CYPHER

The problem with our memories...

JAYMIE

It was morning and she left her bed sleepy eyed as she headed to the kitchen , following the smell of pancakes .

Everyone was in the kitchen .

Dean was seating on one of the kitchen stools and eating pancakes , dad was seating too and reading the papers , he had the paper covering his face and then Mum was at the cooker making more pancakes , even though there was already a pretty high tower of pancakes by their side .

Jaymie smiled and rushed to the table , hugging Dean so he could lift her on to a stool too .

She pulled the pancakes next to their mum closer and filled her plates , she reached out for the syrup and noticed it was almost empty and pushed the container away from her , she would not be the one to eat the last of the syrup .

She began to eat , not paying any attention to the meal and instead watching her dad's fingers as they turned the pages and her mother's wild hair as it bobbed behind her .

The pancake In her mouth was so salty , she looked down at her plate and saw that it was drenched in her tears .

She continued to eat though , it was pancake that her mum had made , she had no idea when next she would dream of her mother cooking for her .

Yes , Jaymie knew she was dreaming .

It was only on her dreams , she could still have her parents .

But even in her dreams , her parents never looked at her because she had no idea what they even looked like .

Suddenly the pancake in her mouth was sweet and Jaymie hurriedly looked down at her plate .

Her pancakes were no longer soaked with tears , they were fresh and fluffy looking and over them, the brown syrup dazzled .

She turned sharply to Dee who had a pea sized amount of the syrup over his own pancakes .

He was smiling brightly at her , Jaymie struggled from spoiling her perfect dream by kicking her brother .

But , like every thing in her life , even this dream was ending .

Dad was on his last page of the newspaper , mum's pancake tower was more than high enough and Dee's plate was almost empty .

Jaymie rushed her food , pleading silently not to be left behind as she stuffed her mouth full with the pancakes .

But , as her plea was silent , she was unheard .

Her dad closed the newspaper and disappeared , mum switched off the cooker and went with him too and then Dee stood up and kissed her forehead before he too dissapeared .

And again , Jaymie was left all alone .

She screamed and flipped over the plate of pancakes before she woke up .

She woke with a jerk and looked around her to find Dee.

But , he was not by her side and she was still on Laura's couch .

Jaymie pushed herself up to sit on the couch , she was still clutching the papers that her brother had left her .

She would not open it , he would meet them exactly as he had left it .

She picked up their family picture and stared at all their faces , memorizing what their faces looked like as she caressed the frame .

She pushed herself off the couch and left the room with her frame and the letters that Dee had left her .

She headed out of Laura's apartment and into theirs , there was no need to switch on the light since she knew where everything was .

She went straight to the bed and lay down , pulling their blanket over her .

The blanket that Dee had almost never used , he was always wrapping her up like she was a sausage that he needed to keep warm , while he shivered all through the night .

Jaymie stuck her face into the blankets and the tears came down.

She wished he had at least told her before leaving , she had begun to resent herself for not saying a proper goodbye to him .

They had never been apart for longer than a couple of hours .

He always ran back home in between shifts , called every hour that they were apart and spent the rest of his time catering after her needs .

Even though he had said he was only going to work , discomfort still lingered at the back of Jaymie's mind .

If she did not have a heart as weak as wet bread , she would have never been tired when they arrived .

She would have been able to follow her brother to know where he was supposed to be working .

In fact , if she did not have such a weak heart in the first place , Dee would have never had to leave .

It did not help that she did not trust anyone from WIC , Jaymie had watched enough movies to know that rich people were really scary .

Jaymie crawled off the bed , so it would not get soaked as the tears continued to slip out , she crawled down to their old TV and VCR , their stash of CDs was next to it all .

Dee always arranged the movies in order of how much Jaymie liked them ,so Jaymie had come to be able to know which movie was which by just touching the arrangement .

A thought struck Jaymie , she did not know her brothers favorite movie or genre , he had just always watched whatever she wanted to watch without complaining .

She did not know what his favorite food , snacks , vegetables , fruit or even drinks were .

They had always just eaten what Jaymie wanted to eat , the tears fell harder .

Dee was such an i***t when it came to her because he was doing everything to fill the gap he thought their parents had left when they died .

But , it was nothing like that and Jaymie should have told him .

She should have told him why she looked at their only family picture so much .

She should have told him just how much she loved him .

The truth was that Jaymie had no recollection of their parents , even their faces .

And she had never missed them too .

Maybe if she had gone out more and seen children interact with their parents ,she could have come to miss her own parents .

But she did not remember them at all , so she had never missed them , she had only wished they were alive so Dee did not have to worry so much .

Ever since she could remember anything , it had only been Dee by her side , constantly hovering like she would spill and he would not be able to collect her back into his cup .

She should have told Dee that she looked at the picture so much to remember the faces of the people Dee loved so much .

She should have begged Dee not to go to that house .

She got up from the floor and went over to the kitchen , switching on the light as she did .

Jaymie looked at the light that had been so easy to put on , the switch was just at her height so she could use it without stressing herself , just like the many things that Dee had tweaked in their house .

She took out a cup to drink water today , Dee would have wanted her to use a cup .

As she filled the cup , She caught sight of the towels Dee had used to dry the plates he had used to cook the food that had filled Laura's fridge .

The tears began afresh as she forced herself to gulp down the water .

This was just the beginning of the third day , How could she wait for the next four days for her brother to get back ?

Jaymie rinsed the cup and returned it .

She pulled the stool over to the kitchen countertop and went to get her backpack .

She took out her calculus textbook , her stationary and the diary that Dee had bought her that she had turned Into a book to keep her formulas.

It was pink , preposterous ! She would have preferred if it was as black as her heart .

And it had a picture of a girl peeking at a boy in the park , stalking the boy to be exact.

A book for little girls to write about the crushes they had , that was what Dee had said .

Jaymie had told him , it was a book to encourage perverted behavior in girls and help them hone their stalking ability .

She sighed , unable to open her book .

She had read somewhere that artists and geniuses made their best works when they were uneasy .

But , she had tried doing multiples of seven and had stopped before she could cross a hundred billion .

Jaymie forced the book open and began to write down problems on multivariates , solving these would take her mind off her brother .

At least , for thirty minutes .