Conflicted Love

Midnight Musings

I barely slept that night.

Sat on my windowsill in my pyjamas, hugging my knees, I stared blankly at the almost full moon, agonising over the day's events. It should have been a celebration, but it was a complete disaster. I had no idea how I was going to face the rest of the pack and I had to see too many of them at school on Monday. Up until today I had been of little interest to the rest of them, but now I envisioned being the height of gossip.

Rolling my eyes at no one, my attention was caught by a movement just outside my front garden. A small rustle in the undergrowth... then for a split second, out popped a wolf head. I recognised those startlingly dark eyes anywhere - Jasper. Had he come to check up on me? Or to make sure the competition was nowhere to be found? I could not for the life of me understand why his wolf eyes were so devilishly dark, when his human ones were lightest brown I had ever seen.

They do say that eyes are windows to the soul, I thought to myself.

Is that what you think of me? That I'm dark inside? 

Clearly I didn't think it to myself quite well enough. He'd heard my thoughts from outside. The mind link could travel miles; it used to help our warriors and hunters co-ordinate over long distances. Now it served more to help us avoid the suspicions of humans... and to get us into trouble, apparently.

No, that's not what I think at all, Jasper. It was just a musing. What are you doing out there anyway? He stepped out slightly so I could see him from my window.

I just wanted to see that you're alright. I know I stormed off earlier, but... you're my mate... I'm not even meant to be parted from you, worrying about your well-being on top of that has been driving me insane.

My stomach churned slightly - more guilt. This was torture. We don't know for definite that I am your mate, Jasper...

Whatever, Erin. You can play the diplomatic, sitting-on-the-fence act all you want. I know how I feel and after the way you kissed me today, I know how you feel too.

I was tired and starting to feel snarky, You know, if I thought my first kiss was going to cause this much trouble, I'd have gotten it out of the way a long time ago! Moving from my window so that Jasper couldn't see me any more, I flung myself face down onto my bed.

Your first...?

YEP! Jasper could probably feel my cheeks burning from outside.

Erin...

Don't, Jasper, okay? Just leave it!

But don't you see what this means?

I lay there silently. Between the party drama, the steamy scenes with Jasper, my father's anger and Felix disappearing off the face of the earth, I was running short on patience. Coming of age and experiencing a pairing heightens a wolf's senses - emotionally, instinctively, even physically. I could hear small sounds I had never picked up on before. Given I didn't have the usual elation at finding my true love that most paired wolves experience, it was a frustrating and tiring sensation.

Erin?

I didn't respond.

Erin! Jasper sounded more desperate.

I didn't move an inch. I barely breathed, knowing he'd be able to hear it.

Erin? Say something, or so help me, I will break down this door and come find you!

You most certainly will not! Do you not think we're in enough trouble already?

Fair point. I'm sorry. But please don't ignore me. Just, please - come and talk to me. Clearly neither of us can sleep anyway, so you might as well tell me how you're feeling.

Jasper clearly cared, or he wouldn't be making such a nuisance of himself and risking the wrath of my father, Go back to that old farm building. I'll see you there in a minute.

I slipped on some battered trainers and a jumper, then slid out of my bedroom door and down the stairs, avoiding the steps which I knew creaked. Sneaking around in a house full of sleeping werewolves was no mean feat.

A few minutes later, I reached out to open the door to the old farm building and hesitated. I didn't know why I was letting him under my skin like this. Just as I turned to go back, two strong arms took hold of mine and with gentle agility, manoeuvred me swiftly inside. I just managed to look him up and down to note he must have taken his clothes off before phasing seeing as he wasn't naked, before once again I found myself pinned against the wall, having my world rocked by Jasper's punishing lips. A few moments passed where I couldn't help but sink into his body, in spite of myself. His warmth radiated through his soft hoodie and loose jogging bottoms. My brain refused to engage in sense, as every fibre in my body relished his touch. He was furiously passionate, but also gentle and tender. The combination of sensations was euphoric.

He slowly pulled away, breathing heavily and licking his lips, eyeing me hungrily with that cheeky glint in his eye. I was suddenly very aware that beneath my pyjamas, I had no underwear on. Even though there was no mind link this time, Jasper seemed to know exactly what was going through my head. I gasped as he tucked his hand under the back of my shirt, the gentle graze of his fingers on my bare skin sending me almost dizzy. He slowly drew his fingers up the small dip of my spine, sending shivers down it along the way.

"Are you cold, love?" he quipped, cocky smile in place. His words brought me back to earth. I wrenched his hand back out from under my clothes and shoved him away from me. This time though, he actually moved, despite his resistance. 

We both paused for a moment, each as shocked as the other. What had changed in a matter of hours?

"Female wolves increase in strength after pairing," he observed with a raised eyebrow.

"But we haven't paired," I said, still breathless, "Why are you making this harder than it already is? You said you just wanted to talk, for goodness sake!"

He actually looked down at the floor for a moment, "I'll give you that one. I did mean it when I said it, but then I caught your scent through the door and something inside me just snapped. Being around you, it... it just... drives me crazy".

My cheeks flushed a little at his words. His attention was extremely flattering, I couldn't deny that. He smiled. A softer, more tender smile this time. A few moments passed where we just lost ourselves in each other's eyes.

He cleared his throat, "I did want to talk. What you need to know is that earlier... in here... that was my first kiss too."

I looked at him for a second, unsure of what to say.

"You're shocked?" he chuckled. Something in me stirred every time he made that small noise in his throat, "Really? After how much of a loner I've always been at school? No one ever looks twice at me. I was surprised you even knew my name earlier."

It was my turn to smirk, "It didn't exactly feel like your first time..."

"What can I say?" he grinned, "You bring out the best in me!" The moonlight danced happily across his face, highlighting the crinkles in his skin where he smiled. He took one of my hands gently in both of his, "I know why you're scared of making this choice. It's a huge decision and it's going to change your life. But look at it this way... My instincts found you when you ran off. We couldn't resist one another. We each shared our first kiss together. We're both quiet, unnoticed wallflowers. We understand each other. Felix... he's been around the block a few times, likes getting himself into trouble, he's a bit reckless and immature. He ran off at the first sign of trouble. I don't know what his game is, but I am convinced he's not the one for you."

Silence fell between us for a minute. Absently, l leaned my head against his chest. The material of his hoodie was comforting against my cheek and his scent danced into my nostrils. I had to admit, he made a good point. All of the things I knew about Felix were not exactly what I'd look for in a mate. On the other hand, I knew virtually nothing about Jasper. Unbeknownst to me, he'd snuck his arms around me while I was deep in thought and I'd relaxed into his embrace. I yawned.

"Come on, love. Let's get you home," he whispered.

Insisting on walking me back, he also held my hand as we walked. We hid around the front wall of my garden out of sight of any of the windows to say our goodbyes. He kissed me tenderly on the forehead and it took all of my self-control not to pull him closer. He stuck to the shadows to watch me safely back inside.

Slipping back into my bedroom, I kicked off my trainers and slumped onto my bed. His scent lingered on my jumper and I pulled the front of it up closer to my nose as I snuggled down and finally dozed off into a deep, restful sleep.

It wasn't until the morning that I noticed the scrap of paper on my pillow. A note, written in my mother's handwriting:

"I know where you've gone".