Hunted by Darkness

All Over Again

Sarah

A steam roller must have run over her during the night. Her body hurt, her eyelids were stuck together, and she didn’t think she would be able to move.

It hadn’t been her intention to fall asleep; She had stared at that door for most of the night. Darkness always made things worse. Every shadow, every noise, was always a hundred times worse at night. Bad enough for her to want to hide under the bed. She had considered it too and would have done it if she wasn’t too afraid to take her eyes off the door. She wouldn’t have been able to see it from under there. Paranoia had taken a toll on her.

She pulled the blinds open, daylight flooding the room. Under the sun, what had happened last night seemed stupid. Still, she worried. She couldn’t even help the pinch of fear in her stomach as she walked down the stairs and into the kitchen. Her stomach twisted in a knot as she walked through the door, but there was nothing on the other side to justify her feelings. Her parents sat at the table with cups of coffee and toasts. What had she expected? She should laugh at herself and forget everything else.

‘Good morning, Sarah!’ her mother smiled.

She smiled back, but she didn’t have the energy to keep it up for long.

‘How did you sleep?’

‘Not so well,’ she replied. ‘I think I’m just not used to the bed.’

‘You should have slept in your own room. I’m sure you would have slept better.’

Sarah didn’t answer. The idea of sleeping there gave her chills. If she had been terrified in the spare room, there was no saying how she would feel in her old room.

‘It’s just…’ that I feel like it’s a dead person’s room? She couldn’t say that. “I’m not ready yet, that’s all.”

‘Well, maybe this will help, then,’ Her mother put her coffee down. ‘I’ve invited some of your high school friends to come over this afternoon.’

Every ounce of blood vanished from her face, a cold sweat coating her forehead. Her mouth became dry, and she couldn’t find her voice.

‘Helen,’ her father intervened ‘I told you it was too soon for that.’

‘That’s not what the doctor said. Look,’ she faced Sarah now ‘you don’t need to worry about anything. I have told them what’s going on, so they don’t expect you to be your… well. They know, anyway.’

Sarah’s father rolled his eyes but went back to check his e-mails. Her mother turned her attention to the kettle and prepared her a cup of tea.

Nerves knotted her insides, and she was only able to take small sips of her tea. When her mother brought her toast, she pushed it away. She couldn’t bring herself to eat it.

The rest of the day was a blur of nerves. She didn’t even give another thought to what had happened during the night. The closer the afternoon was, the sillier the whole affair seemed.

None of that made her feel calmer, though. She was still unable to eat anything at lunch, her mind racing through what she would say and how they would react and what would happen. Over and over. Even though her mother had explained about her amnesia and they didn’t have any expectations, it was hard to believe they wouldn’t be disappointed.

Her nerves increased to the point she thought she would vomit. As the time came closer, she disappeared into the bathroom. The image the mirror returned was her own, she knew. She had become used to it now and recognised it, but the first time they had put a mirror in front of her had been very upsetting. Now the black curls didn’t shock her, nor did the blue eyes or the small nose. Her existence was too complicated to care about her looks. Still, she wondered if her friends would recognise her. It was a superficial concern, but she couldn’t help it. Would they look at her and say: ‘oh, no, that’s not the Sarah we know?’

She almost wished it was like that. If they didn’t recognise her as their friend they wouldn’t be looking for her in what she said or the way she behaved.

The doorbell rang downstairs, startling her. A mild panic overwhelmed her mind, in a bid to find a suitable excuse to hide in her room. None forthcoming, she forced a deep breath into her lungs and went downstairs.

‘Hi Mary, Alex!’ she heard her mother said.

‘Hi, Mrs Morgan.’

Mary was short, like Sarah, and had long brown hair that fell like a waterfall down her back. She recognised her from one of the pictures in her old room.

The boy looked a bit older than her and had the same hair colour, with dark brown eyes. Sarah was sure she had never seen him before, not in pictures, nor in person. She would remember having seen somebody that stupidly hot.

‘Hi…’ it was a third person, another girl. She had short blond hair, tall and athletic; it was the girl always smiling in all the photos she had seen. Her name was Lucy if she remembered right.

‘What are you doing here?’ her mother’s voice was surprisingly cold and artificial.

‘I… Mary told me she was coming so I asked if I could come too.’

‘I’m afraid you will be wasting your time. Sarah doesn’t remember anything.’

‘Well, then she won’t remember Mary and Alex either, so it should be fine,’ the girl replied coldly.

Sarah watched the whole exchange from the top of the stairs. It was difficult not to be shocked at her mother’s tone. She had to wonder if Lucy was one of those friends parents didn’t like, which would mean Mary was one of those they did like.

She made it downstairs and came to a stop, her eyes on her mother. It was both a questioning look and a way not to look at the others yet. Their eyes were burning on her, and their tension made the air vibrate.

‘Hi,’ she said, finally turning to them.

She was too nervous for even smile, so she stood there, picking at her nails, trying not to stare.

‘Hi,’ Lucy sounded as nervous as she felt.

Mary’s and Alex’s greetings were way more enthusiastic, though.

‘How are you feeling?’ he asked.

‘I’m fine, thanks.’

‘You gave us a good scare with that accident.’ Mary said, with an awkward chuckle.

She’d like to say the accident scared her too, but she didn’t remember it either. It had been her mother who explained. She had been in Glastonbury for the music festival and then stayed a couple of days for some sightseeing. On the second day, she had been found passed out near Glastonbury Abbey. The truth was nobody knew how she had got there or what happened. She had a couple of bones broken and a contusion, and yet there were no clues of what caused them. She could have been attacked, and she brought that up several times, but her mother wouldn’t hear of it. She preferred to think it had been an accident, even if she never specified what type of accident, blinded to any possibilities that sounded too horrible.

‘Why don’t you all sit in the living room? I’ll make some tea,’ her mother offered.

They all moved in silence. The three of ‘her friends’ sat on the sofa while she sat alone on the edge of an armchair, ready to run away any minute. Nobody was sure of what to say, so they didn’t say anything.

‘You must be glad to be out of hospital,’ Lucy was the first one to speak.

‘Yeah,’ except that she wasn’t, but she didn’t think they would understand.

‘I texted you these past weeks,’ Mary added.

‘I don’t have a mobile phone.’

‘Well, you sure had one,’ Mary laughed.

‘Right,’ she wasn’t sure what was funny about that. ‘Maybe I lost it during the accident.’

‘I wonder how you managed. You used to be on f******k all the time!’ she continued. ‘You do remember f******k, right?’

She nodded with a fake smile. She hadn’t remembered what f******k was when she woke up. Her mother had to teach her about social media, in between many other things.

‘Maybe what you need is a shopping trip. We could get you a new phone!’ Mary suggested.

‘That sounds like a wonderful idea,’ her mother came in, carrying a tray loaded with mismatched mugs and biscuits.

Sarah reached behind her neck for a curl of her hair. She had gotten into the habit of twirling it around her finger after the accident. It was a tight curl, and it was so soothing to feel it sliding off her finger.

‘Only if you feel like it,’ Lucy offered after a few seconds.

It pleased her that somebody suggested it was up to her. She hadn’t even though about having a mobile phone, but maybe it would be helpful. If she was able to talk to these friends without her mother watching over her shoulder, maybe she would be able to ask the questions that were hounding her. It might even help her recent paranoia to be away from her parents for a couple of hours.

‘Sure, it’s a good idea.’

Everybody seemed very excited at the prospect.

‘I’m sure Mary, Alex and you will have fun,’ her mother said.

Lucy looked at her with her eyebrows high, near her hairline, and Sarah could understand why. She had left her out for no reason. It didn’t even look like it was a mistake.

‘I’ll be there too,’ she said ‘she’ll be safe with us.’

Well, this girl wasn’t letting anybody tell her where she could go or not…

‘Of course, of course,’ her mother said with a forced smile.

They had tea while Mary and Alex carried out most of the conversation, going over anecdote after anecdote. Lucy sometimes intervened to set things straight, as they seemed to be embellishing quite a bit. Her facial expressions were worth following as she seemed surprised at some of the things the pair were telling. When they finished their drinks, her mother started clearing the table, and Lucy offered to help. Mary followed too, and all three disappeared into the kitchen, leaving her alone with Alex. Not wasting any time, the boy jumped off and came to sit near her. He took her hands in his own, his skin soft. Sarah was too startled to react.

‘I’ve missed you,’ he smiled and then, without warning, applied his lips to hers in a one-sided kiss.

Sarah didn’t even have time to push him away. It had been a quick peck that had felt nothing like she thought it would feel. Had there been other kisses before? She couldn’t remember. As far as she was concerned, this was her first time and it hadn’t been what she expected. First of all, she assumed it would be with a boy she liked, and she didn’t know this guy. The way he had spoken, they must have been in some sort of relationship before the accident, but her mother had never mentioned him, and she didn’t remember seeing his picture in her room. Maybe her parents didn’t know about this relationship. Her head was spinning. She felt embarrassed and didn’t know what to say.

‘Sorry, I know your mum said you didn’t remember anything, but I couldn’t help myself,’ he stood up and got back to the sofa before the others came back.

‘Are you ok?’ Lucy asked when they joined them again.

Sarah could feel the heat on her face; she must be bright red.

‘Yes. It’s just a bit warm.’

The girls kept talking while Alex stared at her. She avoided his gaze, confused ideas running around her head. He was handsome, not very tall, but athletic and stylish. And yet, when he kissed her, she didn’t feel a thing.

A couple of hours had passed when everybody stood up to leave. They made plans to meet in a couple of days to go shopping. That settled, everybody said their goodbyes. Mary gave her a big hug that made her tense, while Alex waved goodbye and Lucy watched her with a pained look in her eyes. She could understand; the girl looked like she felt.

Her friends left. Well, old Sarah’s friends.

Old Sarah, who was she?

Was Alex her boyfriend? Was she popular and boisterous? Was she into sports? She couldn’t identify with any of that. New Sarah didn’t know who she was. It would all be so much easier if she could take on a new name and live in a new place where nobody knew who she used to be and nobody expected anything.

‘Well, I think that went well!’ her mother clapped her hands.

‘I suppose.’ An insecure smile spread on her lips. ‘I have a headache; I think I’m going to lie down if that’s ok.’

‘Sure! A lot of excitement for one day. You go rest.’

After two hours of empty conversation and stories she had no memories of, she couldn’t face the rest of the afternoon sitting downstairs. Another minute pretending to be social, even if it was only with her parents, would kill her.

Once in the room, she flopped onto the bed and stared at the ceiling. It had become a bit of a pastime now. The white ceilings might reveal some answers if she stared at it long enough. There wasn’t anything wrong with wishful thinking, was there?

**********

Gabriel

It had been two days now since he had seen her last. The nurse in reception confirmed what he had suspected, that she had gone home with her parents. That was fine, he supposed. He knew where she lived.

So why didn’t that make him feel better?

Her parents had never liked him and, even if they had, she wouldn’t remember him anyway. That might be it. At least, while she was in treatment, he could get a glimpse of her pale skin and dark hair.

His mind went back and forth. Should he fight for her or let it go?

The latter option was a product of his fear, though. There was a possibility that he couldn’t ignore, that Sarah would never remember him. That she would take one look at him and not even hear him out. The thought was a fist squashing his heart.

The chances of it all ending well for them were slim; he knew that. He deserved the pain he was feeling. After all, it was his fault if she got hurt. He should never have taken her to the tower. But then, he didn’t remember what happened there either, did he?

Option two, moving on, forgetting about her, would be equally painful. Whether he resigned himself now or later, it wouldn’t make much difference. It would be the logical thing to do. Just grab his things and move town, maybe to London, maybe Glasgow. Or another country altogether. Away from this, from them.

So why couldn’t he leave?

He knew why. Sitting on his bike, across the street from the hospital, he pulled out his wallet. It was folded in four and, when he opened it, the lines crossed the thick photographic paper like white lightning. But you could still see them fine. He stood there too, but his eyes went straight for the dark-haired beauty in his arms. He remembered the feeling of her hand on his back and the warmth of her body against his side. Her smile was big, and her eyes shiny, on the picture, her curls piled on top of her head. He was happy then, and he hadn’t even realised. That’s why trading it didn’t seem like a big deal back then, but now… well, he only had traded it for regret.