Consumed By Fire

From Trying Day To Sweet Night

I wake up looking forward to no work, extra time with my kiddos and my date tonight. There are a few errands I could run today. I did get paid today, so I may as well handle everything. I sat down and prepared to check my account balance. I hear, "Your available balance is three hundred thirteen dollars and seventy-two cents." What?!?! There is no way that this is right. I just got paid today. I hit the prompt for the transactions only to find that Clyde had been taking money out of the account at the casino in Mississippi. He must have withdrawn it before my check was posted. I immediately dialed Clyde, "Do you have any idea what you have done? I know that you have been putting more and more money into those machines at Depot Club, but this is unacceptable. You are aware that today is payday for me, right?", I pause and wait for him to connect the dots, which he doesn't. "Why is there only $300 in my account when I just got paid, Clyde?", I ask through gritted teeth. "Before you lie, I already know what happened to it.", I snap angrily. "You took money out of the ATM at the Casino and bounced my account. My check should have been about $1300. How am I supposed to pay the mortgage that is due tomorrow? I can't do this anymore. It will stop now or I am going to take my children and leave. If you think I am not deadly serious, please play with me this time. Now that I have told you how it is going to be, I am going to call your mother and tell her what you have done and what I have told you today.", I end my tirade as well as the call. I called Clyde's mother and proceeded to tell her what he had done and the ultimatum I gave him. She says that she understands where I am coming from and she doesn't blame me. Her concern shifts then to how she can fix it for him. She shows up a little while later and returns the money Clyde took from my account. She feels that now, I should calm down and get back to life as normal. "I appreciate you trying to make this right. You can't just always bail him out though. I want you to know that I am serious about what I said. The gambling stops now, or I'm out.", I tell Clyde's mother. "I have to tell you that Clyde has a tendency to just do what he wants to do. I am not telling you this to make you angry at him or to get you to side with me. I am simply telling you this so you are not surprised when I reach my breaking point." "Well, I sure hope that boy gets his head on straight. You need to take that card away from him when he gets home. If he can't be responsible for it, you shouldn't have let him have it!", she says, implying this is my fault. Throughout the past ten years, I have let Clyde's parents talk to me in ways I would never tolerate from my own parents. You see, Clyde was old-fashioned in the sense that you never raised your voice to or cursed around your parents. Which is funny because he never held anything back around my parents. I will not take the fall for this one. "Let me be crystal clear with you, I only added him to my account for emergency purposes. I did not request a card in his name. When he continued to show up every damn day around lunch time to withdraw money, the genius teller informed him that since his name was on the account, he could just order a card. He walks around with cash in his pocket and swipes that card for $1.00. I have asked him so many times not to do that or at least give me the receipts each night because he is not aware of the bills that are pending. I can't tell you how many times those little $1.00 charges have cost me a couple hundred dollars in fees. If I take his card, he goes back to withdrawing it at the counter. See, the problem is that you all have always looked down on me as if I married up with your son. At first, I think I may have believed you all. At 22, he had already been with the same company for five years and I did find that impressive. However, I have been with my company for eight years now and am moving into management. I am more highly educated than he is and we both know I'm a far superior parent. Your son has problems. He's an alcoholic that is quickly developing a gambling addiction. You have to stop giving him money whenever he asks. As for me, I will be moving all my money into my business account that he can't touch." I walked her to the door and thanked her again for her help. "Hey Margie... I meant every. single. solitary. word. I said today. I will not continue to live like this.", I say with finality. I feel eerily calm after Margie responds with a nod, "He just needs to quit all this foolishness and everything will be fine.", she begins. I turned quickly as to not blatantly roll my eyes in her face, "Bye, Margie".

The f*****g nerve of these people! I am not his mother. The story of my life though. Taylor, you're the responsible one. Why am I always expected to control others' actions? I can't make him love me and I no longer want to try. What I can do is end this misery and maybe, in time, he will become a better father. Maybe he will spend more time with the kids if I'm out of the picture. Sticking it out for the kids is not going to work. I lived through that. I won't do that to my babies. If he was even just a halfway decent father, I think I could learn to be okay with this life. We live mostly comfortably and my babies have a nice home in a nice neighborhood. I think I would rather live in a shack and be happy than in the most beautiful mansion and feel like I do today. What I thought was going to be my dream home, turned out to be a prison of my own making. I don't need him. I don't need anyone... well except my mom. I need to give her a call and see if she has a couple of rooms to spare. I hate to go back there but she has room for us and I need somewhere to land softly in order to start over. Closing the door to my bedroom, I dialed up my mother.

"Hey Mom." "Hey Taylor, how are you?", mom answers. "Mom, I'm about to ask you something and I need you to hear me out fully, okay?" "Sure baby, should I be worried?", she asks. "No Mom, no need to worry but I think I'm about to blow up my life." Cutting me off she asks, "Taylor is that about that Jake guy? Please be careful. You have a nice home and a stable life." I love my mother to the depths of my soul, but sometimes I find her lack of faith in me... infuriating. "Ugh, Mom! Please stop and just listen to me. I am actively having an affair... with a man that I like much more than my husband. This morning I woke up to find that my husband had cleaned out my bank account overnight, leaving me just over $300 and with the mortgage due tomorrow." I hear her gasp. "No Mom, I know you want to say things to me right now but I need you to just listen to me, please. I feel no remorse over my affair with Jake. In fact, I am taking him to dinner tonight for his birthday. This, though, is not about Jake. I am miserable and have been since before Katie was born. I thought moving here would change things for us and I was right, only it went in the opposite direction of my hopes. Do you want to watch me live a repeat of your life? Mom, Dad was never there and so part of you was always missing. You were a wonderful mother and I love you, but you gave up too much of yourself for a man that didn't deserve it. Yes, I know he is my dad, but that doesn't change the fact that he walked all over you while you were married and you continue to let him do it now. I cannot show Clyde the same devotion you showed Dad. You loved Dad, still do. I have no positive feelings for Clyde anymore. He is a terrible husband and a terrible father. Who knows what, if anything, will come out of this thing with Jake, but I can't at least try, Mom. So, when I am ready to do this, you know he will never agree to leave. I need rooms for us. I also need you to just believe in me. I can do this, Mom." "Okay honey. I know you can do it. You are so brave and strong. I never wanted you to live like me. I loved your father so much. I probably should have left him long ago, but I couldn't let him go.", she says, and this conversation is getting derailed... "If if and buts were candy and nuts, right? We can't change the past, but I can change my future. My kids deserve to know what a happy mother looks like. Please don't say anything to anyone about this either. I have to carefully plan this if I do not want full-blown crazy on my hands." "I won't tell anyone.", she vows. We exchange I love yous and end the call.

A little while later, I decide to call Jake, "Hi there, Happy Birthday, handsome!" "Thank you and hi there yourself, beautiful.", he responds. I can feel my cheeks heat up at his compliment. I am not used to this. In 10 years together, I can honestly not remember a time that Clyde even said he thinks I'm pretty. "How is your day going, birthday boy? Are we still on for dinner?", I ask. "Well, my day has been pretty good so far. My sister brought me lunch from my favorite Chinese restaurant and I have a date tonight with a beautiful woman. I'd have to say it's pretty high on my list of great birthdays.", he says, flattering me. "Wow, that must be some awesome Chinese food. That's a hefty endorsement.", I say jokingly. "I'm excited to see you.", I admit. "I'm pretty excited to see you too. Almost painfully..." "Oh, is that right? I would hate for you to be in pain. What time should we meet tonight? I'll bring some aspirin for your... ache.", I say in a sultry voice. "Woman, you will be the death of me. Something tells me we're in for a wild ride.", he responds. "I don't know what you mean, sir.", trying to sound innocent. "You never answered my question, so here is my executive decision, meet me at the church at 7:00." That sounds so weird. Meet me in the church parking lot for adultery. I'm going straight to hell... Okay... It's not like we are going to get it on in the parking lot! "7:00 sounds perfect. I'll see you then.", he says. "Bye, Jake."

We pull into the parking lot within seconds of one another and I wave for him to hop in my truck. "You're driving and you're paying? This is uncharted territory for me.", he chuckles. "I get it, you said you were the provider in your previous relationships. I have earned my own way pretty much my entire life. I have younger siblings that I helped to raise. I was the only one of the five of us that had regular chores. As soon as my parents allowed me to, I got a job. When I got a job, my dad started charging me rent. I was still in high school, by the way. Then I got married and I already told you his motto, "If I gotta work, then so do you", which is completely fine. I am building a nice little career for myself.", I say with pride. "You okay with wings?", I ask, as I pull into the shopping plaza. "Wings would be alright, I'm surprised you would go with something so messy.", he says with a raised eyebrow. "Oh, no I don't eat chicken wings. All the gross veins and stuff... It's just too much fight for so little meat and I feel the same way about ribs.", I say, as I open my door.

We followed the hostess to a booth and as I slid in, Jake slid in beside me. This was a little different and Jake must have noticed something in my expression. "Is this okay, would you like me to move to the other side of the booth?", he asked. "No, not at all. Just caught me by surprise, I guess. It's not a bad thing, trust me." He told me that he thought we would be able to hear each other better on the same side of the booth. I was not arguing. Having him close to me was soothing in a way. I could feel his warmth rolling over onto me. We talked more about how we grew up and how different everything is for our kids now. We talked a little more about our pasts. We finished our meals and left the restaurant. When we got back to his car, he leaned over and soft goodnight kiss. "Come home with me?", he pleads. "I can't come home with you. I stayed out all night on Sunday. I have to get back home.", I say. Jake reluctantly opens the passenger side door and steps out. I was preparing to back out when Jake ran around to my door pointing for me to put the window down. When the window is no longer between us, he leans and gives me a not-so gentle kiss this time and we pull away panting. "You sure you can't come home with me?" "As tempting as that sounds, I honestly can't and you're making this harder for both of us.", I whine. He kisses me again, "You can't blame a guy for trying." No, sure can't. But if he doesn't get in his car, I may give in. "Goodnight Jake, I'll call you tomorrow."