Consumed By Fire

Stoking The Ember

I enjoyed the trip to the mountains with the kids. We went to an aquarium and a dinosaur museum. They got to ride some carnival-type rides, bumper cars and we did a little bear watching, from the car and hotel balcony only. It was a nice trip and the kids seem to have really enjoyed themselves.

Now that we are back, I feel trapped again. This can't be the life I am meant to live. I love my children more than anything in the world and I believe that they deserve to have a happy mother. I never wanted to get a divorce because that means that everyone was right about him and I failed. Not that I didn't know what I was getting into, I did. When you spend the afternoon after your marriage crying on your mom's shoulder and asking, "What did I do, Mom? What did I do?", it's a pretty clear indication that you weren't confident in this life-altering decision you had made. Couple that with the fact that I proposed not even showing up for the ceremony, stating, "You know, we don't have to do this." I should have known the reason for going through with the marriage would not have anything to do with his feelings for me, as he replied, "Yes we do. Everyone is waiting for us." If he were meant for me he would have said something like, you are right Taylor, we don't have to do this but I want to do this because I love you. I also want you 100% in this with me and if you're not, we can wait until you're ready to do it because I do want you to be my wife. I wanted so much to escape my over-bearing father and all-around dysfunctional family, I settled for someone I knew wasn't right for me. Lately, I can't seem to help thinking about every wrong I have turned a blind eye to and how much I genuinely dislike this man that I married. Not only that, I do not like myself, with him. On the rare occasions, he graces us with his presence; I am always on edge, defensive and sometimes downright hostile. How dare he come home only to stuff his stupid face! He'll be gone again as soon as his belly is full. Let's see what happens if I offer to join him, I mean he's going either way and those daily workouts have me looking better than I have in years. "So, I was thinking I would go out with you tonight, I'd like to sing."

We arrived at Clyde's favorite local bar, Depot Club. It's almost 9:00 and this place is empty except for the two of us. I am sitting at the bar enjoying the time with Addy, since there are literally no other customers. The manager comes around and says he's gonna announce last call and asked if we wanted to head over to The Lounge to hang out and do some karaoke. Just as he announced last call, a group of young women were entering the bar. The manager let them know that they were welcome to have a drink but last call was just announced. The girls ended up leaving and my i***t of a husband could not help himself before a sexist, judgemental and racist comment jumped straight from his brain and out of his stupid mouth. "Those are the girls from the nail shop, they're all prostitutes." WTF?!? Like, did he really just say what I thought he said? Of course he did. Is it because they are Asian? "You should not say such things about people you don't know. How would you even know?" His reply came quickly and certainly, "Oh, I know for a FACT!" Did he just say that? Is he admitting to paying for s****l favors? I feel the need to punch him as I question, "Oh, you know for a fact? Well, I am telling you that from my point of view there is only one way you would know for a fact. Are you telling me that YOU have paid them?!?!" I can't believe what a stupid man I married! I want him to find a girlfriend and leave, not pay for s*x with our money! I guess him paying for it is a more reasonable assumption. His reply came a little slower this time, "Well, no. BUT, I still know for a fact." Here we go, "How do you not understand what I just said? Let me slow it down for you. There is only one way that you could possibly know for a fact. Are you following me?" He nods his head and I go on, "Are you sure you know for a fact that those girls are prostitutes?" He says yes and tries to say that he is not saying what I think he is... I have had enough, "Bye, Addy! I'm walking home."

I was almost at the end of the parking lot when my cell starts ringing. It's Addy, "Taylor, what do you think you are doing walking away from here. You know that girl was taken from here about a month ago and killed." I am so stubborn sometimes, "I'll be okay Addy, I do not live too far from here and nobody would want me anyway." Addy goes full blown mom on me, "Taylor, get your butt back in here and let me finish up. Then we are going over to The Lounge and we are going to sing some songs and have some fun." I sighed in defeat, "Fine, but keep that asshole away from me!"

We made our way over to The Lounge and Addy had talked me into leaving my anger at Depot Club. I walked in and found my favorite table, against the wall. I smiled at Jake and made my way up to his booth. I leaned down and got shoulder to shoulder with Jake before asking him to add me to the rotation and selecting a song. I gave him a bright smile and bumped shoulders with him before heading back to my table. I was openly flirting with him. He looks so friendly and inviting. Of course, it only adds to his already handsome face. I find that I am coming up with questions about this song or that, knowing that he has them all. I don't know what I am doing but I want... no... I need to know him.

I am having a great time, showing off my vocal abilities, for Jake. I think he digs it. I am avoiding that i***t asshole husband of mine as much as possible, which isn't hard to do considering he is busy talking to everyone else. The life of the party and the butt of all jokes, but too dumb to realize it. As I am watching the door and awaiting my next song, a boisterous man comes bounding in with a huge infectious smile on his face. He makes his way over to Jake and then I see Jake hand over the microphone. The boisterous man is apparently Jake's older brother, Jared. Jared announces that he is going to take over for a little while and allow Jake to have a break. My, my, did this night just get more interesting...

Jake made his way over to the bar and ordered a beer. Well, would you look at that, I could use a beer. I bounced up to the bar and slid up on the stool next to Jake while the bartender handled customers at the other end of the bar. Determined to find out if I am crazy or if this pull is real, "Break time, huh?" Jake looks at me with a smile, "Yes it is. Are you having fun tonight?" I smiled back, "I am. I always have fun when I'm singing. My life has a soundtrack; I'm forever listening to music and singing along. It used to drive my brothers crazy and sometimes I think it drives my kids crazy." "You have kids?", he asks. "Yes, two beautiful children. My little boy is 7 and my baby girl just turned 3.", I am itching to break out the pictures, yes I am one of those moms. "Do you have kids?", I ask "I have three boys, a 9 year-old and..". "Wait, you have a 9 year-old son? How old are you?", I said, without allowing him to finish. "I'm 29.", he said. I kind of bounced a little in my seat, "Me too!, well I am actually closer to 30 than 29, my birthday is in August." Jake says, "My birthday is the end of this month so I am actually 28." Holy Swiss cheese, Batman! He is not too young to flirt with. What the hell... let's show the pictures. "So, I'm sorry I cut you off, you just look so much younger than you are. You have three boys and the oldest is 9..." Jake picks up without missing a beat, "my middle son has just turned 5 and the youngest is 2." "Got pictures?", I asked, waving my phone at him. We spent the next several minutes showing off our cute kids to one another when Jake says, "Look Taylor, don't get me wrong... I'm enjoying talking to you and all, but isn't that your husband over there?" Honestly, I answered, "Yes, it is, but he doesn't care what I do. While I'm sitting over here yucking it up with some guy, a guy neither of us know, he has his back turned to me because he thinks he's the best I'll get." "I'm sorry, did you just use the phrase, yucking it up?", Jake asks with a light chuckle. "Why, yes. Yes I did. Look, I was around my grandmother a lot and I had old grandparents. My grandmother was born in 1915. She had a certain way of speaking. I have a family full of neandrethal males. Really, there's no tellin what might come out of this mouth of mine. I know how to speak properly, it just doesn't always happen.", I rambled. Jake let that soak in for a second and then we continued our conversation as if this wouldn't lead me down a path to... something. "So, you're son is 7 and you were already married when you had him, high school sweethearts? I was with my 2 older sons' mom from the time we were like 13-14." I am not sure what expression my face held, "No, nothing like that, I was newly back in town and didn't know anyone. This dude really wanted to go out with my friend and she said that she would not go out with him alone so they decided to introduce us. We started dating, we saw each other every day, yada yada. We only dated a little over a year before we got married and a little less than a year later I was pregnant with Toby." "That dude over there though, jackass, 100%." Jake laughs at that and, for some reason, I want to let him know that an end to my marriage is likely already quickly approaching. " I swear, I told my friends at work that I wish he would find a girlfriend and leave me. I am basically a married, single mom." Did I reveal too much? There's a fine line between subtly inviting advances and over-sharing. I hope that didn't sound bitter or make it seem as if I approach strangers in bars often to get my rocks off. I really need to learn how to interact with adults outside of work. Pull yourself together here woman! Just try not to ramble so much, it makes your crazy show.

"So, you said you're always listening to music. I'm the same way.", Jake admits. "What kind of music do you listen to?", he inquires. "Oh, I listen to all kinds and when I say all, I do not mean pop, country and rock. In my playlist, you will find everything from old school rap to country to swing jazz to metal to some really obscure stuff. What about you?" "I like to listen to a little bit of everything as well, but rock is my favorite." Talking to a fellow music lover is nice, "See, I don't even know if I could pick a favorite genre and there is no way I could pick a favorite song. As far as genres, those have become more prevalent during certain periods of my life or even from one day to the next. Today I could be listening to angry rock and tomorrow it could be bubble gum pop." Jake nodded his head in agreement. "I like this song, do you want to dance?", Jake asked. I looked over to the table I had long abandoned and Jake walked over and asked that i***t if he could dance with me. Of course, he said yes. He really didn't see Jake as a threat. He never saw anyone as a threat; I was the obedient wife who should be thankful that I have him. It never mattered how disrespectful his friends' comments about my body were or that one guy that liked to run his nose up the length of my neck and tell me how wonderful I smell. What kind of a man is he? What a p***y! Smiling, I took Jake's hand; he led me to the dance floor and we swayed along together, effortlessly. "See, I told you he doesn't care.", driving my point home. We continued to talk, only now, looking directly into each other's eyes. I'm not sure what Jake saw in my eyes that night, but in his eyes I saw passion and adoration. I have seen this man only twice and really talked with him once, but he has managed to make me feel like I am the only woman in this bar, and he knows that I am married to someone else. Maybe he is just super nice and you look like you could use a friend, is all. Are you severely misinterpreting what you think you see in his eyes? Is the passion you think you see lust and the adoration... is it actually pity? Davis did say that you could see unhappy wife written across my forehead. Is he looking for a quick hook-up? Am I? I am getting ahead of myself. We've had friendly conversations and one dance. He may not want anything, but why would a single man spend so much time with someone seemingly unavailable if they weren't at least looking for no-strings s*x? I think it's time to go. I need to clear my head and decide where my life is heading. I said goodnight to Jake and he asked if I would be back to sing again tomorrow night. Not knowing just how much I wanted to stoke the small flames beginning to burn, I gave a noncommittal shrug and a smile as I walked out the door.