The Sealed Planet

The Guilt

Sethis Melser

Things had never felt better ever since we got out of Aurelis Three. However, I...felt rather empty. In fact, I think the right word is 'guilty'.

I was aware that everyone who survived never blamed me for what happened. Even my twin told me that my only fault was for sulking and not enjoying life. But I could not  feel anything other than that emptiness and guilt. I could not be a commander, but they chose me as theirs when our supposed commander was killed early in the skirmish, along with many other Saukaurs who landed on that forested planet. It was a chaotic landing and many died just before their landers ever touched the ground. By the end of the day, only around a hundred of us were left.

After our commander died, the whole company went into disarray. I looked at this and felt that, without any leaders, we would die. I did not quickly act like a commander, mind you. I only guided them towards the Vyrnian building I saw as we landed. My tracking skills was good enough to lead them there.

Then, the siege happened. We managed to establish a base, creating a good strategic place to defend ourselves until help came. No one came, and a week passed. Before the Vyrnian saviors came to that planet, most of our soldiers had died. I survived mostly due to the skills taught to me by my parents and...a skill I did not like to show.

Saukaurs were hunters, but it could mean many things. We could be hunters of dangerous alien beasts or aliens that took our interest, but we also hunt...targets, at least for me. I survived the dangerous forest of Aurelis Three because my stealth skills was tuned towards assassination of humanoid aliens. I must admit that George Atmell and Kilkaja surprised me, mostly because I did not expect a human and a Nuoevan to be on the planet.

If it wasn't for this group, we might end up dying in this planet or captured. It was a relief for everyone...except me. All I was fixated upon was the fact that I lost almost half of the soldiers I was supposed to guide. I declared myself their leader and they came to see me as such. I stepped up, but was it the right thing? If someone else stepped up, would they be able to fight back or at the very least, save more Saukaurs?

I didn't want to be saved. I know it's my guilt talking. I know those deaths mattered. If it wasn't for them, I wouldn't be here. Astha wouldn't be here. But, by Ap...17 Saukaurs out of 50? They did not think of it, but...whenever I looked at their faces, I imagined myself being silently judged for surviving. They must've been thinking 'if it wasn't for you, we might all look at our comrades' faces and rejoice'. It took me an effort not to start asking what they were thinking, feeling that I'd only hear a lie. For me, truth was blurry, especially given the facts.

I always wondered how a Felinian could cope with that survivor's guilt. When I witnessed Sel Kylas's resurrection, I wondered if she had that thought, too. While everyone around her died, she was the only one left alive. Maybe it did not matter given that she died and returned to life. I stayed on, surviving as others around me died.

I tried my best not to show any sense of that guilt during my stay on Lekan. I tried my best to move on from the deaths and kept myself occupied like training in my room or reading something on the tab, just...anything to avoid the others. I was fully aware of the Vyrnians and their own history. I was tempted to ask how they got that guilt away, but I was a coward. All I wanted was to stay away from the (imagined) scrutiny and just lock myself in a room until everyone forgot.

But my efforts to avoid everyone started to backfire. I did not realize a week had passed since our arrival. I started to become so comfortable avoiding everyone I started to become uneasy when the stared at me. My anxiety started again as I looked at their eyes. I hastily looked away and increased my pace, making me look rather suspicious. Every time I saw a Saukaur, I changed corner, trying my best to get them out of my sight. But...it didn't stop. It just...I don't know, wrong. Why was I so scared of being proven guilty? I did not kill anyone. I'll be honest. I did not kill anyone, even if it was a mercy kill. I did use one of their bodies as a trap, but they were already long dead. Was the guilt came from that?

The anxiety and guilt wracked me so much that when one of them, Greske, approached me and tapped my shoulder, I made a sharp hiss of surprise and turned around, ready to fight. Greske was confused, of course.

"Seth...is something wrong?" he said. "You look pale."

I started to lose control. What was happening to me? Was I going insane?

That incident with Greske made my problems even worse. I was never a drinker, mind you, but that incident started to tempt me to just ask for a synthesized liquor and drown my worries with it. People did that, right? That's the reason for bars out there, right? 

Before that could happen, however, Astha approached me. Looking at him was like looking at a mirror. We were identical twins, after all. However, as I looked at myself for a nervous, anxious wreck that I was, I looked at Astha and saw an optimistic Saukaur who felt like he could fight all the challenges in life. I was not like that. I was nothing like Astha. People compared me to him. Even Astha said that he was the black to my white. The 'evil' twin. But...I felt it's the other way around.

"Sethis," he said. "We need to talk."

I was still trying to shove people away, so I shook my head and said, "J-just leave me be, Astha. I'm just feeling tired."

"So tired that you point your gun towards Greske," he said. "Oh, don't try to deny it, Seth. I saw what happened back there."

"It's nothing. He surprised me, that's all."

"No, that's not what you do when you're surprised," he said. "Especially when you're not in the battle zone."

Realizing that I was caught, I tried to get away, but Astha grabbed my hand and said, "Don't try and run from it, Seth. I know you better than any Saukaurs on this station. I know taking command is never your thing."

"W-what do you mean? I am fully capable of..."

"Of being remembered as a commander who's on a verge of a nervous breakdown?" said Sethis, which made me gasped. "Yeah, I figured as much. Aurelis Three, right?"

I wanted to be angry. To try and shove Astha away for intruding in my life. But, he's my twin and he knew what problems I was facing. This was not the first time he helped me get out of a trouble I made myself. However, those never involved deaths of the people you cared about. This time...I was directly responsible.

"We can sit and talk here...or find someplace more private," said Astha. "Choose, or I'll give you the choice."

I gulped and stayed silent, causing Astha to sigh. "The star window, then."

If you could see me then, I felt smaller to Astha. We looked identical, but my hunched body contrasted with Astha. Not only that, my clothes were basically what any non-Saukaurs would wear: simple shirt and pants along with the armor with it. Astha looked like he was still stuck in a rite of passage. He wore almost nothing to cover himself. I told him to at least wear some pants, but he felt more comfortable with what he was wearing. No one really cared, so I never asked him.

As we got to the star window, I looked around to see if anyone was present. Astha noticed this and said, "There's no one here at the moment. Many prefers the rec room to relax. There was the Felinian, but she's currently having a little together time with her crew."

I stayed silent.

"You can't run away from it anymore, Seth. You can either talk to me now or risk getting yourself drowning in that imagined guilt of yours. Oh, I know what you feel, Seth. I know it all too well."

"Except you are not their commander!" I said, almost raising my voice. "I was supposed to take over from him when everything went wrong! I did not even think of myself as one until one of them died and I realized my new burdens. If it wasn't for Arcturus and his friends, we might still be on that planet, slowly starving to death. I owed them, but it was out of luck."

"Yes, it's luck. But so what? We survived to see another day."

"But they don't," I said as I looked at him. "They...don't. Their bodies are still buried somewhere on that planet or used as a f*****g trap! We can't even give them a proper ritual because of the fight!"

"Seth, look at me eyes," said Astha as he grabbed my shoulder. "Look at it."

I obliged.

"You think I did not have that guilt you're currently having, huh? You think you're the only one with that problem? Everyone's having a hard time thinking why them and not us. Hell, even the Vyrnians are suffering from it. They could only look as their planet were sealed and their Empire fell! I knew they already moved on from it a long time ago, but still, I knew it was still there. The only think you need right now is to talk with the others and hear what they have to say."

"No!" I exclaimed. "Please, don't make me go through that torture!"

"It's not a f*****g torture. I'm trying to help!" he said, enunciating every word. Somehow, it felt like he was shaking me to try and get me back to my senses. I tried to do so, but it felt like an effort.

"I...don't know if I can, Astha," I said with a shaking voice.

"It's not the first time I've ever done this before," said Astha. His face started to calm, apparently trying to make it so I could try and calm myself looking at him like that. He was aware that our faces were the same with only subtle differences only we could see. Of course, our differing personalities seemed to make it rather easy to know who's Astha and who's Sethis.

"Yes.... Yes, I know," I said.

"Remember that time when you're experimenting and is chasing a guy until you realize it wasn't something you're into? Or that time when you're anxious your hunt won't be approved for your rite of passage? I'm always there for you, Sethis, whether you want it or not. Even if the hunt separated us and you're more concerned with doing whatever thing you're doing, you always go back to me. Basically, we complete each other. You and me are twins, Sethis. We are hatched on one big egg. We know when someone is in trouble before anyone else."

"It took you a week, though," I said, as I calmed down.

"Well, I'm not perfect. It's not like our minds are linked together. Let's just say a very low level empathic sense. I just know subconsciously. I'm sure, but also not sure. Call it a hunch. It's not like it's as obvious as a Nuoevan look at it, right? In fact, if Kilkaja is even here, he'll know even without your presence."

I wanted to ask where Kilkaja was, but that wasn't important. The more important issue was how I explain to Astha without sounding like I'm losing my mind out of guilt and anxiety. If I started rambling, I would end up harming myself. I wasn't even sure if I could pour out my heart completely, even if Astha was pretty much the only person I could trust completely and without hesitation.

In the end, I told him everything, starting from feeling responsible for causing one of the Saukaurs to walk into a mine and abandoning him to die. The stress of using a dead Saukaur as a trap (which was sprung by George and Kilkaja just before I met them. The Nuoevan's scream alerted me) haunted me even more. I was that good in trying to act like I already knew what I was doing. Then, the scouts's deaths and those who disappeared hunting in the forest added to it, especially since I knowingly sent them to their deaths. They were not full-fledged hunter, in addition to being underage. In fact, almost everyone were so young. I even met some who's barely 16. They joined out of a belief. It contrasted with my own cynical belief.

Astha listened patiently as I talked and talked without pause. He only stopped me when I started drowning in the guilt. Then, 2 hours later...I stopped, exhausting every reason why I was guilty.

"First of all, good job telling me everything," said Astha. "Second of all, why keep it for yourself?"

"Because I'm the chosen leader," I said. "I can't show any weaknesses. If I lost myself, what will you do?"

"You got a point there. Morale was so low that we might end up surrendering to the coalition. They might end up killing us. But you could just tell me about it."

"I was afraid that...." I hesitated. "I was afraid that anyone might listen in."

"Again, fair point. Then, we got discharged and are now working with the Vyrnians. Why didn't you tell me then?"

"I..."

"You felt responsible, don't you? For Kishet?"

Hearing that name made my heart jumped. Of all the Saukaur who mentioned that name, why must it be Astha?

Kishet was a childhood friend who came from the same village. We learned to hunt together and finished our rite of passage together, only on different planets. However, the reason why I felt responsible was because he was Astha's lover. I already noticed this ever since we were 15. Saukaurs were rather flexible in term of sexuality and had been for a while, so it wasn't hard for Astha to hook up with Kishet. That was also the reason why I tried the gay route, only to find out it's not my thing.

The three of us 'volunteered' and ended up on the same ship. He survived for at least 4 days before a hunt went awry. Like I said before, not everyone's an experienced hunter. Kishet, Astha, me, and a couple others were experienced enough. I was responsible for everyone, Astha for traps and defenses, while Kishet was for supplies. He helped us find edible animals and plants along with being a good tracker. However, in one of the hunts, something went wrong and he, along with several survivors, were the only ones who managed to return.

Even then, he was fatally wounded and we could only help ease his pain as he died. One of the survivors then said that one of their hunting parties panicked and tripped a trap set by the coalition. They were then ambushed and barely got away, with Kishet's fatal wound being caused by a stray energy shot that hit a vital point.

I never saw Astha in such anguish, but he managed to move on from it by acknowledging that Kishet was gone and it was time to move on. I knew he was still mourning him privately and prefer not to talk about it...at least until now.

While Kishet's death was part of that guilt, it was made apparent because it was personal. I felt responsible for depriving myself a good friend, and also Astha his lover, all because I was an incompetent leader. It troubled me, even to the point of almost hurting myself and others. Astha was there to help me, and I was grateful for it. It was time for me to try and let go, too.

"Yes," I admitted. "He's...part of the reason."

"And if it's any consolation, Kish's decision that day was his own. And to be honest with you, I was wracked by guilt, too. If I stopped Kish that day, he might survived until Arcturus and the other came. But...I guess I am easier to forgive myself, huh?"

"Isn't it always?" I said.

"That's why whenever you're in trouble and need someone to talk to, I'll be there for you," he said. "You may be on the other side of the galaxy, but nothing will stop me from finding you. Trust our bond."

Astha had that thing where he could easily lift someone's mood up. He may be a little forward and rude sometimes, but deep down, he was a kind Saukaur who understood everyone, especially his brother. I heard he was also the reason why Sel Kylas managed to overcome her own trauma and start talking with Saukaurs again. I owed him a lot, so the least I could do was lean on him and try not to make his work harder.

I must admit that after Astha's pep talk, I managed to forgive myself. He also revealed that no one ever thought of me as a commander, only someone who's more experienced. If they thought I was a commander, they might call me one, and no one did. The fact that I did not realize this embarrassed me, along with making my near breakdown a bit silly.

Anxiety was a hard enemy to face, especially when recovering from a traumatic ordeal. I had a tendency to only be sure after a couple of checks. I tried to hide it, but Astha would always see through it. I was grateful for having a twin as good as Astha because I knew many had no such privilege.

Now that my little personal crisis was over, it was time for me to do what I promised the Vyrnians: help them with the Trikelian problem and possibly help bring the Saukaur people back to its peaceful days. It was the least I could do for Arcturus and his group, for saving me and giving me time to ponder my life choices and meet good people, including a rare encounter with a pre-space.

This time, I'd try to open my eyes, and look forward.