Life After Loss

Chapter 2

Ximora was onto something with this job. So many unanswered questions. What was the pay rate? Frequency? How hard was the work? It was entry level, so it couldn’t be too difficult. Has she been to the work environment to experience what it was like? How did she know about this place? I understand her business was to help people get into jobs by being a career coach, but she wasn’t a specialist. It was not her job to recruit. Her job was to help people with finding out what they would want to do with the rest of their lives. I needed a brief conversation with Dahlia about keeping my business out of her name when she’s gossiping to her only friend.

My small breakfast was long gone, my mind occupied about the future of this position. I was grateful about the opportunity but felt like a letdown that I wasn’t the one who went out to find it myself. I was told repeatedly that receiving help was not a bad thing, but I hated people staring at me like I was some sort of charity case. I know people often felt bad for me when they found out some misfortunes in my life…but everyone had misfortunes! Do not believe that you are helping me with a kind word or prayer. If you really feel bad for me, then slip me a million dollars. That would be useful and convenient. f**k the degree and whatever else. I would buy a mansion and live out my days in solitude. But that sounded evil, right?

I was allowed to dream big. I was allowed to want millions and millions to lay upon like celebrities and wealthy people that did not need to worry about working. They could make bank roll by just laying in bed. I wasn’t at that point, and I have worked so many dead end jobs that I have lagged in finding something else to the point that apparently my girlfriend did the pushing for me. If I was being honest with myself.

I wasn’t happy.

My close friends were fulfilled, and I questioned what fulfillment meant to them. Constantly they would get on me about being stupid if I lost the woman who was doing everything for me. To them, Dahlia was marriage material and I was dumb to destroy something solid. While I spoke about Ximora, my friends agreed that she was a bit too feisty. She was the type of woman to make a man into her b***h. To them, she displayed too much dominance and that would be the reason she was single all her life. Obviously, we all cracked jokes about how d**k would humble her. The suggestion that I give her some used to twirl in my mind, and I thought about it a couple times. Then when I saw her in person, she would say something that turned me off.

One of my friends was enjoying the bachelor life. Eliam was a traveling workaholic that claimed he didn’t want a relationship and it was nice to not have to worry about kids. He felt free to do anything he pleased without reporting to anybody. He was his own boss. Joseph recently had a baby with his longtime girlfriend. The newborn kept them up at all hours of the night but he wouldn’t change it for the world. He inspired me to want a kid. Maybe there would be some fulfillment in my relationship, but the dissonance I felt with Dahlia right now was difficult to approach. Mars was only happy because he was always high. This man was never sober and spoke of nonsense that we (usually) disregard. He was fun to get high with. It was a temporary happiness that I used to come for all the time. I do not smoke as much as I used to, but whenever I hear or look at Mars, I wish I did. Being high was always a good time.

I gathered my things to head out of the cafe. I couldn’t wait to get home knowing pops was going to be at work. I had the place to myself for a couple hours to chill, play games with my friends, and sleep. I dropped my trash into the garbage and headed out the door, bidding the barista a good day. When I reached outside, someone was coming in that made me stop in my tracks.

Fuck.

That’s why I was still here.

‘’Awe, my boy!’’ Her chirpy screech made my ears hurt. ‘’Come give me a hug.’’ She encouraged me when my feet stood rooted to their spot. I blinked slowly, then allowed my arms to envelope her in the tight hug that she wanted. She mumbled something under her breath about how tall I was, and when I pulled back, I noticed how small and frail she was.

‘’Good to see you again, ma.’’ I nodded at her.

‘’Were you just about to leave? If you have somewhere to be --’’

‘’No, I wasn’t about to leave.’’ I lied. I didn’t want to make her feel worse than she already looked. ‘’I was coming outside to see you were out there. I had to make sure that you didn’t forget me!’’ I laughed and to keep the act together, I embraced her again to which she held on a bit longer, inhaling my scent. ‘’Come on, let’s get you something in that stomach.’’

This time we sat at a table. She sat across from me zoning me on her day of activities. How she got up in the morning and had to wrangle her four-year-old twins to get them prepared for the day. How she had to make breakfast for her loving family so they can have a beautiful start to their day. How she made her husband lunch because he was a hardworking construction worker that needed his fuel when he worked ten plus hours a day. How she didn’t mention that she had other kids but the twins she was raising was her only priority. ‘’...I didn’t want you to think I forgot about you because I didn’t. Just had a rush of a morning, you know? I still have to make arrangements to see Desi.’’

I hummed, ‘’It’s okay if you needed to reschedule, ma. I doubt Desi would want to see you. She’s been swamped with school and work. I can’t even get ahold to her most days.’’

‘’Yeah, every time I call her, it sends me straight to voicemail!’’ My mother barked. ‘’How could you send your own mother to voicemail?’’ Just like how our mother abandoned us, left to pursue her career dreams, and got married and had the children she decided she wanted to raise. I do not blame Desirae for ignoring our mother. Truthfully, we exchanged messages the other day and she was doing just fine. ‘’It’s easier to get ahold to you and Kimberly than Desirae and Jessica. And, I spoke to Jessica the other day. Her and the baby are doing well. I told her I was going to send some gifts for my grandbaby soon. Can you believe it? Your sister has a son, and he’s so cute.’’

‘’Yeah…’’ I trailed off, uninterested. I never knew what to say about my sisters because I was not raised with them. Desirae and I shared the same father and she was the only sibling I was close to. While I still lived at home, Desirae lived a state away, working in a law firm as a paralegal. We talked every few weeks or so, and she wasn’t a very easy person to get in contact with. I tried to develop a relationship with Kimberly and Jessica. The two of them had different fathers. Kimberly’s father kept her sheltered, which made her spiteful because she felt that we did not try hard enough to be in her life. She was practically nonexistent in our lives. Apparently, she started healing a relationship with our mother if it was easier to get in contact with her. No one ever knew about Jessica. She had mental issues in my opinion. I used to feel bad for her, but her personality disorder or whatever she was diagnosed with became troubling for me. Now the demented b***h had a kid.

My mother’s bottom lip jutted out in a pout, ‘’My dream is to get all you kids together so we can all spend time together. Mother’s day is a couple months away…’’

‘’It is, isn't it?’’ Not that I cared. I never got her anything for mother’s day. If anything, she should be getting me things for mother’s day for every holiday she was absent.

‘’Yes! Because then, you and your sisters could meet the boys! Ferris, I really want you to meet your brothers. I think you would be a good example for Tyler and Kylen.’’

I shrugged and smiled at her, ‘’I’m sure I would, ma, but I’m so busy --’’

‘’I heard you didn’t have a job for a couple months. What have you been doing?’’

Great. Did Dahlia contact everyone about my business? ‘’And, who told you this?’’

‘’Finneas.’’ My dad. Of course he told her. No matter how long my mother’s been absent and how she (clearly) moved on with her life, that old man would ask how high if she wanted him to jump. ‘’We spoke the other day about you. We were worried. After you graduated, he said all you do is stay holed up in your room on video games. We do not want you to be depressed, honey.’’

‘’I just graduated college -- that has been tough. I’m so sorry if I wanted a little break.’’ I rolled my eyes, sarcastically.

‘’A three month break is not a little break, Ferris. It’s ninety days. That’s typically a probation period at a job --’’

‘’Ninety days is no comparison to you being out of my life for twenty-one years. Then have the audacity to tell me something about what is considered a ‘little break’.’’ I snapped. I couldn’t help it. I tried to hole it in, but I didn’t like how hypocritical my mother was to me. I tried to give her the benefit of the doubt. She was a young parent, only eighteen when she had me, nineteen when she had my sister and married our dad. Then she was gone and we had not seen or heard from her until we were practically adults. She had no right to try and parent me. Then she gave me that look of silence. She stared at me for a few moments, looked away and down at the marbled table, playing with the ends of her tea tail. My dad wanted me to give her a chance. According to him, everyone deserves a second chance. I didn’t think he would ever understand how it feels to be abandoned by your mother. Our grandparents were a second home for us when pops was too busy at work. He wasn’t abandoned by his parents. ‘’I apologize for that outburst.’’ I cleared my throat when the silence was becoming overwhelming. One thing about my mother was that she was sensitive and did not deal with being yelled at. She would become silent. ‘’I've just been dealing with so much pressure. After graduation, I realized how real life is becoming. Now I have to find a good paying job. I’m twenty-six, and I don’t know what direction I want to take. Then applying for a job in my field is not easy because everyone is looking for experience and I don’t have work experience except in the classroom. So, that’s been on my mind and the only way I combat that is by playing video games with my friends because I’m tired of being stressed out.’’ I explained as best as I can in a soft and calm manner.

My mother sipped her tea quietly. I thought she would be done talking to me. I bet she was ready to pack up, regret meeting me here, and go on about her day. I would not blame her if she did. ‘’No, I understand.’’ She responded after a pause. ‘’I felt the same way long ago. And I constantly tell you and Desi that I did not mean to make you feel disowned. I just didn’t know what to do at that age. I was young and reckless. I would have failed at being a mother.’’ She sighed. I thought the opposite of this. She wouldn’t have failed. No one ever gets parenting right the first go around. It was a learning experience to care for children. She left because she was unfulfilled. Kind of what I’m feeling right now…I want to leave. ‘’I just want to help you in any way that I can.’’

She couldn’t.

Instead, I changed the subject, ‘’Good news though is that I might have a chance. I was offered to apply for an entry level IT support technician --’’

‘’Really?’’ Her eyes widened.

‘’Yes. Really.’’ I nodded, exuberant. ‘’And, I am going to take advantage of the opportunity.’’

‘’Oh that is wonderful news, honey.’’ My mother beamed. ‘’Does your dad know? Because he was the one that was really stressed out about it. You know he doesn’t like you living under his roof rent-free.’’

I shook my head. ‘’Well, I just got word of it today. Literally, like a few hours ago. I’ll tell him tonight when he gets off work. So he can get off my back and stop spreading my unemployment business around.’’

A little laugh escaped her lips. ‘’Finneas has always been a bit of a gossip. Don’t mind him, you know he just wants the best for you.’’ She reached over the table to place her hand over mine, giving it a couple pats. I supposed I could understand where pops was coming from. Desirae was working at a law firm and had money to dispose of. She was younger than me too. Yet I was the eldest and not setting a prime example. At family functions, pops never failed to mention how proud he was of Desirae. He was proud of me too…but in different ways. ‘’I know you are tired of being overshadowed by Desi all the time.’’

I shook my head, ‘’No, not really. I’m proud that she’s doing what she loves. Different strokes for different folks.’’

‘’I just wished she would call me. Can you get in contact with her and tell her to please call me?’’ She sounded desperate and defeated. My mind was elsewhere to absorb what she wanted me to do. I know she wanted contact with Desirae, but I was thinking how my life was going to change once I started this position. It was going to be a beautiful change. I would leave everyone and everything behind. I’ll call pops every once in a while, my mother would never hear from me again, Desirae would hear from me as much as I hear from her nowadays which was little to nothing. The other siblings can f**k off, honestly.

Would I bring Dahlia?

I loved her, but she has baggage. She was closer to her family than I was close to mine. A babysitter for Zinnia was never out of options. Everyone wanted her child and she would happily pawn the baby off to one of her family members if it meant spending time with me. If I moved to a different state, and brought her along with me…what if things do not work out? Who moves out and moves back? Did that mean she would quit her job to become a full time stay at home wife and mother? Would we bring another child into this world so I can officially become a father? She wants marriage.

Would I marry her?

I’m not as invested in her as she is with me. She has her reasons as to why she’s settling for me. She was tired of the gaslighting from former relationships, the toxic, the cheating. She wanted a stable second parent for her child. When Ximora set us up, I just wanted to get between her legs. I wasn’t sure that I was ready for a relationship, but I wasn’t the most attractive guy. Yet this beautiful girl saw something in me, and I wanted to keep her around because…she was the best that I was going to get.

It has been a year since we’ve been together. I love her. I found out things about her that makes her ticked, happy, sad, and satisfied. She doesn’t ask for much, but she hints that she wants me to put in more effort. We had numerous conversations about how she needed to give me a chance to prove myself, but I didn’t like how she spoke about our relationship with other people. Ximora shouldn’t know as much as she does because that gives her ammo against me. Every relationship isn’t perfect, but I like the thought of our flaws staying between us. Now I feel like everyone is painting me as a villain because I am not being an ideal partner for Dahlia like she is to me.

It’s best to just let her go. Save me the time from being responsible for another man’s child anyway.

Ferris.

I needed to figure everything out before I made boss moves. I knew Dahlia would go to the ends of the earth with me. We spoke about our future together all the time. She wanted to move to a different state. She wanted to get married. She wanted two more kids. We wanted the traditional lifestyle where I worked and she stayed home. We were working towards those goals.

Ferris.

Yet, I have other goals. I never cared for marriage. It’s a scam and I most likely will never marry her. It has nothing to do with her because she was perfect. I just didn’t believe in marriage. Dahlia’s parents were still married, she had something to believe in, but I never had a good example of what a marriage should be. Did attaching my last name to hers make anything special?

‘’Ferris.’’

I blinked. Back in reality. My mother was across from me inside a cafe, sipping her tea. Her hand was planted over mine and she smiled at me. ‘’You here?’’

I smiled back. ‘’Yeah.’’ I had a lot on my mind. My relationship with Dahlia wasn’t at the top of the list of my concerns.

‘’So, you think you’ll be able to convince Desi to call me?’’

‘’Yeah.’’

No.