The Man that Bit Me

My Decision

    It was painful to open up my eyes, they were puffy and throbbing. I had to squint for awhile until my vision cleared, even after that I had to get a rag and run it under ice cold water and lay it on my head and eyes until the swelling went down a little. After about 30 minutes I was able to see clearly and I could see the neat folded note on Caspians pillow with my name written incursive on it. I take a deep breath and prepare myself for the worst possible case scenario, he hates me and changed his mind to taking me as a real war prisoner. The war will begin again and my Kingdom will be massacred, with me watching it all happen and having no power to stop it. My hands are trembling as I pick it up and flip it open, 

    Ebony,

I am still unsure of what to make of all that has happened between you and I in the last 24 hours. I plan on giving you all the space you need, because I feel that I am in need of it too. Please take this time to figure out what you want, if you want to go back to the Human Kingdom at the end of the day I will take you personally. If, however, you choose to stay with me I will cherish and love you until the day I die. If that is your choice, please make it your final choice. I no longer wish to hear how I have ruined your life from k********g you and holding you here against your will. I want you to stay here, because this is where you want to be. When you decide where you belong you can find me in my office. I love you always,       

                                                                                                                                        Love,

                                                                                                                                                Your Caspian

    Tears are pouring down my face and I hold the note to my chest. 'How can he be so kind? After all my doubt and the way I treated him, how could he still love me? I expected him to lock me in a room and tell me he hates me! Instead he tells me he loves me and that and comforts me. It's not fair to him anymore to be with him, but keep blaming him for taking me away from home.'  I feel my chest squeeze and I gasp for breath. I stand up and go to the bathroom and stand in front of the mirror. My strawberry hair looks like a rats nest and my face is red and puffy. My lips and eyes are swollen, which makes my honey colored eyes appear to be glowing. I stand there crying while looking at myself, the tears that fall down my face break my heart. 'How can I treat the only man I love so horribly? Why did I allow Lyla to make me feel so insecure and just want to give up? I am so undeserving of him...maybe I should leave.' I heave out a sigh and grab my face and try to gather my thoughts. "This isn't the time to be depressed and feel sorry for yourself," my voice comes out shaky, "do I want to stay? Or is it time for me to go back home and forget all of this ever happened?" I drop my hands from my hair and look back up. I think of the woman I was before I came here, I was cheerful, full of life, secure in myself, and now look at me. I am lonely, depressed, and broken. But I found the love of my life, the only man who has accepted me for me, and has loved me way more than I deserve. Although he can be scary I have never seen it first hand, he does threathen to kill people a lot, but I don't really think he means it, right? If I were to leave now I'd be heart-broken, I know my soul would be crushed in two and I would never want to see the light again. If I were to reject my mate, Caspian, I think it would end up killing both of us. 

    I get into my bath and start cleaning myself, and think of the two options in front of me. To be with Caspian and put myself in the position to potentially be the happiest I've ever been, but also the potential to be the most hurt I have ever been. Or, I can leave and try to survive the heart break that I know will quickly follow. If I were to stay though I don't think I could bear Lyla being here, especially with their history. It's not that I don't trust Caspian, it's that I don't trust her. I also don't trust myself not to torpedo like I did last night. 'Ugh, why am I so weak? I need to grow a back bone and find some confidence.' I sit for a moment and make a deal with myself. I decide I am going to stay, but I will not go to Caspian until I am strong enough to fight my own battles and have more confidence within who I am. I let go of the breath I didn't realize I was holding onto. I get out and wrap myself in a robe and put on one of Caspian long button up shirt. I brush my hair, wash my face, and brush my teeth. I walk out of the bathroom and decide to clean the room. I know Caspian usually did this since he refused to let maids in, but since he won't be here anymore I have to take care of myself. After I finished hand washing the towel, night clothes, and hung them up to dry I move towards my easel on the balcony. I sit down and see the painting of Caspian that I did last. I immediately feel a throb in my throat and lay my hand on the painting. Even though this isn't as accurate as I want it, he still looks dazzling. I already miss him, but I have to pull myself together. Instead I take place my hands on my lap, close my eyes, and list at least three things I love about myself. I love my passion for the arts, I love my honey colored eyes that I received from my father, and I love my heart for wanting to get better. I smile to myself and already feel a lot better. 

    I am beginning on a new painting and I decided to paint the view of the Human village from my parents room. I always loved lounging around in their room staring out the window at the village. I could see everyone and what they were up to. I chuckle to myself as I remember how my father would sneak up on me and tickle me until I was on the ground crying. I feel a pang in my chest from the memory, and I let it pass. 'This is good,' I tell myself, 'I need to feel all these emotions in order for them to pass and to get better.' I steady my hand and continue, after awhile another memory comes to me from when I would fall asleep in their room and my mother would get all the dogs of the castle and open the bedroom door so they'd all jump in their bed and on me to wake me up. I can remember her loud angelic laugh as she yelled for my father to come see what she had done. I softly laugh to myself and a singular tear runs down my face. I miss her, she was the most incredible woman and mother. A couple hours pass and I finish the painting, it looks just as I remembered it and I start to cry and rock myself. I missed them so much, I missed my Kingdom, I missed my people, and I missed just being a simple Princess living a simple life. I cry for the rest of the day and lay in bed. 

    Days pass like this where I would wake up clean myself, straighten up the room, try to paint a memory, write a memory, or even sketch my parents face and cry for the rest of the day. I stopped eating on the 3rd day and I have lost a substantial amount of weight. Altogether I have been doing this for 8 days, and I am beginning to feel myself physically weaken. This time I open the bedroom and pick up the tray of breakfast. I eat it slowly and I feel a small bit of strength returning to me. I think about the breakfasts I had at the castle I used to live, but no tears fall. Instead I just fill a small ping of sadness, but more fondness just opens up inside of me instead. 'Where did these feelings come from?' I ask myself. I get up and quickly look at all my paintings, writings, and sketches and still no tears. I smile to myself more calmly and a sense of pride overtakes me. I jump up and down and yell and hug myself. I stop for a moment and think of my appreciation list that I have so far of myself, 

    1. I love my passion for arts

    2. I love my honey-colored eyes that remind me of my father

    3. I love my heart for wanting to get better

    4. I love my giggle that I copied from my mother

    5. I love my Kingdom for raising me to be the Princess that I am

    6. I love how I met my mate while at the Vampire Kingdom

    7. I love how free I always felt at home

    8. I love how much I appreciated my studio when I had it

    9. I love that I am taking time to love myself

    10. I appreciate my heart for my village

    11. I love how long my hair has gotten

    12. I love that my mate is Caspian and he challenges me 

    This is my list so far, and I know I have a lot more to add, but I think I am doing good so far. Just repeating these to myself everyday has really helped me gain more respect for myself and understand more why I was so fragile with Caspian and Lyla. I never made time for myself and I was already fragile from leaving my parents and home that when Lyla said that to me it was the last straw and I completely broke in two. Now I feel a lot stronger mentally and emotionally. I don't feel the need to go back to the Human Kingdom as much, and this place is starting to feel more like home. I take a deep breath, because I know the time is coming for me to see Caspian. I feel bad for how long it's taken me, but I know that I needed this. I read his note from time to time as just a reminder of why I am doing what I am doing. I never want to hurt that man ever again, and I want him to know that I want to make him feel loved, wanted, and cared for as well. I decide that tomorrow morning I will go to see him and enjoy this last day with myself. I walk out to the balcony and see the Vampire Kingdom in all its splendor and realize this will soon be my Kingdom as well. I smile from the thought of sharing such a beautiful thing with a spectacular mate. I decide to sit down and paint to release all these anxious feelings over meeting Caspian tomorrow. I decide to paint the sunrise on the Vampire Kingdom. Although, it's still dark and a bit dim, the light is so beautiful. Colors of purple, orange, and blue always rise with the glint of sun that shines through. I feel at peace as I paint. I remember the early mornings waking up in his arms, making love, and just how happy I was that he was mine. I can't wait to see him tomorrow I start to get jittery and plan the outfit I am going to wear in my head. I finally finish the painting and it looks so happy, I'm really glad it came out the way I envisioned. By now it's 8 p.m. and I am getting ready for bed, I am sitting in front of the mirror and looking at my reflection. My hair cascades down my shoulders to my stomach in waves. I grab it and brush it through and smile at the fact that I am finally at peace with my decision and feel like a strong, confident woman once again. I will not let Lyla get the best of me and project my insecurities onto my love. I will remain firm in what we have and rely on the firm foundation we have built together. I breath in and out and think about all that he has done to make me feel loved. I decide the painting isn't enough and that I want to write him a letter. I want him to have something that he can go to that conveys my true feelings for him. I stay awake all night putting together the perfect letter for him.