spoke, like, three hours ago! 

I know, but it feels a lot longer than that! 

"Erin?" 

FUCK.

"Sorry Felix, Jasper's outside my house and he won't stop mind-linking me. I can't concentrate. Hold on."

Jasper, I'm on the phone! 

It's that bastard, isn't it? Why can't he just leave you alone? 

I could ask you the same thing, I snapped. 

"Erin, look, this clearly isn't a good time. I'll leave you to it. Call me back if you decide you want to talk." 

"No, Felix, I didn't ask him to-" but he'd hung up. 

Great! Thanks, Jasper. Now he's hung up on me. 

Well, that's not very nice is it? he quipped, with barely-contained glee. 

Yeah, you sound devastated! 

I can hear you sighing at me from here, Jasper's voice turned suddenly deeper, heavier. 

I rolled my eyes, safe in the knowledge that he couldn't see me even though my stomach clenched involuntarily at the tone of his voice. Jasper's persistence amused and frustrated me in equal measure, How am I supposed to get to know you both if you keep hounding me? 

I'm sorry about Jasper. I didn't ask him to come round. Please let me know when we can talk. I text Felix in the hope he might call back, but Jasper was still humming away in my mind. Literally humming in the mind link. 

Jasper, you're driving me crazy! 

I'm not leaving until you come out and speak to me. 

Felix is a lot more respectful than that, you know, my father's comment coming back to me. I knew it wasn't entirely fair to goad him, but I'd had a long day and I wanted to make a point. 

Respectful? Or just doesn't care enough? 

What are you trying to say, exactly? 

Oh come on, Erin! The guy has done nothing but flake on you. He bolted on your birthday, he couldn't back down and get away fast enough outside school and now he's hung up on you! Doesn't sound like you're his all-consuming love to me. 

My phone agreed in silence. No response from Felix. I bit my lip. 

Erin, please. I can barely keep myself from you. If Felix was your true mate, he wouldn't be distancing himself from you so much. Wake up and smell the fakery! 

Sorry Jasper, but I'm not willing to make that judgement based on the opinion of someone who has everything to gain by swaying my decision. I'm tired. If you do care about me, will you please just go so I can try to get to sleep? I lied. I wasn't tired at all. Not physically, anyway. But I was running low on patience.

Okay, if that's really what you want. I just want you to be happy. 

Thank you. I'm sure I'll see you at school tomorrow. 

I love you. 

I didn't try to respond, just laid on my bed staring at the ceiling, hoping that Jasper really had gone. Emotions swirled inside me. Doubt was creeping into my mind. Fear of making the wrong decision was being replaced by frustration, then anger, despair, then fear again. It was exhausting, but my mind wouldn't shut up long enough for me to fall asleep. No reply on my phone. 

Flinging myself out of bed, I stormed off for a shower. If I couldn't sleep, I might as well do something other than stare into the dark. The hot water made me jump again. These extra sharp senses were taking some getting used to. My mind drifted back to my two supposed suitors all too quickly and I was irritated with myself to find that I was paying far too much attention to Jasper's latest gripes. He's done nothing but flake on you. Technically, not wrong. 

What if Jasper's right? What if Felix doesn't really care about me? What if he's pulling the wool over my eyes and I'm putting Jasper through all of this for nothing? 

An uneasy weight settled in my stomach as I slowly dried myself and climbed back into my pyjamas. Plugging my phone into my charger before falling into an unsettled sleep, I checked it one last time. 

Still no reply from Felix.