Heart of the Ocean

Chapter 3- Nightmares Remembered

I walked into the seminar without so much as peeking at Nate and found an empty seat between two other students, silently praying Nate would sit as far from me as possible. I didn’t even glance up to see where he sat.

Somehow, I could feel like heat from his stare like the lick of a flame. It made the hairs on the back of my arm stand on end.

I blushed. Get a grip Clio, I told myself, you’re just imagining things.

As I sat through the seminar, not listening to a word that was being said, I thought about the strong, almost instinctual reaction I had to Nate’s teasing. I normal girl like Zara wouldn’t have batted an eyelid and Nate’s light flirting. But not me. Not Clara the freak.

The image of Blake Newton’s bleach blonde curls and soft round face flashed through my mind. I cringed internally.

Blake was a boy I used to sit next to in secondary school. The school’s policy had always been to sit boys with girl in an attempt to stop kids from messing around too much. Blake had been a pretty funny guy with an easy laugh. He was cute in a gangly sort of way. But it was his eyes that had made my stomach lurch. He had deep brown eyes that made me melt in the middle. Unlike other boys in yr 11, Blake had no problems with meeting the eyes, making friends, telling jokes. He was completely confident and in control of himself – my complete opposite. That’s probably why he became my first crush.

Sitting next to Blake was easy as breathing. We worked well with each other and he seemed to enjoy pulling me out of my shell and getting to know me. For 2 blissful weeks I felt truly happy to be talking with a boy other than my best friend Alaric.

But that didn’t last long. Another girl who was apparently me friend, though looking back I was just a hanger on, had claimed Blake as her own. Her name was Valerie Dawson.

Valerie was the kind of girl that had little going for her in terms of looks or personality – she was a complete b***h- but had a killer body. She was thin but with enough fat on her body to make her soft, with enormous E cup t**s. On her tiny frame they just stood out even more.

She made a point of wearing a bra that was one size too small so that her boobs spilled out over the cups and bounced whenever she walked. It was obscene and almost pornographic – especially when she wore the cheap, semi- see through blouses we had to wear at school.

Of course, a lot of the guys in class enjoyed getting an eyeful but usually stayed away because of her vicious personality. She was known school wide as being a b***h.

But for whatever reason, Valerie found her-self smitten with Blake and resolved to start a new leaf to make Blake her man.

You can imagine how jealous she was when I got paired with Blake in a number of classes, whilst she had to watch him a few rows behind.

It was no secret how shy and awkward I was around people, especially guys so it became obvious to Valerie that the relationship I was forming with Blake was special and a threat to her own chances.

At first Valerie just started making snide comments about how close Blake and I were getting, laughing it off like Blake was just taking pity on me. Because who would be interested in awkward Clio, right?

This continued for a while. I can still remember sitting in the girl’s toilets with hot tears in my eyes.

Eventually Valerie had had enough and confronted me one lunch time, flanked by girls who I thought were my friends. Needless to say they had all taken Valerie’s side.

She cornered me in a stair well, pinning me up against a wall with her talons digging into my shoulder. Her smile was thin and predatory.

“You need to stop flirting with Blake, Clio. We can see how desperate for attention you are- its sad and its disgusting”, she hissed “I can’t believe you would try and make a move on Blake even though you know he’s mine”.

Her nails broke skin as she finished her words, pushing her fingers harder into my shoulder.

I don’t know where I got the courage from but I remember feeling like loosing Blake’s friendship would be devastating. I just wanted to be his friend and enjoy his company. How dare Valerie tell me who I can and can’t be friends with. Blake barely knew who she was and yet here she was, tyring to force be to back off so that she could maintain the delusion that she had a chance with him.

“I’m not the one who is desperate, Val” I had whispered. It was the best insult I could manage and my heart felt like it was going to burst out of my chest but I held my nerve.

“Blake and I are just friends. Get over it”, I said loudly before pushing past Valerie in an attempt to get away. I breathed a sigh of relief when she didn’t drag me back to the wall.

As I walked away Valerie called after me, “Our friendship’s over, b***h. Enjoy being alone”.

I thought that would be the end of it. But Valerie began messaging me online, telling me to kill myself, telling me that I was worthless. She knew she could get away with it online where the teachers wouldn’t catch her. And soon she had a few of my other so-called friends messaging me to, telling me how much of a loser I was. One even went so far as to tell me we hadn’t even been friends to begin with.

It was awful. Going to school became a nightmare. I sat every lunch alone, sitting on the cold maths stairs wishing someone, anyone would come talk to me.

The loneliness was the worse part. The taunts I could handle but that feeling that no one cared enough to look my way and eat lunch with me was the worse.

Of course, I had my lessons sat next to Blake to look forward. Valerie always kept up a steady stream of whispered abuse at my back. Obviously, no teacher every heard her and the rest of the class got a buzz from watching Valerie pick on me. It was just more interesting than the lesson.

The thing that finally broke me was when the class was left alone one day while the teacher had to leave to help another class. It was only for a few minutes but it was enough for Valerie to finally air our dirty laundry with the class.

She revealed to everyone, including Blake, that I had a massive hard on for Blake. She claimed that I had been bullying them online, telling them to back away from my Blake.

Before I could even open my mouth to protest Blake started laughing uncontrollably.

“Oh my God, Val! That’s sick. Me and Clio! Jesus. I’m f*****g forced to sit next to this fat b***h but even talking to her is better than doing Spanish!” Blake laughed.

A terrible pang hit my heart. I had no delusions that Blake was in love with me but I at least thought we were friends. No other guy had ever paid this much attention to me.

But his words “fat b***h” hit home like a dagger. So this is what he thought of me. I was a distraction to pass the time through boring lessons.

I felt like such a fool.

Valerie laughed triumphantly; her face twisted into vicious grin.

I just sat in my seat, mouth hanging open like a doll. My eyes began filling with hot tears and my hands trembled in my lap, “fat b***h?” I whispered.

The class got a massive kick out of seeing me cry. Soon their laughter called the teacher back into the classroom who demanded an explanation.

Valerie, loving every second of my humiliation, explained how I had been rejected by Blake point blank.

The teacher took in my red, puffy face and made a clucking noise and ushered me out of the classroom.

I was completely humiliated.

From that point on my last year and secondary school was complete hell. Every moment was filled with pointed whispers and twisted smirks.

Blake never spoke to me again. Apparently, even the prospect of boring Spanish was better than associating with me.

Eventually, the bullying got worse. I think Valerie had expected me to drop out of school or maybe she genuinely wanted me to kill myself.

Either way, she and her gang started following me on my way from school.

At first it started with them shouting abuse at me. Calling me a fat pig, a loser, a desperate virgin, frigid, an ugly b***h etc.

When I started wearing headphones to drown out their shouting they eventually turned physical.

The shortest way home was through a woodland park. Going the long way would add an extra 20 minutes to my walk.

It was here that Valerie finally had the nerve to beat me up.

“Oi! I said Oi, you fat skank” Valerie called.

When I didn’t reply Valerie’s hand snaked out and caught my hair by the roots, her sharp nails digging into my scalp.

“You think you can ignore me, b***h?” she laughed as she pulled off my head phones and stomped them into the mud.

Music has always been a realise so I pushed her hard to stop her from breaking my headphones.

I was a big girl with a lot of strength so my push sent little Valerie skidding through the mud, landing with very little dignity in a heap.

I couldn’t help myself, I laugh at the sight of her covered in mud and leaves.

Valerie shrieked at the top of her lungs, “f**k the b***h up”, she commanded to rest of her gang.

Suddenly the air was forced from my lung as a sturdy kick was delivered to my stomach. Another girl followed this up with a slap to my face. I tasted blood as my lip split.

Next I was kicked to ground where I tried to push myself up to my knees but Valerie was already there, eyes wild with rage.

“Wrong move” she whispered then raked her sharp nails down my face. My skin split open and began to bleed.

I whimpered pitifully, looking up into my old friends’ eyes, silently pleading. We were all friends once, did those years of friendship really mean nothing. One looked away in shame but most of them were clearly enjoying letting their frustrations out of my body.

They formed a circle around my and began kicked my body over and over again.

I circled my body into a ball, hands wrapped around my head and prayed for the beating to stop.

At some point, my mind seemed to detach itself from my body and floated above the scene. I could hear the steady thump thump of their feet connecting with my body. I could feel the ragged heave of their breath- clearly beating someone up was hard work. I could sense the adrenaline coursing through their bodies from the thrill of the kill.

But I was powerless to stop their assault.

Eventually they got tired of beating me up, leaving me broken on the floor.

By this point I had passed out. At the time I thought I was going to die.

Who in their right minds beats a high schooler up to the point of death? Were they insane? Or was their something more going on?

Eventually I was found by a passing dog walker who called an ambulance, and I was rushed to hospital. I had a broken arm and two fractured ribs.

When the police and my parents asked who had hurt me, I made up a vague story about boys in hoodies, claiming I had no idea who it was.

I don’t know why I didn’t tell the truth. Looking back, I should have said something even if I was afraid of more violence.

I was just too scared. Voiceless and weak.

All these thoughts and emotions came rushing back as I sat in the seminar room. I have no idea how much time had passed, zoned out as I was.

With a start I realised tears had spilled from my eyes and my own nails had dug into my palms, drawing blood.

I leaped to my feet, grabbed my bag, offering some half-hearted excuse to the tutor leader and dashed for the door. I kept my head down, unwilling to meet the eyes of any students – especially Nates.

On my way back to the dorm rooms I made a quick stop at the corner shop, grabbing a tub of Ben and Jerrys. Comfort food at it’s finest.

My breath was coming in hard and fast; I must have been on the verge of a panic attack. I felt as though the eyes of the entire shop were on me. As though some how they knew my deepest, darkest thoughts.

After paying I ran out the shop, barrelling home, head down. All I could think was hide, hide, hide.

It wasn’t until I was outside my dorm when I saw him.

Nate was sat on the low brick wall outside the building, his dark eyes following me as I trotted down the path.