The Rambling Of An Average Person

Day 1 Extended

Today is the third day in a row I have woken up feeling quite peaceful. Most people wouldn't even notice if they woke up feeling good. They would just start their day. I am unfortunately very suspicious. To many good days in a row only means one thing for someone like me. It means a storm is coming. It means that I am about to erupt like a volcano. The only problem with this realization is that while this bomb is about to blow, I don't know when or why it's going to happen. The when is really irrelevant, and the why is always illusive. Honestly, I don't even feel like there is a real reason why sometimes. It is absolutely terrifying. When I was younger, I always had such wonderful composure. My poker face was unmatched. No one could tell what I was really feeling or thinking unless I wanted them to. Now, I find myself not being able to hold my tongue on the most simple of matters. It's like my tongue overrides my brain and just starts running the show. Regardless. I am worried about what is to come. Am I the only one who gets more and more uneasy as the good days pile on?

As you have very well noticed, my thoughts are very scrambled. I have ADHD as well as other issues that make it very hard for me to track a single thought for very long. It is very easy for me to have trigger thoughts and go down a rabbit hole of seemingly random to most people. I'm my mind, though it's not very random at all. In my mind, it's all a domino effect. One thought triggers a feeling that triggers another thought or feeling, and so on and so forth. I am, at the ripe age of 32, just now learning to not absolutely hate the way my mind works. It makes it very hard for me to even carry a standard conversation with someone. If you ever have a face to face conversation with me, be prepared to go on three side quests, two day dreams, and you know we are gonna stop for snacks along the way. It makes me feel like I appear weird to other people. Before you say it, I know I know I shouldn't care what others think. But I do. More than I should. It's one of many toxic traits I have. Thankfully, I have a partner who is patient enough to love me through my bad days, even when I can't love myself.

There are two reasons for me publishing these entries on here, you guys. Firstly, it is the best form of therapy for myself. This way, I'm feeling heard and am able to get these random thoughts and feelings out. Secondly, maybe this way, if someone else out there can relate to any of the nonsensical babbles that I manage to share with the world, then that means that we are not alone. That means that somewhere other people feel just as out of step or out of place as I do.

If you are out there and you enjoy reading my inner ramblings, then I'm glad that we could share this time together and I thank you for deciding to share some of your precious and irreplaceable time reading my... Rambles. And if you are wondering, yes, this is exactly how I talk as well. I am a mess. A middle-aged aged, Pan, American, mentally semi stable, mess. But this mess is under construction. Every. Single. Day. It's hard work to maintain this mess. But I do it. Some days not as gracefully as others, but I am still here and still working towards a better version of me every day.

Somedays, no matter how hard I try, I am not a better version of me. Sometimes, I am downright ugly. Sometimes, I am cold and distant. Sometimes I feel bad for my partner. I know there are days when I am literally not capable of reciprocating. Days where I feel it's safer for him if I keep my distance. Those days, I am on a hair trigger. Those days just looking at me too long makes me angry because I feel like I'm being judged.

Makes no sense, right? Yeah, I know. It makes no sense to me either. That's the thing nothing makes sense. Literally nothing. Have you not seen the crazy things happening in this world today? Nothing makes sense.

Now we live in the day and age where we are aware of all of the problems. Now we just need to decide what we are going to do with them. Today, I choose to write. Today, I choose to take another path a, hopefully healthier path to managing... Well... Life.

I think one of my biggest victories today is that I haven't yelled. I haven't even been upset. I have managed to hold on to the same bubbly energy I had when I opened my eyes this morning. That is rare. Even on the best days, I snap at least a couple of times. Today, so far, so good. But today is also an exceptionally nice day. It isn't too hot outside. All of the flowers in the neighborhood are in full bloom, and thank God everyone here really loves Jasmine. the smell dancing on the morning air is most calming. I love days like this. I feel like I can ease into my day a little better. A little nicer.

I call days like today Angel days. I am so sweet and peaceful and considerate. I feel like on days like this, I am crushing it in life. I didn't even require caffeine to start my day. All I needed was my nicotine vape(I am working on quitting, so dont judge), my favorite true crime podcast, and my new diamond art. Not bad, right? But to leave off on a funny note, here is one for you. Why don't demons eat ghosts?

Because they taste like sheet...

lol night everyone.