Diary from Heaven

The Onslaught

April 2003 is when Sabina, Harveen’s cousin, wanted to meet Arun. Though Arun was surprised to get a call from her, he decided to meet her anyway. Sabina was studying in Canada, and Arun had heard a lot about her from Harveen but never met her in person.

Sabina and Arun met at Pizza Hut in a newly opened DLF City Centre Mall on MG Road. In fact, this was one of the first Malls in Gurgaon. Arun entered the ground floor Pizza Hut restaurant and looked around as he had never met her before.

“Hi!” said Sabina as Arun followed the voice and saw a young girl sitting on a table next to the glass wall wearing a bright coloured top and a short skirt.

“Hello!” replied Arun as he looked at her and sat on the chair opposite her.

“How are you?” asked Arun.

“I am good; how about you?” she replied.

“I am good as well,” replied Arun pretending to smile.

“You wanted to meet me?” asked Arun impatiently.

“Yes, I came to India yesterday and wanted to meet you. I have been meaning to talk to you ever since...” she said and paused to look out.

“...you mean ever since Harveen... died?” said Arun as he felt choked mentioning Harveen’s name. He was still not sure as to the purpose of this meeting.

“Yes,” she replied.

“So, tell me, why did you want to meet me now?” asked Arun.

“I know it must have been hard for you; the moving on part, I mean. I know you loved Harveen a lot, but this is something I have to do,” she said as Arun looked at her with a question mark on his face.

“This is Harveen’s last letter to me. I want you to have it,” she said.

“I wanted to give this to you personally,” said Sabina passing on the letter to Arun.

He took the letter with shaking hands. The idea that he was about to read something written by Harveen was nostalgic and unnerving at the same time. He read the letter and felt as if the floor suddenly vanished from under his feet, and he was falling in a deep dark abyss.

The letter read:

“Dear Sabina,

Hope you are doing well. Things are good here; though mom and dad have stopped fighting, they occasionally do argue. Mom has convinced him to let me complete my studies first before getting married.

I have something important to share. Arun and I got really close about two months ago, closer then we have ever been, and it was magical. Last week I got suspicious, and I took a pregnancy test, and it came positive. Should I ask Arun to marry me? Do reply. I don’t want to pressurise him, but I want to share this with him.

I have started dreaming about my life with him. It’s as if I am in heaven now; the feeling is so beautiful.

More when we meet next month. I can’t wait to see you.

Yours loving

Harveen”

Arun could hear Harveen’s voice as if she was right there reading the letter to him.

“Why now?” is all Arun could ask sobbing.

“I just couldn’t dare tell you about this before,” said Sabina with moist eyes.

“I know it was hard for you then, and this must have shocked you to the core and brought back those memories. I feel bad for doing this, but I had to do this. I am sorry,” she said.

“I thought it’s been such a long time, and you would be strong enough to handle it now,” she continued as Arun got up to leave.

Arun held the letter tightly in his hands, pressed it against his chest, stood up and walked out. He didn’t even look back at her. He came out of the mall on to the main MG road and started walking in a direction. He was walking for a while; when a loud horn got him out of his trance, he realised that he had actually reached his office in the Centre Court building on Golf Road. He looked at his watch and noticed that he had been walking for over an hour.

He rushed to the office and met Bijoy who had become an ‘agony aunt’ for Arun. Bijoy simply wanted Arun to move on and concentrate on his work as Arun shared about the letter with him. Bijoy was emotionally strong. He had lost his father when he was quite young, and his mother raised him all by herself. Guess he had seen the worst, and that made him a lot stronger.

Though Bijoy tried hard to get Arun’s mind off things, Arun felt otherwise; this pushed him away from Bijoy and everyone else there. He read the letter again and again and cried for days.

“She was pregnant?” he muttered as he took the last sip from the Old Monk bottle and threw it in Lake. He was sitting near the water at Damdama Lake. He just couldn’t stop the tears rolling down his eyes.

“WHY DIDN’T SHE TELL ME ABOUT THIS?” he shouted and looked around to see if anyone was around. He wanted to talk to someone, but he was alone.

It was around 22:00 when he took a pouch out of his bag, spread it on a nearby rock and snorted. Like a zombie, he sat there, staring at the water for a while. The water in the lake was dark, and like a mirror, the reflection of the stars on the water made it seem as if the stars had fallen on the ground. He looked around, firstly towards the hills around the lake and then at the moonlight bouncing off the water surface, everything looked hazy.

Tears in his eyes combined with coke in his system started playing tricks, and he began to hallucinate. As he looked at the water, his eyes opened wide, and he froze. It was Harveen standing in the middle of the lake hovering above the surface of the water.

“Wake up, Arun; you are dreaming,” he said, closing his eyes and shivering. He opened his eyes slowly, but she was still there.

“I am sorry; I should have been there with you that day. I should have been driving and not you,” Arun said sobbing. He ran towards her and fell in the lake with a huge splash. He couldn’t swim, so he struggled to breathe. He was trying hard to stay above the water, gasping for breath as water entered his lungs through his nose and mouth. Somehow he managed to touch the bottom of the lake and moved towards the bank.

As he got out of the lake, he coughed severely to get the water out of his lungs and looked back. He could not see anything this time, just the moonlight bouncing off the surface of the lake and the reflection of stars.

He sat there crying, “I am sorry, I really am...,” he said shivering.

After a while, he got up and collected a few sticks lying here and there and made a fire. He sat close to the flame to keep himself warm. As his clothes dried, the shivering stopped, and so did the tears.

He picked up the letter and took out some other things, including greeting cards, from his bag and threw them in the fire. “I am sorry...,” he said, looking at the fire.

Arun waited for everything to burn then poured sand over it to cool it off, picked up the ashes and immersed it in the lake. He got up and looked at the lake, and then at the moon and the stars above, wiped his tears. He walked back towards the village road where he had parked his car.

The words in the letter kept echoing in his mind. He was feeling guilty.  He thought that he should have been in Harveen's place, driving the car.

Driving through the village, he reached Sohna road and drove back to his office. By the time he reached office, his clothes were dry. He pretended as if nothing had happened. He first went to the washroom to freshen up. He applied deodorant to kill the smell of the lake water and went towards his workstation.

As he logged into the VOIP phone on his workstation, he noticed Pritam, his team leader, standing behind him. “Put your phone on AUX for a break and come with me,” Pritam said as Arun did as he was told. He followed Pritam to the Process Manager’s cabin, where the HR Manager was also present.

The three sat on one side while Arun sat in front of them.

“This is your AUX report,” said Mahesh, the Process Manager, looking at Arun. Arun, as usual, indifferently looked away.

“You have taken more breaks than allowed in a shift. What do you have to say about this?” Ajith asked.

“This means that I need more breaks than others?” replied Arun casually.

“I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation,” said Vinod, the HR Manager.

“We have no choice but to issue a warning letter. This will be recorded in your file permanently, and will also impact your appraisal as well,” he said, passing on a letter to Arun.

“Pen?” is all Arun said, and Mahesh passed him a pen. Arun quickly signed the letter and walked back towards his workstation and logged in to take calls.

He could not concentrate. Impromptu breaks increased and he would suddenly rush to the washroom, covering his ears to make the echoing stop. If this didn’t work, then he would go the cubicles in the restroom and snort coke or swallow a capsule to soothe him. These capsules were available off the shelf and worked like drugs.

He didn’t care about anything anymore and gave up the opportunity to work at the Awards Show and also kept away from playing. Ronnie kept supplying him drugs because Arun became his regular customer. He was well aware of Arun’s weakness and used it effectively to his benefit.

Arun was spending much money buying the stuff. Whenever he couldn’t find drugs or afford them, he would switch to jugaad such as Iodex on foil or cough syrup or painkiller pills. One way or the other, he wanted to remain high.