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You’d imagine that calmness and confusion wouldn’t go together very well, but they’re doing a very good job of cancelling each other out. My body is relaxed, yet my mind is screaming; the desperation to yell out is being quashed by the calmness I know is being provided by the drugs. Black and white. Yin and yang.
It’s a terrifying position to be in, feeling completely in control of your mind but unable to do a thing about your body. That control has been hard fought, but I’ve got there. I’ve gradually learned to separate the wheat from the chaff, work through my memories, understand the stimuli. What else is there to do when you’re lying in a hospital bed, unable to move? If you do nothing, you’ll go mad.
All I can do is hope. Hope that the words I thought I was saying actually got o
