Scattered Fragments

Chapter Two

I was busy with the morning dishes when Joshua’s yelling almost makes me drop the plate in my hands. I stop doing my work and stare at the kitchen entrance wondering what's gotten him so irritated in the morning.

“That phone has been ringing since forever. Who’s ever it is, can you f*****g pick it up!?”

I grab a hold of the napkin set neatly on the table and dry my hands before putting my head outside the kitchen entryway and then I wait for the ringing. Sure enough it was my phone.

I excuse myself and rush upstairs throwing the door of my bedroom wide open and I pick up my phone which suddenly goes silent. I check the caller log and notice 25 missed calls and a dozen messages from Zulia.

What’s going on?

She wasn’t the kind to spam others with calls and messages. If I wouldn’t answer in her third call she would always stop and wait for me to ring her up. Curious and a little frightened, I dial in her number and wait for her to pick up.

“Where the hell were you!?” were Zulia’s first words as she answered the call. I chuckle lightly feeling light hearted at hearing her voice. My uneasiness blown away at her wildness.

“I’m sorry. I was downstairs doing the dishes.” 

“What are you their maid? Stop doing all the bloody chores!”

“Zulia,” I raise my voice. “we’ve spoken about this before. Don’t start again.” I hear her sighing and then a loud sound of something crashing. My sister had the tendency to throw things around when frustrated. “So mind telling what all the hassle was for? Why so many calls?” I ask the previous worry entering my heart.

“Right!” she exclaimed aloud I had to pull the phone away from my throbbing ear. “Zeesha did you check your mail?”

She called me so early in the morning to ask me about my mails?

“No I haven’t. I’ll be looking at them after lunch most probably. Why?”

“Mails are supposed to be checked in the morning! Even I checked yours already.” She huffed in annoyance. I perk a brow at that.

“How many times have I asked you to not open my mail. That’s private.” I scold her. The line goes silent and I could very well picture my sister rolling her eyes at me. “So what was in my mail that’s gotten you excited that you had to keep calling me?”

The line is silent and I hear the soft breathing of my sister on the other side of the phone. Frowning I call out to her. "Zuli?"

“You’re selected!” She screamed over the phone. I frown further wondering just what I had been selected in. It’s not like I had applied for any colleges. Sadly before I could I had been married off.

“Selected in what Zuli?”

“Oh god you can be such a clutz sometimes. In that novel contest of course!” she exclaimed excitedly.

“Baby girl I’ve entered into a dozen contests. Which one specifically are you talking about?” I only aggravate my sister more. Zulia groans aloud and cusses that I was being too hard and that I shouldn’t be entering so much of contests that I’d lose track of each one.

“The Danda contest." she pauses a while. "Or was it Dendi?” now she was confused as well. I hear shuffling in the background and the keys of her computer being tapped on.

Danda? What the hell is a Danda? Was there even a contest with such a a name?

While she's busy trying to get into my mail I wrack my brain trying to put in pieces of letters to figure out what exactly the contest she was trying to say was. And then it hit me hard. I stare at my hand. It was trembling and so was my entire body.

It can’t be.

“Zuli,” I whisper into the phone my voice trembling and cracking. She absentmindedly responds with a ‘hmm’. I calm my nerves and take in deep breaths before asking the next question.

“Is it the Dengeki Novel Contest?”

A whole minute of silence follows. My heartbeat raced and it felt like my heart would fall out of my mouth. I felt faint for reasons unknown.

And then she responds with a cry.

“Yes! That’s the one. Here let me read it out for you, ‘Ms Zeesha Mcquina, we are pleased to inform you that your novel ‘Doko Watashi Zokusuru (どこ * *する) has been accepted into the contest'. And then there’s some extra crap. And theeeeen, oh, here it is, 'It would be much appreciated if you could travel to Japan to further converse of a publishing contract with you'."

She squeals aloud until someone bangs on her room door yelling to be quiet. She cusses but then continues squealing nevertheless. 

"You hear me Zee? Japan!" 

Zulia continues raining words upon me but I push them all away. My mind had gone completely blank. 

What did I ever do to be punished over and over? Why was my life not getting any better but leading towards the worst possible outcome? What did I do to deserve such pain?

My legs tremble and I fall on the bed unable to hold the weight anymore. My breath in rags as I try to calm myself down. Keep myself from letting out the tears.

“Zeesha? Are you there?”

“Zuli, what do I do? The tears aren’t stopping.” I whimper as I wipe my eyes continuously trying to stop the flow. Too late in stopping them. They were already out and gushing down my face non-stop.

“Are they happy tears?” she inquires, her voice softening.

“I don't know.” I drop the phone on the bed and cover my face with my hands crying into them silently. At the I finally let Zulia's words actually sink into my brain. I laugh alongside crying.

I have been accepted.

Dengeki Novel contest is a writer’s contest held in Japan for Japanese and international writers. I had been delusional when I entered with no hopes of ever being accepted. And yet here I am with a mail from them.

The chosen ones, even if not a winner gets an exclusive package where the writer could live in Japan with all housing expenses covered for 1 year and a publishing deal.

It was a large scale writing contest and I actually got chosen.

I pick up the phone once more and place it on my ear. I could hear Zulia’s breathing. She was still on line. I sniffle and she guessed I was back on line.

“You alright?” she asks gently. I reply her with a “mm”. We remain quiet for a moment and try to let everything sink in.

“Am I... did I really get chosen?” I ask my sister my voice barely audible. She repeats again that I did. She even reads out the entire mail for me even though I could just check it myself.

“What are you going to do now Zee? I know it’s always been your dream to live in Japan. Remember that crazy dream you’ve always had of studying in a Japanese high school, falling in love, having a romance with a Japanese hottie and then finally settling down over there? Well lookie here, it’s about to come true.” She finishes with an excited jump.

“You forget I’m way past studying in a high school and that a Japanese romance is out of the way since I’m married.” I remind her and I could already feel myself falling into grief as the painful words leave my lips.

“Well atleast you get to be in your favorite country?” she tries to be optimistic on my behalf. I don’t respond unable to think of a reply. “oh come on! It’s just a year Zee. I’m sure you can think up of something to get your husband’s permission?”

Just the thought of having a conversation with Harry of my interests scared me. In the two years of our marriage life I’ve never once spoken to him of my likes and dislikes. I’m pretty sure he doesn’t even know I write novels or that the small notebook in my pocket has a story scribbled on it.

“I’m scared Zuli.”

“Honey, you have to stick up for yourself. If you don’t then who else would? It’s not wrong to be selfish Zeesha. You’ve been a good girl all your life. It’s alright to ask for something. No one is going to get mad at you.” Zulia’s voice had never sounded so comforting. I wished with all my heart I could have her beside me. I just wanted to be in her embrace feeling safe and protected. Sometimes she makes me forget who's the older one.

Her words give a spark of encouragement and I have a feeling I could perhaps pull off a serious conversation with Harry.

“I’ll give it a try. I can’t promise you anything but I will try. Sounds good?”

“Yeah. Better than you staying silent and suffering in loneliness.” I could here the skepticism in her voice.

“I’m not suffering Zuli. I’m happy here. Happier than I’ll ever be back at home.”

“Keeping your talents hidden and working all day like a f*****g housewife is called happiness? Don't f**k with me Zee.” She snaps. I could only sigh. My sister was hard to be reasoned with and so I remain quiet. The best thing to do when she was annoyed.

“I have to go now. I’ll talk to you later. Love you Zuli.” And I cut the line.

Sighing I wash my face and look into the mirror trying to find any trace of me ever crying. My eyes were slightly red and swollen but apart from that I looked fine. I dry up my face and walk back downstairs and into the kitchen.

The sink was piled up with dishes and I put on the gloves to start clearing them up. I look at the clock on the wall. I had been on the phone for over an hour. It was almost time to prepare lunch. I hurry with the dishes and then grab the ingredients for a tomato salad. Zulia’s words still echoed in the back of my mind. I grip the knife tight and stare at the clock once more. In precisely six hours Harry would be home.

It’s alright to be selfish Zeesha. I repeat my sister’s words over and over like a chant through out the day until my husband returns home from work.

At the sound of his car pulling up into the drive way I hurriedly clear up the pantry and then put on the coffee decanter to heat up the coffee which had gotten cold. Harry enters the house and greets his parents before nodding my way and then walking upstairs to our room. I grab a mug and fill it with the coffee and then run after him with it.

I open the door and shut it behind me and place the mug on his office table at the furthest part of the room. Harry takes off his coat and untied his tie and sat down to take off his socks. All the while I stand by the bed playing with my fingers, the nervousness in me making me want to puke. He notices the awkwardness and stops undressing any further. He looks up at me midway from removing his socks, with one in his hand.

“Why are you so fidgety?” he questions and I at once swallow the bile that was forming giving a foul taste in my mouth. I remain quiet, unable to form words. He stares at me silently waiting for me to respond to him. Finally growing a tad bit of courage I sigh as I open my mouth to reveal the news I had just gotten.

But he stops me before I could get a single word out.

“Can we continue this after-dinner?” he doesn’t wait for my reply and enters the bathroom to wash his face up and dress into some homely wear.

“Of course.” I say to myself since there wasn’t anyone waiting for my reply. I sigh feeling the smallest of courage fading away.

I don’t wait for Harry to be done washing up and just leave to prepare dinner. The rest of the family were already present in the living room watching a reality show. Joshua barked out laughing whilst his parents chuckled along. I continue walking into the kitchen and then grab the basket with the freshly baked buns and return to the dining room to start arranging the table.

As I was done placing the plates, Harry walks down the stairs and takes the first seat. The rest of the family followed and then I take my respective seat beside my husband.

All the while whilst eating Harry had his eyes on me. He was studying me, trying to figure out just what I had tried to convey earlier. The thing that was making me feel nervous to the point I kept dropping the buns while passing the basket over.

Calm down Zeesha. Take deep breaths.

Joshua was first to leave the table. He got a call and then quickly ran upstairs. The parents left next after dropping their plates in the sink and then it was just my husband and myself. I clear up the table throwing away my half eaten bun. I had no appetite the entire time and a further bite would most definitely result in me throwing up.

Harry usually heads upstairs once done eating but today, just when I was hoping to be given some space he insisted in helping me. We cleared up the table in silence. He kept throwing me curious looks while I tried to ignore his sharp gaze.

“So what was it that you wanted to tell me?” He finally asks taking me by surprise I almost dropped a plate. I look up at find him looking straight at me waiting for a response this time.

“Can-“ my voice squeaks and he lifts a brow at my state of panic. I clear my throat and then look at him once more. “Can we talk about it in the room please?”

He doesn’t say anything but continues staring at me making my skin crawl. Finally he gruffs a “hmm” and walks away. I lean on the pantry cupboard as I let out a breath of relief.

Harry didn’t like to be kept waiting and so I finish up the cleaning in a rush and turning off the lights I run upstairs. Once inside the room, I finally prepare myself for the worst. I walk over to where Harry was seated on our bedroom couch and stand in front of him. He pats the spot beside him and I take a seat keeping a distance of an inch between us.

“So? What's going on?” he inquires quite sharply. I gulp before talking being careful with my words. Once I'm done relating to him of the news that I had been chosen by the Dengeki Novel Contest and of my chance to live in Japan I shut my mouth and wait for his reaction. He remains composed and calm unlike how I had imagined him to react. He scratches his stubble and then leans back on the couch deep in thought.

“You’re not trying to accept the offer now are you? Did you forget you’re not a teenage girl living in a fantasy novel but the wife of someone now?” Harry finally speaks breaking the uncomfortable silence. As the words leave his mouth, I could feel the sharp pain of the tears prickling the corner of my eyes threatening to fall out any moment. I force myself to not sniffle.

“I know. I was just hoping if it would be possible for me to accept the offer since its only for a year? This is a rare chance and getting chosen is truly a marvelous achievement.” I take a peek at Harry and his glare frightens me. But I force myself to continue. “it’s always been my dream to write for a publisher in Japan. And to be able to live there is something I could have only dreamt of. Please let me-“ before I could finish explaining Harry grabbed my face quite roughly and smashed his mouth on mine to shut me up.

“I never forbade you from dreaming. Dream as much as you want. But do not talk of such nonsense as living in a Country full of horny men without your husband beside you. You’re not a child anymore. Woman up.” He grunts harshly with a glint of annoyance in his gaze.

“But I...” I stutter trying to find the right words. I have never once spoken back to him in the 2 years of our life together. But the thought of my dreams slipping away was much more frightening than the man in front of me. My sister’s words echoed at the back of my mind building up a ray of courage in me.

It’s alright to be selfish Zeesha. Keep going.

“Just this one, Please let me-“

With an irritated cry in the back of his throat, my husband gripped my arm in a rough manner and dragged me to the bed, throwing me on it. 

“You’re not going and that’s final. Behave.” 

Taking off his t-shirt and pants and then tugging at my dress, I could only stare at the man above me while I was glued to the bed in just my lingerie. As they were forcibly taken off and he dumped himself on top of me I finally let out the tears I had been holding in.

Perhaps it was better to just dream than try to make it a reality.