Consumed By Fire

Where There's Smoke, There's Fire

The next morning, I got out of bed and started a pot of coffee. I always enjoyed my quiet time in the morning before everyone began to stir and I had to meet the demands of being a wife and mother. I would often use this time to scroll through social media, decide what to make for breakfast and handle any leftover clean-up from the night before. With a cup of coffee and my laptop in tow, I headed out to the back patio. The laptop did not serve as the distraction I thought it would. My mind kept going back to Jake, a young father with custody of his kids, who speaks so adoringly about his kids and I've always known I wanted that for my own kids and then I spiraled. I accepted the reality a long time ago that they would never have it with the man I chose to be their father. No, that man cared about one thing above all others and that was himself. Though I had always known deep down that I wasn't in love with HIM, just with the idea of the family that I wanted, it wasn't always like this. At one time, he was a pretty good father to our son. He would drop him off in the mornings before work and often pick him up before I came home from work. Then one day, everything changed. He stopped calling me to let me know that he would be late. He stopped answering my calls and texts when it would be getting late and I just wanted to know that he was safe. There were never any excuses, he was out drinking with Ronald, his new boss; and that should have been enough for me. Turns out, Ronald, was a serial cheater. Ronald was having an affair with his brother's wife, for goodness sake! Then there was the night that Ronald didn't realize I was sitting right beside my i***t husband when he proposed hooking up my husband with his daughter! Someone that loves you would not tolerate such disrespect. Someone that loves you would not coerce you into going to that man's house and spend an entire day with him, listening to him spew his thoughts on monogamy and how we should have another kid because, at least, we made beautiful babies. All of the tactless comments and unwanted inappropriate touches from his creepy friends came flooding back. I thought about the time we talked about getting a divorce before our daughter was born. I literally just went to work every day and then came home to care for my son while he stayed out all hours of night and yet, HE lectured ME for three hours about all of the things that I needed to change. I needed to stop calling him when he didn't answer. I had to stop getting upset when I went to bed alone every night. I was a nag and he couldn't handle that. I remember how I cried and begged him to let me make it right. I was so afraid of having a failed marriage. There was no way I could have moved back in with my parents and in my mind there was no way I could have done it alone. By this point, I had thoroughly disgusted myself with how weak a woman I was. If he can live for himself, why can't I live for me? I think I will go out tonight, since there is no karaoke at Depot Club tonight, there is only one place to go... The Lounge.

I headed back inside and noticed that the kids were beginning to stir, so I started making breakfast. I love those adorable little blond-haired, hazel-eyed babies of mine. My sister joined me in the kitchen and then we heard Clyde coming out of the bedroom. We shared a look of knowing that the morning would no longer be peaceful. My morning reflection only stirred up a decades' worth of resentment toward a man that took pride in trying to break and hold me down. I put all of my focus into making homemade waffles for my babies while my mind drifts away again. I don't even know who I am anymore. Mom telling me that I never smile anymore, that I am different. I detest him, the sound of his voice, his stupid face, the way he puffs out his chest when he walks. He's so smug, I want to punch him in his stupid face! "So Rose, your sister spent the entire night last night flirting with some kid.", Clyde said. "I was not flirting, you know I always try to make friends with the folks that run the show.", I said, which was not a complete lie. "And, he's not a kid, he's my age." Lucky for me we did not dwell on the subject and after cleaning up the breakfast dishes, I went on to have a normal day of playing with the kids and doing some grocery shopping. By the time we sat down for dinner, I was ready to see how this was going to go. "What are your plans for tonight?", I asked, seemingly uninterested. "I figured I would go meet up with Todd at the Depot, you wanna come?", he replied with the same disinterest. "You know I only have fun if I am singing and since there is a band at the Depot, I was thinking I would go to The Lounge tonight." "Okay, be safe and I will probably drop in later.", Clyde answers. Finding some enthusiasm, I said, "Sounds good, I'll see you later then." I dressed in simple jeans and a t-shirt so as not to arouse any suspicion and also because that is who I am to my core. Give me a pair of jeans and a graphic tee any day over just about anything except for shorts during the spring/summer months. Driving to The Lounge, I felt excited at the prospect of seeing Jake.

When I arrived, I saw that Jared was there and not Jake. I would not classify myself as a regular at this point, but I had shown up enough for the folks that were regulars to know my name and I had come to enjoy some playful banter with some of them. After saying hello to the folks that I had to come be a little familiar with I grabbed my drink and headed for my favorite table. I was not alone for long as I saw Jake come strolling through the back door. I couldn't help but smile when he looked up at me. "Do you mind if I sit with you?", Jake asks smiling at me. "No, I do not mind at all.", I said probably smiling like an i***t. Jake sat down and we talked more about our kids and music and he shared a little more with me about his family dynamic. He currently had custody of his two older boys and joint custody of his youngest son. I admired the way he talked about being a father. At one point in the night we were passing each other on the way to and from the stage when he looked into my eyes and said, "I love that smile." What is this man doing to me?!?! I shouldn't... but I want him. What would being with a man like him be like? What is he looking to get out of this? The more I talk to Jake, the more I want to. He is not like any man that I know. All the men in my life beginning with my father and uncles are all egotystical, mysoginistic, over-bearing and controlling assholes. This trait of course was passed down to the next generation of assholes and the cycle continues. Could it be that I have met a truly nice guy? All I know for sure is, nothing has excited me more than the prospect of getting to know Jake more in a very long time.

On Monday I couldn't wait until 10 AM. I would meet Lana for break and fill her in on everything. While Lana and I have never hung out, outside of work, we are always able to confide in one another without judgement. Lana has battled some demons and I have the utmost respect for her. We get to the break area and I look at Lana and say, "I met the most adorable man, this weekend.", I state bluntly and with a big smile on my face. Lana looks at me, "Taylor... be careful. What is it that you are expecting from this adorable man?" "Everything, nothing, I don't really know. I just know that I feel a pull towards him and I want to get to know him a little better.", I proclaim. "For now we are just two new friends that are getting to know one another.", Lana knew that was a lie as much as I did. "This one is gonna be trouble, Lana. I just know it.", still smiling as I said it. "You just make sure that you prepare yourself for the trouble and find your happiness, Taylor.", Lana said as we made our way back to the entrance of our office and parted ways.

We began to fall into a rhythm at my house. Sunday and Wednesday were my nights to sing karaoke and Tuesday and Thursday were Clyde's poker nights. By the time Wednesday rolled around, I couldn't wait to show up at The Lounge to see if Jake was working. His brother was working again and again I see Jake make his way through the back eyes zeroed in on me with a smile as he stops to greet some of the regulars. He again approaches my table and seeks permission to sit down. We carry on our noraml conversations about our kids and music and how we both like to read. I would say like is really an understatement for my love of reading. He reads fantasy novels while I read about paranormal creatures and horror stories. "Are you on MySpace?", he asks. "I am." "You want to be friends on there?", he questions. "Sure, let me look you up. What's your last name?" "Let me spell it for you, nobody says it right.", he said. "Well, nobody spells mine correctly, so I get it. Challenge me though, spell it.", I invite. He pulls up his profile and I correctly pronounce his last name, and he seemed truly surprised by that. "I went to school with a girl that had the same last name.", I say earning a rasied eyebrow. "Well, it is not a very common name.", he says. "I've only ever known the one girl.", I say in agreement. "I just sent the request did you get it?", I ask. "Received and accepted sending one back now...." I look at the notification on my phone, "Received and accepted." The night goes on much like the night before and I find myself hearing last call. Jake and I say goodnight and so far our conversations have remained innocent and the flirting pretty tame. The next day I started receiving notifications showing that Jake was liking and commenting on a few of my pictures. On one he commented, "You're so pretty." I am beginning to think that I have read this situation correctly and that his feelings are not purely platonic.

Over the next few days Jake and I sent messages back a forth a few times until one night I was responding and decided to be a little bold. I ended my message with, "You should call me sometime." and added my number. I have had guys ask for my number of late but I always just let them put their numbers in my phone knowing that I would never use them. Giving my number out was not something that I did. Usually the guys that asked knew Clyde and would say things like, "I can see that he's not treating you right, if you ever feel like you want to be treated right, give me a call." Which could sound like a line from the hero in a romance novel until you see the lustful expression and how they are eye-f*****g you while pretending to be sincere, clearly indicating that they are only interested in "treating you right" in one way. Why are men so predictable?!? Maybe it is me, men have told me I have bedroom eyes since I was about 17; and by the way, how is that ever not creepy coming from someone you are not involved with? So, giving Jake my number was a little out of my comfort zone and it kind of felt like me giving up my control. I chide myself mentally, You're striking a match you may not be able to blow out before it catches your world on fire. Are you ready to dance in the flames?